Furlough Fashion | The Furlough Fashion Archive

Furlough Fashion #699c-14 Feb 2024

Furlough Fashion #699c. With #FF700 still under construction there is still time to sneak a special Valentine’s Day post in as I have been working on my one-person show on love ‘I Heart In Your General Direction’ performing under the pseudonym Val N. Times. I discuss the many facets of love which are laid out most puzzlingly through the medium of music where it can be the sweetest thing or many splendored, a battlefield (see Pat Benatar), a crazy little thing, or something you might as well face

Furlough Fashion #699 – Oh No T’aint - 07 December 2023

Furlough Fashion #699 – Oh No T’aint. This will be the last official Furlough Fashion until the new year as I’m going into rehearsal for panto season. I am joining the Ilkley Repertory Players for their productions of ‘Whippet Out At Christmas’, about Santa going in search of his favourite dog, DEVO, at Christmas after it’s bullied by the reindeer (not Rudolph mind you as the reason he has a red nose is due to his chronic alcoholism), and the more classic ‘Dick!’ about an adult film star who tra

Furlough Fashion #698 – Space, How Low Can You Go? - 06 December 2023

Furlough Fashion #698 – Wickens Wednesday – Space, How Low Can You Go? Despite the move and the 14 acres of clothes and furniture that we needed to unpack there is one thing we would not have missed for the world, nay the whole galaxy and that is ‘Galaxicon Con’ the celebration of Canadian sci-fi series ‘Battle Cruiser Galaxicon’ which ran in the late 1970s and featured Spaff Manitoba’s father, the former 1950s matinee idol E. Jacque Manitoba, as Commander Edamame fighting the evil telepathic Ps

Furlough Fashion #697 – Master and Serpent - 05 December 2023

Furlough Fashion #697 – Master and Serpent. One of the great things about moving to a new mansion in a new area is being able to find furniture that suits the new environ. So it was that when I was trawling the internet for new items I found and bought ‘The Recline King Cobra’. It came from an online shop called ‘Only Fangs’ which has a lot of very saucy furniture indeed: plump, inviting sofas and very easy chairs (often shown from behind), tumescent chaise longues (eye watering longue), and sex

Furlough Fashion #696 – Who Gives A Flux? 04 December 2023

Furlough Fashion #696 – Who Gives A Flux? Furlough Fashion is back for a limited run before prep starts for Christmas at the new Queenswood Mansions. Yes, to paraphrase the saying “Meet the new Mansion, same as the old Mansion”. We have relocated from the rolling concrete countryside of South London to Queenswood Mansions 2.0 (hereto for known as Queenswood Mansions) in the undulating hills of the Southwest near Mer des Ongles, Wax Hole and Weston Superman.

There will be plenty of time to give

Furlough Fashion #695a–Wickens Wed–Scrump UP The Volume-8 Nov 2023

Furlough Fashion #695 – Wickens Wednesday – Scrump Up The Volume. It’s official, Queenswood Mansions is on the move! My apologies for the lack of posts recently but we have been packing up everything from the walk-in warehouse and the ballrooms to the topiary forest, follies (architectural and rock) and Gingersound Studios. We’re moving lock-stock and two smoking barrel organs (there was a small electrical fire in the instrument warehouse) to our new home near Bristol. Thanks to a language cour

Furlough Fashion #695b–Wickens Wed–Scrump UP The Volume-8 Nov 2023

#694-Wickens Wednesday – I Can’t Believe It's Not Gutter -25 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #694 - Wickens Wednesday – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Gutter. I gather saying “Winter is coming” has been somewhat ruined by the boob-centric series Game of Thrones, but it doesn’t change the fact that winter is indeed coming. Like Kate and I, you will also be preparing your own mansions for the possibility of rain, ice, freezing conditions, or hordes of white walkers attacking from the north. There are roof repairs on the walk-in warehouse, putting coats, hats and scarves on the

Furlough Fashion #693 – The Pawn Identity - 24 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #693 – The Pawn Identity. I like big things; enormous, gigantic, elephantine, Brobdingnagian objects. Travel-size might work for shampoo or toothpaste when you’re off on your holidays, but seeing something like Jeff Koons Ballon Dog or the work of artist Robert Therrien who makes jumbo versions of everyday objects gives me a tingle. I have also been learning chess recently, so after seeing an eye-watering picture of Claes Oldenburg’s large quivering shuttlecock I decided I would

Furlough Fashion #692 – Purple Arraignment - 23 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #692 – Purple Arraignment. What an exciting weekend that was. A new DVD boxset arrived featuring all 23 seasons of 1990’s Canadian legal series ‘Sally’s Briefs’ about Sally McSteel, an American lawyer with moxy who moves to Montreal and starts working for the quirky legal firm of Hugh, Pugh, Burnley, McGrew, Cuthbertson, Nibble & Grudd*. Sally is modern and independent, calling herself ‘The Sassy Lassie from Tallahassee’. The law firm has larger-than-life characters like her hun

Furlough Fashion #691 – This Sporting Strife - 20 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #691 – This Sporting Strife. I’ve never really understood sport. When I was a child – back in the days when women weren’t allowed to like it - my dad lived for football and desperately tried to get me interested. Sadly, for him, I was a fey child who loved nothing more than to twirl and twirl, singing into hairbrush while playing a tennis racket guitar and trying to emulate the fashion of my idols: Bolan’s dungarees, Bowie’s lightning bolt, Alvin Stardust’s glove and ring, or a

Furlough Fashion #690 – Circuit Bored - 19 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #690 – Circuit Bored. It takes a lot of computing power to keep Queenswood Mansions running and after a recent issue with our ancient PHAL-U5 Indifference Engine where it wouldn’t open the walk-in warehouse doors and kept playing and bleep-bloop version of ‘Don't Dilly Dally on the Way’ we have had to retire it and install something more up to date. We settled on the VJJ-M015T, which can compute a septillion nanotrites of tiktonik data using the kinds of FLOPS & MIPS used in flo

Furlough Fashion #689 –Wickens Wed–Shiny Slappy People - 18 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #689 – Wickens Wednesday – Shiny Slappy People. Kate’s birthday week rolls on like a fun juggernaut. Breakfast in a different bed in Queenswood Mansions every morning, followed by 1 hour of extreme kitten-video watching, then 2 hours of ‘Princess Time’ where she twirls and twirls and sings songs. I must keep her fully entertained and follow every request with a curt bow and “Whatever my Princess wants” before I withdraw. She is giddy with tea drinking; English breakfast, eleven

Furlough Fashion #688 – Fad To The Bone - 17 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #688 – Fad To The Bone. There’s been a real fad for fads in the last few years, mainly due to social media pouring petrol on the fire of these crazes. There was ‘Planking’ which I was good at as I have no problem staying rigid for hours on end, the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ where celebrities have ice dumped on them instead of in their bouji Hollywood martinis, the ‘Nice Bucket Challenge’ where people judged how nice your bucket was, the dance crazes of ‘Flossing’ and ‘Bob Flossing’

Furlough Fashion #687–Wickens Mon-A Card Rain’s Gonnna Fall 16Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #687 – Wickens Monday - A Card Rain’s Gonna Fall. And so, it begins. Our Postman, Patrick (for God’s sake don’t shorten his name unless you want a Postman slap) drove his 18-wheeler articulated delivery lorry up the gravel drive at Queenswood Mansions as he does every year on this day. He parped his massive horn to signal to me that I must bring the forklift round so I could start removing the many sacks of Birthday cards for Kate on her 21st 21st birthday which heralds the star

Furlough Fashion #686 – You’re Knickered - 13 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #686 – You’re Knickered. If it’s one thing the English excel at it’s sauciness. Seaside postcards, drag, double meanings and dirty limericks, both slapstick and slap and tickle. These come together in the pantomime, that seasonal opportunity to dial up the sauciness to 11. Here at Queenswood Mansions we’re workshopping ideas for this year’s Christmas ‘puntomime’. There are a number of ideas on the table including ‘Jack & The Has-Been Stalk’ in which faded celebrities and C-List

Furlough Fashion #685 – Sniff Competition - 12 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #685 – Sniff Competition. They say the road to smell is paved with good intentions and this is no more evident in a new drama I’m working on set in 19th century Londinium called ‘A Picture of Durian Gray’, about the eponymous perfumier who gets Alistair Crowley’s favourite painter Reginald B. Elzebub to create a cursed portrait of him using an unctuous potion he got from Lorna Doom, a McWitch in the deepest highlands of Scotland. The painting of Gray stays fragrant and fresh whi

Furlough Fashion #684 – Wickens Wednesday – Clock Succour -11 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #684 – Wickens Wednesday – Clock Succour. The recent earthly departure of Illya Ducky Steel reminded me of a series that Kate and I loved in the early days of our relationship: the Canadian sci-fi show ‘Sodium & Sulphur’ which was a rip off, sorry non-copyright infringing homage, to ‘Saphire & Steel’. It started with a slow motion shot of a clock exploding then coming back together with a pompous voice over saying “Time is like running water. It can flow clockwise or anti-clockw

Furlough Fashion #683 – Blow Me - 10 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #683 – Blow Me. We all know the expression ‘blew my mind’, well those clever people at JM Hell have come up with a new device that they claim helps keep the brain in tip top condition by enclosing the head in a thin lead cap which is connected to a state-of-the-art violet ray and magnetic pulse generator. During the treatment the rays and pulses are fired at the head and induce a calming effect as it gets the beta, alpha, theta, gamma and delta ducks into electromagnetic order.

Furlough Fashion #682 – Flame & Fortune - 09 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #682 – All Ginge, No Whinge. When I was a young boy I was regularly accosted by pensioners as they seemed drawn to ginger hair like a wasp to a picnic. First comes the cooing voice - “ooh, what luvley hair” – and before I knew it, one nubbly fingered hand would begin violently ruffling my wavy locks while the other would start tweaking my cheek – “oooh, look at his luvely freckles”. At school I was called every name you can imagine, Ralph Malph, Belisha Beacon, Duracell, Rusty,

Furlough Fashion #681 – Flame & Fortune - 06 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #681 – Flame & Fortune. My time as a cruise ship dancer was short-lived. I got recommended for the cruise by a friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend while I was in at Kumquat Dance Studios doing my leg-warmer thesis on the work of Fosse and Basil being in thrall to both ‘Mickey’ and ‘Sweet Charity’. I met with cruise ship choreographer extraordinaire Cissy St. Dubois who was working on her biggest oceanic extravaganza yet: ‘Ready-Claim-Fire’. The story is as follows but I s

Furlough Fashion #680 – X-Tractor - 05 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #680 – X-Tractor. What is it about a tractor? We can see hundreds of million-dollar supercars, the chrome stylings of a classic or phwoar-factor of a muscle car, but if we pass a massive tractor on the road, or see one chuntering along in a field, some excited child in us claps their hands with glee and happy-screams “TRACTOR!”. Lamborghini started out making tractors before turning to V8 door wedges and in fact, many top marques began in different fields: Porche started out as

Furlough Fashion #679 – Wickens Wednesday – Tossed Off - 04 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #679 – Wickens Wednesday – Tossed Off. Kate loves a salad and will happily plunder the allotment for kilos of leafy greens to smother in an array of toppings and dressings. She will happily sit in front of the TV clutching a couple of big bowls and munch away. We watch a lot of cookery shows such as ‘Big Choppers’, ‘For Those About to Wok, We Salute You’, the religious ‘Pastor Chef’, and Hawaiian cops in ‘Cook ‘Em Danno’. However, we noticed that salads only go from A to Y, no Z

Furlough Fashion #678 – Boiler Toiler - 03 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #678 – Boiler Toiler. I used to do a lot of coke! I know that’s shocked you and you may have accidentally snorted cornflakes out of your nose or spilled Horlicks down your new pyjamas (depending on when you read FF) and for this I apologise, but it’s not what you think. In the early days of Queenswood Mansions heating such a large complex of buildings, warehouses and dwellings was tricky and relied on coal furnaces for the heating. Nowadays we have the wind farm in the northeast

Furlough Fashion #677 – Buff Cookie - 02 Oct 2023

Furlough Fashion #677 – Buff Cookie. I spent Saturday at GODIVACON’23 in Coventry. This is a weekend event which celebrates all things naked and, thankfully, was held in a well heated ‘exhibitionist centre’. It’s named for Lady Godiva who I don’t need to tell you was a late Anglo-Saxon noblewoman, wife of Leofric, Earl of Mercia, who rode naked through the streets of Coventry* to protest her husband’s high taxes. As a brand ambassador for ‘Wig Brother’ I was asked to ride through the hall as Lad

Furlough Fashion #676 – Making a Stir - 29 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #676 – Making a Stir. Whilst smashing my avocados roughly with a fork this morning I looked around at all the gadgets we have in the modern kitchen: egg mandolins, sous vide baths, epicurean vegetable cubers, de glace pipettes, spumative frothers, winkle tongs and more. Recently we watched the detective series ‘Tales From The Zoo Morgue’ where there are Midsummer-levels of murder in a Canadian zoo and it occurred to me that there wasn’t much in the way of crime solving in the fo

Furlough Fashion #675 – What A Swell Guy - 28 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #675 – What A Swell Guy. All those birthday messages. All that love in such a concentrated form. It can be intoxicating, like a robust Malbec or a vintage port matched with some unguent Queso De Valdeón blue cheese. I drank it all in like Sally Field at the 1985 Oscars and became giddy with my own self-importance. I’m ashamed to admit that by the end of yesterday my haughty bumptiousness led me to a serious case of swaggering pomposity coupled with egotistical superciliousness.

Furlough Fashion #674 – And Sew Say All of Us - 27 September 2023

Furlough Fashion #674 – And Sew Say All of Us. Every year all the big fashion brands get in touch to wish me a happy birthday; telegrams from the Houses of Primark and Peacock, Terrence and Kevin Maxx always send a random selection of gifts, and lovely George (pronounced shoooorszch) Assadassa from ASDA gives me a selection of their back-to-school range. I mustn’t forget the kind words from the Japanese companies who think that English words sounds cool, such as Artichoke Sandwich Obfuscating S

Furlough Fashion #673 – Wickens Tiki Tuesday - 26 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #673 – Wickens Tiki Tuesday. You don’t need to check your diary, it’s not Wednesday but on the eve of my birthday Kate has decided to throw me a Tiki party and woke me up early to get lei’d. It was lovely to breathe in the smell of Kate’s pikake, grab a couple of her coconuts and breakfast on her star fruit. It’s been just over a year since our last Tiki Tuesday (FF#498) and our Tiki Lodge has expanded considerably since then, now boasting two full size Easter Island Heads eithe

Furlough Fashion #672 – Big MacGuffin - 25 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #672 – Big MacGuffin. This may be hard to believe but there was a time when I was a heavier set gentleman, not the type of person who inspires words like svelte, lithe, gamine, or devastatingly photographic. About 20 years ago I lived between two near pie shops, ‘Pie Me A River’ and ‘Another One Bites the Crust’. I couldn’t resist their steak and kidney, chicken tikka or ham hock pies and just piled on the pounds. However, as luck would have it my pie-packed figure meant my agen

Furlough Fashion #671 – Flush, Ah-ha! 22 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #671 – Flush, Ah-ha! One of the businesses for the modern age is the bulk buying of toilet roll. It’s not just the hotels that want to order enough rolls to build a squishy Great Wall of China, domestic customers also want to buy large amounts to get discount and mitigate against the easily led who panic buy whenever the red tops whip them up into an angry lather. Given the high number of toilets and bathrooms in Queenswood Mansions we have tried a variety of suppliers including

Furlough Fashion #670 – Modelling Time - 21 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #670 – Modelling Time. People love a time travel story and they usually fit into certain categories: romantic – the hero goes back in time and falls in love with their own great grandmother so it turns out they are actually their own great grandfather, comedy – the time traveller is a loveable fish out of water who takes modern ideas like fire and sarcasm back to the Court of King Arthur, horror – where someone is stuck in a time-loop-a-da-loop and have to keep murdering themsel

Furlough Fashion # 669–Vendor Is The Night-Wickens Wed - 20 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion # 669 – Vendor Is The Night - Wickens Wednesday. I recently found this picture of Kate and I on holiday in the city of Stüppen, located in the vowelless former eastern bloc country Kryzkystycz. It was one of those places where tanks had rolled down the boulevards before the fall of communism, Generals had fled with stolen fortunes, statues had been toppled, and once grand buildings were now faded in the wake of conflict. The country had been formerly known as Shtanyvogne, Nosras

Furlough Fashion #668 – Ham 69 - 19 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #668 – Ham 69. Those old enough to remember CB Radio may have been perplexed by truckers on the highways of America talking about rubber ducks, bears, Smokey, and pregnant roller skates whilst asking people to “come back with their ears on” and saying “negatory” and “10-4 good buddy”. But away from the highways there was dedicated group of people whose equipment was a little more sophisticated, who could reach far further afield: the Ham Radio brigade. I’m sure I don’t have to t

Furlough Fashion #667 – Drum Chum - 18 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #667 – Drum Chum. Whether they are bashing on their bongos, clapping their castanets together or paradiddling the hell out of their tom toms, drummers/percussionists are the beating heart of music. They are purveyors of a pounding and can thwack, tickle, and brush the kit from a single-stroke to a huge splash and their firm grip keeps music from wandering off the beat like a shopping trolley with a wonky wheel. Some are known by one name: Ginger, Cozy, Ringo, Animal, and others

Furlough Fashion #666 – Ready Prayer One - 15 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #666 – Ready Prayer One. I have been dreading today’s Furlough Fashion as we are at number 666, the cursed number, the one seared into Damien’s head, the number for Fire, Police, Ambulance if you’re standing on your head in a phone box. As we all know it’s a triangular number, the sum of the first thirty-six natural numbers, as well as being 13% of timesing 13x13, 13 times. I’m not normally given to superstition (although I do believe in Stevie Wonder) but at 5am today I broke a

Furlough Fashion #665 – Right Sneer, Right Now - 14 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #665 – Right Sneer, Right Now. You will remember at the start of August I alerted you to the first International Sneer Day, a lush litany of lip-curlingly lapidatious labiomancy. Well, while I was out that snarling my way around town I was approached by a model scout who said my scowling was perfect for a new publication called MEH! It’s going to be a magazine for people are ‘not bovver’d’ by day-to-day life; readers who prefer ennui to getting involved and inertia to activity.

Furlough Fashion #664 – Wickens Wednesday–Swede Dreams - 13 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #664 – Wickens Wednesday – Swede Dreams. Kate and I have just come back from a lovely trip to Stockholm. We enjoyed many boat rides around the Archie Pelagos, named for King Archie XIV who charted them, and Pelago which is the ancient Norse word for islet. It turns out we were there during Septemberdårar where Swedes look for English tourists to join in the celebrations. We got talking to some locals in a bar on Södermalm about ‘Röda Byxans Dag’ who asked us to take part. As th

Furlough Fashion #663 – Anne Cillary - 07 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #663 – Anne Cillary. Star Trek was ahead of its time in many ways but the women in the original series, Uhuru notwithstanding, didn’t have much to do other than snog kirk or like today’s FF, Yeoman Janice Rand, who mainly handed things to Kirk, usually space clipboards that required him to sign something with a space pen. There are at least 25 actors who returned in multiple roles (such as Diana Muldaur who played Dr. Pulaski in TNG and two different characters in the original s

Furlough Fashion #662 – Wickens Wed – Taking a Slash - 06 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #662 – Wickens Wednesday – Taking a Slash. Slash fiction puts fictional characters into romantic or sexual scenarios and FF today is my volcanic vignette between Kirk and Spock.

Spock has been called to the bridge by Kirk, but as the doors ‘pissht’ open he realises Kirk is alone in his Captain’s chair wearing nothing but Tribble-skin undies.

“Captain where are Sulu, Uhuru, and Chekov?” asks Spock.

Kirk’s response is sotto voce, “The whole ship is on shore leave Spock. I wan

FF SR 661 05 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #661 – Forehead Boy. When screenwriter Gene L. Coon first coined the name Klingon he had no idea that this would be the source of many schoolyard sniggers about Klingons from Uranus but, a fun fact, they were named after Lt. Wilbur Clingan, who served with Trek creator Gene Roddenberry in the Los Angeles Police Department. However, today’s real lies about this warrior race are as follows:

• The rippled head design for the Next Generation Klingons came about when make-up artist

Furlough Fashion #660 – I Shatnered Myself - 04 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #660 – I Shatnered Myself. Star Trek was first broadcast 57 years ago on September 6th, 1966, bankrolled, by Lucille Ball who ran Desilu Studios where it was shot. This week is Trek Week and I’m going to dress up as some of my favourite characters. Today it’s Captain James T. Kirk.

Trek is so well known I have decided to do something a little different and give you some real lies about Kirk.

• The initial ‘T’ stands for Tassimo which inspired the name of the coffee machines.

Furlough Fashion #659 – The Pits - 01 Sept 2023

Furlough Fashion #659 – The Pits. Back in the late 1980s one of the many modelling jobs I got was as a cover model for book jackets. If you trawl through vintage booksellers then you might see me on the cover of titles like ‘Deadlier Than the Mailman’, ‘Blood On The Fax’, ‘Death Came the Day After Yesterday’s Tomorrow’, ‘Pinch, Punch, First Death of the Month’ and ‘One In The Chamber’. These were odd jobs until I became the muse for former gangster Harry Moody, writing under the pseudonym Glanvi

Furlough Fashion #658 - Beating Off Hamilton -31 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #658 - Beating Off Hamilton. Back in 2021 (FF#175) I talked about my own melodrama called 'Sir Charles of Bastardford Manor' where the unpleasant Sir Charles Bastard aims to marry Katherynelina Wickensian, Lord Percy Sax O'Gold, Duke of Fecundity’s daughter for her massive endowment but is thwarted when space monkeys attack. Preview audiences loved the juxtaposition between Jane Austin and laser-wielding monkeys from Cacachuck 7, but the backers pulled out as advance sales were

Furlough Fashion #657–Wickens Wed – Bewitch Is Back - 30 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #657 – Wickens Wednesday – Bewitch Is Back. I’m sure most of you will have read about the New Vaudeville scene that’s becoming popular now. It’s a reaction to the glut of observational comedians on the circuit and a desire to hark back to the days of the music hall. There are a new crop of performers on the scene such as ventriloquimist Frank & His Talking Plank, the Macrobats - who perform acrobatics feats but really close to you, Kenny Kindling - the Human Torch, Pam Biguous,

Furlough Fashion #656 – It All Adds Up - 29 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #656 – It All Adds Up. Today Furlough Fashion has a bad back, so Furlough Fashion doesn’t have much time to write about Furlough Fashion. Furlough Fashion is also aware that Furlough Fashion talking in the third person is quite annoying, so Furlough Fashion is going to stop that now. It’s a sad truth that all those years of cat walks, dog shows, and photographic modelling in awkward positions in awkward places has weakened my back. It’s hard to pull off a broken doll pose or a c

Furlough Fashion #655 – Casual Sax - 25 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #655 – Casual Sax. Whether you are winding your way down to Baker Street while enjoying street life, you may have dropped your Wispa – which is careless – or be suffering from deacon blues because you can’t afford to go to Rio to find some modern love. You may be born to run or one step beyond the money as a smooth operator (and I can go for that you maneater) but whatever your circumstance there’s nothing like a good blow on a sax to clear the cobwebs. It’s a tricky instrument

Furlough Fashion #654 – Prattle Royale - 24 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #654 – Prattle Royale. With the recent sad death of Michael Parkinson, I was reminded of a part of my past. Back in the 2000s when cable TV was in its early days, I was working as a runner for a company owned by American media entrepreneur Dick Mangold. ‘DIX-PIX’ was one of the first groups to set up cable channels in the UK eventually owning ‘DIX ONE’, ‘DIX SPORT’, ‘DIX 24/7’, music network ‘DIX ROCK’ and the raunchier late night ‘DIX-After Dark’. They wanted a host for a late

Furlough Fashion #653 – Wickens Wed–Throw Back Up Wed - 23 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #653 – Wickens Wednesday – Throw Back Up Wednesday. Every now and again it’s good to throw something up from the past and today I have this great picture from back when Queenswood Mansions was being built. We had had it designed by the architects Ivanna Roger, Roger Rogers (Richard’s brother) Boussole Ouveur and Katya Owt who had the firm Roger Rogers Ouveur & Owt. This was still in the planning stages of the walk-in warehouse, Coral Room, the pub in the East Wing, Pyramid Folly

Furlough Fashion #652 – The Name of the Game - 22 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #652 – The Name of the Game. As I was in the Queenswood Mansions workshop teasing out a drip groove and band sawing my balsa I remembered Edward Wood. Not the actor/Equaliser you understand, but a local carpentry firm and my mind turned to nominative determinism whereby your name is related to your profession. I wondered: would Edward Woodwood Woodworkers work on wood if their name wasn’t Woodwood? It’s fascinating as sometimes it’s spot on and sometimes it’s way off the mark. F

Furlough Fashion #651 – List plucking - 21 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #651 – List plucking. Here at the Furlough Fashion Institute of Wistful Studies we are keen to promote learnful musings, self-educationalisation and digestible ponderous emanations to keep the grey cells working to increase the demystifyability of life’s mental Gordian knots. Think of us a mind-condom protecting you against Perplexually Transmitted Ignorance. We have been working on British Incremental List Gathering Expansion where complex ideas are sublimated into a set of key

Furlough Fashion #650 – Slogan’s Zeroes - 18 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #650 – Slogan’s Zeroes. We may all remember the classic advertising slogans like ‘Just Do It’, ‘His Master’s Voice’, and ‘Naughty But Nice’ but there are plenty of brands who ran campaigns that couldn’t hit the side of a barn at 10 paces. I was involved in one where I was employed to style and model for JAX beer. They had a team of people working on ideas and decided that their new, improved flavour was not only ‘Off da hook’ but would fly ‘Off da shelves’. They sublimated this

Furlough Fashion #649 – Imagine Nation - 17 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #649 – Imagine Nation. I have recently joined a club called the Perspicacious Rascals of Imaginationisation and Creative Kinship (a very proud name, you must agree) who combine my passions for dressing up and weaving words together words in a rich tapestry of lexicographical lionisation. This exclusive gang meet once a month on Zoom and everyone must write a short story, delivered as a monologue, whilst dressed as one of the characters. I wanted to impress, so had penned a tale

Furlough Fashion #648 - Wickens Wed–Leather Forecast- 16 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #648 - Wickens Wednesday – Leather Forecast. Since as far back as the day before time immemorial humans have made music, and a lot of this music is rock. Some historians believe it is called rock as it dates back to cave man days when battering your boulder was the earliest form of music while other historians don’t really care. But what we do know if that as soon as films stopped being silent then films about music started being made. From The Jazz Singer, The Glenn Miller Stor

Furlough Fashion #646 – Changing Grooms - 14 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #646 – Changing Grooms. In 2021 I went through a phase of loving Americana, from the music of Gillian Welch, Lambchop, The Flying Burrito Bros, Crosby Still Nash Young Bartle Bogle Hegarty and Father Elton John Misty as well as films Badlands, The Last Picture Show, Badlands, and The Big Lebowski, where I was particularly taken with Sam Elliott. He was cool, rugged, and non-conformist and I was so taken with his look I grew my hair and moustache to look like him. I would say ‘ma

Furlough Fashion #645 – Prog Day Afternoon - 11 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #645 – Prog Day Afternoon. If you were staring through the mists of yore, back in time in the future past when the Elven people didst roam through the lush plains of Quoz to the lost mountains of Zeppole and beyond the edge of the Nether Rim, the soundtrack to this would be progressive (AKA prog) music. This weekend I will be attending ProgCon 2023, a festival of all things prog whilst wearing my Rick Wakeman inspired outfit commissioned from ‘Planet of the Capes’. On Saturday a

Furlough Fashion #644 – If You’re Looking For Stubble - 10 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #644 – If You’re Looking For Stubble. I’m sure that through the medium of Furlough Fashion you are constantly discovering things about me you didn’t know (sometimes these things feel new to me too) but that’s part of life’s rich tapestry. I have been studying partial arts for many years now, not martial arts, you must understand. Partial arts are where you learn a little bit from the various disciplines such as kung-fu, karate, judo, Luta Livre, Krabi–krabong, Shin-kicking, Catf

Furlough Fashion #643-Wickens Wed–Blood On The Slacks - 09 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #643 - Wickens Wednesday – Blood On The Slacks. We love a crime drama in the UK. Although we import a lot of shows from the US we are pretty good at generating home grown series like death amongst marine vessel movers in ‘Tugged Off’ and Detective Sid Morris solving crime amongst the folk players community in ‘Sid Mummer Murders’. I saw a documentary on the Women’s Institute called ‘Wham Bam, Thank You Jam” which said there are over 200,000 members of Women's Institutes in Engla

Furlough Fashion #642 – Ex Terminator - 08 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #642 – Ex Terminator. I had a great day at the Build-A-Dalek shop in Dartford yesterday. It’s similar to the idea of going home with a fluffy bear friend (which I’ve heard some of my male friends talk about) but this is for Doctor Who fans who want a more bespoke xenophobic mutant companion who wants to rule the galaxy. I fairly jumped into my hot-off-the-press, new companion Ruby Sunday dungarees, now on sale via high street chain ‘Who Look’ and headed down to build my own Wels

Furlough Fashion #641 – Beige of Consent - 07 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #641 – Beige of Consent. Another weekend, another clear out and this time I uncovered a real rarity from my days modelling for the MMC record label at the tale end of the 1980s. Vinyl was still king and MMC produced library music which ‘borrowed’ from popular tunes of the day but could be used in films, TV and corporate training videos. If you’ve ever seen cop shows like ‘Bastard Squad’, ‘The Swiney’, or ‘Chopper Coppers’, sitcoms such as ‘One Up The Neighbours’, café comedy ‘Br

Furlough Fashion #640 – Curl Harbour - 04 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #640 – Curl Harbour. Good news everybody, it’s the first International Sneer Day (ISD) today a chance to unpack all those boxes of bitterness, donate all your bad blood to a worthy cause, animate all of that passive aggressivity, and vent like the mother-chucking water providers dumping sewage into our rivers. If you’re a shop worker who has had one too many stupid questions or a surfeit of patronising customers, if you’re boss is asking you to work late when it’s already beer o

Furlough Fashion #639 – Wish You Were Sphere - 03 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #639 – Wish You Were Sphere. I don’t have to tell you that a sphere is a solid geometric figure whose surface is at all points equidistant from the centre - put it simply x2 + y2 + z2 = r2. You’re probably wondering why I haven’t referred to the sphere’s eleven properties as discussed by David Hilbert and Stephan Cohn-Vossen in ‘Geometry and the Imagination’ but I don’t want to dumb down this post; I want to live in the sphere and now. In their podcast, ‘Talking Sheds’, Prof. Pa

Furlough Fashion #638-Wickens Wednesday–Bellow Dolly - 02 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #638 - Wickens Wednesday – Bellow Dolly. Rummaging through Kate’s memory box I found she had kept a promotional shot from our time on the cabaret circuit as Willy and Wanda with our show ‘I Like a Firm Hand On My Squeezebox’. I was accordion player Willy, billed as ‘the man with the flying fingers’, ‘he likes to squeeze, he likes to please’ with his trusty antique Spremiagrumi piano accordion always strapped on ready to push and pull. Kate was Wanda the ‘wild warbler of Wandswor

Furlough Fashion #637 – To Dull and Back - 01 August 2023

Furlough Fashion #637 – To Dull and Back. People love a craze; you could even say they were crazy about crazes, we’re f-f-f-f-f-f-fad to the bone. Whether it’s Deely-Boppers, legwarmers, roller disco, wassup, jazzercise, boxercise, exercisercise, Zumba, Sea Monkeys, planking, Furbies, Rubik’s Cubes, Ice Bucket challenges or twerking we just can’t help ourselves. Remember, back in the 90s Mad Donna brought Vogueing to our attention and you couldn’t move on the dancefloor for people not moving. We

Furlough Fashion #636 – First Class Lounger - 31 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #636 – First Class Lounger. The fashion audit was finished in record time this year so we paid the migrant workers for the full week and Kate and I decided we would we use the opportunity to go on a holiday. I was owed a favour from a new mid-priced low-cost budget carrier AirToday GT who recently introduced a new Budget-First Class-Economy service for people who don’t have enough money but want to spend more. AirToday want to be transparently opaque in their pricing and treat p

Furlough Fashion #635 - What’s In The Box? - 20 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #635 - What’s In The Box? It’s time for the annual fashion audit and deep clean, where Furlough Fashion shuts down for a week so that everything from the walk-in warehouse, footwear wings, and accessory annexes at Queenswood Mansions can be catalogued, filed, stamped, indexed, and numbered. We will spend a week turning our efforts from the outward promotion of sartorial elegance to the inward sorting of our vast fashion collection.

To undertake the task, I will slap on my fines

Furlough Fashion #634 – Wickens Wednesday–Bespoke Folk - 19 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #634 – Wickens Wednesday – Bespoke Folk. Sometimes, when Kate can hear me twanging away in a room she will come and join in. Such it was last night when I was in the cork-lined songwriting room where I keep a sofa that used to belong to singer Roaming Roy Tampion, a man who once served a port and lemon to Norma Waterson in the Upton Snodsbury Club for Old Folkers. Roy was a master at alternative tunings and would play songs in Drop D, FAGCEC, DADGAD, and DADBOD. The trouble was

Furlough Fashion #633 – Lip Disservice - 18 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #633 – Lip Disservice. I have noticed a worrying trend amongst young people: the return of the cruel moustache and the mullet. I know that things are cyclical and every decade or so some fashion no-no tries to exhume itself from the crypt such as rah-rah skirts, the man-bun, legwarmers, flares, frosted tips, mega-flares, shoulder pads you could launch a drone from, ‘The Rachel’, safari suits, Croydon-facelift, or tie-dye. You can understand why sports stars will have a mullet be

Furlough Fashion #632 – What’s Mine is Chores - 17 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #632 – What’s Mine is Chores. Having just seen the new Mission: Impossible film I was reminded of something that Kate often does to get me to do things around the house (no, I know what you’re thinking but you should wash your minds out with carbolic). While Ethan Rhyming-Slang is running around the world clinging on to the outside of aeroplanes, riding his bike fast in London, dodging exploding fish tanks, riding his bike fast in Paris, fighting on top of trains, riding his bik

Furlough Fashion # 631 –Bard As Nails - 14 July 2023

Furlough Fashion # 631 –Bard As Nails. Back in the 1990s I spent a year at Ray Winston’s ‘University School Learning Actors Good’, or USLAG as we all called it. There, I was like a butterfly broken on the wheel of hard knocks and had to toughen up my normally fey and soft-handed-self in order to play roles like sensitive, but tough, Ruck Hodson in ‘Bastard Town’, tough but misunderstood ex-para, Sgt. Vince Beowulf in ‘Salute of Death’ or Reggie Cobra in the ‘Peckham Ninja’ series. Much as I enjo

Furlough Fashion #630 – Pump Up the Front Room - 13 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #630 – Pump Up the Front Room. When you’re a mover and shaker in the world of fashion your opinion counts for something and it’s not uncommon for companies to approach you for endorsement or to try out new products. One such company is ‘Inflata-Balls’ who have been making all kinds of spherical objects for years such as beach balls, foot-balls, and zorbs. They want to branch out into a more diverse range of items including furniture including the ‘Sofair’ and its matching ‘Ch’ai

Furlough Fashion #629 – Wickens Wednesday – Copy That - 12 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #629 – Wickens Wednesday – Copy That. As an erstwhile musician there’s not much money in making your own music but there is medium-sized money in playing covers. There are so many bands the world over who trade on the successes of other musicians, such as The Cheatles (AKA the Fab Forgery), Pink Fraud, Phoney M, Sham-Sham 69, and The Faux Fighters. Another trend gaining popularity is the mash-up tribute act where you get two music stars for the price of one. Current practitioner

Furlough Fashion #628 - The Vest is History - 11 July 2023 Double

Furlough Fashion #628 - The Vest is History. Going through boxes as part of de-cluttering can either be dull, dull, dull or a dopamine time machine. On the dull side I cannot fathom how we accumulate plugs like a doomsday prepper believing a post-apocalyptic world needs a choice of voltages, amperage and connectors like coaxial, 4-pin, right-angle DC, type-C, mini-USB or mini-DIN and SCSI. There are always plastic covers orphaned from their devices, random buttons, keys of all kinds from long-go

Furlough Fashion #627 – Great Bails of Fire - 10 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #627 – Great Bails of Fire. If I think of it - ponder as hard as I can, chew the mental cud, cogitate, contemplate or ruminate, could I call myself a cricket fan? The answer is no, not really. Truth be told I am ambivalent about most sports like footballing, rugball, running, jumping and throwing things, and tennis. I thought I would like curling until someone told me it had nothing to do with hair. But I admire the effort and dedication that goes into all sporting pursuits and

Furlough Fashion #626 - The Whining - 07 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #626 - The Whining. We have a ritual when frustrations with life, the universe and everything start to build up. In the shed we have an old door with a gaping hole that I caused due to a hammer-nail-interface that went horribly wrong. After the hole ‘happened’ I stuck my face through and ranted vehemently about the breakage. This came to be known as ‘The Whining’. So, when one of us needs to let off steam out comes the door, head through the hole and rant!

Today, I am caught w

Furlough Fashion #625 – Faux Business - 06 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #625 – Faux Business. People think that the ‘mockbusters’ which exploit blockbusters by making a low budget cash-in versions such as Atlantic Rim, Jurassic Predator, and Sunday School Musical, are a modern phenomenon. However, while researching the life of songwriter/lyricist Cole Minor (FF#284, 342, 403, 551) I discovered this also happened in the theatre in the late 1800s. While Oscar Wilde was lauded for ‘The Importance of Being Earnest’ at the St. James Theatre, the pseudony

Furlough Fashion #624–Wickens Wednesday–Thrust for Li fe-05 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #624 – Wickens Wednesday – Thrust for Life. As a lover of Canadian science fiction TV series such as ‘Avo Larrikin: Moon Soldier’, ‘Wanda Lust-Space Mercenary Rebel’, and ‘Space Pants Patrol’ starring sci-fi legend Spaff Manitoba (first discussed in FF#157) it was great to find another lost Canuck classic ‘Neutron Knights–Thrust Warriors’. Only six episodes were made about Commander Crunt Starsplitter (Spaff’s Brother, Skeet Manitoba) last warrior of the Neutron Knights, who is

Furlough Fashion #623 – Planks For The Memory - 04 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #623 – Planks For The Memory. It now makes sense that I keep returning to ventriloquilisticism as my recent trips down the branches of my family tree uncovered Cecil Cook. He was a vaudevillian turn from the late 1800s who billed himself as ‘The Great Cecil, Purveyor of Virtuosic Ventrilomequesmiscism and Vaniloquence’. He would take to the stage in a carboard suit, paper shirt and tie brandishing his fast-talking timber companion ‘Viscount Wormwood the Vambrace of Victoria’. I

Furlough Fashion #622 – The Oldest Tick In The Book - 03 July 2023

Furlough Fashion #622 – The Oldest Tick In The Book. I have been looking at my family tree via the Italian owned site ‘Genealogy Lolabrigida’ and discovered that in the late 1600s I had a relation called Josiah Cockalorum-Cooke (this is back before my family pulled off the Cockalorum and removed the ‘e’ from Cooke). Accounts from parish records and newspapers such as ‘Ye Olde Londinium Chronicalanus Bibendum’ and ‘Winniberton’s Litanical Almanack of Correspondentation’ state that he was a man of

Furlough Fashion #621 – Plop Music - 30 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #621 – Plop Music. Pop-a-doodle-do and pop-of-the-morning to you pop pickers. Older members of the Furlough Fashion community may remember the Top of the Pops series of records which ran from 1969-1985, younger ones the ‘Now…That’s What I Call Music’ series from 1983 to date. Pre-streaming, these compilations were the only way to consume the hits of the day. All well and good, but what about the flops of the day, those chart-averse releases that withered on the vine? Whereas som

Furlough Fashion #620 – Snuff and Nonsense - 29 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #620 – Snuff and Nonsense. Alongside my erotic fiction I also like to dabble in some horror. My quill name is Lord Leo Doomsayer and I’ve been trying to sell my horror anthology series ‘Tomb With A View’. Today’s picture is a promotional shot of me as Doomsayer who lights his 9-inch taper at the start of every show before saying “Ask not for whom the candle flickers, it flickers for thee”. My outfit is from German occultist and naughty shop ‘Sechs-Sechs-Sechs’ who sell crisp bla

Furlough Fashion # 619–Wickens Wed–Handling Emissions - 28 June 2023

Furlough Fashion # 619 – Wickens Wednesday – Handling Emissions. Some of you with long enough memories may recall my desire to launch some ‘Furlough Passion’ titles (FF#95), a range of erotic fiction with one eye on couture. Titles in the works included set-in-the-70s ‘A Prawn For Your Cocktail’, steamy medieval love in 'Joust In Time', hot hospital action in 'Mercury Rising' and boardroom bawdiness in 'Coming to a Head'. These are still with saucy publishing house ‘Stiff Covers’, but I recently

Furlough Fashion #618 – Advice, Advice, Baby - 27 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #618 – Advice, Advice, Baby. The local folk know that on the first Tuesday of every month that is preceded by a waxing gibbous full moon when six magpies have been spotted (and saluted) on the green in front of the ‘Batsman’s Crease’ pub I run a fashion advice clinic. With the hot weather I help people choose between culottes, Capri Pants (the Mark IV Capri pants are best) or chinos. I am also asked about my stance on socks and sandals which is mildly threatening with a lot of f

Furlough Fashion #617 – Zoot 66 - 26 June 2023-Cropped

Furlough Fashion #617 – Zoot 66. This weekend I played live for the first time in a while with a fellow Furlough Fashionista and fine friend (try saying that fast after a few sherries) Danny ‘Boy’ Jones. We did a set of folk standards such as ‘I Moaned While Ahab Whaled’, ‘He Played With His Coracles On The Water’, ‘Twas Awful Ironic, She Died From the Tonic’, ‘Dick’s The Dandy of Darlington Drive’, ‘A Little Bit of Liquor Makes You Quicker Than A Vicar But Too much Booze and You Lose Your Shoes

Furlough Fashion #616 – Skate Expectations - 23 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #616 – Skate Expectations. In this current UK heatwave, I was looking for things to cool down my alabaster skin. A paddling pool full of ice cubes didn’t last very long, same with a onesie full of cold packs, and my invention of a ‘wine-cooler-helmet’ worked okay until a bottle got lodged in my ear. Then I caught a late-night documentary on ice hockey and the great players of the 1970s such as Jacques Bagarreur, ‘Toothless’ Vinnie Lysiak, Guillaume ‘The Guillotine’ LeBlanc, Lund

Furlough Fashion #615 – Aaaarts & Crafts - 22 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #615 – Aaaarts & Crafts. I love to handle a pirate head. While Kate is covered in oils and pastel I will often be down in the Queenswood Mansions crafting room with the smell of glue in my nostrils, paper strips cut and ready, and a reel of chicken wire unspooled so I can get my papier-mâché on. I did try potato-mâché, but I ended up eating more than I was creating and, for some reason, I couldn’t stop making sculptures of the Devil’s Tower in Wyoming.

I don’t want you to think

Furlough Fashion #614 – Wickens Wednesday – Comedy Sketch 21 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #614 – Wickens Wednesday – Comedy Sketch. Kate has recently followed up on her art lessons (FF#598) by watching American YouTuber Randy Brushman (who is like a more exuberant, less loungewear Tony Hart). He covers everything from landscapes, seascapes, still life, realism, neo-realism, abstract expressionism, expressionistic abstractism, cubism, trapeziumism, mom art and pop art. He also deals with all types of mediums from the simple joy of macaroni pictures through to airbrush

Furlough Fashion #613 – Dress to Compress - 20 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #613 – Dress to Compress. Even a fashionista like me must concede that there are certain stylistic choices that should remain consigned to the landfill of fashion history. Clothing combinations so heinous not even Kate Moss or David Gandy could pull them off. I recently found a picture of me from the early 1980s in Watford’s top nightclub/casino, Studio 69 (having been previously known as Caligula’s, Rapunzel’s, The Twinkle Lounge, Yo-Yo’s, and BJ’s). It’s the clothing combinati

Furlough Fashion #612 – Cravatavism - 19 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #612 – Cravatavism. I’ve been doing some research into a project called ‘Planet of the Napes’ which is looking at the various different neck coverings we have used throughout history. The ruff, bowtie, bandana, boa, dog collar (clerical and naughty), muffler, snood, scarf and more. This weekend I have been on a deep dive into the cravat (or Ascot as the Americans call it), that forerunner of the modern necktie. FF historians will note that cravats have featured in posts #223, 33

Furlough Fashion #611–Wickens Wed–Lights, Camera, Acton - 14 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #611 – Wickens Wednesday – Lights, Camera, Acton. For a brief stint in the late 1990s I ran a film studio in the west London suburb of Acton (a name derived from the Old English words āc (oak) and tūn (enclosed garden, enclosure)). When I joined, they were mainly turning out corporate training films such as ‘Punching Is Not Customer Service’, ‘No one Wants to See Your Winky’ and garden centre induction video ‘The Full Monty Don’. They needed to make money quickly or the business

Furlough Fashion #610 – Hip, Hip, V-Ray - 13 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #610 – Hip, Hip, V-Ray. Tesla, the name synonymous with electric cars, is named for Nikola Tesla the Serbian-American inventor, electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and futurist. The thing about being a futurist is that you are always disappointed. For example, yesterday I told Kate that today was the future but when I woke up it was today and it turns out that the future was actually tomorrow (I’ll believe that when I see it). Anyway, back to Tesla. He was a prolific inven

Furlough Fashion #609 – We all scream for sunscreen - 12 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #609 – We all scream for sunscreen. Being someone who has the kind of alabaster skin that is pale as marble and as reactive as chromatography paper, sunny days have me scurrying for the shade hissing like a film vampire. If fact, over the years I have grown to have sympathy with these creatures of the night. Not so much the neck sucking and bloodshot eyes but certainly hiding in rooms protected by thick drapes with blackout lining. Even high-quality photographs of the sun causes

Furlough Fashion #608 – Louche Cannon - 09 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #608 – Louche Cannon. I enjoyed yesterday’s moustache so much I decided to let it tickle its way into what I am calling Louche Friday. Back in the mists of Furlough Fashion #320 (October 2021) I talked about my fashion CV describing me as a louche canon, foot louche and fancy free and having a screw louche. Well, that hasn’t changed, as I must indulge my louche side from time to time and Fridays were made for all hell to break louche.

So, it’s on with the mustard paisley smoki

Furlough Fashion #607 – Hypotenews - 08 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #607 – Hypotenews. Leaning forward is the new sitting back. There, I’ve said it. I hope I haven’t offended anyone. Sitting back has had it its own way for too long and leaning forward is next big thing. I have conducted extensive research into the many benefits of leaning forward (or what Generation Z are calling LENFO). Here are just four great reasons why leaning forward is so popular:

The emphatic positioning of your argument such that it has more gravitas (pointing at some

Furlough Fashion #606 – Wickens Wed – Court in the Act - 07 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #606 – Wickens Wednesday – Court in the Act. Court dramas have long been a staple of entertainment, from Perry Mason in the US to the over-lit wonkiness of Crown Court in the UK all the way up to Judges Judy and Rinder, both queens of the TV courtroom. We’re all in thrall to a barrister (not ones who make coffee and write your name on the cup) leaning on the lectern, glasses in hand saying “I put it to you…” or “…and yet you caught the apple I threw to you in your left hand” and

Furlough Fashion #605 – Wax in, Wax off - 06 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #605 – Wax in, Wax off. One of the down sides to listening to a LOT of music loudly, is the build-up of wax in the ear canal. There is a theory expostulated by Prof. I.M. Aycock of Kennebunkport Online University who says the amount of wax build-up is determined by the type of music. In his study, playing classical music caused the smallest wax increase whereas the biggest was caused by genres such as Pirate Metal, German Techno-Madrigal, Industrial Ska, and Speed-Oompah, but od

Furlough Fashion #604 – 8-Track to the Future - 05 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #604 – 8-Track to the Future. The one recurring anxiety dream I have involves being in the Radio HMV DJ booth at HMV Oxford Circus in the 1990s. The track is running out and I haven’t cued up the next one. As the seconds count down, I am frantic to avoid ‘dead air’ but can’t find another CD. Time runs out, I fade up the mic and start fumbling my way through an announcement, still wildly searching for the next track. I wake up screaming “Gift vouchers available at the tills!”. To

Furlough Fashion #603 – Hawai’ian Mighty - 02 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #603 – Hawai’ian Mighty. There are few sounds more evocative of their origin than the drums at the beginning of Hawaii 5-0 (boom…ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-boom, biddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-thump…bah-bah-bah-bah-baaaaa-bah etc.) or the slide’n’twang of a steel guitar, or kīkākila as the Hawai’ians say (see Pa’ahana by Brozman & Kaapana). Kate and I are lovers of Tiki culture and Tikipedia says ‘in Māori mythology, Tiki is the first man’. We have a Tiki bar based on the 20th Century explosion o

Furlough Fashion #602–Wickens Thurs-Listing By The Pool 01 June 2023

Furlough Fashion #602 – Wickens Thursday - Listing By The Pool. On a triumphantly sunny day we will head down to the split-level rockery swimming pool (not to be confused with the Olympic-sized pool near Queenswood Mansions’ topiary maze (or the leafy labyrinth as Kate calls it). We’ll make up a tray with grapefruit halves, a large pot of tea, and two of my own inventions: sourdough muffets (half muffin/half crumpet) and fondled eggs which are four eggs with some cream and Fuchsia Himalayan Moun

Furlough Fashion #601 – Boozer Interface - 31 May 2023

Furlough Fashion #601 – Boozer Interface. After the rigours of shoving nobs up and down, avoiding peaking in the red, and watching LEDs twinkle in the low lighting of Gingersound studio to get ‘Material Girl’ finished, I am spent. So today I have retreated to one of the few remaining real pubs in the area, The Cocks Inn. It’s a no-nonsense hostelry that serves beer and spirits and not cocktails. I can take a hard liquor without gagging but they serve things that can take the veneer off a Victori

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #3 – 8 May 2023

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #3 – Plate Expectations. The commemorative plate is part of the heady galaxy of commemorative items produced by companies such as Scambury Mint & Cashin Commemoratives. Some of my favourites over the years have been ‘UK Roundabouts’, lesser known royals such as Winklebutt the Fair, Tsar Baglione, and King Rollo (the plate for King Cnut had to be scrapped after an unfortunate typo wasn’t spotted), Queen Elizabeth II opens Milton Keynes’ giant ASDA’, and from

Click the image to see all the text; dreadful puns and all

Furlough Fashion #499 – Angora phobia - Wickens Wed. 07 September 2022

Furlough Fashion #499 – Angora phobia - Wickens Wednesday. It’s one of the sad truths about fashion that it is not immune to global troubles. Take angora, that super-soft, fluffy haloed wool produced solely from rabbits. It might have been beloved of Ed Wood, director of infamous classics like ‘Plan 9 From Outer Space’ and ‘Glen or Glenda’ (which I think about someone who dresses as both Glen Campbell and Glenda Jackson), but 90% comes from China. There have been some animal cruelty concerns in

Furlough Fashion #498 – Tiki Tuesday - 06 September 2022

Furlough Fashion #498 – Tiki Tuesday. Deep in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions, just passed the topiary Stonehenge (where the children dance to the Pipes of Pan) is our Tiki Lodge, a lush wooden haven full of beanbags, recliners, faux fur, and those cushions you scatter everywhere that I can never remember the name of. Whether I have been shredding guitar as easily as cabbage, making my crumhorn wail, getting friction burns from my güiro or pounding on my cahons it’s a great place to relax and

Furlough Fashion #497 – Titanium Copper 05 September 2022

Furlough Fashion #497 – Titanium Copper. You may remember FF#416 and my idea for British versions of dystopian films like ‘Escape From New Cross’ well, shortly after my post I was contacted by a cult sci-fi/horror UK film company ‘Full English Films’ (sometimes referred to as makers of Sci-Fry) who want to work with me. They were so impressed by my tale of Grass Snake Pitkin rescuing Sir Kier Royale from New Cross maximum security prison they asked me if I had any more ideas. Funnily enough I di

Furlough Fashion #496 – Chirpy, Chirpy, Leap, Leap -02 September 2022

Furlough Fashion #496 – Chirpy, Chirpy, Leap, Leap. When I was telling you about Doctor Armand Van Skull of Kintyre yesterday it put my mind of other well-known Vans such as the lovely-lovely trainers, the white vans driven by ruddy-faced shouty men, Morrison the Irish singer and supermarket owner, Gogh, the mono-eared painter of chairs and sunflowers and, most importantly, the rock poets of Eddie and Alex Van Halen. This morning I was feeling a little sluggish and unprepared to face the day unt

Furlough Fashion #495 – Ghouls Allowed - 01 September 2022

Furlough Fashion #495 – Ghouls Allowed. Ever on the look out for new enterprises to expand the fashion empire into I’ve been realising that getting into niche markets can be lucrative and rewarding. There are many markets already making the cash registers ring, but I don’t think anyone has fully tapped the potential of the Gothic Pound. The image may be of doom-laden, seekers of the night who hang around war memorials drinking cheap cider and sighing, but this cliché is wrong. Goths are often hi

Furlough Fashion #494–Wickens Wednesday–Seen And Not Herd-31 Aug 2022

Furlough Fashion #494 – Wickens Wednesday – Seen And Not Herd. Cowboy and Cowgirl fashion is coming back thanks, in part, to the promotional work being undertaken at Queenswood Mansions. You may have seen some of the recent articles in the fashion press such as ‘Chaps Who Love Getting Into Chaps’, ‘How The Udder Half Live’, ‘Branding by the Brands Who Like To Brand’, ‘Rope Springs Eternal’ and ‘Ranch Dressing’.

Kate, in particular, can’t get enough chaps and often swaps them over four or five t

Furlough Fashion #493 – Gear As Folk - 30 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #493 – Gear As Folk. A relaxing time was had on holiday in Essex despite there being much to do i.e., lounging, yawning, getting to the fridge for beer, opening crisps, yawning again, afternoon snoozes, opening crisps, moving the chair out of the shadows and back into the sunshine, and opening crisps. Coming home for a post-vacation weigh-in was a bit of a shock to the system and I realised I needed to do more to shift the heft. However, on the last day of the break I came acros

Furlough Fashion #492 – Patch Of The Day - 19 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #492 – Patch Of The Day. Furlough Fashion #500 is fast approaching but I need to go dark for a week in order to start constructing the FF500 song which will celebrate the last 100 posts. The identity of this will remain a carefully guarded secret known only to those brave souls who have agreed to be part of the Furlough Fashion singers (you still have time to take part if you want to let me know).

I have already started inputting all of my data: measurements, styles, and images

Furlough Fashion #491 – Thank You Beret Much - 18 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #491 – Thank You Beret Much. The beret dates back to the bronze age (ironically a name also given to our current century due to the high number of fakes tans everywhere). It can be revolutionary or Rastafarian, military, or Michael Crawford but whatever your reason for wearing this millinery masterpiece it seems unlikely to ever go out of fashion. Research by the French southern coastal ‘Institut de la Nice Têtes’ (there motto: “si tu veux aller de l'avant, prends un chapeau”) h

Furlough Fashion #490 – Wickens Wednesday - Oh Beehive! 17 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #490 – Wickens Wednesday - Oh Beehive! Everyone knows that Kate is the real power behind the fashion throne. While my brain is made up of candyfloss and whimsy, Kate’s brain is held together with check lists and maths (I can only do maths with my fingers and toes which is embarrassing in a restaurant, and we don’t talk about the time I had to go to count to 21 and the Police were called). But Kate realises although she is the grown adult while I am the profligate man-toddler the

Furlough Fashion #489 – Rotary Club - 16 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #489 – Rotary Club. There’s nothing like nostalgia to make you appreciate the past and while rummaging in Kate’s boudoir recently I found a large trunk with contained old telecommunications equipment. I found my old pager, which for younger readers was like texting but more expensive than gold, there and most of the mobile phones I’ve ever owned including classics like the Nokia 3310, 6310i, 8110 and the rare mobile for farmers, the Nokia E1E1O.

But the real joy was the model y

Furlough Fashion #488 – Dry Society - 15 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #488 – Dry Society. What a Summer! Reservoirs running low, hosepipe bans, and the mercury still won’t come down from the thin atmosphere at the top of the thermometer. We all have to do our bit, so Kate and I no longer have morning, lunchtime, pre-dinner and post-dinner bubble baths. We’ve have shut down all thirty of the dancing fountains in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions and, sadly, the acres of manicured lawns are now the colour of Caramac and the topiary menagerie looks

FF SR 487 12 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #487 – I Ennui’d Myself. Well, it’s a week to the day that I performed with the band @Skylon and the applause is still ringing in my ears due to me playing it from a BBC sound effects record (it’s the applause from a 1978 edition of ‘Cheggers Plays Pop’). Our three-hour set comprised of Swiss Schlager, Estonian goat herding music, and an electronic kazoo crescendo which left the audience speechless (we’re planning to release an album called ‘Daddy’s Taking Us to the Kazoo Tomorr

FF SR 486 11 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #486 – Think You Under The Table. How many people really think about thinking? When you think about it, the thoughts we have regarding thinking about thinking are not high. In contemplating this issue I realised that we have become a far too reactive society and now live in an age where we’re hooked on the instant stimulus from social media, streaming services and the fluffy tidal wave of cat videos (NB: don’t search for ‘cute pussies’ again on the company PC). With this in mind

Furlough Fashion #485–Wickens Wednesday–Reach For The Bars-10 Aug 2022

Furlough Fashion #485 – Wickens Wednesday – Reach For The Bars. Last night we had the inaugural session in our new pop-up bar: ‘Liquor In The Sky’ (we did toy with other names such as ‘The Quaff In The Loft’ and ‘Brew Sky Drinking’), a temporary structure for summer which sits 200ft high looking out over the inky blackness of the Queenswood Mansions estate. It offers a panoramic view of the former plague pits of South London, the old gasworks that’s now a quinoa farm, and the sweep of Crystal Pa

Furlough Fashion #484 – Civil Serpent - 09 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #484 – Civil Serpent. Can you feel the excitement building? Have you been ticking the days off your calendar? The new series of The Great British Snake Off is coming to subscription TV. Yes, move over Ru Paul, it’s time for the world’s premier dress-up-like-a-snake contest to return. 30 contestants will be whittled down from the simpler costumes in Week One: ‘Snakes Honour Plain’ on their way to being crowned King or Queen Cobra in week 77. Who can forget Nelson’s enormous creat

Furlough Fashion #483 – Spot the Difference - 08 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #483 – Spot the Difference. Given the success of FF #86, #266 and more recently #469, Giant Animal Print Discount Warehouse ‘FEE-FI-FAUX’ contacted me to do a promotional shot for them and their range of ‘leopatards’ which are “animals prints for the playtime at the watering hole” (I came up with that slogan). They gave me extra cloth so I could dress up a corner of Big Game room and I draped it over the intersection of the 10-foot Jenga tower and 6-foot pop’o’matic dice from Fr

Furlough Fashion #482 – Shed Admiral - 04 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #482 – Shed Admiral. In my design shed in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions I have been working on stage outfits for the Skylon show tomorrow. Here is one of the outfits that didn’t make the cut: The Butterfly, based on the many species that floof their way round the wild meadow near our topiary sculpture of a 1951 Fender Telecaster (the one with a pine body, bridge pickup, and flat polepieces). The outfit was rejected when I tried it out at a rehearsal and my vigorous guitar s

Furlough Fashion #481 – Wickens Wednesday – Suit Camp - 03 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #481 – Wickens Wednesday – Suit Camp. 80s power dressing is back! Before the trend for super-tight peacock blue suits, pompadour haircuts and perma-stubble so beloved of estate agents and greed-eyed traders in the city, we had the frankly bonkers mash-up of styles in the 1980s. It’s like fashion designers were permanently drunk or tripping as they matched colours that should have a restraining order prohibiting them from being within 100 yards of each other, putting tiny people

Furlough Fashion #480- Chuck-up Tuesday - 02 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #480- Chuck-up Tuesday. This is part of an occasional series I’ve not done before where I chuck up a random picture from my past. This week I was inspired by the sad death of 2000AD editor and contributor Alan Grant. He oversaw the golden age of the comic and was responsible for giving a break to a then unknown writer, Alan Moore. 2000AD was a huge part of my childhood, and my grown-up childhood, and I loved reading Judge Dredd with everyone saying ‘Drokk’, ‘shut up you Drokker’

Furlough Fashion #479 – Life In The Fasten Lane - 01 August 2022

Furlough Fashion #479 – Life In The Fasten Lane. Well, the annual fashion audit for zips and fastenings is over. A team of auditors rooted around in my drawers, rummaged in my chest and, of the 30 that went into the walk-in warehouse, two got lost and we had to send the sniffer dogs out to find them. One was found under a collapsed ziggurat of cloaks which they had disturbed while trying to locate my BSi certificate for EN 16732 (Slide fasteners -zips) and the other, who should have gone right a

Furlough Fashion #488 – Get a Grip - 22 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #488 – Get a Grip. It’s that time of year again when what happens every year happens now. Next week it’s the annual fashion audit for zips and fastenings conducted by the firm ‘Zip It, Button It & Shutyahole’. Given that the walk-in-warehouse now covers several acres this is a mammoth task requiring a team of auditors (the collective noun is ‘a Desiccation’). Next week I’ll be knee deep in paperwork as they ask for forms such a 69FU which proves that we conform to BSi patent Z1P

Furlough Fashion #477 – Hot Weather Blows - 21 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #477 – Hot Weather Blows. It is now cool enough to let my hair down, but I still need to keep a firm grip on my vintage fan from J. McLane Ltd (their motto “Dry Hard With A Vengeance”) in order to stay cool. I love a vintage fan, and also have models by Dango, Tasise, Nies, and Zine. Like most people, when I get in front of a fan I will risk lip injury by moving close to the blades and making the Darth Vader voice and I will also impersonate every 80s/90s pop video; the decades

Furlough Fashion #476 - Wickens Wednesday - 20 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #476 - Wickens Wednesday - The Pineapple Of My Eye. Not music time to write today as, due to the heat had subsided, we have dashed down to Queenswood Mansion’s artificial beach for a cooling dip in Lake Veronica. Sporting our his and hers sporting wear from ‘Kenny Joggins’ we also made sure that we are topping up on the minerals that get lost during excessive bouts of sweating by grabbing the huge juicy melons and plump pineapples Kate has in her fecund plots. So we’ll be frolic

Furlough Fashion # What An Ice-Hole - 19 July 2022

Furlough Fashion # What An Ice-Hole. Deep at the bottom of Queenswood Mansions we have a massive ice-hole. It’s dark and clammy and it’s where we keep our ample supply of ice. Normally this stays relatively untouched apart from our annual skating shows such as ‘Skate Outta Compton’, ‘Barton Rink’, ‘Spice on Ice’ (our jukebox icescapade about the Spice Girls), and of course family favourite ‘The Human Centipede – On Ice’.

But given the weather I have been in and out of the ice-hole for the last

Furlough Fashion # Mirrored Balls - 18 July 2022

Furlough Fashion # Mirrored Balls. Enough is enough, I had to do it. I needed to send the UV rays back where they came from and away from my alabaster skin so I dismantled the largest mirror ball we have in the Queenswood Mansion ballroom and turned it into a sun reflecting outfit. Much as I love to strictly come dancing, organza fun will have to take a backseat to staying cool for the next few days until the woman goes back into the weather house (sunny, dry) and the man pops out (wet). Our fol

Furlough Fashion #473 – Swish You Were Here - 15 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #473 – Swish You Were Here. I love a tassel (see FF#72 the Beerkini, #73 sheer silk tassel, #146 the Golder Shower of Tassels, #288 ‘Fanny Might Get Her Gun, and #457 Tassel Hoff) but I did not know that one of their early uses was to help religious types remember all the commandments like Thou Shalt Not Kill Bill, Thou Shalt Not Take Jack Lord’s Name In Vain, Thou Shalt Remember to Honour Black Sabbath and The Sandal Shalt Not Lie With the Sock. Tassels were also designed to w

Furlough Fashion #472 – Party Like It’s 1995 - 14 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #472 – Party Like It’s 1995. In this heat I was reminded of another heatwave back in 1995 where Britain saw temperatures of around 30 degrees in July and August. The nineties was a watershed decade as we shifted from the analogue to the digital, from Tory to Labour and from pop to rap and rave. It was the decade of Gladiators, Sex & The City, Pulp Fiction, Mr Blobby, and Julia Roberts and Keanu Reeves, who were in nearly every film released, including undocumented cameos in man

Furlough Fashion #471 – Wickens Wednesday - Hot Box - 13 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #471 – Wickens Wednesday - Hot Box. It’s Hot! How hot is it? Postmen in speedos, train carriages that smell like locker rooms, seaside exodus, ice cream vans with queues you would expect on Black Friday, and if you’re a fan of sales then sales of fans have gone through the roof and gallons of iced-lattes are being consumed, people are flocking to iced-Pilates classes and Cold Yoga, and there’s been a run on triple frozen ice where you freeze it, thaw it and freeze it again three

Furlough Fashion #470 - Dangle Berries - 12 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #470 - Dangle Berries. In another attempt to cool down I’ve been WFH. WFH is one of those new fancy acronyms young professionals are always using, like ROTPFG (Rolling On The Parquet Floor Guffawing), IMHOWYDW (In my Humble Opinion, Which You Didn’t Want), and the Tory Ministers favourites SOTDO (Say On Thing Do Opposite), and OSSWYAC (Only Say Sorry When You Are Caught). In this case WFH stands for ‘Working From Hammock’ and I bought this string beauty from Scottish manufacture

Furlough Fashion #469 – Hot Spot - 11 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #469 – Hot Spot. As the mercury climbs pale creatures like me, who have the Scandinavian gene shrink further into the shadows and, if it wasn’t for the environment, would consider pulling up a chair to the chest freezer with a view to getting frost on my nipples. But I decided to try something slightly different and embrace the heat by dressing hot to stay cool. I recently took delivery of a quarter mile of leopard print from the Giant Animal Print Discount Warehouse called ‘FEE

Furlough Fashion #468 – Your Tick In My Box - 08 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #468 – Your Tick In My Box. With all the hoo-ha and de Pfaffery going on at the moment I have been wondering whether this is my time to turn a fashion franchise into a velveteen vote winner. I haven’t quite decided what platform to stand on but I have plenty of practice standing on platform heels, and if I was going to throw my hat into the ring then you know it will be a high quality fedora, Sinatra or a felt beret. Aside from the lying, bullying, threats, fibs, hypocrisy, lyin

Furlough Fashion #467 – I’ve Karted - 07 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #467 – I’ve Karted. Queenswood Mansions has it’s own go-kart track, not one that we put in but from a previous owner: Ricky Larder, the 2-Stroke Terror from Yorkshire. He was a regular champion on the Formula 13 circuit, racing at Tinstone, Donington Services, and Brands Hutch (near the rabbit sanctuary) and he made his considerable wealth advertising Hutton-le-Hole Lard with the immortal phrases “You can’t spell Larder without using Lard” and “Ma wife loves me dripping on her t

Furlough Fashion #466 – Wickens Wednesday - 06 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #466 – Wickens Wednesday - Pulled Off on The Hard Shoulder. As you know, Kate and are devotees of cult sci-fi TV series like ‘Spacepants Patrol’ and ‘Wormhole Wars’. However, we also like a classic drama series, and some older readers will remember the US motorcycle cop series CHiPS that ran from 1977 to 1983 and starred Erik Estrada as hirsute hunk Ponch and vanilla dreamboat Larry Wilcox as the straightlaced Jon. All those great episodes when they got on their bikes and solved

Furlough Fashion #465 – Frizz Master’s Voice - 05 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #465 – Frizz Master’s Voice. It’s hot, it rains. It’s hot, it rains. It’s hot, it rains. For someone with the kind of hair that used to get used to clean the steps of a terraced house in the early 1900s all the humidity plays leads to the dreaded frizz, havoc with my ability to tease it into shape. Before Kate gives me tongs and I set to teasing, tweaking, primping, and pampering my locks my hair often looks like a terrier having a fight with a candyfloss machine. So, today I th

Furlough Fashion #464 – Skin & Tonic - 04 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #464 – Skin & Tonic. “How does he stay looking so young?” I hear people ask and assume they’re talking about me. Is it 19 hours sleep a night? Vitamins? A full morning skin care regime with scruffing, buffing and moisturising? Seaside negative ions and getting my face in the spume? Virgin’s blood? Well, no, it’s none of those things, my secret is cod liver oil filled daylight balanced lightbulbs. I don’t want to bore you with the science but my online degree in ‘Fluid Photonics’

Furlough Fashion #463 – Sucking Amazing - 01 July 2022

Furlough Fashion #463 – Sucking Amazing. A bit late in the day but that’s one of the downsides of the trainset lifestyle when you are heading all over the country spreading fashion joy. A catwalk in Crewe, a runway in Runcorn ending up with libation in Liverpool; it’s all part of the heady world of a fashionista. So, before the sun sets over my cocktail bar, I wanted to share with you my new favourite tipple: Mootopia, a milk-based concoction with an extra something of your choice to make it sin

Furlough Fashion #462- Servicing My Fans - 30 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #462- Servicing My Fans. Life at the top of the middle of the bottom 20% of the fashion market means that people want a piece you. Sometimes it’s a literal piece, like the time I was on the red carpet and someone snipped my Issey Miyagi ‘waxonwaxoff’ gown with some pinking shears, or people stop me in the street and ask questions about the other designers I know, such as “what’s Vivian Westworld really like?” or “is it true Goatier’s conical bra was originally two gold Slinkies?

Furlough Fashion #461 Wickens Wednesday–Ambling Addiction 29 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #461 Wickens Wednesday – Ambling Addiction. Most nights Kate and I like to participate in an evening trudge around the grounds of Queenswood Mansions. Whether we have just finished an immersive box set such as ‘Dragon Scroll Boob Warriors’, ‘The Mighty Swords of Netherton’ or sci-fi series ‘Spacepants Patrol’ or ‘Thrust Pilots of The Twin Mountains of Mammilla Prime’ or just be in need of some fresh air after drinking Kate’s delicious cocktails (her Vespre Martini is really dry)

Furlough Fashion #460 - Söt Och Siskig - 28 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #460 - Söt Och Siskig. Over the years our love of Swedish culture has grown; ABBA, IKEA, meatballs and more recently Noir dramas like The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge. There are still many things we don’t fully understand, like an open sandwich, which I think is a sandwich that is free to see other products like rolls and buns, how accents can change the sound of an ‘a’ into an ‘oo’ except on every other Friday during Midsommar where an umlaut appears, and it becomes ‘errr’. T

Furlough Fashion #459 – Reelin’ In The Tears - 27 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #459 – Reelin’ In The Tears. ‘The Repair Shop’ has become one of the nation’s favourite shows with its heart-warming moments as people bring in their precious objects for the team to work on. Who can forget when they re-upholstered a drug dealers’ sofa and got super-high and rode penny farthings to the nearest garage to buy all the Mars Bars, and the time they rebuilt a trebuchet and accidentally fired Jay Blades into the next county? But there is a darker side to the show. When

Furlough Fashion #458 – Crossing the Channels -24 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #458 – Crossing the Channels. With the release of Paramount+ this week it means another TV channel to subscribe to if you want to see the latest, greatest, most blockbustery, mega series. Whether it’s Star Trek, Star Wars or the forthcoming biopic Starmer (where they’ve spent millions using CGI to remove everything exciting from every shot to get it as authentic as possible). We’re awash with channels such as Netflix, Prime, HBO, Hulu, Starz, AppleTV, and Disney+ (apparently rum

Furlough Fashion #457 – Tassel Hoff - 23 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #457 – Tassel Hoff. Summer may bring sun, poolside cocktails, red foreheads and toasted buns, a deficit of carbohydrates before one’s grand tour to Marbella, shots (vaccinations and flaming Sambucas), lotions to avoid burning (I use Krypton Factor 50) and salves to cool you down if you do burn (I use the brand ‘Aloe Vera Duckworth’ with their tagline ‘Takes care of your Coronation Heat’), and buckets full of ice and beers with fruit stuffed into the top in the same way people tr

Furlough Fashion #456 - Wickens Wednesday – PJ Probe -22 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #456 - Wickens Wednesday – PJ Probe. Kate is big fan of the magazine ‘Up The Wooden Stairs: Monthly’ which reviews night-time wears; everything from bog standard pyjamas and gowns all the way up to the slinky-saucy end of the market and all those see-through diaphanous naughty nighties (I call them diaphanus as you can see your bum through them). She recently wrote to them to tell them about my status as one of the country's greatest fashion effluencers and they snapped at the c

Furlough Fashion #455 – Drain of Britain - 21 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #455 – Drain of Britain. I am in a little bit of a rush today as, due to the train strike, I will have to leave home two hours before I went to bed last night in order to catch a train that isn’t going arrive, especially as I think there’s been a what’s-the-points failure on my line this morning. But I thought I would quickly show you the work we had done in our bathroom recently by ‘Effit & Bojit’. In a cruel twist of life-imitating-art I had drawn the bathroom design on a napk

Furlough Fashion #454 – Bleach For The Stars - 20 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #454 – Bleach For The Stars. It’s been a long time since I’ve dusted off my indie trousers, plugged in my delay and reverb, fired up my fuzz and adjusted my flange, but with a gig coming up in a week I have been furiously practicing my fingering and trying not to fret. But much as the screaming solos and power chords are as important as the dry ice and wind machines and a monitor to put your foot on, a man of my fashion credentials must always make sure that finding the perfect

Furlough Fashion #453 – The Pun Has Got His Hat On - 17 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #453 – The Pun Has Got His Hat On. To hot…hotter than Satan’s piles, words not formation right in brain which is sweating on inside. My sweat is sweating…I’m wearing hot pants…not the fashion ones. Go lie down now…ice cubes in nethers…paddling pool…bland salad…sit in front of the open freezer in the nip…watch Arctic documentaries…swelter skelter…off putting feeling when sweat runs down bum cleavage…legs in shorts so white they could be made of Spectralon (look it up)…words not w

Furlough Fashion #452 – Rug Dealer - 16 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #452 – Rug Dealer. We live in a world that is less carpeted than it used to be. Homeowners now favour the bare floorboard above the Axminster so living below this can sound like Frankenstein’s Monster Riverdancing and pubs, having lost all their soft surfaces, now resound with the bouncing sonic needles of clinking glasses and staccato conversations. But the compromise seems to be having a throw or rug to cover parts of the floor and soften the sounds in the room so, with this i

Furlough Fashion #451 Wickens Wednesday-Big Purple Head 15 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #451 – Wickens Wednesday - Big Purple Head. In the days when the internet was just a twinkle in Tim Berners-Lee’s eye a lot of the TV channels produced showreels full of bloopers, outtakes and specially filmed segments for their Christmas parties. Some of you may have seen the sweary edition of ‘Rainbow’, but there’s also the saucy ‘Paddington Bare’, ‘Bagpussy’, and ‘Randall & Hopkirk: Diseased’ (where they get treated for STDs), and no one wants to see ‘Scatweazle’ ever again.

Furlough Fashion #450 – Pumping Irony - 14 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #450 – Pumping Irony. My mottos used to be ‘get fat now, ask me how’ or ‘Come and have a go if you think your lard enough’ and I was also a member of the ‘Fatness Fast’ Reddit group where we gorge on recipes for the quickest way to ingest full fat, high calorie food such as grilled-cheese sandwiches with Cadburys Butons, Reese’s Risotto, battered butter, and lardons, double-cream and cheese string pasta known as Carbs-onara. But now I have eschewed the chocolate path in favour o

Furlough Fashion #449 – Hot Diggety Doug - 13 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #449 – Hot Diggety Doug. As most of you will have been aware, this weekend included the annual Doug McClure Appreciation Day.
His break came in the TV series ‘The Virginian’ about cowboys who hadn’t had sex which is why they were always so angry. They were always shooting off their pistols because they weren’t able to shoot off their pistols. He then brought much needed gravitas to B, C, D, E and F-Movie classics such as ‘Satan’s Decagon’, ‘Cannonball Run XVIII: Mobility Scoote

Furlough Fashion #447 – Flapper’s Delight. 08 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #447 – Flapper’s Delight. ever since I introduced her to the work Cole Minor (FF#284, #342, #403) Kate has become obsessed with the 1920s and 30s. She has taken to wearing intricate dresses from ‘The Need for Bead’ and has taken up the slang of the time (just the other day she said I was “a complete dewdropper and shouldn’t take any wooden nickels from a floor-flusher who was just after giggle-water or a gasper”). At the weekend, during cocktail hour, she had sucked dry a Tom Co

Furlough Fashion #445 Owner of a Lonely Fart - 07 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #446 – Owner of a Lonely Fart. I have wanted to do more outside the dressing up box and in the world of invention as I feel that style is nothing without form and function to back it up. So, I have set up the Furlough Laboratory and re-tooled into a purpose built home just behind the north-east corner of the southwest wing’s east face. I call it Furlough Laboratory’s Acme Performance Systems (or F.L.A.P.S. for short). I’ve been in and out of F.L.A.P.S. sweating over a number of

Furlough Fashion – The Ticker Man #445 - 06 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #445 – The Ticker Man. Back in the early 2000s I spent some time working for TickerMaster who provided a global messaging service via tickertape. Pagers and mobile phones were still unreliable, and most were the twice the size of 30% of a large melon cut into the shape of two house bricks cut in half. Each company had an office which contained the TickerMaster Box, and these were known as the Box Offices which were all connected to the MotherTicker 3000 back at TickerMaster HQ.

Furlough Fashion – Quince Charming #443 - 02 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #443 – Quince Charming. In all the furore over the monarch’s 75-year reign it has been completely overlooked that it is also 75 years since the invention of the Quince. It was created by Harley Quince who had led a chequered life before becoming a successful fruit grower. So, I wanted to celebrate this Quince Jubilee and discovered that back in the early years, those who wanted an early start with their jam making and enjoy the 238 kilojoules of food energy and moderate amount o

Furlough Fashion – The Very Nerve of the Centre #442 - 01 June 2022

Furlough Fashion #442 – The Very Nerve of the Centre. I thought I would give you a rare glimpse of life behind the scenes at Queenswood Mansions. We get so many requests for me to wear designer’s clothes, set up photo shoots, and give out fashion advice to some of the world’s top touchers of cloth, we set up the Central Nexus Hub. It’s a place where we can coordinate the Furlough Fashion Empire and it’s been styled like an over lit 80s sitcom set. For this picture, we dug out some vintage clothe

Furlough Fashion – Top Pun #441 - 31 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #441 – Top Pun. It’s something you wouldn’t know from the eloquence of the way what I write about fashion, but I am also fully trained in the art of paronomasia or as lay-people-persons say, puns. In the late 1980s the military funded a number of fringe projects looking at non-conventional warfare and one of them was to use language to amuse and bamboozle the enemies capabilities. Being a cunning linguist, I was recruited to be part of their Top Pun programme and spent time work

Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Pink Monday #440 30 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #440 – Just Another Man Pink Monday. After a few days of stoicism, and being away from home, it’s great to be back relaxing and letting my hair both up, down, and out. I also added a little fringe (Americans call them bangs, probably because of their love of guns) and got to thinking about the phrase ‘teasing hair’. But then I remembered that, on the rare occasions I have been into a salon, I have seen stylists saying things to hair like “you’ve put on a bit of weight”, “it’s no

Furlough Fashion – The Eve of Distraction #439 26 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #439 – The Eve of Distraction. It’s the day before my Dad’s funeral and, having checked into the Waits Motel near the crematorium. These are a part of a chain of motels themed on the shabby chic stylings of gravel voiced Tom Waits. Just as the Chelsea Hotel has the lineage of artists and musicians such as Andy Warhol and John Lennon, the Waits Motel seeks to create somewhere that appeals to gonzo writers, hobo troubadours and leftfield, atonally ambient, non-traditional neo-prog

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday - Brass Kisser #438 25 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #438 Wickens Wednesday – Brass Kisser. I’ve recently become obsessed with brass band music after reading Hermann von Helmholtz 1885 treatise: ‘On the sensations of tone as a physiological basis for the theory of music”, where he talks about the instrument creating “a harmonic phenomenon wherein a passive string or vibratory body responds to external vibrations to which it has a harmonic likeness”. Who can resist vibratory bodies or external vibrations? It was also eloquently put

Furlough Fashion – Neck Mate #437 24 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #437 – Neck Mate. I thought yesterday’s picture of my snooker outfit would attract a lot of attention on my well tooled cue but I was wrong. Imagine my surprise when an email arrived at the Queenswood Mansions press office from the ‘World Cravatlas’, a book which shows the most stylish cravats from around the world. They said I would be the perfect ambassador for cravats which are coming back into fashion. The cravat has a glorious history; invented by the Romans, popularised by

Furlough Fashion – Cue Do You Think You Are? #436 23 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #436 – Cue Do You Think You Are? It’s true that the British love a cue, and have ever since billiards morphed into snooker amongst officers in the Indian army in the 19th century. The name snooker comes from the phrase ‘cock-a-snook’ because, well quite frankly those officers got up to some pretty questionable things. Snooker and music halls often went hand in hand during Victorian times, meaning you could sink the brown one minute and pop next door and see Fannie Leslie or laug

Furlough Fashion – Fuddled Friday #435 20 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #435 – Fuddled Friday. Back in the days of vaudeville there were lots of novelty acts that trod the boards. Long forgotten stars such as Peter Poker, The Perspicacious Piercer who did unmentionable things with sharp objects, Senior Nuts and His Mexican Tap-Dancing Squirrels, and Deptford Dave, the Dapper Dandy of East London with his popular songs “She Gives A Squeal for My Jellied Eel”, “My Raspberry Fled the Khyber Pass and Made Her Hampstead’s Chatter” and “I’m Comin’ Up Your

Furlough Fashion – Thigh Will Be Done - #434 19 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #434 – Thigh Will Be Done. On such a grey and rainy day the only physical antonym to this is to pop on something that sticks two fingers up at the slate coloured sky and says “do your worst”. In fact, the phrase ‘do your worst’ is actually a bastardisation of ‘Mach deinen Würstchent’ which came out of 1950s Germany when American rock ‘n’ roll music first arrived and a new dance craze, The Hotdog’ spread through the clubs and dive bars of Berlin after Ekkehard Prezleyteddybärherz

Furlough Fashion – Space 19,999,999 - #433 - 18 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #433 – Space 19,999,999. As you know, Kate and I have a love of long-forgotten Canadian sci-fi series such as ‘Wormhole Wars’ (FF#61 & 70), ‘Spacepants Patrol’ (FF#157, 160, 330, 369) and ‘Wanda Lust – Space Mercenary Rebel’ (FF#296) but we have recently discovered a series that is suspiciously close to a Gerry Anderson series from the 1970s. It’s the year nineteen million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine and it’s nineteen million nine hundred a

Furlough Fashion - The Gist of my Wist 2 #432 -17 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #432 - The Gist of my Wist 2. One more photograph of my month of indulgence, away from Furlough Fashion. In the midst of my wist I spent a lot of time in the East Wing boudoir which is decorated with lots of neutral colours that help calm the mood. There’s a whole range from paint sellers ‘Slapiton’ I used including ‘Mint Indolence’ and a ‘Fey Grey’ carpet from ‘Get Laid’ which were balanced by the crisp white of the crocheted bedspread. I would spend a lot of my time there in m

Furlough Fashion #431 The Gist of my Wist - 16 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #431 The Gist of my Wist. Like that phrase “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma” this year has been odd and challenging and full of highs (new job) and low-lows (bereavements) so, as you can imagine, fashion has not been high on my list of priorities. During the last month I have taken to staring wistfully off into the distance and sighing deep plangent sighs. I grew my hair out (everywhere), and heard that sun on your areolas is healing when sadness descends. Appar

Furlough Fashion #430b - Return of the Mac - 15 May 2022

Furlough Fashion #430b - Return of the Mac. Well, it's been a month I can tell you. Some months slip passed unnoticed and vague, some months are full of fireworks, ice cream and winning raffle tickets, but some months come with metaphorical stones in the shoe or shopping trolleys that refuse to go the way you want them and are full of clocks that need stopping.
But more on that another time. For now, I am ready to pull on my flat cap from 'Nice Titfers', raincoat from 'Leader of the Pac A Mac'

Furlough Fashion – Frock Oeuf #430 15 April 2022

Furlough Fashion #429 – Frock Oeuf. Here we are again in the UK: the long weekend where we buy enough food for a week and still moan when the supermarkets are shut on Sunday and we’ve forgotten to buy some potatoes and have to go to the corner shop to buy some green potatoes at three times the price, we aim to park the car on the A303 with Stonehenge a speck on the horizon for 5 hours, families get together for a reminder of the arguments they had at Christmas and we enjoy 2 grammes of chocolate

FF SR 429 13 Apr 2022

Furlough Fashion #429 – Did You Just Art? – Wickens Wednesday. With the moth infestation slowly being dealt with by Bill Wyman who now runs bug exterminator company ‘Tumbling Lice’ (with the motto “You can get satisfaction from this Rolling Stone who gathers some moths”). So, Kate and I have been using the rooms in Queenswood Mansions that have no clothes and little in the way of soft furnishings and that’s when I suggested staging an art exhibition in the QM gallery space. I immediately started

Furlough Fashion – Slack Adder #428 07 Apr 2022

Furlough Fashion #428 – Slack Adder. As some of you many know Kate is very good with numbers, she’s a whizz with a spreadsheet and can do long, short and quite close division, as well as adding, subtracting, subcontracting, and multerplacations. She insists on keeping two sets of books for the household and says one of them is kept wrapped in plastic and in the toilet cistern in case of fire. She does all this so we can live within our means, and we regularly go through everything together; me w

Furlough Fashion – Sitting Proud In The Morning #426 05 Apr 2022

Furlough Fashion #426 – Sitting Proud In The Morning. As a fashionista you are used to seeing me in all my finished finery having been primped, plucked, powdered, and preened (which I think was the follow up to ‘Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered’), but today I thought I would give you a glimpse behind my velvet curtains and show you where the man becomes the myth. I am pictured in the corner of the master bedroom, where my vanity is covered in Kate, and I am calling down to the kitchen to order

Furlough Fashion - Brolly-Olly-Olly #425 04 Apr 2022

Furlough Fashion #425 - Brolly-Olly-Olly. We love talking about the weather in this country: “Raining cats and dogs”, “nice weather for ducks”, “One swallow doesn't make a summer” (depends on how good your summer was). Sadly, these expressions are becoming redundant and we may have to make up different ones, like “Raining Parrots and Penguins”, “Nice weather for amphibious trucks” or “Weather’s changing quicker than a Tory U-turn”. We can no longer “save for a rainy day” because we only get to a

Furlough Fashion – Old Dog New Wicks #425 01 Apr 2022

Furlough Fashion #425 – Old Dog New Wicks. I know that when I say when people are surveyed on their favourite objects there are two things that consistently top the list. That’s right, codpieces and candelabras. It’s hard to imagine the popularity of these ever waning and hardly a day goes by when I don’t spot an enormous, decorated bulge on the street or pass a codpiece or candelabra shop like ‘Battle of the Bulge’, or ‘Teenage Wicks’, ‘Cod Bless Us All’ or ‘Candle Bars’, ‘Cameo-m-g’ or ‘Waxplo

Furlough Fashion–Wickens Thursday–Kung Foolery #423 31 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #424 – Wickens Thursday – Kung Foolery. After taking yesterday off from fashion Kate was keen to make sure I wasn’t going to get out of shape, so we crunched our way down the gravel drive to the parade ground by the east wing gates where she introduced me to her own brand of martial arts called Cháhú Zhī Dào (or The Way of The Teapot). There are many forms of the martial arts around the world including Huka-huka from Brazil (you fight on a thin strip of grass), Turkey’s Oil Wres

Furlough Fashion – Tiramisuits You #422 29 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #422 – Tiramisuits You. I forgot to mention that at the weekend I took part in the local annual tiramisu making championships sponsored by hardcore baking company X-Sponge. Local businesses all make their take on the classic dish including solicitors Stuffem, Billalot, Shaftingus, and Smith who make their tiramisue-you every year which only takes them an hour but costs £2000. The cobblers make a Tiramishoe, a giant shoe-shaped desert that always buckles, the Opposites Society (t

Furlough Fashion – Show Us Your Tints #421 28 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #416 – Show Us Your Tints. Given the state of the world at the moment I wanted to test the theory that looking at everything through rose-tinted glasses would make a difference. I started by sticking some rose petals to a pair of sunglasses but, despite everything smelling like Turkish Delight, mainly I just walked into things. Then I use a rose-coloured Sharpie to ‘tint’ the lenses, but this had the same effect and I ended up wandering into the Queenswood Mansions maze where I

Furlough Fashion – True Love #420 25 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #420 – True Love. I know that everyone loves ‘Love Actually’ with its ten stories including a Prime Minister falling for a junior staffer, that Bob Dylan man showing signs to his best friend’s wife and a tiny drummer wooing a tiny American. But as heart warming as millions of people seem to find it, it is sadly lacking in a lot of information about the mechanics of love. I have therefore started producing a short film called ‘Love Factually’ which outlines what’s ‘actually’ happ

Furlough Fashion – Frights in White Satin #419 24 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #419 – Frights in White Satin. All the work I have been doing as an Axe-orcist reminded me of those old portmanteau shows like which had either a horror or sci-fi theme. I miss those old shows so have decided to approach the streaming services with an idea for a new show. I’m calling it ‘Ornate Armchair Theatre – Tales to Give You The Willies’ where I play the part of Baron Skrämmande Skräck, a gravelly old cove with a voice resonating heavily with doom who reads from his ‘Chron

Furlough Fashion – Throwback Wickens Wednesday #418 23 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #418 – Throwback Wickens Wednesday. It’ hard to believe it’s been nearly 12 years since a pompadour-haired estate agent handed us the keys to the sprawling acreage of Queenswood Mansions and took this picture of us in the clothes of the time (an outfit from ‘Tweed the Birds’ for Kate and one from ‘Twill Power’ for me). From the first moment we passed through the gates and drove up the 8 miles of the gravel path to the main house we knew it was the place for us.

We had a lot of

Furlough Fashion – Ghouls Aloud #417 22 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #417 – Ghouls Aloud. A few years back a shelf of DVDs collapsed in the media room, and I was hit on the head by a copy of the Exorcist and a documentary about luthiers called ‘Hole Lotta Rosewood’. After that I realised I had developed second, third and sometimes even third and a half sight. Then a guitarist friend was having trouble tuning their antique Martin and when I touched it I instantly knew that it was had been inhabited by the spirit of a tone-deaf turnip farmer from t

Furlough Fashion – Who Wants to See My Snake? #416 21 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #416 – Who Wants to See My Snake? This weekend I watched John Carpenter’s 1981 dystopian classic ‘Escape From New York’ starring Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken and I thought to myself that we rarely make these kinds of films made in this country. So, I have decided to make my own version set in London and called ‘Escape From New Cross’.

Set in the not to distant future (next week or the week after, I’m thinking) when New Cross has become a lawless sector of London, walled off

Furlough Fashion 3-Piece Sweetness - 415 18 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #415 3-Piece Sweetness. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and reach for the jogging bottoms or lederhosen and at other times you just know that today is the day you want to be the dapperest, most debonairest, most urbanified gentleman around. This morning was such a morning. So, I whipped out my cutthroat, got my phizog as smooth as buttered silk, scruffed and buffed and then lathered myself up with some of the finest lotions and unguents money can buy, such as ‘Cuthbert’s Ol

Furlough Fashion-Things Are Not Always What They Seem #414 17 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #414 Things are not always what they seem. This looks like a beautiful picture of me enjoying an al fresco guitar playing session on the artificial beach at the bottom of the imported cliff that runs behind the South Wing of Queenswood Mansions. However, I had to put the guitar down as I was feeling a little bilious and Kate snapped this picture of me nearly beating the current world record for holding the longest burp which stands at 1 minute 13 seconds 57 milliseconds. Annoyin

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday - Drum Chums #413 16 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #413 Wickens Wednesday - Drum Chums. We all know one of the best ways to relieve tension for couples. Oh dear, I know what you’re thinking, you must have such dirty minds, No, it’s drumming. Hammering on the big bass drum, twatting the tom toms, and getting red raw hands from your bongos. So, from time-to-time we withdraw to the soundproof drum lab, next door to Gingersound Studios, for a massive pounding session. However, playing drums on a drum is not without its problems, we

Furlough Fashion - Gluteus to the Maximus #412 15 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #Gluteus to the Maximus. I love mussels, plump little guys, all pillowy and flavoursome. One of my favourite meals is mussels in Pernod, garlic and butter which friends introduced me to when we went to Savoir Faire in central London. Yum! So, when I got a call from Mussel Boy magazine asking me to be their cover star I was over the moon. I thought I would be in for a day of posing and putting away several kilos of freshly caught mussels while the camera shutter clicked away. I h

Furlough Fashion - What Wattage for Your Cottage #411 14 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #411 What Wattage for Your Cottage. FF was posted slightly late today as a fuse blew in Queenswood Mansions and took out a number of the 10,000 lightbulbs in the various rooms, wings, dancefloors, studios, conservatories, and spas. So, I have been off on the golf cart dragging a trailer of replacements and changing the ones that had blown. We’ve got energy saving, LED, incandescent, fluorescent, filament, strip (my favourite) ones that flicker and ones that change colour with an

Furlough Fashion – Frubbles #410 11 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #410 – Frubbles. Yes, Friday bubbles are now officially a thing. In keeping with new guidelines issued by the Bubble Marketing Board we are all advised to indulge in something sparkling on a Friday. As you can’t all avail yourself of my sparkling personality in a one-to-one setting, I would urge you to include something sparkling in your trolley or basket today. Bubbles are fascinating things and offer examples of elasticity (the thing that stops your undies from succumbing to g

Furlough Fashion–Yellow, Is It Me You’re Looking For #409 10 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #409 – Yellow, Is It Me You’re Looking For? Woke up with a slight case of ennui (which is not to be confused with the even worse English phrase ‘on wee’). After scrolling through my online wardrobe to choose today’s outfit I found something that would suit my mood and jumped onto the Queenswood Mansions golfcart and headed off to Sector 76 to pick up my selection: an outfit designed by ‘The New Sour Generation’.

Somehow, I felt that yellow matched my mood and the word Lemonchol

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday - None More Noir #408 09 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #408 – Wickens Wednesday - None More Noir. Since my time at film school (“was that just after the talkies were introduced?” I hear you say, you cheeky monkey, you) I have loved a film noir. The high contrast tones, the hard-boiled nature of the stories and the hats. The film industry periodically tries to revive the style but usually with modern sensibilities like blood, gore and a lot of sexy-fun-time scenes. But I prefer the era of one-punch knockouts, women with inexplicable

Furlough Fashion – Saint Misbehavin’ #407 08 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #407 – Saint Misbehavin’. Happy St. Bernard’s Day everyone (whether you pronounce it Bern-ard or Bern-ood). It’s that time of year when all the good little boys and girls wait with bated breath for the treats that St. Bernard has brought them. Small deposits of Holy Crap (well, really just Cadbury’s Picnics) and Yellow Snow (lemon slushies) and 20 litre polypins of Rum for the adults. All of these treats symbolically help us survive the winter months and make it safely to spring

Furlough Fashion – Worn to be Mild #406 07 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #406 – Worn to be Mild. Sometimes you have to go back to the fashion classics, the LBD, a Fred Perry, turtleneck, the codpiece. This weekend as I had been inspired by watching a couple of classic motorcycle documentaries: ‘Fight With the Wind’ and ‘Pour Me A Cup of TT’, the 50’s Spanish biker film ‘The Wild Juan’ and that classic of the female cycle gang subgenre ‘Savage She-Devil Motorcycle Angels From Hell Ride At Dawn’. So, I reached for a white t-shirt and leather trousers f

Furlough Fashion – Fizz Dark Materials #405 04 Mar 2022

Furlough Fashion #405 – Fizz Dark Materials. I’ve noticed it’s popular to put up pictures from the past. So, I wanted to share something from my past that might be a lesson for us all. Back in the 90s I had a huge Coke problem, there I said it! I was working hard during the day and playing hard at night going to some of the trendiest clubs in London such as ‘Touching Cloth’ (which became Fabric), Ministry of Sand (they had a beach in the club), the New Romantic ‘Lace of Spades’, and gay clubs su

Furlough Fashion – Always Believe In. #404 03 March 2022

Furlough Fashion #404 – Always Believe In. Of all the many plaudits I have received for my tireless work in the field of fashion it’s been my great pleasure to be contacted by exclusive electric car manufacturer LKL-SASF (or ‘Leistungsstarke Kraftstoffeinspritzung Lässt Schickes Auto Schnell Fahren’ to give it its full name) as they wanted me to model for their new hood ornament. Rolls Royce’s has its ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’, Bentley has the ‘Flying B’, BMW the ‘Middle Finger Extended’ and who can f

Furlough Fashion - Wickens High Kickin’ Wednesday #403 02 March 2022

Furlough Fashion - Wickens High Kickin’ Wednesday. Ever since 2016’s ‘La La Land’ musicals have been back on the radar. Tinsel Town has always been in thrall to boas, sequins and turn-turn-kick-turn, one-two-three- kick-turn. Who can forget recent classics such as ‘Red Hot Tamales’, ‘Three Hips and a Hooray Henry’, ‘Big Bust on Wall Street’, ‘The Mango Tango Fandango’, ‘A Wonderful Night In Rio Ferdinand’, and jukebox musicals like ‘Wurlitzer Wonderful Life’. I am spearheading a revival of the

Furlough Fashion – Getting Blade Tonight #402 01 March 2022

Furlough Fashion #402 – Getting Blade Tonight. Ice Skating has never been more popular; whether it’s the many rinks popping up in winter to minor celebrities wobbling about on skates for ratings. There are many more TV shows currently being planned such as stars in Victorian dress for ‘Skate Expectations’, ‘Ice To See You, To See You Ice’, the show that Bruce Forsyth was planning before his death, and, to celebrate skating’s origins in Finland I’ve been working on a show called ‘Happy Finnish’ w

Furlough Fashion – Deadly Wood #401 28 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #401 – Deadly Wood. How much Chuck can a Nunchuck chuck? After a week of COVID symptoms I needed to get into shape, and I remembered British 70s action star Nunchuck Norris who extolled the virtues of fitness through martial arts. You may remember Nunchuck Norris from those low budget-big explosions films like ‘Missing In Acton’, ‘Mortal Deadliness’, ‘Mortal Deadliness II: Fatal Lethality’, ‘Fist Man’, ‘Fist Man II: Fist & The Furious’, ‘Shaolin Kung Fu Dragon Master Warrior Ass

Furlough Fashion–Calm B4 the Storm In a Teacup #399 - 16 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #399 – Calm Before the Storm In a Teacup. Wickens Wednesday. Valves are being warmed up and nobs are being oiled to stop them sticking because Gingersound Studio is ready to put the finishing touches to FF#400. I’ve laid down the bass (yes, I can go very low) and broke my G-String shredding guitar. I aim to bring you the best cover version I can; not just a static inducing nylon slipcover but a proper Egyptian Cotton duvet cover.

FF400 also means that Kate morphs into her music

Furlough Fashion - A Scale of a Time #398 15 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #398 A Scale of a Time. We don’t do it very often, but matching clothes to decoration does have its place at Queenswood Mansions. As demonstrated by today’s picture where I had bought an outstanding fish-tailed outfit from ‘Cod Is In The Details’ and thought, ‘that would make great wallpaper’. So, I created a room where you could live the life aquatic, relax and have a little nap, I called it La Dozy Mer room. It’s where I lounge around listening to Gill Scott Heron, Clam & Dave

FF SR 397 14 February 2022

Furlough Fashion – Starter for Ten #396 11 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #396 – Starter for Ten. With the sad passing of Bamber (Paul) Gascoigne this week I was reminded that, in the early 1990s, I worked on a spin-off of his hit show called Polytechnic Challenge. It was thought that the questions should less complex than those given to Toffington College Cambridge or Spyhome College Oxford. Having had a Polytechnic edukation like what I did, I impressed the TV Execs with my ability to skin up and down 6 pints in 6 minutes.

In the pilot we had two

Furlough Fashion – Battle of the Bulge #395 10 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #395 – Battle of the Bulge. I deal with a lot of couriers as I get a lot delivered round the loading bay at Queenswood Mansions. Whether I am ordering vinyl by the foot, receiving this month’s shipping container of trainers, or getting our bulk orders from JM-Hell (we recently got the lightless bulb which, once installed, saves you having to turn off the light, ‘Holy Pluck’ tweezers for hirsute clergy and the Storage 2000 System, which saves space by allowing you to store your s

FF SR 394 09 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #394 – Wickens Wednesday. Hoe-M-G. We’re close to that time of year when a certain woman of the house is looking to get some forking done in the undergrowth. Every Spring it’s the same, the bush is out of control, borders need a good trim, the hothouse needs a good clean, you need to check your butt is full and there’s plenty of compost. Kate has green fingers (as do I, but not for the same reason) and last year we had a cornucopia of produce from the walled garden behind the Ea

Furlough Fashion – Up Diddly Up #393 08 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #393 – Up Diddly Up. For quite a few years, wherever I go, people have shouted at me. When I was young it was related to the colour of my hair: ‘Ralph Malph’, ‘Beaker’, ‘Duracell’, ‘Belisha’ and so on. As I have faded from ‘on-fire’ to grey via ‘russet-in-the-gusset’ the epithets have changed and now, as I wander the Earth like Caine in ‘Kung Fu’, I have been perplexed as to why one particular rude word has been aimed at me.

But, by chance, when I was searching for Dutch aircr

Furlough Fashion - Shoe Dares Wins #392 07 February 2022

Furlough Fashion #392 – Shoe Dares Wins. During my week away from fashion passion I did a variety of things such as spending time in the metaverse as Lord Silver-Horn Goldmane III (a plush unicorn in rainbow-kitten-butterfly land) a little time looking at camp sites online as I hate camping and like to remind myself how nice it is to sleep in a real bed in a warm, rain-free home with walls and a ceiling. But one of the major jobs during the week was an audit of all the shoes, boots and trainers

Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #5 – Fluff Trade #391 28 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #391 - Jumper Week #5 – Fluff Trade. Well, it’s the final day of Jumper week and The Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear is very happy that they have shifted a lot if units (especially the heavy one in the kitchen that holds all the plates and cups). But we wanted to end on the cutting edge of jumper-science where designers are working at the top of their game unincumbered by convention, splicing V-necks with turtlenecks, re-wiring cable knit, and creating

Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #4. Sew What? #390 27 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #390 - Jumper Week #4. Sew What? The Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear, with Furlough Fashion, has been working to raise the profile of Jazz. Like most people, I tried jazz in college where a small group of friends introduced me to trad, big band, and swing which turned out to be the gateway genre to bebop. From there I got hooked on free jazz and polyrhythmic atonality and soon I was spending all my grant money in clubs like ‘Daddios Sauce’ and ‘L’Orycté

Furlough Fashion-Jumper Week #3 #389 26 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #389 – Jumper Week #3. Wickens Woolly Wednesday. The world of inspirational talks and books is a crowded market and we’ve all heard of ‘Think Yourself Taller’, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Nuns’ and ‘Dazzle! Sparkle Your Way To The Top’, but there’s a new player in the sandpit and they have chosen to use Furlough Fashion and Jumper Week as a platform for their books. So, all aboard ‘Loco Motovation’, the train-based book that will help you stay on the rails and “choo-choo-c

Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #2 #388 25 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #388 – Jumper Week #2. Today’s jumper was brought about by a discussion I had with a few unlearned gentlemen about how they had tried to watch some TED talks but really struggled to understand anything about the subjects such as ‘The Duality of Singularities and How They Affect Polycarbonate Structures’, ‘The Cynicism of Cynicism and How Optimistic Cynicism Can Be Utilised in Critical Thinking’ and so on. So, I thought why not start a series of lectures on simpler, softer subjec

Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #1 #387 24 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #387 – Jumper Week #1. The weekend has been spent in a cloud of wool as I have been preparing for International National Jumper Week which starts today (I’m sure you have seen the social media campaigns and billboards in your area). It’s become apparent to the Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear that people don’t know that jumpers can be worn all year round, not just at Christmas covered in bells, lights and 3-dimensional objects like Christmas Puddings or

Furlough Fashion – Wig Out Friday #386 21 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #386 – Wig Out Friday. “What’s that on your head? A Wig! What’s that on your head? A Wig! I say what’s that on your head? A Wig! What’s that on your head? A Wig! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG!”. Wise words from the B-52’s I think you’ll agree. I bring this up as the eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that very, very, very, very occasionally, in some of the pictures I post, it’s not my actual hair. Some of you may not have even noticed. Every so often I suffer stres

Furlough Fashion - The Red Baroness #385 20 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #385 - The Red Baroness. I can’t seem to keep away from the colour red this week especially as I uncovered something I bought a while back but had yet to wear. It’s a delightful diaphanous vintage 'Red Baroness' outfit from a small 60s boutique called ‘The Giraffe Laughed While the Taffeta Carafe Autographed the Chronograph Scarf’ (God knows how they got that on the shop front). This particular dress caused a sensation when it was worn by Anoushka Von Velch at Cocoa Giselle’s Lo

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Frost In Space Wednesday #384 19 January 2022

Furlough Fashion # Wickens Frost In Space Wednesday. When one starts to get a reputation for style gurudom and cunning linguistic dexter-fletchery when one has a drop bread gorgeous girlfriend-partner-lady-person, people naturally want some of that sparkle to rub off on their products (something I once got thrown out of a John Lewis for). Endorsing products goes with the territory if you’re an enormous effluencer like what I am so I will entertain putting my heft behind something if it’s on bran

Furlough Fashion - Red Wedgie #383 18 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #383 - Red Wedgie. Well, after wearing the Thighscraper boots yesterday I was much admired for the vibrancy of my redness (something that normally means a trip to the Doctor). People couldn’t decide whether the colour was pillar box or fire engine red but after two small children tried to post things in my knees, we’ll go with pillar box red. When I got home, I pondered lonely as a cloud (during a red sky at night) about a second day of redness and went off digging through the w

Furlough Fashion – The End Is Thigh #382 17 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #382 – The End Is Thigh. As I come close to the end of my current work contract it’s time to reveal a little more of myself to my temporary colleagues. Part of my admin duties has been to organise the stationary cupboard. They used to have a moving cabinet, but people got sick of never knowing where it was. It’s a mammoth repository of all the things that make a stationaryphile such as me weep with joy. They have hole punches, hole kicks, staplers, staple-removers, staple staple

Furlough Fashion - The Pipes Are Calling #381 14 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #381 - The Pipes Are Calling. I dodged a problem this coming weekend when a friend invited me to a karaoke competition up in Sheffield. I was a bit confused when they said I should work on my upper body strength, so after a few questions I discovered it was the annual ‘Carry Oakey’ competition where people take turns carrying Human League singer Phil Oakey round an obstacle course. I apologised and said I didn’t feel any fascination for this, but really wanted to sing this weeke

Furlough Fashion – Columbo Selector #380 13 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #380 – Columbo Selector. It’s dress like a detective day at work. I had wanted to go as Dalziel and Pascoe, but Sarah Pascoe wasn’t free, so I have chosen to go as the man who bumbles and shuffles and really pisses people off. No, not Boris Johnson as he couldn’t detect the killer if they were standing over the body shouting “It was me, I did it, I am the killer. Over here, it’s me the killer” but Lt. Columbo the Los Angeles detective who spends his time tracking down a famous s

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Operatic Wednesday #379 12 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #379 - Wickens Operatic Wednesday. While eating a huge plate of mashed potato and listening to some opera at the weekend a lightbulb went off over my head; it was Kate turning on the main light but that’s not important. Then I had the idea to ‘mash up’ opera with popular culture and so make it more accessible to young people (or sic, lit, GOAT or on fleek as they would say down at the youth club disco). So far, I have plotted out ‘La Bohèmsworth’ which features Thor, topless thr

Furlough Fashion - Remote Remote #378 11 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #378 – Remote remote. You hear it all the time “Where’s the remote?”, “Who had the remote last?”, “Yes, I checked down the side of the sofa cushions”, “Has one of you put it in the fridge again?”. Life is hard when the remote becomes remote. You can’t change channel, but the last channel selected only shows ‘The Real Housewives of Lewisham’s Big Gypsy Bake Off on Ice’ but you really want to watch that documentary on BBC4 about how the discovery of penicillin saved the artisanal

Furlough Fashion – Chairman of the Orb #377 10 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #377 – Chairman of the Orb. Ever found yourself thinking “I want to listen to Americana music at the same time you have your fortune told”? Well, my current venture is so far up your street you’ll think I moved in next door. I bring you Father John Mystic: he sees all, and he sings all, especially arch post-modern lyrics on tracks like ‘Nunhead Cemetery Forever’, ‘Rye Wit on Rye Bread with a Super Rye Guy’, ‘Tea for the Tillman’, ‘Gateaux Lobbing #9.5 (in DmajSus9 for Two Virgin

Furlough Fashion – Well Hung #376 07 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #376 – Well Hung. As the weekend fast approaches, I have been thinking about the fact that pictures become invisible when they have been up the same place for too long so I have started rearranging some of the best Furlough Fashion images I display in the long corridor between the East, South West and North West South wings of the house. I call it the Ufitzme Gallery.

It’s the back end of the working week so it’s time to ease myself into the weekend, and what better way to do t

Furlough Fashion – FRA(LOST)NC #375 06 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #375 – FRA(LOST)NCE – Bit of a misunderstanding at Queenswood Mansions after a discuss last night. Kate was watching a TV programme and I came into the room as she was saying how much she wanted Bonnie Tyler. Never one to deny my princess I did an immediate U-turn and headed off to the walk-in warehouse to see what I could do about it. I managed to locate the perfect top from vintage 80’s outfitters ‘Pullover the Rainbow’ and spent several hours bleaching and back combing my hai

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Grapple Wednesday #374 05 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #374 –Wickens Grapple Wednesday. Back in February 2021 (FF#165) Kate set up the WWF (Wickens Wrestling Foundation) on Zoom and I was wrestling under the name The Urologist. We had to shut it down for a while after I pulled a muscle (although it wasn’t one of mine) but in order to shift some of that Christmas weight we’re starting up again. I’m trying a different character this time and drew inspiration from the turn-of-the-century strongmen to create Arsen Prolapski with Kate as

Furlough Fashion - Call Me The Wild Mauver #373 04 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #373 - Call Me The Wild Mauver. One of the worst things about going back to work after the Christmas break is that people can see every ounce of what you’ve been eating and drinking. Everyone has their snack traditions and favourite tipples and this year I have binged on a K2-sized bag of Brazil nuts, Christmas Wagon Wheels (with the snowball marshmallow centre), the new Over 18, alcoholic, hipster Newberry Fruits with risky flavours like dragon fruit, quinoa, and durian, After

Furlough Fashion - Fists Up In 2022 #372 03 January 2022

Furlough Fashion #Fists Up In 2022. Some years need to be approached with respectful genuflection and others with vigour and gusto, but I thought the best strategy for 2022 was to come out the corner fighting. I know how much some of you appreciate boxing, or ’The Nobel Art’ as Laureate, fight enthusiast and notorious street brawler Kofi Annan called it. We can all appreciate the power of a fist in the ring, and I have a strong feeling that 2022 is not averse to hitting below the belt and a bit

Furlough Fashion – It’s a Wrap! #371 31 December 2021

So before Old Father Time wields his enormous chopper and cuts away the vestigial remains of 2021, I hope you have a fantastic New Year’s Eve guzzling down the liquid of your choice (Custard Cream Bourbon with Risky Business and Lambrini mixers plus Quorn Star Martinis here at Queenswood Mansions). I also wish you all an amazing 2022 when I hope you are able to adequately defend your compound from marauding hordes of looters, armed Brexiteers and Tory party members who, rumour has it, will legal

Furlough Fashion – Cover Me! #370 30 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #370 – Cover Me! I’ve just been updating my portfolio to include recent Furlough Fashion outfits that have been featured in some of South London’s biggest magazines such as ‘SMELLE’ which is a big glossy that deals with fragrance and fashion and where ‘Fur L’eau’ was featured (see FF#93 in July 2020), 'Harpo’s Bizarre’, started by the honking Marx Brother to celebrate tramp chic, Liverpool’s ‘Good Scousekeeping’, because a Liverpudlian is for life not just Christmas, ‘Marie Clai

Furlough Fashion – Handling My Bolex #362 28 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #362 –Handling My Bolex. One of the great presents from this year’s cache was a vintage 16mm cine camera. I’ve been telling Kate about the Bolex I played with during my time at college. The thrill of exposing the cans after popping out my light meter, the rush when hearing the motor whir as it captures over 10 seconds of action in one go. However, I got the deluxe version with a double power pack which gives over 5 minutes of filming time before you have to charge them for 12 ho

Furlough Fashion - BFPO. #361 27 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #361 – BFPO. I hope you all pulled off a fabulous Christmas but as you were straining the waistband on your clothes, I hope you spared a thought for those serving the fashion industry away from home: British Fashionistas Posted Overseas. This year I was contacted by Fashion Lovers Overseas United National Council (of) Exhibitionists (or F.L.O.U.N.C.E.) to broadcast a thank you message to all those currently serving the couture cause overseas. I headed straight down to the Furlou

Furlough Fashion - Happy Christmas - 25 December 2021

I wanted to wish you all a very merry Furlough Fashion Christmas from all of us at Queenswood Mansions. Now I'm off for some breakfast cocktails such as The Slay Ride (lots of vodka, cranberry with a dusting of icing sugar), a Dirty Rudolph (a bloody Mary decorated with 2 glacé cherries stuck to the stick of celery) and 'A Slow Comfortable Scrooge Against the Wall' (a mixture of 3 spirits).

Furlough Fashion – My Christmas Package. #365 24 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #365 – My Christmas Package. Today I invite you to come and experience my Christmas package as I don the mantle of Paul Effington Cook, crooner at large. You may remember the many albums I have released over the years such as ‘How Croon Is Now’ my lounge versions of Smiths songs, ‘Dark Side of the Croon’, my lounge versions of Pink Floyd songs, and ‘A Croonful of Sugar, Helps the Medicine Goes down’, my lounge version of Disney songs. Well I thought it was time I disgorged some

Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364 23 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #364 – A Nod’s As Good As A Wink. Kate said she wanted mutton chops for her Christmas Eve-Eve tea. I instantly knew that mutton chops was code for the fact that it’s not really Christmas until you hear the steel vocal cords of Noddy screaming. So, you can imagine the surprised look on Kate’s face early this morning when I brought her a cup of tea dressed in my 70s finery, with my whiskers bristling, and screamed “It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364B 23 December 2021

See text for Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364 23 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday, Top Trumps #363 22 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #363 – Wickens Wednesday, Top Trumps. Yesterday was my last day at work for the year but Kate has already been off creating a seasonal wonderland in the front vestibule at Queenswood Mansions. It’s also a big day as we’ve just been twinned with a town in Somerset. To honour this, we have built a ‘Yeovil Office’ in our West Wing. Today we’re being visited by of Yeovilian dignitaries, including the mayor who is also a dentist and so keen to unveil our plaque. They also want to dis

Furlough Fashion – A Glittery Wand #362 21 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #362 – A Glittery Wand. Kate loves Christmas and said she wanted to have a wizard one this year so, ever happy to oblige, I dug deep into glam recesses of Queenswood Mansions walk-in warehouse to pull out an original costume from the 1970s as worn on the German music show ‘PopisttollundlässtdichdieHoseschwingen’ and the French show ‘La Pop C'est Cool’, which showcased many glam acts like Switzerland’s Go-Go-Yodellers, Belgium’s Cellules Grises, The Netherland’s Gelmar Schitteren

Furlough Fashion – Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am #361 20 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #361 – Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am. I’m kicking off Christmas week with a seasonal look I like to call George (pronounced shorsh). If you’re looking for stubble, then you’ve come to the right place and I have paired the rough with the smooth feel of a José Mourinho Wool scarf in burnt umber or chestnut or taupe (which I learned recently derives from the French word for ‘mole’). And like a beautiful, snow-capped hillock I have teased, backcombed and preened my hair into this volumiz

Furlough Fashion – What the Pluck! #360 17 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #360 – What the Pluck! Harps: they accompany the start of dream sequences, play gently by susurrating fountains in sword and sandals epics, they’re what you get with your wings when you arrive in Heaven, and they also stay sharp to the bottom of the glass. There’s nothing like handling something that’s so well-strung, even if there is a risk of catching Harpies (the rash that some harpists can get from all that plucking). I am playing one today because I want to herald Furlough

Furlough Fashion – Message in a Gottle #359 16 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #359 – Message in a Gottle. Every year on Boxing Day Kate and I have to produce a little ‘turn’ to entertain ourselves or whoever we maybe Christmassing with. Over the years I have tried fire eating (matchsticks really give you indigestion), Beet-Boxing (I hold the Guinness World Records for putting beetroot in boxes) and speed eating (turns out I can handle a lot of wieners in a short space of time). But this year I am having another attempt at ventriclicalism having tried to m

Furlough Fashion – Tout Le Monde Blonde #358 15 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #358 – Tout Le Monde Blonde. Last night Kate and I were planning to go out for a fish supper and a few brown ales down the local Royal French Foreign Legionella Club as we feared the coming of Lockdown IV – Beyond the Thunderdome. We opted to surprise ourselves and retired to our respective east wing, west wing boudoirs to plan our looks and arranged a big reveal at the top of the double staircase that bifurcates the two wings. Imagine our surprise when we met up and we had both

Furlough Fashion – As Teen on CV #357 14 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – As Teen on CV. In the 90s I was cast in some British films that were supposed to emulate the success of American teen dramas like ‘Pretty in Pink’ or ‘The Breakfast Club’. Unfortunately, Britain wasn’t as good at the glamour so I was cast in straight to landfill titles like ‘Ferret Schoolers Day Off’, about a ferret trainers taking a sick day from work, ‘Beverley Hills, HU17 0DG’, where I play a ‘rough kid’ kid from Molescroft who wins a scholarship to the posh high school, ‘T

Furlough Fashion - As You Flipping Like It #356 13 December 2021

Furlough Fashion #356 –As You Flipping Like It. When I was at school I tried skateboarding but fell off so many times people thought I was a Buster Keaton tribute act. I was much better at English and art so spent most of my time painting authors, but wished I could Ollie, Kickflip or Switch. But I have discovered a new craze sweeping across the Southeast of South East London’s West side: Skatebarding. It’s Skateboarding while quoting Shakespeare and for some reason 'giving of the Bard' has impr

Furlough Fashion – Quiffriday #355 10 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Quiffriday. No one is quite sure where the word ‘quiff’ comes from. It could be a bastardisation of the French word ‘coiffe’ which has come to mean hairstyle, but was the chain mail knights wore under their helmets or it could come from the Dutch word ‘kuif’ which means ‘crest’ (the Dutch name for Tintin is Kuifje). But wherever it hails from this huge keratin erection is a firm favourite in my life. I love to get my hands covered in product, tease out a stiff peak then push i

Furlough Fashion – Secret Chambers #354 09 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Secret Chambers. It’s rumoured that when JK Rowling was first writing Harry Potter that it was going to be a literary re-working of the 1956 sci-fi film ‘Forbidden Planet’ (itself a loose adaptation of ‘The Tempest’). Harry would have been Harriet Lovelace, a science-driven teen raised alone on Albus IV by her scientist Father Babbage Lovelace, with only Dobbie the Robot to take care of her. Eventually a spaceship from the Interplanetary Alliance of Planetary Alliances (eerily

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Whacked Out Wednesday #353 08 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Whacked Out Wednesday. I have always wanted to learn the violin and had lessons when I was at school but struggled with all the little dots that I had to remember. The teacher was always fussing over my crotchets until he had to leave school because the Police needed come help with their enquiries. He must have become a Policeman because we never saw him again. I stopped playing and grew up knowing that Staves are singing sisters from St. Albans, Quavers are snacks and

Furlough Fashion – Wash N’ Go #352 07 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wash N’ Go. Damn, overslept so there was barely enough time to wash and grab my bits before heading out the door. I had just enough time to pull on the trousers I bought from ‘One More Unto to the Breeches’, a t-shirt from ‘Please Tees Me’, which I’ll throw on as I run to the station, and my American Football pencil case (I also have Rugby, Cricket, football pencil cases as I find it amusing to hold office supplies in my balls). So, must dash or won’t make the 7.30 Omnibus tha

FF SR 351 06 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Where the Magic Happens. Having released an EP I thought you might like to see where the musical magic happens. If you go down to the basement of Queenswood Mansions you will find the guitar warehouse where I keep such treasures as my range of prototype Fenders such as the Smellercaster, which emits random smells while you play (the g-string gives off quite a pungent aroma as does Bb# Augmented 3rd Sus 6), and the Shatocaster which has a brown body, neck, pickups, machine head

Furlough Fashion – Going Down Well #350 04 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Going Down Well. As the phrase goes ‘Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends’, well all I can say is champagne all round; well Lambrini Reservé from the vaults of my local Baldi (the supermarket for men with thinning hair). You can see me pictured here just about to pop my cork (which I don’t do for every man I see). I have a lace scarferchief from scarf and watch seller ‘In The Neck of Time’ and it’s obvious that I have also had my hands on Kate’s scrunch

Furlough Fashion – Prance Yourself Dizzy #349 02 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Prance Yourself Dizzy. As the days get colder it’s important to keep your blood pumping and what better way to do it than with a workout. Over the years there have been quite a few fads for keeping fit. Who can forget ‘Hot Yogi’, where put on a bear costume and dance around, ‘Dinner Jazzercise’, which was too mellow for some people and Christians were not fans of ‘Pontius Pilates’. I have tried medicine balls but I found that Night Nurse really stings, I’m resistant to resista

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Board Games Wednesday #348 01 December 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Board Games Wednesday. As Christmas fast approaches we are once again assaulted by adverts for supermarkets and fragrances like ‘Eau Sausage’, ‘Crackers’ by Mark Jacobs, Jimmy Choo’s flu-season fragrance ‘Achoo!’, the collab fragrance ‘Ford Diesel’ and the new trend for scents for certain body parts such as ‘Dior Ear’.

But for too many years families have been suffering at the hands of board games with tables being turned over in anger, kids being taken to A&E with p

Furlough Fashion – The Storm Before the Calm #346 29 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – The Storm Before the Calm. The gig was a huge success, despite the best efforts of Storm Arwen, and I can honestly say that I haven’t been blown like that for quite a while. Road signs all over Liverpool were copying the revellers in the town centre by lying face down in the street. There was a great response to our show and we matched the orchestral pop and psych-chamber-pop-madrigalia with an equally stunning live show that featured Fire Tweeters (live tweeting pictures of f

Furlough Fashion – Tea-usday #347 30 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Tea-usday. After the rigours of the rock star life it was nice to get back to a less hedonistic routine and rather than dining on green room S&Ms (they are the all-black M&Ms) washed down with Shambrusco (a knock-off Lambrusco that tastes like paint thinner and lemon Panda Pops), I return to the more civilised act of drinking tea, or brown nectar of the gods as Greek Philosopher Steepus of Tetles called it. Kate often finds me with my pinkie extended lapping away at Lady Grey,

Furlough Fashion- Red Hot #345 26 November 2021

Furlough Fashion- Red Hot. It's only one day until the band take to the stage and so I have been getting my stage outfit ready. As the band is called Skylon I had designed a tribute to our namesake with an outfit that was 300ft high and illuminated from within but as the ceiling on the venue is only about 20ft high I had to give up on this idea. So I decided to go for some old school glamour with an outfit from exclusive Bond Street store 'Tongue In Chic' and their 'No Sooner Red Than Nun' range

Furlough Fashion – Wickens 7-inch Wednesday #343 24 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wickens 7-inch Wednesday. All those years ago when we moved into Queenswood Mansions together lots of things get duplicated and you have to keep or cut lots of things. For example, we were never going to need two copies of the book ‘How to Meet Someone Awesome and Move In With Them’ because we had already done that, but two solid marble baths with gold celestial taps (Cherubim for hot and Seraphim for cold, obviously) were always going to be useful.

I was resolute about not

Furlough Fashion – My Red Maracas #342 23 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – My Red Maracas. With a gig looming this weekend I have been trying to get match fit, especially on percussion where I have become a little rusty. I’ve often said Kate is better on my bongos than I am and think of the frenzied berserker she becomes on cowbell when donning her Wickotron persona. As you can imagine from the size of my dressing up box, my wrists are pretty strong but to get them ready for the weekend maracas are the perfect instrument, as you get to practice grip,

Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Prick Monday #341 22 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Prick Monday. Well, I’ve collected the set: 2 x Astro-Senna-pod and one Pfizzier booster (or two space laxatives and a soda stream as the person injecting me said that no one ever referred to them as). The drop-in centre was trialling a new injection method where they go through the nostril and up to the forehead and I was to expect a small prick in my hair, but they didn’t find “not for the first time” funny.

They did warn me there would be some side effects

Furlough Fashion-Gone to Farrah? #340 19 November 2021

Furlough Fashion-Gone to Farrah? The 1970s were grey and gloomy in the UK but for someone like me who was a TV child it was a decade where all the colour came from American TV programmes. The Six Million Dollar Man, Battlestar Galactica, Wonder Woman, Charlie’s Angels and of course acres of cartoons like Scooby Doo, Tomfoolery and Speed Buggy. Stars were big and so was their hair. None more so than Farrah Fawcett whose hair had more volume than a Motörhead concert. She was an Angel, married Stev

Furlough Fashion – Potions 11 #339 18 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Potions 11. This is the sad tale of Dr. Dorothy Freckle (dotty to her friends) who hated her freckles so much that she got a master’s degree from Laboratoires Garnier in Chemistry, Potions and Lotions and tried to cure herself of her perceived affliction. Late at night she would sneak into the chemistry lab and mix up batches of liquids she hoped would be the perfect de-freckler. There were 11 batches in all, ranging in effect: one batch used tree sap and turned her into Mr. H

FF SR 338 17 November 2021

Furlough Fashion-Wickens En Point Wednesday. Most people don’t know that Kate is an avid ballet fan, well versed in the five basic positions, as well as knowing the Pas de Basque, Pas de Bourrée and Pas de Basque (she finds the corsetry too restrictive for dance). You should also see her grand battement, Cabriolé (which she does with her top down) and Vaganova method*. She idolises all the stars such Rudolph Nurofen (whose muscles never ached, hence the name of the drug), Mikhail Kalashnikov, an

Furlough Fashion – Wicks Tuesday #337 16 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Wicks Tuesday. I have been contacted by the Candle Marketing Board (they used to be the Candle Union of National something or other but there were complaints) as they think that the recent rise in energy prices might lead to a greater demand in their product. They thought that giving candles a fashion makeover would help send sales rocketing. So, I thought of the 1800s, the golden age of candles when a Manchester pewterer patented a machine that revolutionised candle making by

Furlough Fashion-All fall down #336 15 November 2021

Furlough Fashion-All fall down. I was getting Kate to photograph me while I practiced my fashion moves: the tippy-tappy walk, the slow-turn-with-head-looking-back-over-the-shoulder-smouldering eyes, the stop-and-drop-the-jacket-reveal-the-bustier, the don’t-care-that-you-can-see-my-nipples-thru-this-top and many others and then I took a nasty tumble, something only made worse by the laugh from Kate as she shouted “Got it! What’s that move called ‘Leg’s Akimbo’”. Once I got over my embarrassment

Furlough Fashion-That Was the Squeak That Was #335 12 November 2021

Furlough Fashion-That Was the Squeak That Was. It’s all go at Queenswood Mansions as the first Friday of every second to last week in any Month with a waxing gibbous Moon means that we put on the Rubber-Dub-Dub Club. There’s something delicious about the combination tight fitting clothes getting vibrated by the kind of sub-sub-sub-sub bass that reorganises your internal organs so up goes the latex wallpaper in the basement grotto and out comes the BIG speakers ready for the Wick-U Sound System t

Furlough Fashion – Chew Chew #334 11 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – Chew Chew. Last night in the main ballroom at Queenswood Mansions we held the 2021 ‘Chewing Gum Awards’ with the tagline: ‘If you’re looking for bubbles, then you’ve come to the right place’. We celebrated the origins of gum as far back as Neolithic times when we chewed birch bark tar and honored accountant Water Diemer’s who’s recipe for Blibber Blubber in 1928 gave rise to Bubblegum as it was less sticky that regular gum and stretched more easily.

All the usual suspects wer

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #333 10 November 2021

Wickens Wednesday. Kate felt I need to do more than just cover my plums in honey and do a few squats in the morning so today she started me on her new keep fit regime ‘Wickercise’. She shook me firmly at 5am to get me up, and then we headed to the Queenswood Mansions workout room to get started (I call it Gym Henson as we look like right Muppets when we exercise).

‘Wickercise’ is based on the core skills prevalent in Gymnastics: balance, strength, flexibility, agility, coordination, endurance a

Furlough Fashion - Morning Glory #332 09 November 2021

Furlough Fashion - Morning Glory. A morning routine is so important, especially as I am now off to work every day. It’s good to have regular movements so I do a lot of stretches and squats an, as breakfast is the most important meal of day, I make sure it’s balanced and healthy. I like to have honey on my plums to start and then dunk my crusty baguette into a steaming bowl of coffee; wakes me right up.

Kate snapped this picture of me at the breakfast bar with another morning favourite: my own t

Furlough Fashion-Oh Happy Day #331 08 November 2021

Furlough Fashion-Oh Happy Day. Well, what a weekend that was! The complete Happy Days DVD boxed set finally arrived so I immersed myself in the lives of Richie, Joanie, Howard and Marion, Potsie, Ralph and, of course, the one and only Fonz. The way he snaps his fingers and women just appear next to him is something that my 16 years old said was also able to do but sadly in reverse. Due to my hair being as orange as a pink bin on fire I called Ralph Malph a lot when I was at school but having wat

Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #5 #330 05 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #5
Finally dress down Friday and I can show the people in the office my two loves: being fashionistary and my love of Canadian sci-fi series ‘Spacepants Patrol’. You may remember my admiration for Spaff Manitoba who played the Chief Head of Security and commander of the battle cruiser Star Beaver but today I am going to work as the Mercenary, space-scoundrel, weapons expert and rakish ne’er-do-well Tush Perkyson. Who can forget her battle cry of “Yo

Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #4 #329 04 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #4
Yesterday at work I took possession of my new executive office chair, the Flexichromaloid Gluteus-Maxilator Z1000 Ghia, made by Fondo Entumecido. It’s made from the same materials as F1 cars such as aramids, Zylon, highly oriented polyethylene filaments, thermoplastic toughened epoxies, and kitten tears. It comes with 22 phone book sized manuals and I have just worked out how to sit on it but apparently there are controls to adjust pitch, yaw, al

Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday #328 01 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – What A Wickens Wednesday To Make A Living #3
No, it’s not down to an explosion in a Bisto factory, but Kate has been keen to combat Seasonal Affected Disorder with a number of things to make Autumn/Winter feel less like they have their hooks in us. She sourced a money off voucher from Gertcher (set up by remaining Chas & Dave member Dave Peacock) and after work yesterday we headed off to redeem it at the East End’s ‘Stand By Your Tan’ (we had also looked at ‘TiTANic’, ‘Tan 9 F

Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #2 #327 02 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #2
The new job seems to be going well and there was much admiration for my stripey outfit, although a few people did confuse me for blinds and tried to open or close during the day. I’ve made it a red sweater day with this top from online wool vendors ‘I got 99 Problems But The Stitch Ain’t One’.

I was also reminded of the lyrics for ‘This Darning Man’ which was written about the wool trade in Manchester during the black and white times: “A jumper

Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #1 #326 01 November 2021

Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #1. Well, today is the day I had to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition. Yes, the life of a stay-at-home fashionista, musician, writer and full time dreamer had to end at some point, and I am now heading off for my first (temp) job since being made redundant in May. However, this doesn’t mean that fashion standards should slip so I have chosen a look that should set the tone. I've matched my level of professi

FF SR 325 29 October 2021

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.5. A Gottle of Fear. If you were to make a list of the scariest things ever to cause goosebumps, vertical hair or loss of bladder control then the top ten would include Clowns, Anne Widdecombe and Ventriloquist Dolls. Derived from venter (belly) and loqui (speak) Ventriloquimeism can be okay but when it’s one of those creepy little wooden buggers that look like a voodoo doll of Jimmy Carr then chills abound.

So today I am continuing my obsession with

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.4 #324 28 October 2021

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.4. I’m trying out costumes and have always loved the James Whale Universal horror films including ‘The Bride of Frankenstein’ (although I guess it should technically be called ‘The Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster’ or ‘Monster Snuggles’ or ‘I Love You To Bits’ or ‘Something Volt, Something Screwed, Some Things Borrowed, Say I Do’). I have always been taken with Elsa Lancaster’s portrayal of the Bride so have decided to go with it as my trick or treat co

Furlough Fashion-Halloween Week-Vickens Vednesday #323 27 October 2021

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.3. Vickens Vednesday. I have been thinking about the career of the Chuckle Brothers since Barry sadly died in 2018. I had an idea for remaining brother Paul in which he would pair up with a Chuckle sister for more slapstick fun but this time in some genre-based comedy. Given the time of year and the success of films like ‘Vampires Suck’, ‘Fangs Giving’ and the sexy-horror ‘What A Prick’, I have been working on the comedy-horror trilogy of ‘Chuckula’ (t

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.2 #322 26 October 2021

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.2. One of the lesser-known horror films of the season is ‘Hallowiener’ a 1950s B-Movie about a German sausage and Pumpkin seller called Frank Furter who is wrongly accused of an unspeakable crime and killed by the local rural farmers and put up in as field as a warning to others. He was actually innocent so comes back from the dead as the Pump King who bludgeons his victims with his enormous sausage whilst uttering his catchphrase: “This is a fate wurs

Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.1. #321 25 October 2021

Furlough Fashion – Hallowe’en Fashion Week - No.1. Despite our stiff upper lips, the fact that it’s an American import, the English seem to have embraced Hallowe’en as another day to set of fireworks and dress their kids up as Pinhead from Hellraiser, Freddy Kruger or Casper the Irritating Ghost. Like most people my age I only knew it from Peanuts cartoons and was fascinated by enormous orange root vegetables, ironically one of my nicknames at school. Those of you that know me well know that I o

Furlough Fashion - Friday Tipple #320 22 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Friday Tipple. I might always be on trend but that can sometimes mean being a little off the cuff or, in this case, off the shoulder. I like to describe myself as rakish and the personal statement on my fashion CV says I am a louche canon, foot louche and fancy free and definitely have a screw louche (I think I had just found the word louche in the dictionary when I wrote it). And Fridays are loucher that every other day as we can all look forward to a tipple at the end of the

Furlough Fashion - The Final Waterproof Curtain #319 21 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - The Final Waterproof Curtain. As the days get wetter and the nights get longer fashion becomes more important than ever. It keeps us dry, warm and stylish, and there is a must have item for this winter season, one you will be finding all over your catalogues and online stores like ASOS, boohoo and TinyPrettyBotoxedYoungThing. You probably touch it every morning, rub right up against it and don't even think twice. That's right, it's a shower curtain. I've been following the tra

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Opera Wednesday #318 20 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Opera Wednesday. Over lockdown I was encouraged by Kate to listen to more opera and this, combined with my love of pizza, has led us to amuse ourselves putting on occasional hour-long lunchtime shows. Kate is remarkable at Tosca, you should see how she handles The Magic Flute and you can't beat the feeling of her arias. I like to do my own versions of the classics such as 'Der Rosenkavalier, about a man's love for his red Vauxhall Cavalier, 'Eugene Onegin Line', about

Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Spirits #317 19 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Spirits. What happens when ghosts die? It's a question that all viewers of Channel 5 shows like 'Ghosts: What a Bunch of Hunters', 'Spooky Knockings' and 'Ghost Boasters' ask. I figure that if there are commissioning editors out there foolhardy enough to throw money at these show and I need the work then why not make my own show. So I am working on 'Ghost Ghosts' in which I, Fran Tasm, go searching for spooks, spectres and spirits with my para-abnormal co-presenters Wr

Furlough Fashion - Monday Come Down #316 18 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Monday Come Down. Well, I am just plum tuckered out as New England people in the 1830s were wont to say. All of the efforts to please Kate on her Birthday have left me dog tired, shattered, fagged out, sapped, spent, dead beat, whacked and not too mention pooped (I did apologise to Kate for the last one but it happens sometimes when I get excited).

So, today is going to be all about curling up on the sofa with a steaming mug of tea and feeling all snugly in my cerise houseco

Furlough Fashion - Grammar we love you #315 14 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Grammar we love you. As I dressed this morning in preparation for day 4 of Kate's Birthday week (she'll be anticipating a sponge finger with her morning cup of tea) I decided to pair my azure top from 'Knit's A Wonderful Life' with a matching bow to set off my cascading locks. And then I started thinking of all the odd spellings or pronunciations of words that have developed over the years.

For example, you can row a boat or have a row with someone, you can put a bow in your

FF SR 314 13 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wash Wickens Wednesday. In the week leading up to Kate's birthday a lot of things change in Queenswood Mansions. The bunting comes down from the loft above the North Wing, the catering staff start buying in the vast quantities of baking materials for her 14 tiered Birthday cake, the finest Bresse chicken and freshest peas are ordered for her birthday tea and a tanker of Stones Ginger Wine is dispatched from the factory ready to slake Kate's Birthday thirst. Part of the Birthda

FF SR 313 12 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Chin Chuff Tuesday. As well as fashion, one or two of you might know that I occasionally dabble in music and can be found getting my Melodica out on the Underground or surprising passers-by in Covent Garden with my Russian Bassoon. But you might not know that I present a music show called 'Mūzika Piepilda Mūsu Dvēseli' on Latvian cable television under the name Lee Van Clef. There's discussion about all aspects of music and we've had guest appearances from K-Pop sensations Tee

Furlough Fashion - Licenced to Twill #312 11 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Licenced to Twill. Having finally seen the new Bond film (don't worry, no spoilers) I appreciate that while Bond is dapper in his suits and casuals, it's really the Bond Women who wear the most fashionistically fashionable outfits. Who can forget Ursula Andress's bikini, or Luciana Paluzzi's bikini, or Martine Beswick's bikini, or Britt Ekland's bikini, or Halle Berry's bikini, or Jill St. John's bikini, or Diana Rigg's bikini, or Caroline Munroe's bikini, or Sophie Marceau's

If It Ain't Quiff, It Ain't Worth a Frock #311 08 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - If It Ain't Quiff, It Ain't Worth A Frock. To paraphrase the song...'quiff a picture paints a thousand words...' and as you can see here I have made today's style choice all about the erect coiffure. I was inspired by Aldous Huxley's less popular short story 'The Pompadours of Perception' in which he takes mescaline and visits the barber to get this outrageous hairdo. So, this morning, I dropped a couple of Junior Aspirins and washed them down with a double espresso and once t

Furlough Fashion - Close to the 'bone #310 07 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Close to the 'bone. In a bid to expand my musical repertoire I have been learning the trombone, mainly because I learned that it can do more than make life funnier using the classic "waap-waap-waaa" sound. Apparently it is used in reggae, ska and even orchestras with pieces written by composers like Stockhausen, Cage, Globokar, and Miff Mole and His Little Molers. Even outside music it has a valuable place in society and you can donate trombone marrow to other players, have Tr

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wordsmith Wednesday #309 06 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wordsmith Wednesday. Every few months during lockdown Kate and I have been taking part in Middle-Class Rap Battles organised on Zoom by 'Spin & Tonic' magazine. We have been doing this for over a year now (not sure why I haven't mentioned it before) under the name 'The Beastley Noise' and, while I handle the 12 inches as DJ Happy Spinnish, Kate is like a rap M134 Minigun* as MC Pic'n'Wix, with the ferocity of her rhymes quite often bringing the opposition to tears at w

Furlough Fashion - Totally Wired #308 05 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Totally Wired. Well that was a tense night! There I was happily planning today's outfit, and the social media campaign that would reach my ones of fans, when the lights dimmed, social media crashed, and the bottom fell out of my world. I leapt up and headed straight to the Queenswood Mansions You've Got A Nerve Centre to find the source of the problem. I checked the first database and then the second (which is why it's known as the SQL), realigned the Franginal Poles and Turi

Furlough Fashion - For Coffee #307 04 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - For Coffee! What finer solution can there be to the weak start to the week, the Monday Malaise, than a steaming cup of coffee. Some call it Java, a Cup of Joe, a Demitasse, Wake Up Juice, The Brown Clown, a Roasted Rocket Ride to Happy Town or Umber Wumba and whether you like to decoct, plunge, go instant or tease out your grounds into a Mocha-Choca-Frappespresso-Cortadoccino then it can defibrillate your day.

It is said that coffee was first discovered centuries ago by Kaldi

Furlough Fashion - Winter's Coming #305 01 October 2021

Furlough Fashion - Winter's Coming. With the weather getting more angry and the sky getting greyer than John Major's Spitting Image puppet, it's a good time to take stock of your autumn and winter wardrobe. I keep a special 'Wet & Cold' section of the walk-in warehouse at Queenswood Mansions (it's in the next unit to 'Hot & Wet' and underneath 'Moist & Steamy'). Every year I wake up my wellies and waterproofs, plump up my Parka, creosote my cagoule and fluff up my fleeces.

You can see me here

FF SR 304 30 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Let's Wist Again. Much as I enjoy writing and performing music under the extremely pretentious name of paulfcook I have decided to release an album under the name Brenda Jaguar. It's going to be a collection of pensive guitar poems called 'The Wistful Guitar'. There are so many guitarists who pride themselves on being able to play thousands of notes per second: Steve Viaduct, Al Di Viola, Eddie Van Inhaler and Albertly (I'm doing these from memory), but I don't want to compete

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Hairy Wednesday #303 29 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Hairy Wednesday. There are so many jukebox musicals around at the moment Kate and I thought we would jump on the bandwagon and write one ourselves. We both love a dystopian sci-fi film and settled on 'Planet of the Vapes' a contemporary take on the 1968 film. In ours, simian-DNA has been added to Vape liquid ultimately leading to people turning into apes and taking over the world, with humans becoming dumb slaves to their Ape overlords. All except for fierce time trave

Furlough Fashion-Pull the wool over my eyes #302 28 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - You can pull the wool over my eyes. After the excesses of yesterday's birthday celebrations I am pooped, and that is quite a messy start to the day I can tell you. But I have fond memories of the boulevard party thrown by my neighbours (the road Queenswood Mansions sits on is too wide to be called a mere street). There was a performance from Faux Dolce (the best Joe Dolce* tribute act I've ever seen) a firework display and aerial acrobatics from my favourite Rastafarian displa

Furlough Fashion - Back in Saddle #301 27 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back in Saddle. Last night I could barely sleep with the giddy excitement of today's Birthday but when my bear, Tedward Snufflekins III, and I finally drifted off last night we could not imagine what an amazing present from Kate awaited us today. After years of wishing, searching and hoping my dream has finally come true and I went from giddy to giddy-up as I am now the proud owner of 'Milk Thunder' a vintage 1950s bouncy-horse. He is in mint condition with all his original ac

Furlough Fashion - FF#299 20 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - FF299. On the eve of Furlough Fashion 300 the song is near completion and I thought I would share a picture Kate took of me relaxing after a marathon Melodica and Omnichord session. I always wear this leather jacket when recording and mixing as it it was once owned by legendary engineer and producer Glyn Glyns, known as 'Knob Jockey' for his ability to 'ride the mixing desk' like Lester Piggott. He later had to jettison the nickname as it came to mean something different.

The

Furlough Fashion - Down the Sound Hole #298 10 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Down the Sound Hole. This will be the last post for just over a week as I need to spend time in Gingersound (or Flabby Road, as Kate calls it), the recording studio housed in the sub-sub-basement of Queenswood Mansions preparing for the 300th post which will feature the third cover version done in the Furlough Fashion name. I need to deep clean the desk to ensure my knobs twiddle easily, as well as I polish my Aston (that's a mic) and make sure my stand is oiled enough to go u

Furlough Fashion - Catalogica Furlotannica #297 09 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Catalogica Furlotannica. In the nearly 300 posts you will appreciate that my knowledge of shops, online and high street, is extensive. If you are looking for anything from a LBD, the perfect coat, scarf, tiara, footwear or under garments that would make a statue blush, then I will know where to go. From off the peg to bespoke, vintage scruff to couture muffs, my fashion antennae are constantly on alert for the best place to shop.

I realised it was time to share my knowledge

FF SR 296 08 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Sci-fi Wednesday. It's a little known fact that at the height of the 1970s comedy series women did not fair so well, often being the literal butt of a joke. But there was one comedy sci-fi series (a spin-off of 'Spacepants Patrol') where the balance was redressed, and a strong woman took the lead over the Buck, Flash or Kirk. It was called 'Wanda Lust - Space Mercenary Rebel'. Wanda had tested well with audiences and so producer Sharon Spelling persuaded the heads of t

Furlough Fashion - beside the PVC side #295 07 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - I do like to be beside the PVC side. Somedays diaphanous silks and chunky knits are just too prone to float or flap about and you need something that hugs the skin like, well, a second skin. As you will have seen from March and November 2020, or May this year, some days only PVC or Latex will do. That joy from the smell of the rubber (but hopefully not the pencil), the cloudular-sploof of the talcum powder that helps guide it into place, and the satisfying squeaks and crinkles

Furlough Fashion - Mesmerising Monday #294 06 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Mesmerising Monday. I was looking at Friday's moustache from 'Knit's A Wonderful Life' in the bathroom mirror and then suddenly found myself clucking clucking like a chicken whilst eating an onion and I also knew for certain that Mr Royston from the house on the corner was expecting a call from his proctologist to give him the all clear and say that it was the Lego Darth Vader they found that was causing him problems. And then it hit me, I had become a hypnotist and mind reade

Furlough Fashion - What happened to Monday, Tuesday? #178 09 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - What happened to Monday, Tuesday? Sorry for missing a Monday but I think I picked up a bug from washing the cars in our collection on Sunday (pictured). Even thought I can't drive I do appreciate the sleek lines of a well designed automobile and we have quite a few in our collection: We have the Jaguar E-Type (which can do 140 words per minute), a Cadillac Dildorado, two Dodge Chargers (one for Android and one for Apple devices), a Humvee (which never seems to know the words)

FF SR 194 01 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - April Fool's Day. As you know I take my fashion seriously so don't really like to joke around in these posts. However, in light of the fact that it's prima aprilis (Poland), aprilskämt (Sweden), Huntigowk Day (Scotland), Tory Cabinet (England) I though I would post a rare picture of me fooling around. Playing against type I am continuing a long tradition of The fool in folklore, literature & music. Whether it's deliberate like the Jester, inadvertent like Malvolio or tasty lik

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Kino Wednesday #194 31 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Kino Wednesday. We've decided that Wednesday's are going to be given over the old school Hollywood glamour and because I love a good opening we staged a gala event at the Queenswood Mansions cinema which we've named Cinema Paradisaronno after our favourite tipple. Kate does like a good Drive-In but we opted in the end for something more plush so Kate can sink into a lazy-boy and enjoy a footlong from my concession stand. We dressed up for the occasion; Kate went full R

Furlough Fashion - 12" Tuesday #193 30 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - 12" Tuesday. One of the great delights of working from home is being able to get out your 12 inches to give them a spin. To that end I have set up a record nook in the soundproofed garret of the rarely used North Wing of Queenswood Mansions. There I can pump up the volume, kick out the jams and spin my platters until the carpet's in tatters. I've got a vintage gramophone that's really easy to wind up, all you have to do is shout "you're redundant technology and your speakers a

Furlough Fashion - Chillin' & Drillin' #192 29 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Chillin' & Drillin'. When spring has sprung a young man's thoughts turn to drilling. From the basic rotary tools of 35,000 BC right up to the electric drill invented in Australia in 1889 and the cordless Bosch of modern times (from which we get the phrases 'Bish-Bash-Bosch' and 'Splish Splosh I was Stroking my Bosch'). So, this weekend I headed out to the Queenswood Workshop to dust off the 'Hammer Time 3000' which has so much technology on board that I call it Drill Gates. It

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #191 26 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. The final magazine I found at the weekend was from one of the last shoots I did for 'FANTASY' which I thought was going to be related to playing Dungeons & Dragons but thankfully it was less embarrassing and was a monthly about Dominatrices and all related areas. I wasn't very familiar with the culture but it was a cracking read and there must be a lot of ex-Sailors who take it up because they sure do know a lot about knots. I didn't mind the clothes so much and

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #190 25 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. After being dropped by the Prêt à Jurer when I misunderstood what the photographer meant by mixed-flash, my modelling career hit a bit of a slow patch until I was picked up by 'Photo Chaps' who hired models out for top shelf magazines (which I think is agency for lingo for 'top class'). I did lots of shoots for titles such as '12 Inch Collector' (which the agency said was one of the most popular titles amongst male vinyl enthusiasts), 'Come Ashore' (for seamen o

Furlough Fashion - Magazine Week, Wickens Wednesday #189 24 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Magazine Week, Wickens Wednesday. Back in the early days of our relationship when I was still modelling from time to time my modelling agency - Prêt à Jurer - got me a gig on a knitwear shoot but they needed someone I had chemistry with to really sell the clothes and Kate was the obvious choice as she is someone who has had a lot of experience with knits.

The patterns were for a company called 'Knit Happens' and their new range: 'The 7 Year Stitch' which were designed to help

Furlough Fashion - Spring my Bell #187 22 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Spring my Bell. It's the time of year when our minds turn to things like frolicking and gambolling, getting our beach bodies ready (although this is likely to be builders sand and a paddling pool in the back garden again) and we all have to remember to go round the house vigorously adjusting our clocks this coming Sunday. But there is more to Spring than fumbling with your clocks; here are some facts:

• The vernal equinox represents the beginning of spring in the northern hem

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #188 23 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. Many stones (or Kgs) ago I had a short-lived career modelling for magazines. I had forgotten all about it but at the weekend I discovered a stack of them and thought I would share some with you. Today was a cover from my 'Young Physique' shoot. I was ferried, all expenses paid, to the Isle of Wight where we stayed in the swankiest Travelodge and drank only the finest Lambrini as befits the status I held back then. My nickname was Chelsea because everyone wanted

Flouncy-Bouncy-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun Friday #186 19 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Flouncy-Bouncy-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun Friday (AKA Fuck it Friday). Today I woke with a sense of jois de vivre combined with some je ne se quois plus a hint of WTF, holy-moly-roly-poly and wham-bam-thank you-ma'am. I'm feeling wide-panted with the excitement of a day off work and so will be spending it walking about swinging my hips in a very Vauxhall Cavalier manner and pointing at things with a wry smile on my face and a knowing nod. I'll also be using a lot of phrases like 'Uh-

Furlough Fashion - Glitter Balls Thursday #185 18 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Glitter Balls Thursday. As we all know, Tuesday used to be the new Sunday, Saturday was the new Monday, Friday is the new black but, and you heard it here first, Thursday is the new Disco. So Disco Thursday is now the new Folk Dance Friday and I have been saving a special outfit for the occasion - it's called Romancing the Rhinestone and it's a bespoke costume from two specialists in the field 'Bling my Bell' in Bellingham and 'Frock the Boat' in Frome.

So I'll be out on the

FF SR 184 17 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Telephonic Wednesday. During lockdown we've been starved of seeing our loved ones and the phone has become an important way to stay in contact. But we're making so many calls that holding your phone for prolonged periods leads to what Google Doctors call EE: 'Exhausted Elbow' and this caused Kate to exclaim 'Oh, to have another way to use the phone so you don't knockya elbow!'. She was determined to solve this problem so enrolled in an Open University course on Applica

4D Tuesday #183 16 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - 4D Tuesday. I love Double Denim! There, I've said it, Double D gets me very excited indeed, that gentle indigo wash caressing the warp and weft of this rugged cloth. I think it's time to reclaim the Texan Tuxedo from the weekend cowboys and girls. I want to double down on double denim (4D) so picked out a couple of items from the East Wing wardrobe but I can't remember whether they came from 'Where There's a Twill There's a Way', 'I Twill Survive', 'Selvedges' or 'Greenwich Je

Furlough Fashion - Lovely Giza Monday #182 15 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Lovely Giza Monday. I watched a lot of documentaries about ancient Egypt yesterday (well, it was Mummy's Day) and so wanted to start this week walking like an Egyptian and uttering their solemn cry 'Whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh'. It was such a rich culture and they are still well known for their huge erections, ploughing, High-Low-glyphics (so named as they were all over the walls) and broken pottery.

There are things that we practice now that have their roots back to thos

Furlough Fashion - Satorial Saturday Bonus #181 13 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Satorial Saturday Bonus. Now the effects of the vaccination are nearly worn off, and I have peeled myself off the sofa, I wanted to spend the weekend being ultra-glam. Nothing says louche and lasciviousness more than the skin tight, wet-look PVC drainpipes (well, I say wet 'look') which I got online from US brand 'Adam & The Pants' and a sequined, padded shoulder cavalry jacket from Bromley's 'Beady SM' (the label on the inside says it's a 'Sequin Martin Production').

So I wi

Furlough Fashion - Vaccination Day! #180 11 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Vaccination Day! I am pleased to say that I'm getting a little prick today so thought I would dress up accordingly. Normally the only think I have that is crisp has Walkers on the front, but today I have indulged in a different kind of starch to get my outfit looking just so. I should say that this isn't my first lab coat but the dog wanted the first one back when winter came.

So, today I want to celebrate the wonderful people who follow in the footsteps of amazing people lik

Furlough Fashion - Wicked Wickens Wednesday #179 10 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wicked Wickens Wednesday. As well as Cosplaying the good guys in things like 'Spacepants Patrol' and 'Wormhole Wars' it's also great to play the villain at times. We are fast approaching South East London's premier convention CatCon held at the main hall in a prestigious Catford facility that the Scouts are not currently using. This socially distanced celebration of all things comic book related has a Cosplay Parade and this year Kate wanted to go as Catwoman so had me dress u

Furlough Fashion - Friday, in the Key of F #177 05 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Friday, in the Key of F. Before lockdown we used to sit around the Old Joanna and belt out some tunes, but she's shielding so we have to use the piano instead. Tonight Kate will plonk herself down next to the upright and we'll sing of impossible dreams, men washed out of hair, of meeting a girl called Maria, or Mathilda, (we couldn't really hear her through the N95 mask) and some enchanted evening with a big spender. We'll put the O in Oklahoma not MG, avoid cats at all costs,

Furlough Fashion - Spumante Thursday #176 04 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Spumante Thursday. Following on from the photoshoot for 'Sir Charles of Bastardford Manor' yesterday Kate and I had a celebratory party à deux in the 70s suite of Queenswood Mansions. As a thank you for her help I let her stretch out on the chaise while I popped my Jeroboam so she could guzzle down a couple of litres. We quaffed hard on Tia Maria and drank until the early hours when everything was spent, including my Blue Bols.

My sexy waiters outfit is from 'Fop Shop' who w

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #175, 3 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. I have been working on my own melodrama called 'Sir Charles of Bastardford Manor', the dark tale of Sir Charles Bastard. Never knowing his Father, Charles Truebladder takes the name Bastard as a snoot-cocking gesture to the bullies and detractors he has fought against his entire life. He leaves his Mother, Gwendelbeth Truebladder, and travels to London where he manages to accrue a fortune in the tanning industry (made popular by the newspaper serial 'Amorous

Furlough Fashion - Yee-Haw Tuesday #174 2 Mar 2021

Furlough Fashion - Yee-Haw Tuesday. I recently rediscovered my Pink Pardner look back in November and this made me long to pop my head back into a ten gallon and strap on a Colt. So after a few Google searches on "how to get back into chaps", which didn't go how I expected, my achy breaky heart alighted on 'Billy Ray's Bar Room Ballroom' who run On-Line Dancing via Zoom on Tuesday nights.

So I ordered a new outfit from Arizona's 'Annie Get Your Gown' and I can't wait to strut my cowboy stuff ou

Furlough Fashion - Moist Monday #173 01 March 2021

Furlough Fashion - Moist Monday. I've been getting a little flabby after a weekend with Uncle Beer-Whisky and Aunt Chocolate-Covered-Caramel so I thought it's time to get back to Wayne Fonder's Workout (it's a knock-off version of the more famous one that can't be named for legal reasons). So instead of pumping wine boxes it'll be iron, and you can expect plenty of Guns 'n' Buns of steel to be on display later in the week.

I know that workouts are easy for people born within the sound of dumbb

Furlough Fashion - Lollipop Dolls Friday #172 25 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Lollipop Dolls Friday. After all the talk of popping bubbles yesterday it triggered a desire for a lollipop today. Luckily, Kate had had a spare Lolli-Maximus in the larder. Something of this size normally keeps her licking for days until she's tongue-tired. However, the trade off was that she wanted me to help her catalogue her doll collection ahead of the Miss Plastic Bombastic, 2021 an online Pageant for doll owners of the world to show off their favourite plastic princesse

Furlough Fashion - Bubble Thursday #171 24 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Bubble Thursday. Sometimes when I feel a low, and other people's misfortunes on YouTube and loud thrash music doesn't lift my spirits, I know it's Bubble-Time. So I mix up a fresh batch of soapy fun and get my bubble wand out and start dipping. Soon there are bubbles everywhere and with every pop a little bit of sadness goes away and with the many colours of the captivating iridescent surface I call it my 'Refraction Distraction'.

Bubbles are everywhere, in the spontaneous nu

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #170 24 February 2021

Wickens Wednesday. Back in the early days of our relationship Kate and I were involved in one of London's top rounders teams The Catford Doggers, named for their dogged determination to win at all costs. Rounders was popular in South London as there were a lot of people who were experienced in handling bats. We are pictured here in the Queenswood Mansion Den where we proudly display our many trophies plus souvenirs of all the balls Kate has handled (she was an amazing pitcher and we used to kee

Furlough Fashion - Bob Tuesday #169 23 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Bob Tuesday. Some of you may know that I did a degree in Film, Video & Photographic Arts a litany of now defunct practices. I realise why I didn't do very well on the course: I didn't have the persona of a tortured artist.

So, in light of this revelation I have created Krzysztof Gówno a sullen faux-Polish art photographer who only talks in the third person and, because 'colour is the construct of a patriarchal society' only works in black and white. This extends to the Gallic

Furlough Fashion - Modern Dance Monday #168 22 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Modern Dance Monday. We all know it can be hard to get going on a Monday when you are foggy headed from the weekend whisky and heavy from Sunday lunch and that extra couple of Yorkshire Puddings you sneaked when Kate wasn't looking (other County's are available). So, I like to shake out the malaise with some Monday morning Modern Dance. I'm a huge fan of the genre's major proponents such as the bald dancer Isadora Duncan Goodhew, Twyla Tharp (which lexicographers say has its r

Furlough Fashion - Formal Friday. #167 19 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Formal Friday. There's no reason to let standards slip during the week and I thought I would demonstrate this by going full formal this Friday. So I ordered a black tie ensemble from 'Go Tux Yourself' and 'Cummerbumptious'. As I'm sure you all know the bow tie originated among Croatian mercenaries during the Thirty Years' War of the 17th century and sometimes I feel like a fashion mercenary, a gingham gun for hire, an Alençon lace assassin, a velveteen Villanelle if you will.

Furlough Fashion - Vinyl Thursday #166 18 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Vinyl Thursday. Having bought a lot more vinyl in the last few years I make sure I have a good amp and turntable to play them on and treat them with the reverence that only a man who has no children and disposable income can. I would normally put on white gloves and hermetically seal the room before I'll pull out a 12 inch, give it a gentle wipe with a soft cloth and gently pop it on the platter but last night was a game changer. Kate found her old Dansette and I was persuaded

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #165 17 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. It's a double today as it's not only Wicken's Wednesday but one year since the first 'Working From Home' post. I can still remember the joy of sharing my favourite home working frock with you all. Who knew that from this one picture my posts would grow into a body of fashion appreciation & many people say I am a major Fashion Influenza on Facebook.

Having survived a recent bout of mansniffles I have bounced back to full fitness as demonstrated in this pictu

Furlough Fashion - 2 Frock Friday - #164 12 Feb 2021

Furlough Fashion - Two Frock Friday. After yesterday's head frock of linguistic head strain I thought I would give you actual frock. This is helped by the fact that occassionally, on a Thursday night, I set up a little catwalk/photo shoot in the Queenswood Mansions studio which butts up right against the warehouse wardrobe where I store my clothes. Kate likes to come and watch me handle my large format camera and will help trigger my shutter release and check my flash.

These outfits are the st

Furlough Fashion-Theosophy Thursday #163 11 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Theosophy Thursday. I've been trying to get interest from BBC4 for my documentary series 'Ways of Pointing' in which I not only point at things & make pithy observations but I also wryly discuss a lot of the pointless things I have learned in my life that Latin scholars would call obscurus fio.

For example, Semiotics "the study of signs and their meaning in society". This has been as useful to me as logarithm tables are to an anteater. If we ever make it back into a pub try

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #162 10 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. Given the chilly weather Kate and I have been spending quite a bit of time in the Queenswood Mansions Vivarium which is kept at a constant 20°C. 'But', I can hear you cry 'why didn't you go with a Phytotron?'. Well, we found it was too difficult to keep rooms at the variable temperatures required for multiple plant species although we did consider a Paludarium and Herpetarium and Kate wanted a Mentularium but we had trouble getting that up.

People have jok

Furlough Fashion-Chilly Tuesday #161 9 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Chilly Tuesday. "OK, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties cause it's cold out there." Adding cold weather to a lockdown makes everything seem even more like Groundhog Day but whether the weather is weathering you down or not you will need to wrap up warm and consider taking out whole life, term, uniflex, fire, theft, auto, dental, health, with the optional death and dismemberment plan, and water damage.

If not then can I advise the well trimmed (fake) fur of

Furlough Fashion-Spacepants Monday #160 8 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Spacepants Monday. Well another Pants-Con has come and gone and we have left the Canuck-7 star system but despite this year's con being online it was still huge fun. There were Zoom get togethers with fans and a panel with the stars such as Ethan Tremblay who plays Spaff Manitoba and Ava Gauthier who played Princess Nova.

I am pictured here as Major Thrust, Topgun of Spacepants Patrol and pilot of the S.P.A.M. Javelin (Spacepants Patrol Attack Module). He always stays on tar

Furlough Fashion-Ruff Friday #159 5 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Ruff Friday. You all know I like to wet my finger and stick it up to test fashion's temperature and I can say with certainty that ruffs are making a comeback. I'm sure we all know that ruffs evolved from the small fabric ruffle at the drawstring neck of the shirt or chemise popular in the 15th and 16th centuries.

By the end of Summer you will all be sick this crenelated neck adornment but, until then there are many online shops that have sprung up in anticipation of the deman

Furlough Fashion-C90 Thursday #158 4 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - C90 Thursday. You may or may not be aware that the humble cassette is making a comeback amongst the hipper bands around at the moment. So hip in fact that Grundig are introducing the HipSwinger 3000 and because of high profile in the fashion world and because my music writing is read by ones of people they have asked me to be a SPOKESperson for it (because cassettes have spokes, right?). The HS3000 offers both Play and Pause and the ability to forward and rewind so that you ca

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #157 3 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. As you may remember from June last year I am a fan of 70s sci-fi show 'Wormhole Wars' and we're both fans of 'Avo Larrikin: Moon Soldier' but we also have huge love for 'Spacepants Patrol' a little know 60s series from Canada that hoped to bring some of the magic of Irwin Allen shows like Lost in Space to North America. We have spent months making our own costunes ahead of this weekends online Pants-Con.

What's it all a-boot I hear you ask? Well, Kate is d

Furlough Fashion-Tuesday Twirl #156 2 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Twirl. From time to time I practice the routine for a dance that I was going to enter into South East London's premium Latin Ballroom competition 'Sydenham Sparkles'. My routine is set to the Shakira's 'Hips Don't Lie' (not strictly true as my hips once told me they were going to the cinema to see a Bergman film but they had really been to a Showaddywaddy gig) and I will dazzle with my flamboyant takes on salsa (that has loads of dips), mambo (based on scenes from the

Furlough Fashion-Back in Slacks #155 1 February 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back in Slacks. It's the start of a new working week and I wanted to welcome back all you desiccated followers of fashion. The repaired PC is humming like one of those birds (I'm sure one of the ornatheologists out there will know its name) and that means we can continue on this crazy fashion ride together.

The pink sequined tube top comes from Northumberland's 'Moobular Belles' a shop situated between two hills, each topped with a Crofter's Cottage and it's close to the wat

Furlough Fashion-Tonsorial Tuesday #154 26 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tonsorial Tuesday. Removing yesterday's hairsplosion took some time and I managed to burnout Kate's 'Bushwhacker 2000' in the process (I have had to order her the much newer LabiSabi 3000 from Japan). This left me with the beard, tousled locks and very dense hair on my trouser-marbles plus an odd side-effect which I had to contact 111 about. Apparently the sudden hair growth and removal had caused an extremely rare case of chest haemorrhoids (pectus setius sublicae). I have be

Furlough Fashion-Hairy Monday #153 25 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Hairy Monday. Given my thinning hair, I thought I would try one of those shampoos that encourages hair growth, this one was called 'Plump Up The Volume' which claims to make 'Willows from Wisps'. Trouble is I got some in my eye and, while rinsing it out, I left the lather on my head for too long and some got on my top lip and chest. After towelling myself vigorously I jumped at seeing a hairy stranger in the bathroom mirror. Dear reader, I was that hairy stranger!

So, before

Furlough Fashion-Musical Icons Week #152 23 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week. Bonus Saturday Fashion Drop: Suzi Quatro. This one's for Simon Marples, because reasons, as he would say. I call this my Floozie Q outfit because your mamma won't like me when you fire up the Quatro with one tug on my zip all the way down to my Devil Gate Drive where my cans can be canned until the 48th crash.

This jumpsuit was bought from rock outfitter K.H. Winkler from the top of his high-rise boutique called 'Stairway to Kevin', and it's part of his 'S

Furlough Fashion-Musical Icons Week #151 22 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week: Iggy Pop. Mr Pop was born James Newell Osterberg Jr. and his voice was so deep, even then, that the midwife thought it was Morgan Freeman crying in the delivery room. Raised in a trailer park (how annoying having films promoted all day and all night), was influenced by Chicago Blues & Boston Greens, the MC5 & seeing The Doors live (probably at an Ideal Home Exhibition). He formed the Stooges and they had a short lived career as slapstick comedians before he

Furlough Fashion-Musical Icons Week #150 21 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week: David Sylvian. He was a local boy who grew up in Lewisham and that's where is got his earliest taste of mysticism through the ancient traditions and rituals that South East London is known for. In fact the band Japan was formed in the shadow of the giant Cat Colossus that bestraddles the entrance to Catford Market.

And who could forget all those classic Japan songs: 'Gentlemen Rake Haemorrhoids', 'Fart at Parties' and their big hit 'Toasts' which pays trib

Furlough Fashion-Musical Icons Week-Wickens Wed #149 20 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week. Wickens Wednesday. Kate and I are huge fans of the Salt Lake Siblings Donny and Marie. Not so much the bonkers notion of Mormonism, but the singing dental juggernaut that is the Osmonds. Who can forget Donny's song 'Puppy Gloves' about a boy who loves his dog so much he makes gloves out of him after his death and Marie's big hit, 'Vaping Roses' about Marie being able to quit her 60 a day habit by guzzling rose-scented vaping hard. They also scored a hit tog

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week #148 19 January 2021

Furlough Fashion-Musical Icons Week. Talking Heads, with Davy Byrne, Tina Weybridge, Chris Frazzles & Jerry Halliwell didn't directly influence me musically but they soundtracked parts of my life. I loved albums like 'Airport 77', 'More Thongs About Buildings & Flues', 'Speaking in Thongs', 'Remain in Tights' & the best concert film ever made: Jonathan Demme's Jane Austin inspired 'Stop Making Sense & Sensibility'. I saw it at the cinema and, by the end, the audience who attended this matinee we

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week #147 18 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Musical Icons Week. This week I thought I would celebrate some of the musical artists I have admired over the years so spent the weekend driving my golf cart around the walk-in wardrobe picking out suitable items.

We start the week with one of the guitarists I was most influenced by in my early days of learning, The Edge. When other people were singing into their hairbrushes I was leaping round the bedroom with a tennis racket (not sure where it came from, I didn't do sport)

Furlough Fashion - Big Frock Friday #146 15 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Big Frock Friday revisited. I was inspired by the recent picture of Shirley Bassey in gold sequins and I could hear the sage words of the poets Kemp ringing in my ears: "Gold (gold), always believe in your soul. You've got the power to know, you're indestructible. Always believe in, 'cause you are gold (gold)". So, like the gold that is mined from veins and alluvial deposits, I have panned my closet to find the perfect outfit and re-discovered the elemental force of 'Golden Sw

Furlough Fashion - No Sun, No Fun #145 14 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - No Sun, No Fun. As the grey days stretch on and the weather continues to foist the moist upon us, I wanted to bring some sunshine to Queenswood Mansions. So last night in the South Wing conservatory I created a Hawaiian theme by setting up 20 sun lamps and putting out our best wicker chairs (bought cheap from an artisan on Summerisle who re-purposed them from something else, apparently).

We had some traditional Hawaiian food: Kate was replete from her Poke but couldn't resist

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #144 13 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. Finding your fun during locked can be difficult, a quiz here, a drunken Zoom there but one lucky thing is discovering Kate's passion for Formula Onesie which is a new show on the subscription channel Home Racing Network. Contestants have to construct their own track and car and compete in time trials. So, at the weekends, Kate has been building the track in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions and it is a thing of beauty, mainly because as she has a good eye f

Furlough Fashion - Lush Locks #143 12 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Lush Locks. After the rigours of yesterday's bongo excesses my outfit was wretched from sweat and my hair was a greasy tangle so on my daily exercise I popped into Boots and picked up some 'Oh Blondage Up Yours!' shampoo and 'Hair Force Fun' conditioner from from L'Areola in Peckham. With the grease gone and helped by the power of botanicals I unlocked the true spun gold potential hidden in my hair.

So to match this golden waterfall I have chosen a light, diaphanus (I think t

Furlough Fashion - Bongo Monday #142 11 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Bongo Monday. Sometimes, when I find it hard to get your head in gear at the start of the week, I turn to rhythm to get me moving. So, this morning I popped open the percussion box and pulled out my bongos. 30 minutes hammering away on the skins is enough to get the blood pumping and it's even better when I combine it with some loud ululation and I would highly recommend trying to master Mongolian Throat Singing. My throat version of The Marriage of Figaro is a thing of guttur

Furlough Fashion - Big Frock Friday #141 08 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Big Frock Friday. Go big or go home, they say but during lockdown you are home already and getting bigger. So given the popularity of Bridgerton (I gather there's a lot of frocking and Petticoat inspection in this) I have gone full taffeta today. This is bouji-bow-dress made in a unique collaboration by Hammersmith's 'Gown by the Riverside' and devout dressmakers 'Frock Me Jesus' in Ashby cum Fenby. I like big bows and I cannot lie but I am taken with the inflatable silk arm b

Furlough Fashion-Constitution Blues #140 07 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Constitution Blues. I doubt there are many right-thinking people who were not appalled at the images coming out of Washington. I did the only thing a musician can do: sit down and write some wishy-washy folk and protest songs to try and bring about peace in America from South London.

I spent all night burning incense and holding my clear quartz healing crystal whilst aligning my chakras from AM to FM and, at dawn, I managed to centre myself enough to begin composing. The son

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #139 06 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. Dry January...pah! There's too much exasperation to not reach for libation. The only thing that's going to be dry this January is our Martinis. Kate and I will be indulging in Moist Monday, Tipple Tuesday, Wet Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Farshnoshket Friday, Sloshed Saturday and Sherry Sunday. Sometimes in a squiffy haze we end up swapping clothes which is how we ended up with Kate wearing my jacket from online Irish vintage designers 'Shoulder Paddies' plu

Furlough Fashion - Back into Lockdown. #138 05 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back into Lockdown. After managing to shed the difficult Christmas pounds and I decided to pick out something especially beautiful for the forecast of a grey Tuesday. Little did I know that my cirrocumulus, hint-of-pink, Organza creation from 'Tiers of a Gown' would be so apt because that Poundshop Churchill came on the telly and announced Tier 13.

I strongly believe that we need to protect the NHS and take all the right personal precautions to avoid transmission of the wretc

Furlough Fashion - Back2Work. #137 04 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back2Work. First day back at work and it was a little difficult squeezing into the office and sitting at the desk. I think I've put a few pounds on since the Christmas break started. Kate says it hardly shows if you squint while facing the other direction. However, I am really enjoying wearing the Pharaoh outfit that Kate bought me and in the spring, work starts on my Pyramid Folly in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions (Kate calls it my Pyramidlife crisis). She says the outfit

Furlough Fashion - New Year's Day - #136 - 01 January 2021

Furlough Fashion - New Year's Day 2021. Well, like Y2K the world did not come to an end at midnight, no planes fell from the sky and the Anti-Vax Uprising has yet to start. But at Queenswood Mansions the aftermath of last night's 'New Year Party à Deux' is messy. I mainly stayed on bourbons and craft beers like 'Mango Reinhardt' and the Star Wars themed 'Admiral Akbeer', Kate went full tilt and polished off the last 2 gallons of Snowball mix as well as all remaining sticky Christmas old lady dri

Furlough Fashion - New Year's Eve - #135 - 31 December 2020

Happy New Year to all of you lovely people. Thank you for letting me show off my fashion foibles (depending on how tight the outfit was) and thank you for joining in with this rude, lewd, crude, dude as it kept me sane over the year.

To steal a Robbie Williams metaphor, 2020 was like watching your favourite pub burn down but here's to 2021 the year of belated hugs, meals, drinks and laughter that isn't tinged with irony. You are all amazing so don't go changing XXXX

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Bank Holiday - #134 - 28 December 2020

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Bank Holiday. I'm going to take a break from fashion for the rest of this week so I can recharge my couture batteries, but I thought I would share these pictures with you from Christmas.

The first is me unwrapping my presents on Christmas Morning in my Babydoll Nightie from the Anne Winters collection and the second picture is with my favourite present a steam proof Zenith Moisture Master AM/LW radio for the Queenswood Mansion sauna. This baby will pick up all the u

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Bonus - #132 - 26 December 2020-BONUS

Furlough Fashion - Slight Return (Christmas bonus). I've just heard from 'HO-3 Magazine' that I was voted Miss Xmas 2020. From the heart of my bottom I would like to thank all of you who voted for me. My baubles glistened especially brightly today and I think my tree stood a little prouder. I shall wear the sash until New Year and enjoy my prizes: a winter muff (which I can't wait to get my hands in later today) and an all expenses paid trip to Iceland in Lewisham Shopping Centre.

Furlough Fashion, Christmas Day - #132 - 25 December 2020

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Day. MERRY CHRISTMAS one and all. I hope you currently have one hand on a Christmas package and the other on a Christmas drink. Kate is in the ballroom bar at Kris Kringle's Kocktail Korner, getting some Yuletide tipples ready. There's the Donner & Blitzen (eggnog and tequila), the Ho-Ho-Hojito, a Snowy Mary (tomato juice, Tabasco, vodka & a 'snow' topping of whipped cream), Santagria (red wine, fruit and trimmed with a top layer of Bailey's and a tinsel garnish and

Furlough Fashion, Christmas Week - #131 - 24 December 2020

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Week. You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry. You better not pout, though I'm telling you why...because in the words of Justin Timberlake I want to bring the sexy back to Christmas. For all those of you who struggle with your day to day fashion and look to me to provide tips well today I have a couple of tips on display. It's a look I call Saint Knicker-less and combines an outfit from Christmas outfitters 'All The Kringle Ladies' (with their motto 'If you like

Furlough Fashion, Xmas Wickens Wed - #130 - 23 Dec 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday. Due to reasons, Kate and I have been way too late in sorting out Christmas cards and now all the post boxes are full and something sent today will not arrive until 28 Days Later when all postal workers (and most of the country) will want to chase us and eat our brains. Therefore, I hope you will accept our heart-fondled apologies but if you would please print this image, fill in your name and fold along the dotted line then, by Santa's beard,

Furlough Fashion, Christmas Week - #129 - 22 December 2020

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Week. Only 3 more sleeps until the big day and now I'm winding down from work and making sure that Queenswood Mansions is truly full of Christmas spirit. Kate gets super-excited when she hears me get my baubles out and she enjoys some last minute tweaks as I rummage in her Christmas Box (where she's kept her family's decorations for years).

At this time of year I am up with the cock most mornings and today I was adding finishing touches to our tree. Every year we n

Furlough Fashion, Christmas Week - #128 - 21 December 2020

Furlough Fashion - Christmas Week. So as we prepare to jingle our bells and pull our crackers (or if you're in Tier 4 pop a straw into a tinsel wrapped bottle of vodka and settle down to listen to some festive Joy Division), at Queenswood Mansions I have been frantically wrapping presents. However, I had to take a moment to show you my new Christmas Bob and a lovely faux-fur wrap I bought from a combined Ballroom Gown seller and Sex Shop called 'Tickly Come Dancing' (who thinks up these silly sh

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #127 - 18 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). It has been noted that I have been wearing less and less this week so I thought I would go full glamour this Friday, especially as I have a few Zoom calls so thought I would look my best. So, while Kate set up the Hasselblad in the Gilt Room (because as you know I am not gilt-free) I took a chiffon poncho decorated with 500 silk leaves bought from 'Planet of the Capes' (they have other shops in Tetley, Yorkshire including 'Beneath the Planet of the Capes' and 'B

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #126 - 17 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). After the clammy touch of a loincloth yesterday I was in need of some furry lusciousness so turned to a faux fur slanket I bought from 'Don't Forget to Plush' in Furze Hill. This picture was taken in the Coral Room which is the antechamber to the Undersea Ballroom in the North East wing of Queenswood Mansions. The colour is a perfect compliment to the lurid cerise of my rap and, like a well trained Navy Seal, Green Beret or member of the SAS, I can't help my mod

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #125 - 16 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday. As Kate is lover of horticulture Queenswood Mansions is chock full of succulents, ferns, cacti and more. Her deft green fingers are more than enough to help things grow and I love the feel of her Lady Palm and her Mother In Laws Tongue and will often ask if she knows the way to the Amaryllis.

So on certain days we turn the heating up and get into the Tarzan and Jane outfits we purchased from 'The Loin, The Stitch and the Wardrobe' on Ungowa

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #124 - 15 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). We'd bought tickets to go and see 'Wonder Woman - 1984' this Sunday and then bloody Tier 3 gets dropped on us. As you can see from the picture I found out when Kate was helping me make last minute alterations to the outfit I was going to wear to the cinema on Sunday. I had gone for the classic 'satin tights, fighting for her rights' outfit favoured by Lynda Carter and unsurprisingly it came from Amazon.

Fun fact, William Moulton Marston, creator of Wonder Woman

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #123 - 14 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). It's good to be back from my sick bed and back into the swing of fashion. Possibly a hang over from a high temperature I felt like something loosely fitting so went with this sheer silk number from 'Chiffonanism' in Chester some jewellery from 'Medallion Stallions' with their motto "Treasure for Chests" and a belt from 'The Buckle Brothers ('He who belt it, dealt it'). Kate snapped this picture of me in the corridor that runs between the west wing petting zoo an

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #122 - 04 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Fridays are special as it's when we we throw open the lounge bar in the South Wing of Queenswood Mansions for our weekly breakfast of Blinis and Martinis. Kate likes a Pawn Star Martini, which was inspired by 'The Queen's Gambit' (basically it's a Martini with chess pawns floating in it). Being a guitarist I like a Gibson but with the olives placed in a bowl inside a lead-lined box 1000 miles away from London (horrendous little salt hand grenades made of hard pu

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #121 - 03 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). I take a walk every lunch time to blow away the Tier 2 cobwebs and this takes me past a suburban sanctuary that looks after birds from the Paridae family and abandoned donkeys called 'Tits & Ass' (they also run a monthly online discussion forum which you can sign up to, just search for 'Ass Debate'). I always take a moment to play with the cutest ass in the place - or Mule In The Crown, if you will - and I'm pictured here with 'Don Quixote'. Fun fact, donkeys we

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - Wickens Wednesday #120- 2 Dec 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday. Kate and I have been trying to do more together since March and one of the things we have tried is bodybuilding. Weight training, as we all know, utilizes the force of gravity in the form of weighted bars, dumbbells or weight stacks in order to oppose the force generated by muscle through concentric or eccentric contraction but Kate is no stranger to lifting having been used to carrying dead weights like me around for so long. Up until we tri

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #119 - 01 December 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). I'm still fighting the weight gain due to the endless buffet that is lockdown 2.0. Working from home it's too easy to pull out a saveloy or grab the salami or some plums, nibble on some nuts, enjoy a Belle Crème or something hard like Pecorino or quaff on Kate's creamy Affogato. But all of this has caused me to expand and wobble more than normal. So now I am working on my own morning exercise routine drawing from many disciplines such as yoga, Zumba, Cheerful-Tr

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #118 - 30 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). The joys of Mohair Monday. Rooting around in my wardrobe over the weekend I was delighted to find a cardigan I had imported from a speciality shop in the Arctic called 'Angora Borealis' (it's one of two hairy brown things I own) who are also makers of the world's softest thong: 'Mohair On A G-string'. So, wearing this fuzzy old friend inspired a Mad Men style 50s preppy look, offset by a starched white shirt from waterside shop 'Shirt Creek' and a tie and wool s

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #117 - 27 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). It's as we approach winter that I note on the calendar that ones chimneys needs a good stiff brushing. It's not good to have a blocked flue when the weather turns so early this morning I was up on the roof in my specially made sweeps outfit. I have found over the years of cleaning out the house exhausts that rubber is the best material as it's easy to wash clean afterwards. I also have to tie my hair up (Kate likes tight buns) and I have some PPE glasses to stop

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #116 - 26 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Happy Sweetcorn Day! Today is the Sweetcorniversary of the first time I ever tried those tiny little taste bombs and although I don't make a big deal of it I LOVE sweetcorn; just adore it. I think it goes back to being a kid and seeing adverts featuring the Jolly Green Giant and thinking how super-happy he looked despite being dangerously oversized for the valley he lived in. In fact to him the tiny little sweet corns would be like a grain of sand is to us so I

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #115-25 Nov 2020-Wickens Wednesday

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday. Even though Studio 54 is closer to our ages rather than an ideal of Disco distraction we still like to get together on date night in the Versace Ballroom we had built at the start of Lockdown 2.0. It's a chance to dress up in our finery and throw some shapes on the dancefloor until the early hours. Kate's been getting into making cocktails since COVID started and so far we've tried Slippery Nipples, Sit On My Faith (full of holy spirits), Chi

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #114 - 24 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). It's one of those Autumn morning where you pull open the curtains and it seems to be darker as it's a grey morning out there. My little face dropped and I felt a sulk come on as I lamented the waning of the summer light.

So my clothes reflect the mood with an outfit for the darkest of souls. The top is from 'Lace of Spades' in Lemington, funereal bra and tights from 'Touching Goth' in Camden (you may remember them from my working from home outfit on 6 April) an

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #113 - 23 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). They say 'Go Big or Go Home', well I am at home but that's no reason I can't still go big. I thought I would start the week in big 80s fashion. Back-combed and preened into spandex splendour with aircraft carrier shoulder pads and the kind of colour clash you normally only find in God's Own Junkyard in Walthamstow.

The hair Kate did with 14 cans of Elnett, a bucket of mousse and a leaf blower and the dayglo jumpsuit was bought from gym and fashion house 'Guns

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #112 - 20 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Sometimes, when I wake up I think "Howdy pink pardner" and decide to grasp the glory of the morning by moseying on over to the wardrobe and pulling out my boldest Stetson. With the promise of the weekend within our grasp I hope you will enjoy today's ensemble which I like to call Henry Fondant (or sometimes Glee Van Cleef).

The hat is an original from high class hatters 'Who Wants to be a Milliner', the t-shirt and undies are made by Washington company 'Hail t

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - #111 - 19 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). I'm pretty convinced that MFI have been reading my thoughts recently so I'm not taking any precautions and have lined the room off the West Vestibule with what the American's call alloooominum foil. I like to sit in here and cogitate a few times a day knowing that my mind can drift off and just bounce around the foil rather than leak out and be caught by one of MFI's mobile antennas. The outfit is an all black affair called Ninja-Binks from Minehead's 'Mime Does

Furlough Fashion (slight return) - Wickens Wednesday #110-18 Nov 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday. Buoyed up by recent musical successes I have decided to revisit my Jazz Odyssey 'Flute Salad'. The flute dates back 43,000 years with the first mention in print said to be Chaucer in 1380. However, it wasn't until its use in Jazz that this silver wand enjoyed a renaissance and I want to celebrate this on my album. So far I have the tough driving jazz funk of 'Edward Woodwind', the jazz-blues of 'Flute-66', my tribute to the late Toots Hibbert

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #109 - 17 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). You might not know that in certain Eastern Bloc countries I am a very successful player of Air Chess. 64 individual jets of air keep the pieces aloft and this allows for a 360° view of the game. There is one strict rule: players are banned from foods like sprouts, cabbage and pulses after the 1957 tournament when Anatoly Popov let one fly when playing the American Gary Letwonoff. It was a stench so heinous that not only did the game have to be abandoned but the

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #108 - 16 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). During this second lockdown we find ourselves forced into another contactless purgatory (in fact purga-Tory should be the collective noun for this anodine collection of bankers and hedge fund managers currently 'running' the country). But outdoor activities are still okay so I can head to the park with all the joggers, perambulators and dog walkers and show off my fashionista credentials. So, if it's a crisp, sunny morning I have taken to striking a pose on my f

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #107 - 13 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Thank Frock it's Friday, a chance to let my hair down, pop open the breakfast carafe and wait for the weekend to arrive and give me a big sloppy kiss.
So giddy with anticipation I did not delve too deeply into the dressing up box today, just a hat imported from 'Tyrolean-On-Me' in Salzburg and Tiroler Bergwacht jacket from a shop in the Welsh valleys that specialises in Austrian clothes called 'Alp Me Rhonda'.

So, think of me at 5:16 going on 5:17 pm when I whi

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #106 - 12 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - All I can say is don't mix tequila and temporary tattoos! What started with margaritas at 5pm, and moved on to slammers by 6, coincided with uncovering my Mum's temporary tattoo collection from their house clearance. Trouble is, like Pringles, once you start putting on the tattoos when you're drunk, it seems you can't stop. So here we are, rough head and covered in spider webs, religious iconography and, unfortunately out of shot, my Mum's favourite Chuck Norri

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #105 - 11 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return) - Wickens Wednesday is back! Needs must is one the mantras of lockdown and so Kate and I have been cutting each other's hair. Unfortunately our most recent trip to the kitchen salon was made after we'd just finished discussing why there hasn't been a tribute to the late Barry Elliot of the Chuckle Brothers (we think it should be called "To Me, To You, To Jesus") and this had a profound effect on our our tonsorial teasings. So we decided to embrace this and go ful

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #104 - 10 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Ever since I was a child and watched Jacques Cousteau I have been fascinated with the undersea world. I was also a huge fan of 'Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea' (although it was a kid's shows so they weren't allowed to show the bottom), '20 Leagues Under the Sea', 'Marine Boy' and the heart-wrenching documentary 'Finding Nemo' (although I never once saw a Clown Fish take a custard pie to the face).

The trouble is I don't like salt water so had to find a less

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #103 - 09 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). Like many other people at this time of year you will have put your Summer Accordion away and retrieved your Autumn Accordion from storage. As you will know the Autumn Accordion has a more solemn tone as befits the falling of leaves (even against the wishes of the leaves that wanted to remain on the tree where it was doing very well thank you very much Nigel Bloody Farage).

Pictured is my Accordion alter-ego Concert Tina, and as Tina I perform a wide repertoire

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #102 6 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). I declare today Foppish Friday and I, for one, will be working towards the weekend whilst awash with crushed velvet and silk and radiating the scent of Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen's fragrance 'L'intérieur'.

This wonderful confection of haughty-couture is made up of a frou-frou collared shirt from 'A Bit of Ruff' in Kings Cross, a jacket was from online tufted fabric emporium 'Velveteenage Daydream' and trousers from 'Jumping Slack Flash' in Carnaby Street. The bel

Furlough Fashion (slight return) #101 5 November 2020

Furlough Fashion (Slight Return). As we return to a UK National Lockdown, and given the way this week has gone, I have decided to get the sewing machine out of the cupboard and sharpen my fashion radar so I can bring back a weekday slice of lockdown looks.

Today I was inspired by Billy Bragg and wanted to bring you 'The Milkman of Human Kindness'. I've got a metaphorical float brimming with gold and silver tops (and soya milk for the vegans). If you want to get your hands on my sour cream or ha

America Votes!

Never have I been more nervous of a US Election, as you can see from my face. Also, crude oil is so cheap at the moment I was able to buy a couple of barrels to use on my hair. Good luck America (because, obviously Historians will say that this post proved crucial in America removing Dick A L'Orange from office).

Dress Up - Hallowe'en 2020

Hallowe'en Dress Up - Double, double toil and trouble, chiffon crackle and wardrobe juggle (with some thigh of newt) on this least English of 'holidays'. But never let that get in the way of an opportunity to dress up.

You may be familiar with my crucible of fashion but prepare to be witched with today's post because you have never seen me jump on my broomstick (no, not like that you saucy-minded people) and head into the woods.

I looked to the advice of 'Queer Eye for the Magi' when putting

Hallowe'en Bonus

Hallowe'en Bonus 3

Hallowe'en Bonus 4

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #2 - 7 May 2023

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #2 – All this week, and especially this weekend, I keep hearing people talking about the Corrie Nation. I know it’s a popular show but it’s ‘Corrie Nation this’ and ‘Corrie Nation that’. However, it did remind me of a play that Kate and I did with our local troupe of actors ‘AmDram Thank You Ma’am’ which took Corrie as its inspiration for some hard-hitting dramas ‘Sniffin’ Brew’, ‘Barm’d and Dangerous’ and ‘Mingin’ In The Rain’. Today’s picture comes from th

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #1 - 06 May 2023

Furlough Fashion Bank Holiday Special #1 – It’s embarrassing how these things happen. I woke this morning to find a card from the courier company saying they had delivered my special package to their usual location: five streets across, wedged in the bushes by a patch of waste ground that holds has a fine collection of 1970s mattresses, building waste and enough disparate car parts to build one of those cars from Mad Max. I had commissioned a new portrait of Kate and I from ironic Irish artist G

Furlough Fashion #599 – More Odour - 06 May 2023

Furlough Fashion #599 – More Odour. After today Furlough Fashion will be on a brief hiatus while I gather up the Furlough Fashion Singer submissions and head down to Gingersound studios deep in the sound proofed basement to finish off the FF600 song by adding layers of Foog synthesiser, Ruinator X5 compression and then sprinkling everything with my own special magic so that these centenary tracks have that special patina that sits somewhere between ROTFL and WTF.

In today’s picture you can see

Furlough Fashion #598 – Wickens Wednesday – Have You Arted 05 May 2023

Furlough Fashion #598 – Wickens Wednesday – Have You Arted? Kate has been taking art lessons down at Queenswood Community College under the tutelage of leading East End painter Ronnie Two Coats who says he is looking forward to a Banksy Holiday in Bristol this coming weekend. Kate loves to re-create paintings by famous people and has exhibited her Hockey in Hackney, Rothko in Cost Co., and her Bacon in our local transport café. She still can’t tell the difference between Manet or Monet, but that

Furlough Fashion #597 – Steeping Beauty - 02 May 2023

Furlough Fashion #597 – Steeping Beauty. In the way that tides change, lambs are born, and the ground is fecund with new life, so for me spring means that I have to head down to the Queenswood Mansions’ Tannin Salon and pull the dust cloth off the ‘Teaminator - Tea 100’. You see, Kate drinks so much tea that once a year we have to replace all the cups. Personally, I find this strange as I only use one large mug bought at Roger Whittaker’s last ever annual ‘Whistlecon’. However, given the gigalit

Furlough Fashion #596 – Friday Fiddle - 28 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #596 – Friday Fiddle. One of the things that my musician friends will know is that starting the morning playing with yourself sets you up for a good day. I know some people like to start the day with hot meat in between soft buns or guzzling down a smoothie, but musicians like to rise when the alarm goes off and enjoy some early morning musical glory. For example, I’ll often head down to Queenswood Mansions’ music studio and select the instrument that takes my fancy that day. So

Furlough Fashion #595–Where There’s a Wool There’s a Way - 27 Apr 2023

Furlough Fashion #595 – Where There’s a Wool There’s a Way. It’s embarrassing I know, but I’ve just heard that for the 16th year in a row I’m nominated for Cardigan Wearer of the Year, sponsored by ‘Knit Happens’ (FF#189). It’s embarrassing because 16 nominations have not yet translated into a single award and I’m beginning to think it will never happen. I was at the awards the years that David Beckham, Daniel Craig, John Hamm, Pharrell and Ryan Reynolds walked away with the Golden Needles troph

Furlough Fashion #594 – Wickens Wednesday – Ex-exercises 26 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #594 – Wickens Wednesday – Ex-exercises. Kate’s been encouraging me to try some exercise every with her every morning to help maintain my boyish and yet taught, muscular and yet svelte figure. So far, we’ve the current trends of ‘Burst and Last’ which involves short, intense reps, ‘Plank the Monkey’ where you swing from bars then plank until you’re spent, and ’Squat the Dickens’ where you work up a sweat wearing a powdered wig and frock coat. We’ve tried the celebrity endorsed

Furlough Fashion #593 – Jock Dress Monster - 25 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #593 – Jock Dress Monster. In the same way that you can get non-irony clothes – see Hackett, Burberry, D&G, Versace etc. where the branding is massive and often as gaudy as a rich widower on the riviera – I have been working with sarcastic couture brand ‘Yeah Right!’ who are looking to produce a range of slogan t-shirts and sweatshirts with messages ironic to the wearer. I’m starting with this neon-lipstick-pink top declaring ‘I’M A JOCK’. Today’s picture is a prototype of the t

Furlough Fashion #592 – Big Deck - 24 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #592 – Big Deck. The local allotment association ‘Plot Noodlers’ held its annual fund raiser. I’m no tiller of the land and loathe dirt under my fingernails but Kate is and she asked me to set up a stall as fortune teller and mystic Madame Sandler, shower of futures, diviner of destiny. I got my outfit from ‘Does My Astrology Look Big In This’ and I got my cards from ‘Tarot, Is It Me You’re Looking For?’ Once you enter my velour sanctum you cross my palm with 76% copper, 20% zin

Furlough Fashion #591 – Pouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon - 21 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #591 – Pouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. In a recent clear out I found a cache of magazines that covered my career as an occasional model (fashion not Airfix). I would be employed as a stylist on a shoot but was sometimes persuaded to step in front of the lens. I’ve worked for all kinds of trade and commercial publications such the Prosecco socialist rag ‘Women’s Wokely’, the chocolate/dominatrix lovers magazine ‘BDSM&M’, the gay plumbers trade journal ‘U-Bend & Plug it Weekly’ and

Furlough Fashion #590 – Planet of the Napes - 20 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #590 – Planet of the Napes. As age creeps up on us with its gift of creaky knees, temperamental bladders, poor eyesight, and the thing I look forward to the least is EOW, or Early Onset Wattle; that moment when your neck starts to melt and turn turkey on you. In my research I’ve learned that the wattle is a caruncle, a type of fleshy excrescence on an animal or an appendage to the prostomium of a worm's body or sublingual on the human tongue or lacrimal at the inner corner of th

Furlough Fashion #589 – Wickens Wednesday - Blind Date - 19 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #589 – Wickens Wednesday - Blind Date. Recently, Kate suggested I get dressed up in my best suit from Wembley’s ‘He Suits He Scores’ for a blind date. I thought this was very open minded of her but when she called up to my boudoir to say that the car was ready, I came down the North Wing staircase to find her holding a blindfold and dressed in a fine grey pinstripe 2-piece from a company that weaves their cloth from moulting mountain goats called ‘Her Suit’ (try saying ‘moulting

Furlough Fashion #588 – Major Tomfoolery - 18 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #588 – Major Tomfoolery. Space has never been more exciting. We’re returning to the moon (I think because Buzz Aldrin has run out things to sell that he took to the moon last time), Hertfordshire-born Physicist Dr Nicola Fox became the head of NASA (or the Nose Cone as the job is never referred to), we’ve crashed a spacecraft into an Asteroid, and we’ve launched a mission to study Jupiter’s icy moons (word is that Saturn is sick of getting mooned to which Jupiter says ‘well stop

Furlough Fashion #587 – Chirpy Burpy Cheap Leap - 17 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #587 – Chirpy Burpy Cheap Leap. Hiccups are pigging irritating, although I’m aware that some of you out there call them hiccoughs, post-modern-belches, hicky-wicky-up-ups, lungfartio-expelliarmus, bizarro-sneezes or synchronous diaphragmatic flutter (SDF). Well, this weekend I was struck down with a particularly bad case of them. I tried all the usual cures: holding my breath until I turned cobalt blue, drinking a glass of water backwards and upside down in reverse, and hopping

Furlough Fashion #586 – Quant of Solace - 14 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #586 – Quant of Solace. For a fashionista like what I am - full of a pash for fash as I like to tell people – it was a huge blow to hear of Dame Barbara Mary Quant’s death yesterday. I never knew her but her affect on fashion as the Fairy Modmother is legion. She was the designer of the Mini Skirt (and the lesser-known Cortina Socks and Viva Culottes), hotpants, cold knickers, and she popularised the beret so effectively it became part of Frank Spencer’s outfit in ‘Some Mother’s

Furlough Fashion #585 – Top Hat & Tales - 13 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #585 – Top Hat & Tales. Fashion may be my passion, but I also love storytelling. I did dabble in writing kid’s books but apparently the world wasn’t ready for ‘Learn To Count With Freddy Kruger’, ‘My Mum’s a Mortician’, ‘Danny On Dandruff Island’, ‘The Terminator Who Came To Tea’,
‘Magic Willy’ (it’s about a child magician called William but apparently the publishers couldn’t see that), or ‘Dom ‘n’ Matrix’ and the follow up ‘Big Dave Sauce Maker’.

So, never one to let reject

Furlough Fashion #584 – Wickens Wed – Vache Wednesday - 12 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #584 – Wickens Wednesday – Vache Wednesday. What to do with all those little bits of milk that get left at the bottom of the carton? You know the ones; not enough to trouble a cup of tea but maybe enough to dampen a single cornflake. Well, I came up with a solution. Deep in the bowels of Queenswood Mansions is our cryogenic laboratory, ready to freeze us until medical science could cure us of whatever illnesses we get. I, for example, would be iced if I got dementia, or until th

Furlough Fashion #583 – Ain’t Too Proud to Egg - 11 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #583 – Ain’t Too Proud to Egg. As happened from time to time, I woke this morning from a 24-hour egg bender. Judging by the state of the kitchen I had started the day with 3 soft-boiled and some toasty soldiers fresh from their bakery barracks and that got me over-eggscited and I’d spent the rest of the day scrambling, poaching, hard-boiling, steaming, and devilling. As usual on a bender my head swelled up due to my Lutein intolerance and Kate snapped this picture of me brandish

Furlough Fashion #582 – Show Me The Bunny - 10 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #582 – Show Me The Bunny. Easter is a special time of year which happens anytime from the start of February to the middle of May. We all take a break from time keeping as the clocks have just changed and can’t work out whether Friday is Sunday or Monday is the day before the preceding Saturday. Supermarkets close for one day which causes shoppers to panic buy enough food for 3 days and, just as Christmas is becoming a dim angry memory, we all gather our families together to re-l

Furlough Fashion #581 – Fun Guy - 06 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #581 – Fun Guy. Part of the joy of spring for me is the chance to get together with my fellow Fungiculture Club members at ‘SHROOMCON 2023’ to celebrate the wonder of nature bursting with fungal life. From the early online days of ‘Mycelium Space’ and ‘Shroom Forums’ up to the niche ‘Fungibook’ we are a close-knit group who like to dress as our favourite fungi (although during lockdown we had content ourselves with just ‘Shroom Zooms’). I dress as the beautiful but deadly toadst

Furlough Fashion #580 – Wickens Wed – Love At First Kite 05 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #580 – Wickens Wednesday – Love At First Kite. Many years ago, I spent a summer on the Greek island of Punos where I was a lowly apprentice to kite maker Di the Kite (he was from the Welsh Valleys but relocated to Greece to see what the sun looked like). Every lunchtime I would walk up from his harbour workshop to the agora to get my vine leaves stuffed by Hamish Fìonain (a Scottish Highlander who relocated to Greece to experience not-rain). One day, halfway up the path, a visio

Furlough Fashion #579 – Torso Vain - 04 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #579 – Torso Vain (I probably think this post is about me). Today I designate as ‘Top off Tuesday’, not to be confused with ‘Topov Tuesday’ when I posted pictures of Topov the Monkey from kid’s TV show ‘Pipkins’ (yes, I thought Hartley Hare looked like he had been buried in the Pet Cemetery and been brought back to life by a Demon’s curse), or ‘Topol Tuesday’ when I celebrated the life of the ‘Fiddler On The Roof’ star, or ‘Topiary Tuesday’, ‘Torpedo Tuesday’, ‘Thor Heyerdahl Tu

Furlough Fashion #578 – Hai Coup 03 April 2023

Furlough Fashion #578 – Hai Coup. I can be the first to announce that Hai-Karate is coming back! Spurred on by the success of the ‘Lynx Effect’, where young adults are relentlessly pursued by people who appear to want sexy fun time at any cost, the Casablanca-based niche perfume manufacturers ‘Spray It Again Sam’ have brought out a limited edition of Hai-Karate in its original packaging with the self-defence leaflet.

I was brought in to do the proof of concept and brainstorm ideas for the mark

Furlough Fashion #577 – Megaphonimaniacal - 31 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #577 – Megaphonimaniacal. It’s been said by neighbours a few streets over that I have a loud voice, but I know that anyone who knows me hears nothing more than a delightful sotto voce, like the gentle susurration of leaves in the trees on a balmy summer’s afternoon. To that end I have bought myself a ‘THUNDERBOY’ the latest in megaphone loudness. As it says on Kate’s online information resource Wikenspedia: “A megaphone increases the volume of sound by increasing the acoustic im

Furlough Fashion #576 – Ward Awards - 30 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #576 – Ward Awards. Doctors and nurses have been a big part of films and TV as far back as ‘City Hospital’ (1951) through the scamp with a stethoscope ‘Doogie Howser, M.D.’ (1989) and ‘Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman’ (1993) up to ‘The Doctors’ and ‘Call The Midwife’. This weekend I’ll be attending the 1st Annual Fictional Medic Awards as I am nominated in the ‘Best Online Doctor’ category for my YouTube fashion series on pubic wigs - ‘Merkin 9 to 5’. I appear in these ‘Pubic Informat

Furlough Fashion #575 – Wickens Wednesday – Who-ray! 29 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #575 – Wickens Wednesday – Who-ray! Who’s the better Who? It’s a conundrum as old as the hills, assuming the hills in question were formed in 1963. Kate set us the challenge of using the walk-in warehouse to dress as our favourite Doctors. I initially misunderstood and dressed as Dr. Edward Jenner the pioneer of vaccines but then returned as Jon Pertwee star of Who, Gummidge and Carry On. Kate favoured Patrick Troughton star of Who, The Omen and the body snatcher in Frankenstein

Furlough Fashion #574 – The Tiger Feet Feat - 28 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #574 – The Tiger Feet Feat. I was DJing at The Over 50s Mad Monday Driving Glove Disco last night in the local village hall and during ‘King Tubby Meets Rockers Uptown’ by Augustus Pablo Madge Winterbottom sidled over, placed a steadying hand on my deck and shouted a request for Mud’s ‘Tiger Feet’ into my ear. I duly obliged and was treated to the site of a group of quinquagenarian and sexagenarians hooking their fingers into their belts and doing the dance.

This morning while

Furlough Fashion #573 – A Brush With Greatness - 27 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #573 – A Brush With Greatness. This weekend I popped along to The Croydonian, a Gallery of Portraiture, Landscapes and Modern Art to see a newly purchased painting of a distant relative of mine, my great, great, great, great, great, great Aunt - twice removed - Countess Euphemia Watson-Hudson-Mason. She was married to the Earl of Ealingfordshire who owned land from the lush meadows of Slough-on-Wick-on-Vindsor (as it was known then) to the Cheese Caves of Weybridge. She was reno

Furlough Fashion #572 – 2B Or Not 2B - 24 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #572 – 2B Or Not 2B. It’s a big weekend coming up as I am one of the hosts of the 33th Annual Pencil Awards (or Sketchies as they are known in the business). The pencil, as favoured by writers such as Nabokov, Steinbeck and Dahl, is still big business and the award will be attended by tens of people. The major players will be there including Caran d’Ache, Staedtler, Faber-Castell (Vincent Van Gogh’s favourites), and Derwent (it’s expected the Derwent Pencil Museum will win ‘Penc

Furlough Fashion #571–A Kind Of Lush All Over The World-23 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #571 – A Kind Of Lush All Over The World. Sometimes you like a word, in fact you like that word a little more than is healthy. In double fact, if you met that word in real life and you were single, and that word was single then who knows what w…I’ve said too much. The word in question is fecund. Spring has now sprung, the equinox has equinoxed all over the Northern Hemisphere and, as we all learned in ‘Seasons 101’, the sun's rays are now shining onto the equator while the Earth

Furlough Fashion #570 – Wickens Wednesday - Salon Katy - 22 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #570 – Wickens Wednesday - Salon Katy. Just off the northeast corner of the south wing’s east facing wall Kate has set up her own salon as she’s thinking of a new career doing hair and beauty treatments. Lots of people are doing it nowadays as people always want their hair cut, plucked or coloured and getting a good pampering in the process is always welcome. I’ve even heard Mani from the Stone Roses now earns supplementary income from his Salford salon ‘Mani’s Pedis’. I’ve sour

Furlough Fashion #569 – Planet of the Capes - 21 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #569 – Planet of the Capes. They say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery but I’m not sure the makers of Shazam! would say that about the knock-off-straight-to-video-extremely-similar-production ‘Whazoom!’ about little orphan Willy Whitsun, chosen by the mythical God Whazoom to be his champion against the Seven Deadly Spirits: Wrathamon, Furioso, Chagrintintin, Lord Peeved, Huffzilla, Sleepy and Doc Savage. By uttering “Whazoom!” Bobby changes from a 9 stone weakling

Furlough Fashion #568 – The Brave And The Bald - 20 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #568 – The Brave And The Bald. I’m sure we all know the story of Pierre Brandon-Colbert, the half French half Canadian half American actor. He had been a minor star in his early career starring in movies such as the war films ‘Dawn Comes At Dusk’, ‘Don’t Let Them See Your Periscope’, noir films ‘The Golden Splendour’, ‘Why I Oughta’ (see FF#408), the 'working man' dramas ‘Men Get Their Asphalt’, and ‘Clock Punchers’ as well as B-Movie sci-fi film ‘They Came From Uranus’. There w

Furlough Fashion #567–Clothes Encounter of the Third Kind - 17 Mar 23

Furlough Fashion #567 – Clothes Encounter of the Third Kind. Today is the 3rd anniversary of the first ever Furlough Fashion post which was made on Tuesday 17th March 2020. Well, it was originally called ‘Working From Home Fashion’ but let’s not let that stand in the way of a party. 3 years, 567 posts, 4 centenary songs – ‘Fashion’ (FF#100), ‘Sharp Dressed Man’ (FF#200), ‘Dressed For Success’ (FF#300) and ‘Dedicated Follower of Fashion’ (FF#500). FF#400 was going to be ‘I Love A Man In Uniform’

Furlough Fashion #566 – Mirrors On My Balls - 16 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #566 – Mirrors On My Balls. Could it be true? The bunting is up, the parquet in the main hall has been given a good buff, and the trestle tables are out and ready for a steady stream tea and coffee alongside cheesy hedgehogs, devilled eggs, vol au vents, and more. Kate’s no stranger to finger food and loves a range of salamis with her prawn ring and will grab any goujons in reach. But why all this prep I can’t hear you ask? Well, tomorrow is the 3rd anniversary of Furlough Fashi

Furlough Fashion #565 – Wickens Wednesday - PONCHO-M-G! 15 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #565 – Wickens Wednesday - PONCHO-M-G! It seems unsurprising that if tie-dye is back that ponchos wouldn’t be far behind. It’s an odd garment that sits somewhere between a supersized doily coaster and the knitted thing that you put over your toilet roll in the 1970s but Kate has fallen hard for its knitted delights since finding the online stores ‘Poncho & Judy’ and ‘My Square Lady’. She’s now the head poncho honcho at Queenswood Mansions and it’s all poncho-this and poncho that

Furlough Fashion #564 – To Dye For - 14 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #564 – To Dye For. It’s official, you heard it here first, tie-dye is back. This summer is going to be awash with highly saturated, neon colours staring at you from t-shirts like the irises of a thousand tripping hippies. Whether it’s the spiral, mandala or acid sunrise, retail and online shops are popping up all over the place. I have been asked to consult for Welsh entrepreneur Di Dillad who has a chain of shops you may have seen on your local high street. The first was ‘Dye H

Furlough Fashion #563 – Oui Are Les Champignon - 13 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #563 – Oui Are Les Champignon. I am exhausted from the weekend. We had our good friend Michel Là Corbeau staying with us this weekend. Originally from the French Quarter in Hull he is steeped in all the traditions that such a dual heritage would give you such as living near the wine slopes of Cottingham (Michel brought us a bottle of 2025 Chateau Endyke), the verdant concrete growing meadows of Bransholme and the Humbrol company and their unique tinlets of tricolour paint for co

Furlough Fashion #562 – Ham Busters - 10 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #562 – Ham Busters. On the second Friday of every fourth month (leap years not withstanding when it’s the first Thursday of every month without a ‘b’ in it) my copy of the amateur radio enthusiast’s magazine ‘Aerial View’ drops onto the mat. They write about all the non-digital channels such as SW, LW, FM and CB which I always loved. Where else can you hear the sentence “I was just headin’ back from the pickle park when I got in a Fender-bender with a Billy-Bunn and a Draggin Wa

Furlough Fashion #561 – Happy Chopper - 09 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #561 – Happy Chopper. I have been having helicopter lessons recently. As I’m sure most people in London find, you only have enough acreage for a small landing strip so it’s easier to have a helicopter for local trips and keep your Learjet for longer journeys (like when you’re not near a Waitrose). My hand-eye coordination is pretty good from years of handling my bongos and I get good reports from my trainer Scandinavian First Officer Nils Downalot who has been teaching me to fly

Furlough Fashion #560 - Am Dram Thank You Ma'am - 08 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #560 - Wickens Wednesday – Am Dram Thank You Ma’am. Our local performing arts club The Bialystock Dramaticals puts on very ambitious productions. They take classic musicals and give them a twist. Over the years we’ve seen the all-male ‘Pirates of Men’s Pants’, and ‘Thoroughly Modern Willie’, their Easter show was ‘Cadbaret’ about chocolate and fighting Nazi’s (set in the Kit Kat club), there was ‘Hello Dolly Mixtures’ performed in a derelict Woolworth’s, and then they hit on the

Furlough Fashion #559 – A Fridge Too Far - 07 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #559 – A Fridge Too Far. We’ve been having some issues with our current fridge, a tired old upright, which seems incapable of regulating its temperature. Some days you pull out a wiener so rigid you have to hit it against the work surface to break the frost off, and at others you fish around the back only to pull out a lukewarm and droopy cucumber. Luckily, a new fridge shop - ‘Frost in Space’ - has recently opened on the high street. It’s part of a chain owned by the Danish bil

Furlough Fashion #558 – A Tad Too Bad -06 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #558 – A Tad Too Bad. Sometimes song lyrics resonate with your life and this weekend it was ‘Bad Boys’ by Wham! which has lyrics that could have been written by Joseph Conrad: “Bad boys stick together, never sad boys. doo-doo-doo doo-doo Whoop woo! Good guys, they made rules for fools so, get wise, doo-doo-doo doo, doo da-doo-doo”. This chimed with my desire to dress all in black this weekend and I found the perfect outfit from a local shop called ‘Johnny’s Cash & Carry’ that se

Furlough Fashion #557 – Tell Me On A Sundae - 03 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #557 – Tell Me On A Sundae. The Persians have a Falooda, the Philippines Halo-Halo, and the Malaysians have Ais Kacang but in America and Britain we have the Knickerbocker Glory. First popularised in the 1920s, it’s thought to be named after the Knickerbocker Hotel in Manhattan, but most people of a certain age remember it as the classiest thing on the menu at a Wimpy Bar.

It’s a geologists favourite due to the various strata in this diabetic’s nightmare: ice cream, fruit, lash

Furlough Fashion #556 – Past the Parcel - 02 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #556 – Past the Parcel. Happenstance, or the law of unintended consequences cannot be underestimated. Keeping your eyes open to possibilities is a skill that needs to be nurtured so that you never find yourself staring into the mouth of any gift horses (or the other end for that matter). So, waking up late and realising that today’s fashion nugget would be extruded late in the day threw me into a spin. As I was driving the golf cart around the walk-in warehouse, I accidentally c

Furlough Fashion #555 – Wickens Wed - Dusty Old 12" - 01 March 2023

Furlough Fashion #555 – Wickens Wednesday - Dusty Old 12”. In the early days of our relationship Kate and I were big fans of Country, Country & Western, Country & Eastern, Punky & Western, Alt-Country, Psych-Country, Countryside & Western (rural English), Blackgrass (Goth version of bluegrass), and the extremely geographically niche Country & West End. I was also writing songs for artists on the ‘Rodeo Antenna’ record label and in a bid to impress Kate, I persuaded them to put out the album ‘Cow

Furlough Fashion #554 – Tat’s Entertainment - 28 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #554 – Tat’s Entertainment. Antiquing is big business in the UK with up to 7% of half of 62% of the total being spent on something dusty, rusty, fusty or musty. TV audiences love shows like Bruce Dickinson’s ‘Antique Metal Hunt’, ‘Cash Up Your Attic’, and vintage whip show ‘Flog It!’ I have started filming ‘The Last Auction Hero’ a new show where two competing teams have to tackle an assault course and hand to hand combat for a chance to get the best items from my ‘Credenza of

Furlough Fashion #553 – The Future Is Bright - 27 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #553 – The Future Is Bright. I have lived with orange all my life. When I was born the midwife dunked my head in a bucket of water thinking my head was on fire before she realised I was a ginger. I lived in a world where every trip out involved at least ten people tousling my bright orange bonce before the constant comments at school made me realise that I had a lot in common with carrots, copper-topped batteries, and Belisha Beacons. Out in the real world I was perplexed by que

Furlough Fashion #552 – Leap What You Sew - 24 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #552 – Leap What You Sew. Sometimes you just know that the weekend starts on Friday morning. Yes, you might have work to do and it’s officially one more sleep until the weekend proper but in your heart you know the weekend is here baby! That’s how I woke up this morning, bristling with weekend energy and I knew if I didn’t burn off some of the excess excitement I would being doing shots before breakfast. So, I ran to the dance studio and pulled on an outfit from one of my favour

Furlough Fashion #551 – Ship Happens - 23 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #551 – Ship Happens. Through my archive and research work for the ‘Major Minor’ blog I recently discovered another lost musical by that ivory tickling and lyrical maestro Cole Minor (See FF#284, 288, 342, and 403), composer of classic songs like 'Kiss Me On The Poopdeck', 'Crank the Handle Of My Music Box', and 'Tijuana Banana Mañana'. Some fragments of celluloid and a complete score were found for a film about gamblers on a steamer called ‘Paddle Me Faster Up The Mississippi’.

Furlough Fashion #550 – They Called It Preppy Love - 22 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #550 – And They Called It Preppy Love. From time-to-time Kate and I like to imagine that we met at an Ivy League university in the USA. I am Elliot Chodeburger V crossing the neatly clipped grass of the six-sided quadrangle to get to my Quantum English Lit class. I am resplendent in my buttoned-down shirt, a jumper draped across my shoulders casually knotted at the neck, and my chinos hovering gently above my soft suede brogues. Kate is Brittany Peyton-Place crossing from the ot

Furlough Fashion #549 – Thaw Of The Worlds - 21 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #549 – Thaw Of The Worlds. This morning I was out in the grounds having my morning constitutional and wearing a rakish faux-leather overcoat and gloves from ‘Fake Tanning’. As I was crossing the bridge between Kate’s herbaceous border and our topiary garden of superheroes (the Hulk works particularly well), I caught a whiff of Spring. Only a little whiff, mind you; maybe the tiniest poke of a primula above ground or the yawn of a tuber trying to shake off its perennation. It tri

Furlough Fashion #548 – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Shutter - 20 Feb 2023

Furlough Fashion #548 – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Shutter. Back in the day I studied film, video and photography. Well, I say photography, but the course was mostly semiotics and psychoanalysis of the inherent narrative of a constructed image formed of dialectic paradigms, taught by tired Marxists (Harpo and Groucho among them). Occasionally we took some pictures, but that was mostly accidental. If I’d got a pound every time someone used the phrase post-modern, I could have paid my tuition and re

Furlough Fashion #547 – Wash Fulfilment - 17 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #547 – Wash Fulfilment. I would go out tonight, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear. That’s because it’s the weekend of THE BIG CLEAN. Once a year, just ahead of the spring clean, I fire up the bank of German-made industrial Scheiß Große Waschmaschine’s housed in the basement of Queenswood Mansions and start batch washing everything item of clothing I own. This is to protect against moths, mould and mycelium. With every washed batch I get to shout “Let’s get ready to tumble!” as

Furlough Fashion #546 – In It to Pin It - 16 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #546 – In It to Pin It. When doing some recent renovation work on the north west corner of the south east wing of Queenswood Mansions the builders uncovered a bowling alley that the previous owners had inexplicably walled up. Bowling Alleys have been popular since the 1960s when the first modern lane was opened in Stamford Hill. Now they’re everywhere, such as the bowling and Japanese food franchise ‘Pins & Noodles’, the princess themed ‘Pinderella’ and Adele’s own combination a

Furlough Fashion #545 – Wickens Wed – I Love Dandy - 15 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #545 – Wickens Wednesday – I Love Dandy. I might have been dressed as Cupid for the VD celebrations yesterday morning, but Kate bested me by a country mile in the evening. She recently rediscovered the 80s fanzine she used to run – ‘Wild Girls’ - when her editor’s name was Kate Le Bon for some reason, and this gave her the idea to theme a new romantic Valentine’s evening. She had mined my fashion contacts for suitable outfitters and had ‘A Smock of Seagulls’ deliver the clothes

Furlough Fashion #544 – Bad Case of VD - 14 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #544 – Bad Case of VD. Yes, Valentine’s Day is upon us with its odd juxtaposition of a day that honours the martyrs of Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni by getting slushy with cards, chocolates and cuddly toys. It’s ironic that this tradition started in the UK given that we don’t talk about our feelings, and don’t even like talking about the fact that we don’t like talking about our feelings. But gooey poems are okay, such as: “roses are red and violets are blue, I think

Furlough Fashion #543 – When the Fun Stops, Strop! 13 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #543 – When the Fun Stops, Strop! Well, I’ve had my fun - a work free January of funemployment. I’ve indulged whims, avoided gyms, watched arthouse films (the lack of car chases and superheroes was as refreshing as a sorbet), alphabetised my tank tops and jerkins in the walk-in warehouse, rejigged furloughfashion.co.uk, taken long baths (at least 10 feet), polished Kate’s ornaments daily, and stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps with sweat in my eyes

Furlough Fashion #541 Spain In The Arts - 09 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #541 Spain In The Arts. It’s often the cliches we focus on from a culture. Americans think we English live in Downtown Abbey and have bad teeth and we think they all wear lurid golf pants and wrap their furniture in plastic. The French think we eat roast beef at every meal, and we think they have 2-day lunch breaks then they’re not striking. The Italians think we are bidet-less heathens who love to queue, while we think they are pasta-obsessed lovers of bunga bunga. As for the S

Furlough Fashion #540 – Wickens Wednesday - 08 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #540 – Wickens Wednesday – Does My Butler Look Big In This? Once a year Kate have a games tournament where the loser has to spend 24 hours as a butler to the other. One year I lost when we played ‘Operation’ (I didn’t find it humorous when I hit the funny bone), but the previous year Kate lost at Dungeons & Dragons when I rolled a 20 dealing +10 damage with my short-sword to Shaniah T’Wane, her Purple Dragon Minstrel, while she only got a glancing blow on Gygax the Considerable,

Furlough Fashion #539 – Casio-MG - 07 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #539 – Casio-MG. The most expensive synthesiser is the Emerson Moog Modular System (Moog as in The Simpsons’ bartender: ‘Mo’, not like what the cow says: ‘moo’). It’s $150,000 and if you look one up, you’ll see you also need a degree in cable-ology and the soldering capabilities of a Jedi master. I am a man of simpler tastes such as the pocket-sized perfection of a Casio keyboard. As George Bernard Shaw said: “Give me two octaves, some small knobs to poke and I will give you the

Furlough Fashion #538 – Balloonatics - 06 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #538 – Balloonatics. I’ve recently joined the Blowers Club, a local organisation that celebrates all things inflationary. They also love a nickname, and because of my rugged good looks, I got Rough-Puff Paul. The modern rubber balloon was invented by Michael Faraday. Yes, the man with the cage that showed a charge was only on the exterior of a charged conductor because the exterior charge redistributes in such a way that the interior fields cancel each other out. But I’m sure yo

Furlough Fashion #537 – Phantasm Addict - 03 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #537 –Phantasm Addict. The last in my selection for pop-culture magazine Shitegeist is similar in style to Monday’s choice ‘The Nether Regions’. ‘Take Me Up the Back Stairs’ is a long-forgotten horror late 60s anthology series where every week the host, Terrorlotta Dreadstone, would open the show with her tremulous cadence and say: “Though the rain doth lash my buttress and lightning crackleth o’er my finial, the fire burneth bright. Tonight I shall shareth with thee tales so te

Furlough Fashion #536 – The Apes of Wrath - 02 February 2023

Furlough Fashion #536 – The Apes of Wrath. Shitegeist IV. My penultimate choice is a 1950s show called ‘Bobo & The Hobo’. It only ran for six episodes, but DVDs of the original tapes go for big money. It’s about Dick Fitzwilliam a down on his luck drifter who befriends Bobo the gorilla who has run away from the circus. Each week they get into ‘hilarious scrapes’ (the critics did not agree) trying to make money for food. The episodes were: ‘The Ape Escape’ (how they met), ‘Ape Suzette’ (they caus

Furlough Fashion #535 Wickens Wed–Rumpy Pump Action Man - 01 Feb 2023

Furlough Fashion #535 Wickens Wednesday–Rumpy Pump Action Man. Shitegeist III. After the unexpected success of ‘Dirty Hairy’ a sequel was inevitable and so in 1977 we got ‘Dirty Hairy II – Magnum Fuzz’. Randy Thumper returned as the former Texas Cop wrongly accused of his wife’s murder, but now acquitted. Unfortunately, the people he got revenge on now want revenge on him so Bolt has to get re-revenge on his original revenge which is made more complicated when he runs into Fanny Moss who is out

Furlough Fashion #534 – Pump Action Man - 31 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #534 – Pump Action Man. Shitegeist II. Everyone remembers the big action stars: Norris, Seagal (known as Seagull to the crew because he would always nick people’s chips), Van Damme and Bronson. But at the low-budget end there were films that played fast and loose with morality and featured tough men who punched hard, drank hard and slept with a Magnum in their pants. I’m a huge fan of the films that don’t just scrape the bottom of the barrel, they carry on digging until they hit

Furlough Fashion #533 Shitegeist I - 30 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #533 Shitegeist I. ‘Shitegeist’ is a soon-to-be-launched pop culture magazine that focuses on the cult films and TV we loved despite low budgets, wonky sets and questionable acting. They have asked me to recreate scenes from my favourite productions and this week I will be sharing a sneak preview of these with you.

Today it’s ‘The Nether Regions’ written and hosted by lacquered smoothy Tod Curling. Yes, it was a knock-off of the Twilight Zone but it still produced some great t

Furlough Fashion #532 Wince Charming - 27 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #532 Wince Charming. When you have the kind of fashion credentials I have you get contacted by designers to consult, and model, new product lines. Recently, 80s-inspired fashion house ‘Highway2Gel’ (“We don’t scrimp on the crimp”) got in touch and asked me to advise on a range of clothing they’re producing that’s inspired by bands from the 80s and 90s. They had ‘Fine Young Camisoles’ and ‘Talking Threads’ but were struggling to come up with more product ranges. I suggested a few

Furlough Fashion #531 – Doc Succour - 26 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #531 – Doc Succour. Once upon a time we loved our Doctors and Nurses; we clapped for them and decorated our windows with rainbows. But our semi-elect Tory billionaires say they were socialist scum all along. Along with bus drivers, postal workers, fire fighters, civil servants, driving instructors, ambulance drivers, midwives, physiotherapists, teachers and court staff they’re all communist sleeper agents hiding in plain sight just waiting for the right time to bring down capita

Furlough Fashion #530 – Wickens Wednesday - 25 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #530 – Wickens Wednesday - That’s Why The Lady Is A Vamp. You may remember from FF#282* that Kate and I are huge fans of the low-budget schlock horror films of Spanner Studios (the company set up in a post-war spanner factory). We have been listening to the podcast ‘Invasion of the Bodice Snatchers’ presented by Spanner Scream Queen Vivania Üppig, who interviews many of back-in-the-day horror stars of yesteryear. Austrian born Vivania starred in such forgotten classics as ‘Count

Furlough Fashion #529 The Ape Of Things To Come - 24 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #529 The Ape Of Things To Come. People always bang on about ‘who’s your Who?’ i.e. the Doctor Who they grew up. But while the jellybeans, long scarves, flying cars and various Tardi (yes, that’s the plural) are all well and good I want to talk about ‘my Tarzan’. He was the earliest swinger, King of The Apes, the Loin King, best friends with a chimp and with stampeding elephants on speed dial. I watched all the Johnny Weissmuller films at an impressionable age but never really bo

Furlough Fashion #528 Son of a Stitch - 23 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #528 Son of a Stitch. I was recently in my local charity shop and picked up a copy of ‘Tough Pricks’ a book on expert needlework. There were sections on how to crochet a Quidditch uniform (‘Snitches Get Stiches’), how to turn your favourite adult movie stars into duvet covers (‘Quilty Secrets’), making big fabric pieces to hang on your wall in high and low temperatures (‘Hot & Cold Tapestries’), making decorative rope from armpit hair (‘Braid Pit’), and how single men can make a

Furlough Fashion #527 – TTFFIFFMF - 20 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #527 – TTFFIFFMF*. Sometimes you have to dive into the weekend with all the enthusiasm of a toddler jumping into a ball pit. So, with the beers chilled and a frosty bottle of Asti Spewmanti for Kate I’ll fire up the wheels of steel in ‘Studio 69’, Queenswood Mansions’ in-house disco, and blow up the week with 100+ BPM grooves. We’ll get out on the dancefloor where Kate loves to Bump, Grind, and does a mean Bus Stop, whereas I favour The Electric Slide followed by The Sprinkler,

Furlough Fashion #526 – Bald Fashioned - 19 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #526 – Bald Fashioned. According to research conducted by the BMJ (the Bald Men’s Journal) it’s been proven completely beyond a smidgen of a shadow of a doubt, with 110% accuracy, no takebacks, that bald men are undeniably and irrefutably sexy and super-hot. Even pasty, overweight, out of shape men who denude the remaining follicular vapour from their heads immediately become sexy-catnip. If you’ve got the locks then flaunt it but for every Kit Harrington, Orlando Bloom or Canoe

Furlough Fashion #525–Mermaid to Measure-Wickens Wednesday 18 Jan 2023

Furlough Fashion #525 – Mermaid to Measure - Wickens Wednesday. I recently bought a rare DVD of ‘Adventure At The Bottom’, a short-lived 1980’s TV series attempted to recreate the success of Irwin Allen’s productions from the 1970s (Towering Inferno, Lost In Space, Time Tunnel etc.). It focused on the crew of the Global Undersea World Marine International Secret Aquatic Defence Force’s flagship nuclear submarine The Barracuda. The hero of the series was the hunky Franco-Swedish Captain, Tor Pier

Furlough Fashion #524 – Thrust a Gigolo - 17 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #524 – Thrust a Gigolo. Ever since the young me saw ‘Thunderball’ (film not lottery), and the moment where James Bond dons a jet pack to escape SPECTRE, I have dreamed of strapping on something with so much power. Well, recently I was lucky enough to be contacted by ‘Pocket Rocket’, a start-up whose aim is to have a jet pack in every backpack by 2030. They had read my blog ‘Jets Get Ready to Rumble’ bemoaning the lack of jet packs available to the public and saying that although

Furlough Fashion #523 – Jolly Bean Giant - 16 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #523 – Jolly Bean Giant. Coffee is a serious business. 1 in 5 people visit a coffee shop every day, the coffee bean is the second most traded commodity in the world, and the second most consumed beverage after water and Finland is the world's biggest consumer of coffee on a per-person basis (avg. 4 cups p/day). Our beans are bought from ‘Jolly Bean Giant’ (their slogan is “Magic Beans for a Magic Coffee-fi-fo-fum”). Kate likes a French press whereas I like to grind, but we have

Furlough Fashion #522 - Shellac To The Future - 3 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #522 - Shellac To The Future. The weekend is nigh, and I intend to be spending a large part of it in the audiophile wing of Queenswood Mansions holed up in my Disc-a-torium. I’m super-excited as I have just upgraded my turntable from the rare Kranzdinkenschwarzebahnoffervergeitz IV (FF#52, May 2020) to a Kranzdinkenschwarzebahnoffervergeitz V which came up on eBay recently. The mark V includes a more robust WNK-A Tangential Tonearm but I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that. Thi

Furlough Fashion #521 – Bubble & Strife - 12 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #521 – Bubble & Strife. During the winter months, when the wind is whipping at the toggles on your cagoule, the rain is double extra wet, and the cold gets to you on a cellular level, the bath provides a welcome respite from the elements. Having a bath isn’t the same as the flippant wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am of the shower; it’s an indulgence, a way of slowing time and steeping yourself like a teabag. With that in mind I had the bathroom in the upper southwest corner of the east w

Furlough Fashion #520 – Hats The Way I Like It – Wickens Wed 11 Jan

Furlough Fashion #520 – Hats The Way I Like It – Wickens Wednesday. Hat heads; some of us have them and some of us don’t. For example, when Cillian Murphy puts on a Baker’s Boy flat cap he becomes a sexier, more smoulderinger superstar. If I put one on it’s more like Peaky Blunders. I’ve tried them all, beanie, bearskin, beret, bowler, topper, cloche, fez, homburg, kova tembel, peaked, pillbox, shako, shovel, trucker, and zucchetto, but while some look okay (Kate says a full-face Balaclava reall

Furlough Fashion #519 – Bitten Hard - 10 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #519 – Bitten Hard. Following on from yesterday wrestling nostalgia my mind turned to the gritty dramas of the decade. Much as I love the cop dramas of the 1970s with their 500 GPEs (‘Guvs’ per episode) I don’t think there is any substitute for the loner, the P.I. with a bottle of hard liquor in one hand and a fist in the other. There are the popular series like ‘Baretta’, ‘Mannix’, or ‘The Manhunter’ as well as the lesser-known series like ‘McD’, Clown Detective’, and the long-

Furlough Fashion #518 – A Grapple A Day - 09 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #518 – A Grapple A Day. We may all be expected to wrestle with maths problems nowadays but back in the 70s the most popular kind of wrestling was done at teatime on World of Sport. It was an age of local halls thick with cigarette smoke and sagging rings. We tuned in to see Dickie but the real stars were middle-aged men in pants, with bodies that speak of 40 Woodbine a day, 24 hour fried breakfasts and Watney’s Red Barrel by the gallon. Who can forget Dick McAnnus, Kelvin Hirosh

Furlough Fashion #517 – Balloony Tunes - 06 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #517 – Balloony Tunes. Go back long enough in musical history and there were very few categories of music and even fewer ways of playing them. In the modern age we are now drowning in formats and can stream millions of songs across hundreds of services, and can listen on our phones, portable radiograms, or through our house via wireless speakers. Music currently offers a bewildering array of genres such as rhythm and prog-mariachi, deep-skiffle, squit-pop, skulltronic, deep shal

Furlough Fashion #516 – Nostrad’anus Speaks! - 05 January 2023

Furlough Fashion #516 – Nostrad’anus Speaks! At the start of the New Year I like to cast my gaze into the mystic tunnel and stare deeply into the murky chasm of ethereal otherworldliness and poke about in the fundament and push aside the ectoplasm, all in a bid to see what the future might hold for us fragile mortals. So, with respectful gravity, I draw back the curtain to my Clairvoyant Cupboard and, from my range of Crystal Balls, select the one with the biggest aura.

So, here are some of th

Furlough Fashion #515 Always Believe In – Wickens Wednesday - 4 Jan

Furlough Fashion #515 Always Believe In – Wickens Wednesday. What with all the festivities, the bank holidays in lieu of special days, none of us have known whether we were supposed to be adding turkey to every meal (including porridge), taking the bins out, going to work or just peeling our pyjamas off like PVA glue so we can break our long abstinence from washing. I woke in a panic today realising it was the most important day of the week, Wednesday and remembered a shot from New Year’s Eve.

Furlough Fashion # Who Put the Cock In The Cocktail? - 01 January 2023

Furlough Fashion # Who Put the Cock In The Cocktail? We’ve managed to drag ourselves out of the quicksand of 2022 and give it the finger before we jump optimistically into the arms of 2023 and whisper in its ear “Be gentle with me”.

But sadly, there are those that didn’t make it out of the quicksand such as my lovely Dad, my Uncle Raymond and the two friends of my age that hit me like gut punches. Also, with age, comes the loss of the people who have been pop culture markers throughout your li

Furlough Fashion #513 O Come All Ye Fashion Faithful -25 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #513 O Come All Ye Fashion Faithful. Kate loves Christmas and can’t wait to stick the tree up and get her twinkles out. She handles baubles like a pro and her box of tinsel* glistens with Christmas joy. I am happy to take a backseat and just keep filling her mug up with lashing of creamy eggnog. So, from the roaring fire in the East Wing of Queenswood Mansions Kate and I wish you all a fantabulous, fashionista Christmas full of good cheer and may your excessive mastication be eq

Furlough Fashion #512 Bonus Wickens Thursday - 22 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #512 Bonus Wickens Thursday. One of our neighbours throws a Christmas party every year, usually with a theme. There’s been the Masked Ball, I went as Jason and Kate went as a Fembot from the Six Million Dollar Man, the Under the Sea Ball where Kate went as Ariel from the Little Mermaid and I went as Sebastian (“darlin’ it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me”) and last year was Vicars and Tarts where Kate went as Geraldine Granger, and I went as a Cherry Bakewell.

Furlough Fashion #511 I Love A Brazilian - 21 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #511 I Love A Brazilian. What is it about Christmas that we go nuts for nuts. I understand figs at Christmas as you eat so much crap that you need some organic dynamite to deal with landslides blocking your Khyber Pass, so to speak. But nuts, well they’re a different matter. My earliest memories of Christmas involve bewilderment at the sacks of walnuts, monkey nuts, Brazil nuts, and mountains of peanuts all being threatened by the nutcracker. The ominous nutcracker, sitting righ

Furlough Fashion #510 Sheer Enjoyment - 20 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #510 Sheer Enjoyment. One of the great luxuries of being gainfully unemployed is that, apart from dragging on jogging bottoms to go to the newsagents to buy milk, spit on a copy of The Sun, and pick up a brace of Snickers, you can wear what you like. I am allowing myself a few days post-ployment to indulge in not having to take a golf cart through the walk-in warehouse to pick out today’s look. But I keep a selection of easy-on-easy-off clothes in my en suite wardrobe including

Furlough Fashion #509 Utter Grastard - 19 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #509 Utter Grastard. I was rummaging through my memory box at the weekend and found this promotional picture from my time as a Vermillion Blazer at Puntins which was a very specialised holiday camp founded by Greek tycoon Paro Nomasia, a man who loved a pun or any kind of linguistic hilarity. Even his wife enjoyed a tongue twister every day after cocktails. Every room had a homophone to call switchboard and every dining room place setting was laid with a knife, fork and spooneri

Furlough Fashion #508 Lord of the Smoulderings - 16 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #508 Lord of the Smoulderings. Today is my last day in my current job, and after many months of dressing with restraint (not in an S&M sense you must understand) I have decided that it’s time that my colleagues see what happens when the fashion valves are opened, and they can experience the full force of pure unadulterated fashion in the face.

As most of you will know from your own trend-watching, smooth chests, oversized jackets with the sleeves pushed up and free flowing, li

Furlough Fashion #507 You Wood, Wouldn’t You? - 15 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #507 You Wood, Wouldn’t You? There are a lot of men’s outdoors magazines on the market. You know the ones, where sturdy men are pictured in various stages of undress handling wood in some manner or other: joinery, shaved, turned or split in twain with a huge chopper. Some of you out there probably subscribe to one or more titles like ‘The Plaid Lad’, ‘Check You Out’, ‘Bark & Bite’, ‘Top Chopper’, ‘Count My Rings’, or the park police’s magazine ‘It’s A Fair Copse’. Well, ‘Hunk By

Furlough Fashion #506 I Rink Therefore I Am-Wickens Wed - 14 Dec 2022

Furlough Fashion #506 I Rink Therefore I Am. It’s that time of year when ice rinks start popping up everywhere like mole hills on a perfectly manicured lawn. At Queenswood Mansions we are no exception and have set up the Ethel Muckelt Ice Gazebo down near Kate’s Christmas grotto, something she opens every year (It’s tradition that every year I dress up as Santa, slip into Kate’s Grotto the night before Christmas and empty my sack).

Ice skating was invented by the Finns around 5000 years and th

Furlough Fashion #505 Put Yourself In Smarm’s Way - 13 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #505 Put Yourself In Smarm’s Way. Whatever happened to smarm? It’s derived from the smearing (or smalming) of pomade on hair even if I did it was a fizzy apple drink. Research suggests that it has all but disappeared from common usage despite its meaning of toadying, obsequiousness, getting-on-the-right-side-of, and lame culos, as the Spanish say, being well and truly on the rise. Well, that’s all about to change.

I get regular calls from the advertising industry to help copyr

Furlough Fashion #504 Who Do You Pink You Are? - 12 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #504 Who Do You Pink You Are? How many animals can you name; for the sake of argument, say, rhinoceroses, tigers, cats or mink. I’m pretty convinced you’ll have trouble thinking about the cat that’s groovier than all of them combined. This animal is rinky-dink, it’s polite, one might say scholarly, and definitely an acrobat from head to toe. Yes, it’s a panther that is positively pink, or to give it it’s full Latin name: Panthera Roseus Panthera.

I was captivated by the cartoo

Furlough Fashion #503 Highway to Helmet - 09 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #503 Highway to Helmet. Sometimes, to relax, instead of noodling on my archtop (you get such a lovely sound out of the f-holes) or my didgeridoo (Kate calls it a ‘didgeridon’t’) I like to head to the helmet room in Queenswood Mansions for some Zen time. Not many people know what an avid collector of head protection. It’s very important to keep your head safe when performing dangerous feats or acrobatic derring-do. My helmetorium has shelves lined with many fine examples, from th

Furlough Fashion #502 Grippy Kay Aye - 08 December 2022

Furlough Fashion #502 Grippy Kay Aye. Emerging back into the world has coincided with the fact that I’ll soon be back on the job market and must remember the things that have lost me jobs in the past. I don’t do well at the end of interviews when they ask, “Do you have any questions for us?”. FYI don’t ask things like “Do you know the name for the back of the knees?”, “Does this look like a boil or a sore to you?” or “Draw me like one of your French girls”.

I have also noticed that some men gr

Furlough Fashion #501 Wickens Wednesday – Slippery slope - 07 Dec 2022

Furlough Fashion #501 Wickens Wednesday – Slippery slope. Forgive me for I have sinned against the Sartorial Satyrs, the Crusaders of Couture, and the Mavens of A La Mode. It’s been 88 days since the highs of Furlough Fashion #500, and wracked with elation and flooded with endolphins, I was spent. I locked up the walk-in warehouse and retreated, Howard Hughes-like, to the Queenswood Mansions’ eyrie where I collected urine in jars (not my own, that would be weird) and wore minimal clothing like s

Furlough Fashion - Knit's A Wonderful Life #293 03 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Knit's A Wonderful Life. This week has shown us the first creeping signs of Autumn and we must prepare for steamed up glasses, finding 1 glove out of 2, scarves, dog poo hiding under leaves, thinking about electric blankets and stocking up on Heinz tomato soup. So I popped down to the walk-in warehouse and started going through suitable clothes.

Being a consummate fashionista I know you will be looking to me for what colours are going to be in this season so I put this look

Furlough Fashion - Who Watches the Watchers #292 02 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Who Watches the Watchers. Having had more time on my hands in recent months I got involved with Neighbourhood Watch. I had intended to join the Neighbourhood Swatch group so I could sell and trade selection of paint swatches which include rare items like 'Beige of Consent', 'Spume', 'Back2TheFuchsia', 'Dandruff', 'Gordon's Shame', and 'Zomp'.

However, now I'm in Neighbourhood Watch I find it strangely enjoyable. As Queenswood Mansions is situated in an effluent upper-lower-up

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Guest Wednesday #291 01 September 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Guest Wednesday. There have been many reboots of the Charlie Angels franchise but none have focused on maths. But thanks to a night out with Fashionista Jemma Lockett and cowbell expert Kate (Wickotron) Wickens this is set to change. Jemma and Kate not only love to throw shapes but appreciate the angles contained within their borders, and unlike Diana Ross they know more than 3 degrees.

So together we have worked up a pitch for 'Charlie's Angles', where three maths ge

Furlough Fashion - Back in Sheer Black #290 31 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back in Sheer Black. The annual wash is over, the Jumperloompas have been paid well above minimum wage and sent on their way, and the walk-in warehouse now smells like a summer meadow riding a florists into a perfume shop. While my clothes were getting wet and enjoying a good tumble I kept a minimal set of clothes back for the week (mostly the things that, like me, need a good hand wash) including this delightfully diaphanous outfit from Cumbrian outfitters 'Boudoir Friends in

Furlough Fashion - My Beautiful Laundrette #289 20 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - My Beautiful Laundrette. Down in the deep dark labyrinthine basement of Queenswood Mansions lurks a vast array of industrial washers and dryers that for 358 days of the year lay dormant like slumbering giants. But once a year I warn the National Grid before powering up the basement generator and goods elevator and calling in the scores of fashion-savvy workers (or Jumperloompas, as I call them) to help me undertake the annual wash and dry clean of everything in the walk-in war

Furlough Fashion - Rootin' Tootin' Thursday #288 19 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Rootin' Tootin' Thursday. I'm sure the cult TV fans amongst you will remember the short-lived 1970's show 'Fanny Might Get Her Gun' featuring Amber Redgreen as Fanny the Ambivalent Gunslinger. It was an ill-conceived attempt by Dutch counter-culture film director Kurt Von Brusque to break into television. He might have been renowned for cult classics such as 'The Penny Farthing Killers', 'Contradicto', 'Tilt', 'The Insufferable Tightness of Seeing' and 'Je Moet Tijd Over Hebbe

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Big Hair Wednesday #287 18 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Big Hair Wednesday. Some people say you shouldn't drink and style hair but I think you'll agree this picture tells a different story. Last night was Tequila Tuesday and amidst a boisterous singalong to our 'I Drink Therefore I Am' Spotify playlist Kate went off to find more margarita mix. She was gone from Dr. Feelgood's 'Milk and Alcohol' all the way to 'Beer Barrel Polka' by the Andrew Sisters but when she came back she was brandishing a box containing an array of it

Furlough Fashion - Better Pout than In #285 16 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Better Pout than In. The perspicacity of pert lips is something I take very seriously. I have a number of morning regimens to ensure this fashionista stays looking taut and alert and avoids sagging and slippage. I do 200 pouting reps, 50 left-eyebrow raises (there's nothing like attaching a sky-high eyebrow to a withering look) and 100 nostril flares. I then move onto the workout developed by French gym instructor Anne Erobic which creates fab abs and targets the biceptuals an

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #284 13 August 2021

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks - final in the series #5 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink and splendification of spirits is dedicated to the 1930s songwriter and lyricist Cole Minor who made millions from his work on Broadway shows like 'Ten Tiny Toes', 'Hitch Your Wagon', 'The Gay Bachelor', 'Kiss Me On The Poopdeck' and 'Small Venus'.

He wrote some of the biggest tunes of his age such as 'Don't Be So Beastly, Mrs Priestley', 'Crank the Handle Of My Music Box', 'Go Nuts For

Furlough Fashion - Oh Captain, my Captain #283 12 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Oh Captain, my Captain. It was on this day in 1930 that Clarence Birdseye was granted a patent for his frozen food process, little did he know this would spawn one of the most iconic characters in television and film: Captain Birdseye.

Everybody has their favourite Bond (Connery, Craig, Premium or Brooke) or their favourite Doctor (Baker, Pertwee, Zhivago or & The Medics) and my favourite Captain is Captain Birdseye. Not just any of them, but the original, portrayed by actor

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wailing Wednesday #282 11 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wailing Wednesday. Kate and I have been indulging in a Spanner Horror film marathon. These are titles made between 1950 and 1978 at Spanner Film Studios; so called because the company set up in an old post-war spanner factory.

Today we are recreating one of our favourite films 'Dr. Mesmo and The Cabinet of Calamities' from 1956, the one where Dr. Mesmo hates good looking people and invents the 'Lemonator Ray' which makes people feel they have been sucking lemons and f

Furlough Fashion - Handling 16mm #281 10 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Handling 16mm. At the weekend I was rummaging through some boxes in the south wing of the loft at Queenswood Mansions and found my Bolex. I haven't seen my Bolex since I did my degree in Film, Photography and the Pretentious Arts back in the late 80s. How fondly I don't remember all those lectures on the post-modernist hegemony and psychoanalytical dialecticism of semiotic discourse in sex, text and politics, patriarchal fundamentalism and the atavism of capitalist doctrine.

Furlough Fashion #280 09 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - The Montagues and the Capulets, the Sharks and the Jets, the Starks and the Lannister's, the Hatfield's and the McCoy's, the Campbells and MacDonald's, the Autobots and Decepticons; all warring factions. And so it is with Spots and Stripes, so often to be found at opposite sides of the tracks or at either side of the dancefloor at the school disco. Well I say no more! There is enough prejudice in the world without fashion adding to the problem.

So, today I have scoured my wal

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #4 #279 06 August 2021

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #4 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and tipple to toast is dedicated to Ronnie Egg the Gentleman-Geezer barman who single handedly gentrified the East End bar scene in the noughties. Before Ronnie, the East End was a demilitarised zone where people would put on Pitbull tea dances, or bet on what to bet on, smoke and drink brown beer and fizzy lager in order to wash away the memory of a hard day down the Pasta Mines owned by Wait

Furlough Fashion - Gig Day! #278 05 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Gig Day! So, tonight's the night when I play live music on stage for the first time since 2019. I take to the stage with Skylon so we can bring you our relaxed pastoral songs...with a razor-storm of ear-bleeding SHREDDING! plus time and space warping power chords! I'm giving Furlough Fashion fans a sneak peak behind the curtain at my outfit for tonight and will share a few of my guitar secrets.

It's a little known fact that TV's Fred Dinenage (from 'How') is a legendary guita

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Wednesday #277 04 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Wednesday: Unlike the photographic studio, ballroom, nightclub, arboretum, the various bars and games rooms, not all of the rooms at Queenswood Mansions have a practical purpose. Take for example the Green Grotto. Kate loves a grotto. She loves a grotto so much I think she has undiagnosed with grottofelia, so we commissioned the Dutch master of grottological architecture, Ruben Gat Indringer who did a fabulous job converting the old ice room in the basement into a ver

Furlough Fashion - Retro Tuesday #276 03 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Retro Tuesday. As a society we have never been more nostalgic for nostalgia, so I have been thinking of setting up a YouTube channel to celebrate the 1970s, that decade of flares, mullets, ponchos, Spirograph, Evel Knievel, Punk, Disco, Jaws, Rollerball and Bugsy Malone. Of course, nostalgia ignores the the Vietnam War, the Oil Crisis, sexism & crimplene.

Anyway, I digress. I am preparing my first project 'The Probe', a review show featuring my snake-hipped alter-ego Peter Fl

Furlough Fashion - Daily Grind #2 - 275 02 August 2021

Furlough Fashion - Daily Grind #2. There are some Mondays when you never fully wake up and sleep clings to you like that tiny bit of static plastic that never lets go after you have unwrapped something. Today was one of those days; like shoelaces that formed a Gordian Knot I could barely disentangle myself from our summer tog duvet and pull on the designer housecoat I bought from 'Chores Sincerely'.

The only thing to do was to grind my beans early than my usual mid-morning plunge. So I headed

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #3 #274 30 July 2021

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #3 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and quickness to quench is dedicated to Queenie Martini the doyenne of 1970s night life. Her hedonism was legendary and, with her tousled bob and a cocktail dress, she ruled the underground club scene well into the 90s. She ran warehouse parties and illegal raves and opened straight nights, gay nights, TV nights, Cabaret nights and more. She once said the only thing she wouldn't open was a let

Furlough Fashion - Diabetes sucks! #273 29 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Diabetes sucks! "What happened to your lollipop business?", I have had so many people not ask me. The 'Big Suckers' range I announced in May this year didn't go so well as they would have retailed at £500 per lollipop, so I had to change direction. Like myself, diabetics are everywhere now and our tolerant society allows us to drive, hold down jobs and even stay in their pre-diabetic relationships, whereas even 15 years ago we would have been cast out to live in a sugar-free w

Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday: Show Us Your Cop #272 28 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Show Us Your Cop! Kate and I have been binge watching some old cop shows from the 1970s and discovered a little known show that only ran for 6 episodes: 'Fists of Justice' which featured husband & wife crime-fighting team Lancelot & Ophelia Fist. Lancelot Fist is an International Architect/Pilot and Mountain Climber who got lost during a expedition and was saved by the Shaolin Monks of Shangri-La who trained him in the deadly art of Dǐ-kǒng. Ophelia Fist is

Furlough Fashion - Titanic Tuesday #271 27 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Titanic Tuesday. these last few days I have been traversing the country from London to Liverpool in order to work on a new musical project. News of a gig will follow, but I wanted give you lovely people a sneak-peak at the instrument I will doing some robust plucking on. It's been years in development, and over 500 people have been involved, from drawing board to construction, and it's called The Hulkulele. It's a marvel.

Part of the reason for working with Liverpool-based mu

Furlough Fashion - The Daily Grind #270 26 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - The Daily Grind. As I've got older I have realised I like things a lot hotter than I did in my youth. Hot, salty and peppery are my new holy trinity so I was therefore cock-a-hoop to have discovered 'Grinder' who abide by the simple rule set out on Wikipedia: "grind hard between two revolving abrasive surfaces separated by a distance usually set by the user". They have an outlet for their wares in a backstreet near Kings Cross and offer a full range of sizes from the 'Piccolo'

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #269 23 July 2021

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and thirst for thirst is dedicated to the King of Shaker Makers, the Welsh Wizard of Wetting One's Whistle: Aneurin Bevvy. Aneurin worked in the grand bar of Wales' plushest hotel The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hilton.

It was here that he created stylish cocktails such as the Snowdonia: a snowball chilled using ice from the mountain top, The No.2: dark Kahlúa w

Furlough Fashion - Nice Tips #268 22 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Nice Tips. When the mercury starts to rise, the best place to be at Queenswood Mansions is in the games room which is fitted with a 'Frost In Space 3000' air conditioner and also has a bar which we rescued from 'The Queen's Legs' which closed in 2010. We can kick back with a cold beer and play a game of Pool and interestingly, some historians say that the 'Pool' was derived from the French word 'poule' because the prize for winning such games was often a chicken.

The Games r

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Dance Yourself #267 21 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Dance Yourself Fizzy. Most people know that Kate loves to dance, especially when drink has been taken and I have even seen her get up and dance to someone's ringtone and a novelty doorbell before. I only dance on months with hen's teeth in them but since we had the Queenswood Mansions' ballroom floor re-sprung, Kate has persuaded me to get me on the bouncy wood to learn some more moves.

So far, we've got to grips with classics like the Mango (a tropical ver

Furlough Fashion - Hot Spot #266 20 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Hot Spot. In this heat my mind always wanders to sub-Saharan Africa and the big cats that roam free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows. I've always been partial to a leopard and have been developing a range of sexy big cat costumes with online retailer 'Purrverts'. In the same way that people like Dr. Pimple Popper like to squeeze spots, I like to paint the spots, or rosettes as they are known, them on fabric as it sends the mind into a Zen state. This outf

Furlough Fashion - The Cycle of Life #265 19 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - The Cycle of Life. I've never been one for cycling. As a pre-Teen I couldn't wait to get my hands on a Chopper and try out all 3 gear knob positions but my parents got me a Tomahawk which didn't have a knob to use (pretty much the story of my teenage years). But as an adult, the bike was just something that I only ever saw on the pavement when a courier was coming towards me.

But this year, as I was walking down the fast food part of our local high street, in between 'The Fry

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #264 16 July 2021

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, benediction of the bladdered and crapulous credentials is dedicated to one of the best examples of nominative determinism, Bill Barman. Despite hailing from Yorkshire he emigrated to America in the 1920s and became the fabled landlord of New York watering hole 'The Eh Up'. He was also known by many other names given to him by the regulars: Bill the Bastard, Bastard Bill, Big Bastard Bill and s

Furlough Fashion - Jeans on Post #263 15 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Jeans on Post. I have been in the market for a new pair of jeans recently so had to navigate the over-crowded market with so many designer brands from Levi Strauss, the waltzing businessman of the 1850s, Pepe, which are black with the distinctive white stripe, Wrangler, named after the wrinkled anglers who first popularised them and Gloria Vanderbilt, which were first built by Gloria Vander.

I eschewed stonewashed, faded, ripped, skinny, boot cut, half cut, pedal pushers and

FF SR 262 14 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Gilt Trip. You may remember the 'Solid Gold Cubbyhole' from April 2020, well Kate and I decided to take inspiration from this and create a bigger room; 79 square meters to be precise in honour of gold's atomic number. So, we knocked through from the tradesman's entrance at Queenswood Mansions and took out part of the vintage car garage and walk-in humidor to create a fully fledged Boudoir D'or. You'll be pleased to know that we didn't have to touch the wine

Furlough Fashion - Believe in the Sleeve #261 13 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Believe in the Sleeve. During one of the many cosplay days that happen at Queenswood Mansions I was routing around in my Wizard's sleeve, all fingers and thumbs, trying to pull out my wand before a particularly explosive expelliarmus went off, and I was shocked to realise I had never given sleeves the respect they are due.

Evolving from the hanging fabric of academic robes, sleeves became more fitted in the 14th century before modern manufacturing brought us the many variati

Furlough Fashion - Buongiorno amanti della moda #260 12 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Buongiorno amanti della moda. From my extensively poor knowledge of football rules I believe Italy now own England as a result of their win yesterday. At least Mario Draghi couldn't do any worse than the duplicitous, misshapen, bag of dirty washing that we currently have as Prime Minister. I for one, have decided to embrace my inner-Nonna and got up bright and early and say ciao to the day and start learning the culinary arts of the Bel Paese.

I've been coming up with all kin

Furlough Fashion - Ball In The Net Bonus. #259b 11 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Ball In The Net Bonus. Those who know me well, know of my huge love for European American Football and will not be surprised that I have been counting the sleeps since our brave cockney millionaires took on the bacon people last Wednesday. So this weekend I sold a kidney and bought the official Ingerlan kit from JD Direct (because who doesn't love the smell of rubber and despair in their shops) and today I will be peacocking up and down in my licenced shoulder-padded top and E

Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks No.1 #259 09 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #1. From now on Fridays will be a celebration of our devotion to drink, the love of libation, our benediction of booze, the inculcation of being in your cups. Each Friday I will be dressing as one of those fine people who work on the 'wrong side of the bar', those fine bartenders and mixologists who work hard so we can guzzle down a pint of something bitter, knock back a stiff one or pull the umbrella out of something fruity.

Today it's 'Untold

Furlough Fashion - Let's Get Physical #258 08 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Let's Get Physical. People have often commented on how I keep my figure so trim during lockdown. Well, I can reveal I have my own regimen called 'Fashionetics'. It draws from many disciplines including gymnastics, weights, extreme-house work, Boxolology and utilising on my black belt in origami. I get up at sunrise and pull on the exercise girdle and rayon shift I bought at 'Squat the Dickens' in Worksop, and head up to the sun deck of Queenswood Mansions' South Tower to face

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Criss-Cross Wednesday #257 07 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Criss-Cross Wednesday. Over recent weeks I've been looking at reinvigorating some old film franchises. One idea was to bring back a certain fedora wearing, whip-wielding hero but with a gender-twist as Indiana Jane, to be filmed in a exotic location and featuring a villain who is controlling one of the ten Hindu Goddesses: 'Indiana Jane & The Kali Bali Ding Dong'. I am also working on a comedy version of the horror series Nightmare on Elm Street series. This would dia

Furlough Fashion - Back to the Fuchsia II #256 06 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - Back to the Fuchsia II. You will of course remember my outfit from 20 November 2020, bought from purveryors of pink 'Back to the Fuchsia'. Well they got in touch recently to let me know they had a sale on their exclusive boudoir wear, and I can't resist the tease of a teddy. So I got this diaphanous outfit - called 'Rose Coquin' - from their Paris branch. 'Ooh La La' I hear you cry or 'la vache!', 'Quel génie!' or 'L'ancien singe roux me jette du caca'.

Having recently turned

Furlough Fashion - DDJ Breakfast #255 05 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - DDJ Breakfast. You've got to take care of yourself as you get older, so I take vitamin supplements such as A,B and C, because it's as easy as 1-2-3 and do-re-mi. But I did overdo it on the Omega-3 and took so many more than the recommended dose I started to find it easier to breath underwater. I wasn't worried until was carrying my bowl of sugar-less, Russian cereal 'Scorn Flakes' to the kitchen-sauna and tripped, landing as you see me here. That's when I discovered that too m

Furlough Fashion - National Ladder Day #254 02 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - National Ladder Day. It hardly seems a year since the last National Ladder Day and it's also exciting that this comes off the back of 'Old Man Shouting At People in the Park Day'. No sooner as I have managed to recover my voice from Tuesday's park-shouting then I have to get ready for this special day. National Ladder Day started back in 2020 when the Ladder Marketing Board were trying to reverse a downturn in sales. I was called in by a friend to help with how to make ladders

Furlough Fashion - PPFDOTM #252 01 July 2021

Furlough Fashion - PPFDOTM. 1st July 2020: I was groggy from sleep and standing in front of the teapot waiting for it to brew and contemplating life, when the larder door next to me exploded open and Kate launched herself at me screaming "PINCH, PUNCH, FIRST OF THE MONTH!" She then proceeded to tweak my right nipple so hard I thought it was going to pop, and then delivered a devastating haymaker which laid me out cold on the kitchen floor. The worst things about this was that by the time I came

Furlough Fashion - Wickens and Wares Wednesday #252 30 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens and Wares Wednesday. I've long been an admirer of street vendors who ply their wares al fresco so I have invested in my own food business. In clearing out my parent's house I found a book of recipes that harked back to the Old Country (Essex) and have long since been lost to culinary history. Well, no longer the anals of cookery-past as I am bringing back the Burple Pie and Spaffles that my Great Grandmother would have made for her 32 children in her one-room garret fl

Furlough Fashion - Warrafrakenarzoles Tuesday #251 29 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Warrafrakenarzoles Tuesday. It's hard to believe but it's 'Old Man Shouting At People in the Park Day' again. It's an annual event sponsored by 'Wütend Sherry' made by the P. Pantz Distillery in the German town of Betrunken. They are purveyors of fortified wines that could bring down a rhino. I've been doing this for a few years now but being jobless this year I had the time to really go for it and spend all day in the park (as opposed to my usual hour at lunch).

You get a p

Furlough Fashion - Cryptic Monday #250 28 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Cryptic Monday. Some like it quick, some like it hard but whichever way you do it Crosswords are a firm favourite for millions of people around the world. Whether you find it hard to take 1 down or wrestle with 3 across we all enjoy being teased on a daily basis by them even if we sometimes have to leave a gap for someone else to fill in.

I've found that, in my busy schedule, I don't have time to wash, dress, have breakfast AND do the crossword so I came up with a paper Tuni

Furlough Fashion - Whiplash Away the Week #249 25 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Whiplash Away the Week. Back in April (16th to be precise) I advocated the 'Whip-it-Thin; diet which successfully helped me lose weight. It got quite a lot of interest online and it turns out that there are a lot people out there who use whips for other reasons. I was using the whip to dominate the diet market but it turns out the market isn't the only things that likes to be dominated. I started getting a lot of enquiries from interested parties who want me to help them relie

Furlough Fashion - Myths and Legends Thursday #248 24 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Myths and Legends Thursday. Since I was a child I have been fascinated by the Roman and Greek Gods and Goddesses. All those incredible divine figures led by the managing director of Gods, the rhyming Dr. Zeus ("If things aren't right, then smite I might. I might smite you with bolts, some lightning from height"). I used to read all the Ladyblurred books (we couldn't afford the proper Ladybird books) and can still remember the pointing Goddesses Hera and Thera, the god of ferti

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Woodwind Wednesday #247 23 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Woodwind Wednesday. Kate has recently decided to rekindle her childhood love of wind instruments. You have to be pretty embouchure of yourself to take them on so Kate tried the flute, but found that was better for her morning champagne, things kept getting caught in her clarinet and she tried playing my piccolo but it was too small for her. So Kate went back to basics and started with the classic recorder. She bought a teaching book, 'Fipple Flute Favourites', which pr

Furlough Fashion - Wise cracking Tuesday #246 22 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wise cracking Tuesday. There's something about a rainy day that inspires the viewing of black and white films and I am always drawn to both the moody cool of noir films or the screwball comedy. My favourite noirs are films like 'The Postman Always Sings Nice', the smouldering tale of the sexy singing posty who delivers letters round the back, 'The Malteser Falcon', about the rare Cadbury statue and 'Touch of Weevil', in which the weevil is a metaphor for the burrowing and dest

Furlough Fashion - Holiday Memories #245 21 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Holiday Memories. Furlough Fashion is back from its hols and I thought I would share a photo from our balmy, or was that barmy (see what I did there, eh, eh?) few days on the Kent Riviera. We found a delightful place on Cherbnb, which, I believe, caters for more glamorous guests but ironically doesn't allow Gypsies, tramps or thieves.

The Kent coast is a dream in the sunshine and we ate fresh fish straight from the trawler men's calloused hands, quaffed local ales like the N

FF SR 244 11 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Happy Photo Finish Friday. Still looking for that next job opportunity I have been thinking of going back to photography. I studied it back in the day, when Dinosaurs roamed the Earth and subjects would have to sit still for 3 months to make sure their portrait wasn't blurred, but I have never made money from it. Then I hit upon the idea of SexyClix! I am excited to combine my knowledge of fashion and F-Stops. At SexyClix I am hoping that my gossamer get-up will put my subject

Furlough Fashion - Lavender and Lalique #243 10 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Lavender and Lalique. For your delectation today here's a picture of last night's Lavender and Lalique soiree, an occasional evening Kate and I host. I get my Asti out, indulge in tiny nibbles and quaff like animals all night. Not many people know that I have two Dunlop Stars for my Finger Food & have won the annual MasterFinger competition. Although we don't talk about the year when I tried out my canapéyote. The judges didn't respond well. One thought they were the reset but

Furlough Fashion - Nurse Wickens Wednesday #242 09 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Nurse Wickens Wednesday. I thought it was time to spice up the medical drama so I have been working on a script called 'Swing, Nursey, Swing' in which Nurse Wickens is in the playground next to the hospital being swung by her hunky Doctor boyfriend Paulo Chiseljaw when Aliens attack. Paulo's devastating handsomeness is savagely eviscerated by laser fire but Nurse Wickens survives by hiding under the merry-go-round.

Bereft at the loss of Dr Chiseljaw Nurse Wickens vows revenge

Furlough Fashion - Box Fresh Tuesday #241 08 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Box Fresh Tuesday. I wanted a slight departure from fashion for a day. As well as catching the summer rays* I was keen to share my Bitz with you. You probably don't know this, but I am a keen builder of oversized day to day items; with the local newspaper hailing me as a 'Poundshop Jeff Koons'. You can see me here in the Queenswood Mansions' wheat field, the perfect place to show off my oversized grain-based snack. I have such fond memories of stuffing Bitz in my mouth dry, or

Furlough Fashion - Red Monday #240 07 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Red Monday. I spent a large part of Sunday in the Spanish Entrance of Queenswood Mansions (which is where the drivers drop their guests when we're holding balls) as this coming weekend we will be hosting South East London's 1st Annual 'Kit Car Cavalcade', an opportunity for all the car making enthusiasts out there to show off their work. Bodies will be highly polished, mufflers will be growling and I could tell you more there'll be no spoilers.

We've gone all 80s with our Mex

Furlough Fashion - Wine and Shine #239 04 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wine and Shine. One of the things that Kate had bought me to celebrate our 20th-anniversary was a high quality pair of chamois knickers, perfect for the fashionista who also likes to keep house. I was due to do the bathroom at some point this year, so this morning I leapt out of bed, pinned up my tousled hair, grabbed my Megan Sparkles original (from the 'By Roil Appointment' catalogue) and finally popped those packet-fresh chamois knickers on.

All expense is spared when it c

FF SR 238 03 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Little Summer Boy. With the heat getting hot the only thing to do is to get that summer dress on, lie back on sheepskin and put on some summer-themed records. So I have retreated to the cooler, lower ground courtyard where Kate and I have a brown shag, a sheepskin rug and Wooly Bully (named for Sam the Sham, The Pharaoh Island Sweaters). We call it our 'Ruminant With a View'. My outfit is from Kew's 'Floral Pleasure' and the open-toed shoes are from Farrow & Ball's new footwea

Furlough Fashion - Trunk of Punk #237 02 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Trunk of Punk - Wicken's Wednesday. When punk broke in 76-77, Kate and I were too young to nick our parent's bin liners and too close to their apron strings to attempt rhinoplasty with a safety pin. However, in a recent trip to a vintage shop we found a trunk of Punk, an anthology of anarchy, a cornucopia of chaos. So today is designated as Wicked Wickens Wednesday and, tonight, we will be turning the Queenswood Mansions' ballroom into a 70s dive bar and have a post-nosh-mosh.

Furlough Fashion - Tan about the house #236 01 June 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tan about the house. Up until recently the only tannin I was interested in came in a teacup because over the years my 50% Irish genes meant the sun acts on me like it does on Christopher Lee at the end of a Dracula film. But after reading George Burn-hard Shore's 'Tan and Supertan' I have been trying and build up my resistance. Little and often is the key. That and factor 500 sun cream.

Kate snapped this picture this morning up on the South Wing's mezzanine sundeck and I am w

Furlough Fashion - Tank Holiday Monday #235 31 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tank Holiday Monday. The long weekend has given me a chance to finally realise my dream of getting a set of fish tanks for the newly created Wet Box in the East Wing of Queenswood Mansions. I often had big bowls over the years but I wanted to expand into the world of vivaria and we all remember Robert Warington, who created the first stable aquarium as published in the Chemical Society's Journals. Although I don't need to tell you that the term "aquarium" was first coined by E

Furlough Fashion - Friday not Shy Day #234 28 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Friday not Shy Day. There's nothing like a cloud of talcum powder and the squeak of shiny clothing in the morning, it's a great way to lively up your Friday. Although I'm not much of a talker, I've been thinking of trying out some podcast ideas and the first one that sprang to mind is 'Come Up and PVC Me Some Time' a celebration of good old polyvinyl chloride which, like a lot of us, comes in rigid and flexible forms. Today's outfit came from 'Rubber-Dubber-Do (the same place

Furlough Fashion - Pointy Thursday #233 27 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Pointy Thursday. I've decided to put myself forward for the role of 'Pointing Ambassador' for Dr. Martens. They are launching a new range of air-cushioned boots called Retro Soul (they've been brainstorming a short, pithy abbreviation but haven't come up with anything so far). My job would be to go around to their retail sites and point at the new range. If a customer has any questions I would then point at a member of staff who could help them (probably someone called Fancy D

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #232 26 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday the internet desert. Today's picture captures the moment just after the internet had gone down and I had called our provider to find out there was a fault in our area. You can see the sheer terror on our faces at the thought of losing access to cat videos, people injuring themselves performing misguided stunts, spam emails asking for a mere $11 dollars to release the millions I am owed in gold, currently held up in customs, dating sites (I am a big lover of s

Furlough Fashion - Mondayzilla #231 24 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Mondayzilla. After watching Godzilla Vs. Kong yesterday I had to locate my socks and, despite a script measured in grams, the action was measured in kilotons. So on the way back home I decided to work on my own monster film 'Doom in the Spume', but in order to generate some backing I needed some promotional material. So, I set to work in the shed with chicken wire, glue, an old duvet cover and some poster paint. I then got Kate to drive me to the coast with my new creation for

Furlough Fashion 230b - 2nd Vaccination

Jabracadabra! I had my second vaccination yesterday and it was much better this time around. It only took 3 people to hold me down (2 people are out of shot unconscious).

Love the NHS, very much un-love this Government. Love scientists and very much saddened and frustrated by social media 'experts' who can undermine decades of hard scientific evidence in one post or comment. Sadly, you can't vaccinate against ignorance.

Furlough Fashion - Friday blows #230 21 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Friday blows. Be careful out there today people it's blowy, and not in the good way as you can see from this picture. I went out to pick up the fruits of our milkman's labours (20 gallons of milk for Kate's bath, a bottle of cream soda for me and a dozen eggs for our sunny side ups) and suddenly my hair was pointing at right angles to my chiselled features and slender collar bone. I'm pretty sure I heard a few sequins ping off my bespoke housecoat from 'Bling Both Ways' and em

Furlough Fashion - Throwback Thursday #229 20 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Throwback Thursday. I realised that in all the time I've been doing Furlough Fashion I've never done a Throwback Thursday like the serious social media-types (or is that social meteorites) do. So I dug back in the archives and found this picture Kate took of me in the early days of when I was furloughed in real life not just in digital life.

I had just taken a bubble bath with Matey Bubble Bath Pirate (when you relax you can't help but say "Arrrrrr!") and was feeling more gla

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Angels Wednesday #228 19 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Angels Wednesday. Normally Kate works hard but doesn't have time to play hard, but after watching a double of 'The Wild Ones' and Jack Cardiff's 'Girl on a Motorcycle' at the weekend she decided that she was going to set up her own motorcycle chapter. I cheekily suggested 'Swells Angels' (which felt naughty as I don't normally sink to innuendo) but Kate said that since I had been made redundant it was more like 'Smells Angels'. We went bike shopping on Monday and now

Furlough Fashion - Plump up the volume #227 18 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Plump up the volume. As you know with Furlough Fashion it can be hair today and gone tomorrow depending on my sartorial whims. Today isn't just about hair it's about HUGE hair as I decided to go big or go home (even though I am already at home). Out came the volumizer, my loosest mousse and curlers with same the diameter of drainage pipes and then I would take hold of some hair and curl one out, then curl out another and so on. You have to be careful though, if you force it yo

Furlough Fashion - What's mine is chores #226 17 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - What's mine is chores. With all the time freed up by redundancy we drew up a list of chores I could do while Kate was winning bread and I was just eating it. I thought we could save a bit of money on the window cleaning so I took on the East Tower of Queenswood Mansions (where most of the Furlough Fashion R&D goes on). Kate snapped this picture of me from the mezzanine roof on the 69th floor and you can see how seriously I take Working at Heights as I have on my PPE harness wh

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 5 #225 14 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 5. With restrictions set to be relaxed and live entertainment on its way back I predict a return to the gentler times of Vaudeville. With that in mind I thought I could reinvent myself as one of cabaret tropes: 'The Inebriate'. Slightly down at heel, top hat askew, oversized tuxedo and constantly falling over. I'm thinking of going with the sobriquet Lord Blotto and my act will feature musical accompaniment from the music of Brahms and Liszt so I'll be

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 4 #224 13 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 4. Music and fashion have always coexisted from Sinatra's trilby up to Diddy, Beckham and Boy George at Asda. I thought I might introduce my own clothing line but formal wear is not for me, sportswear would be hypocritical (cake wear, more like) so I've gone with a range that says get comfy and be laid back (or 'getlaid' as I like to call it). So, I give you the prototype for my Fred Peary range.

The pear (the genus Pyrus /ˈpaɪrəs/) has been cultivated

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 3 #223 12 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 3 - Wickens Wed. I was thinking about vaccinations and the fact that everyone is disappointed they don't get a lollipop so, for the second day in a row we are thinking about getting into the suckables business. Also, inspired by all those Mom & Pop stores in the U.S.A. Kate and I have dreamed up a marketing brand for us where we are a dependable older couple who, in true American style, can trace their ancestry back to the old country. As Americans supe

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day #222 11 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 2: Another plan is to combine two current trends - courier-style deliveries and the increased demand for saucy items to spice up your sexy-fun-time. I'm calling it 'Deliverude' which is part of my umbrella company db (deliver brands) and when you order through the app I will come in a jiffy with a package for you. As you can see from the picture I have designed my livery with subtlety in mind but for extra anonymity you can ask me to deliver round the b

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 1 #221 10 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 1: Interior designer. Given the recent Tunnock's Caramel debacle at No.10 I thought my fashion sense (or my 'pash for fash' as I never call it) might be transferrable to a career in interior design. So, over the weekend I decided to make a rose-tinted spectacle of myself and take on a makeover of a rarely used room in the East Wing of Queenswood Mansions.

With my hefty plumb line, a spirit level (which I believe keeps ghosts the right way up), some sw

Furlough Fashion - Week One Done #220 07 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Week One Done. So that brings the first week of unemployment to an end and what better way to celebrate than to settle down in the Queenswood Mansions lounge bar, The Ginger Flamingo, and suck on a big fat Cuban. It's been over a decade since I stopped smoking but every now and again it's great to thrust a hand into my humidor and pull out something long, pungent and brown and set fire to it.

I've opted for a 'Urbain Décontracté' look (urbane casual) and matched a black tee f

Furlough Fashion - It's Totes about Votes #219 06 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - It's Totes about Votes. I hope everyone has their voting outfit ready for today. I've decided to practice sexy voting and to encourage other people to engage have distributed my booklet 'Blighty - Sexy Voting Special' - you may have even had me stick it through your door already. I opted for the soft fabric of a sensual number I bought from online store 'Teddy Roosefelt'.

Vote! If you don't vote and then complain about everything then I don't want to hear it. However, on all

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Pampering Wednesday #218 05 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Pampering Wednesday. To make sure I don't get too down and to ensure my hygiene regimen doesn't slip Kate suggested that today was a pamper day. So, before she started work we headed to 'Tease & Blow', the Queenswood Mansions Salon. Kate gave me a permanent and I gave her a facial but she wouldn't let me touch her Botox. Then we did our nails round the Prancette and you should have heard the glee with which Kate slapped down my 7 inches. We listened to some perfect pam

Furlough Fashion - May the 4th Be With You #217 04 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - May the 4th Be With You. One of the many projects I'm currently working on is Carry On Up The Death Star, a wacky tribute to the nudge-nudge-wink-wink film series of the 50s and 60s.

All your favourite characters are nearly there: Han Swallow, a smuggler who's used to hiding large packages in his hold and his sidekick on the Drillanyone Falcon, ChewBaccy who no one can understand because he always chewing tobacco. They're hired by Puke Boghugger, a snot nosed kid who throws u

Furlough Fashion - Half price suits #216 03 May 2021

Furlough Fashion - Half price suits. Although I am not officially unemployed until tomorrow I decided to re-purpose my work suits this weekend. As Summer is on the way a little ventilation on the nethers is always welcome so I give the world The Half Suit (or possibly the exposed-waistcoat). I never really did feel completely comfortable in a suit so this felt very liberating.

I got the idea when I was playing guitar. I was trying to work on a face-melting guitar solo and which singer might su

Furlough Fashion - Pink Parting #215 30 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Pink Parting. So my final day at work has arrived. There have been a number of virtual leaving drinks and there's one more this afternoon so I thought I would finally wear something that truly reflects my personality and show a side of me that my work colleagues don't usually see. So I am unveiling my 'Pink Parting' ready for the occasion.

This is an outfit I originally bought for the 2020 LATEXPO who hold an 'Inflata-ball' on the last day for all the delegates, but as that

Furlough Fashion - A Bracing Thursday #214 29 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - A Bracing Thursday. What with all the redundancy going around Kate said I should brace myself for the future. That got me thinking that I have not explored the world of braces, mainly because they are a linguistic minefield given that Americans called them suspenders which the English see as the accoutrements of sexy-fun-time whereas Americans put braces on their teeth.

Braces were first popularised in 1822 by a London haberdasher Albert Thurston (people would say "Are you

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Colossus Wednesday #213 28 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Colossus Wednesday. You may not be aware but Kate is powerful smart at science and has a Mistresses Degree from College University North Tottenham. I especially admire her love of Anatomy and know from experience that she can handle the tiniest particles and understands how sometimes solids become liquids too quickly and that it can happen to all solids from time to time when they're stressed.

After the redundancy news, Kate came up with a way to improve my mood and

Furlough Fashion - Transmutation Tuesday #212 27 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Transmutation Tuesday. As the result of a work meeting yesterday I can officially let people know that I have just been made redundant from my job (last day 30 April). I'd like to say I was dragged off the video call by Kate at the point where I was shouting "...and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers" or “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!” but in reality I thanked

Furlough Fashion - Tea & Tap Monday #211 26 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tea & Tap Monday. Sometimes, when I am feeling a little sluggish on a Monday I lively up myself with some tap dancing to go with my tea. As the kitchen is a cathedral to stainless steel it's the perfect place to have those taps ringing out across the cookware so that they ping off the Le Creusets and bounce off Nigella's milk pans.

It's a great chance to pull on my shoes from tap maestros 'Brogue Trader' grab my dance hat from 'Nice Titfers' and start hammering out my Bojangl

FF SR 210 23 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Frothy headed Friday. What happened to the boozer? As pubs start to open up we are reminded that we have to sell a kidney to get a round in. Much as I love a pint of mango and cumquat infused IPA and the post-modern drink names ('Beyond the Pale', 'Hopping Mad', 'Juice Forsyth', 'Beauty & The Yeast', 'Brew Me Sideways' and so on) I still miss the comfort of an old-school where the carpets were as thick as most of the clientele.

So here at Queenwood Mansions we've been workin

Furlough Fashion - Bebop comedown #209 22 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Bebop comedown. Jazz Wednesday was a honking success and I thought I would share a picture of me at the end of the evening. I had just finished a blistering atonal set (which sounded like a skein of geese being trampled by 20 stone men on pogo sticks at the same time as a shudder of clowns armed with car horns were hit by a tank) in which I had dressed up as a Jazzy Jolly Jack Tar and performed some of my maritime compositions including 'Poop Deck', 'Walk My Plank' and 'Coming

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Jazz Wednesday #208 21 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Jazz Wednesday. Tonight we'll be trying our first Jazz Club at Queenswood Mansions. It's going to be a cross between the Hot Tub Club of Paris and Ronnie Scott's (I think he was the guy who died frozen to his saxophone when playing a gig in the Antarctic). I've been learning the saxophone and trying to get to grips with pentatonic, polychromatic and Lydian dominant scales and someone gave me some sheet music but I thought it was okay.

But I've discovered I am best at

Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Bubbles #207 20 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Bubbles. Kate and I have been thinking of breaking into the fizzy drink market so we have been doing a lot of research, buying up crates of popular drinks from the obvious: Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper (and the short-lived failure Dr. Salt) and Sprite to the lesser known Spurt, Pepsi Ice Cucumber, the curry flavoured Ramune (Japan) and Grandpa Joe’s ketchup soda (USA). We've been mixing some of these up to see what you get i.e. R. Sprites, Lucolazade, 7-Up Dr. Pepper a

Furlough Fashion - The whiff of Summer #206 19 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - The whiff of Summer. When the sun shines and the sirens whine then you know the weather has changed and Summer is waiting in nature's wings. But, as ever, most people in the UK will act like it's Summer even if they accidentally see a picture of the sun. You can imagine that in the last few days every supermarket in the land now has tumbleweed blowing through the aisles that stock charcoal briquettes, burger buns and cheap lager.

But I took the opportunity to peek into Summe

Furlough Fashion - Whipped into shaped #205 16 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Whipped into shaped. I gave up on the Satan Diet as it was way too labour intensive and I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice a goat; so Ramsbottom now lives in the Queenswood Mansions' petting zoo. But I managed to shed the pounds with something a little different.

I have always heard the phrase 'whip-it thin' but didn't realise it was a recognised regime for weight-loss until I spotted something online that said Harrison Ford was 28 stone before he started whip training for

Furlough Fashion - 666 Diet #204 15 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - 666 Diet. Losing weight is a struggle we all face at one time or another and I am still working hard to fight the flab I put on after celebrating FF200. Over the years I have tried a number of fad diets but I caved in on the 'Cave Man', vetoed the Keto, lost count of the times calorie counting didn't account for anything and let's just say the Atkins should be renamed the Shatkins.

But then I read an advert in Helle Magazine from Lovecraft Inc. who are promoting 'The Satan Di

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #203 14 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. It's a little known fact that in the heyday of Black & White cinema the crew would often film short saucy versions of the classics using the same sets but with adult film actors (with names like Katharine Rugburn, Gregory Pecker, Vivien Lay and Cary Grunt). These films have been traded in secret for years, with rusty-dusty 16mm film cans changing hands many times as collectors aim to find the rarest titles. I recently located a box of these films so, last ni

Furlough Fashion - Pink Pantheon #202 13 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Pink Pantheon. If a Pantheon is a temple to the Gods then, today, I am pink temple to the Gods of weight loss. While I struggle to lose the weight gain at the weekend I remembered a trip from my past to 'Cart Land' a theme park dedicated to Dame Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland, DBE, DStJ which is a place that celebrates her love of Victorian romance and all things pink. You can stroll around the grounds seeing people in character as cads, heroes, women of substance or downtrodd

Furlough Fashion - Just Another Massive Monday #201 12 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Just Another Massive Monday. So, I might have rested on my laurels a little bit too much after the 200th post last Thursday. I might have got a bit giddy on the nice things that people said and I might have over-indulged from Friday to Sunday. Kate snapped this picture of me on Sunday morning enjoying a light-bite and some breakfast wine to wash it down with.

I had to quickly get some clothes delivered from 'Lard Almighty' in Manchester (with their slogan "We have more blue

FF 200 Image

Furlough Fashion - 200th post!
Who knew that one silly post could lead to 200 increasingly sillier posts. As with post 100 I have decided to celebrate this millstone with a song: a cover of ZZ Top's 1983 hit 'Sharp Dressed Man'. The YouTube video features posts 101-200 from https://furloughfashion.co.uk/ and https://www.instagram.com/furloughfashionista/

I was ably assisted by Kate (Wickontron) Wickens on BVs and cowbell and there BVs and guitars from Connon and BVs and drum programming from Da

FF SR 199 07 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Wickens Drama Wednesday. Kate has been toying with the idea of setting up a new streaming service called NetWicks so we're sourcing our own original content. I lamented that you don't get screwball comedies like 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World', 'Smokey & The Bandit' or 'Every Which Way But Loose' anymore so have written a pilot for a madcap comedy called 'Love Muscle Express'.

It's about Sylvester Van Reynolds, a hapless body builder who is set to inherit $10,000,000 from

Furlough Fashion - Fashionator 200 #198 06 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Fashionator 200. Well, it's Tuesday-Monday, the second, first day of the week after the Bank Holiday when everyone in the UK has no idea whether up is down or Sunday was last week or four days after the day before yesterday. However, the days were meaningless to me as I have been locked in the Queenswood Mansions shed fiddling with knobs and sockets and trying not to peak in the red as I worked hard and fast on the Fashionator 200 to bring you a very special 200th Furlough Fas

Furlough Fashion - Bank Holiday Bonnet #197 05 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Bank Holiday Bonnet. With an extra long weekend it's okay to spend more time on a special outfit. I think it's good to pamper yourself as often as possible and I try to pamper myself at least once a day. So this weekend I have been working on an elaborate outfit which I call Gentlemen Prefer Fronds.

It's a two-part costume and the headdress uses up all the old feather dusters we had at the back of the cleaning cupboard plus a lot of Kate's crystal tips. As I think it's a swe

Furlough Fashion - Happy Easter 2021

I remember the first time my parents took me to see Lepus Malum at the local indoor market, back when I was a little girl. I can still remember his fur against my cheek as he whispered "Kill them...kill them all" in my ear. Happy times. It wasn't long after that day that I had to go into hiding, change my identity and...well, I won't bore you with that story. Happy Lepus Malum everyone. 🐇

Furlough Fashion - Easter Bonnet Friday #194 02 April 2021

Furlough Fashion - Easter Bonnet Friday. Well Lent is over and I am disappointed that no one lent me anything, I blame the pandemic. But it is Easter, a time when the adverts tell us to celebrate when the Easter Bunny rose from the gravy and fed 5000 people with chocolate eggs and novelty mugs. It's often referred to as the reserection which I believe is short for respectable erection.

Kate loves an Easter Egg (she's always interested in getting a gooey filling) but this year I have taken a le

DUFF#2 - 21 August 2020

DUFF#2: This Dress Up Fashion Friday I have enjoyed the majesty of nature in the sloping hills behind Queenswood Mansions. Sometimes, before work, I like to revel in the early morning glory and fumble my way to the top of Mount Wickens. Of course I have an Alpine-inspired outfit for this.

The lacy shirt comes from 'I Wanna Swiss You All Over' in Swiss Cottage (of course) and the dress and hat come from online retailers 'For Those About to Smock, We Salute You' and 'Tyrolean On Me'.

It's great

DUFF#6-18 September 2020

DUFF#6 Despite all the walking that was done on holiday you can see from this week's Dress Up Friday Fashion that unfortunately I have put all the weight (and more) back on so I had get myself a few cheap suits from 'Now Is The Winter Of Our Discount Tent' based in Belchford in Lincolnshire.

I thought I would also zhoosh up my own tonsorial crown with some judicious preening using a can of L'Aréola Paris and a drop or two of 'Quick Pink Ink'. They were also doing a special on bow-ties so I got

DUFF#7b -Bonus Birthday post - 25 September 2020

Thank you all for my Birthday wishes, it brought a distinct moistness to this old Fashionista's eye. On the day I was mostly out and about in Wales basking in the final walking in the sunshine and drinking beer but I had a little time in the morning for Kate to snap this sexy B&W pic in the present she bought me. She called it 'Batman for a Fatman' and, thankfully there was just enough material to ensure no one gets a look at my Boy Wonder at the front or my Batcave at the back. I'm told the t-s

DUFF#6 - 18 September 2020

DUFF#7 - 25 September 2020

DUFF#7 - When one is holiday one has the right to indulge ones self so it's a good thing I have my alter ego Peter Cushion, an old cove who likes only the finer things in life such as vintage Brentford Nylons bed sheets, Asti Spumante Special Reserve (from the Spumante Family's personal fridge), Prawn Roulade and a fine wardrobe with a jacket from 'Plushed Away' in Plumstead and a neck adornment from online purveyors of Terylene 'Cravat's The Way I Like It'.

The name chair came from my short ca

DUFF#3a-BH Bonus 231 August 2020

DUFF#3a - Bank Holiday Bonus. It's been a exciting weekend at Queenswood Mansions as Kate and I have been getting ourselves ready for 'Hair Necessities', South East London's Festival of Style & Hair & Hairstyles (affiliated with the Edinburgh Fringe). Kate is going as Belle Green (only funny if you know this area) and I am the Beast from the South East. I got both our costumes from rap outfitters 'Sewn Sold Crew' in Sydenham.

Social distancing will be observed but our favourite stalls and attra

DUFF#8 2 October 2020

DUFF#8 - The only kind of Dress Up Fashion Friday this week is to protect against the dreich weather. So I have protected myself against the elements with a coat from 'Macintoshers' in Seathwaite and being 'une personne chapeau haut de forme' my lush head of hair is protected by a top hat from online specialists 'A Right Titfer' (their motto is "Give us head and we'll give you hat"). The gloves are from rock outfitters 'Whole Lotta Glove' and brolly came from soul outfitters 'Umbrella Fitzgerald

DUFF#2 - 28 August 2020

DUFF#3: Dress up Fashion Friday this week is me exploring my tough inner-core. When you've were born on the mean streets of Hemel Hempstead you have to have ice in your veins and be ready to rumble at any moment.

So my outfit reflects this knife-edge I live on; always knowing danger lurks around every suburban corner, that, at any moment, I will hear the banshee cry of the Geezer-man: "Whaddayoufukkinlookinat". So I've got on my Dangerous Diva catsuit from 'PVC-You In Hell' with a hint of

FF-Bonus-Sat 15 August

Hope everybody avoids getting wet this weekend. I certainly will in my hydrophobic dress from 'The End is Dry' in Waterford and my funky umbrella-ella-ella which I picked up from online shop 'Hello Brolly'.

DUFF#1 - 14 August 2020

Welcome to the first Dress Up Friday Fashion, or DUFF for short.

DUFF#1 - Today marks the end of the second week back at work, post-furlough, and it's taken a while to get back into the swing of things. The weekend now feel more precious so I wanted to enjoy this one in style. Luckily, I know a man who has a mate whose cousin is the friend of woman whose husband has stockpiled my favourite 1970s tipples from brew-bastards extraordinair, Watneys.

So here's a picture of me as I will be at 5pm

DUFF#5 - 12 September 2020

DUFF#5 - Holiday Edition. More of a dress-down than a dress up but Kate and I have just come back from a week's holiday on the Kent Coast. We spent most days walking and walking which has led to some weight-loss and toning (not sure it will last until next Friday).

Kate snapped me here in my white-white-white undies from hipster brand 'Brief Encounter' and their Gilbert & Sullivan inspired range 'The Pirates of Men's Pants'. I am enjoying our holiday breakfast tipple of choice; one of our own

Fashion-David Bowie Cover

So here we are - the 100th post! Working from Home Fashion ran from 17 March - 7 April / Furlough Fashion 8 April to today.

This video is a cover of David Bowie's 'Fashion' with myself on vocals, ukulele, melodica, Omnichord and guitar and Kate 'Wickotron' Wickens on vocals and cowbell and it features every post made since 17 March.

It started as a throw away pun and changed into something that I have loved doing (even if I did horrify myself as well in the process). But I would not have made

Furlough Fashion #83

Furlough Fashion: The Final Countdown (2 of 3).

Having hammered home the metaphor yesterday, today I keep hammering until the hammer is nothing but a metal-free, splintered stick of kindling. Today I decided to be a pin-up from classic 80s magazine Smash Twits and 10 points to Gryffindor if anyone can tell me who I am today (crossword clue: Kangaroo, Shakespeare play).

I got the leather jacket and poodle wig from 'Leather & Rugs' a website that specialises in helping middle aged men dress up a

Furlough Fashion #82

Furlough Fashion: The Final Countdown (1 of 3). In order to hammer this metaphor home unnecessarily Kate and I spent the weekend re-creating a part of the set of OAP and out-of-work-actor's favourite teatime show Countdown (Dull Fact: it was the first show ever broadcast on Channel 4).

We went old school and decided to dress up as Richard and Carol so I sourced some authentic clothes from the era and I got my suit from 'I Feel the Need, The Need for Tweed' in Twatley and the shirt and tie came

Furlough Fashion #81a

Furlough Fashion, Final Full Week.

As the culmination of this final week I present to you a 2 for 1 as I am contemplating writing my fashion autobiographies and I'm currently in talks with publishers Simoan & Shyster to make this happen. To help with the pitch I have done some pre-visuals which you can see below.

The books will deal with the trials and tribulations of staying at the top of my game: the highs and lows, the tears and tantrums, the stitches and the bitches, the drink abuse (gett

Furlough Fashion #81b

Furlough Fashion #80

Furlough Fashion, Final Full Week.

Another option I am exploring is the lucrative catalogue business. It's a tradition in this country to choose your clothes out of a 4 inch thick book made of cheap paper and ink that sticks to your hand if you rest it there too long. With the right investment, Furlo's could be the leading light in fast fashion and we promise to only use ethically sourced Nanas for the knitwear and no parrots will be used in the making of our pretty polyester.

I will need some

Furlough Fashion #79

Furlough Fashion, Final Full Week, the last Wickens Wednesday.

Inspired by my love of Kate I thought that alongside the Furlough Fashion Empire I could expand into the popular Romance Novel market with a range of Furlough Passion titles. I want them to span all genres from historical through to modern and this would feature 'A Prawn For Your Cocktail' about forbidden love blossoming during dinner parties.

Other titles being considered are 'A Cock Up At The Rectory' (Single, ex-model, Doreen Sa

Furlough Fashion #78

F4W: Furlough Fashion, Final Full Week.

The second business opportunity I have been considering is wine. Kate says I wine all the time, about everything, so I figured it must be something I'd be good at. So, pictured here is the concept art for my first release: Furlot Merlot. I'm planning to start small and will clear a portion of the garden for vine growing. Hopefully, by the time they are ready my athlete's foot will have cleared up and I can tread them myself.

I'm hoping the juice from my

Furlough Fashion #77

It's F4W: Furlough Fashion, Final Full Week.
To celebrate this last full week I will be looking at some of the ways I can monestise the Furlough Fashion experience. As you would expect, plenty of companies have been contacting me with tie-in opportunities so please let me know what you think as I unveil these ideas over the week.

We start with my own fragrance: FUR L'EAU, a well-known brand want to help me produce this in time for the Christmas market. They have helped produce many celebrity

Furlough Fashion #76

Furlough Fashion. Happy Friday everyone, the weekend starts here and with so many pubs now allowing people in I felt like it was the right day to show off my new party outfit which I am calling Guilty Displeasures.

There was a little bit of leopard print fabric left over from Furlough Fashion #67 so I repurposed those for the down belows but the top came from New York's 'Sheena Is A Pink Rocker' and the monster belt came from online waist restrainers 'He Who Belt it, Dealt It' in Belton, Norfo

Furlough Fashion #75

Furlough Fashion. One of the great benefits of being furloughed is it has let me indulge my love of technology so I thought I would share a picture with the kit I have bought since lockdown.

I haven't got enough space to list all the tech but the top level items include a Scamcorder (which films fake news), a Gateaux-Blaster (which can add flavour to any cake if you play Hot Chocolate loudly at it), a Tiny Tellytron (which recreates watching TV from 40ft away), an Electrified Typing Console (u

Furlough Fashion #74

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. We do like a Cosplay at Queenswood Mansions and though it might look like time hasn't been kind to Kylie and Jason we're actually Willie and Dolly. I had the idea to build Williewood on the back lawn but it's been tough going because I had trouble with my tacks bill (I used a lot of tacks to erect the stage). However, with Kate's help we completed the stage erection and she just couldn't wait to jump on it and sing 'Here You Come Again' while I got to grips w

Furlough Fashion #73

Furlough Fashion. It's a groovy kind of monochrome Tuesday because I found this outfit from 'And Mod Created Woman' in Morton Bagot. It actually came as a fully white outfit but I am keen on hose piping so got the sewing machine out and added the black detailing. It was quite fiddly so I got Kate to hold my hose piping while I repeatedly tried to stick it firmly in place. We both agreed that it was worth the exertion as Kate loves to see me pose and pull off a Twiggy.

Furlough Fashion #72

Furlough Fashion. It's cabbage week at Queenswood Mansions. Boiled, stewed, braised, baked or turned into a decorative foam or granita for our high end cuisine we go Batavia-Shit crazy, sail our ship straight at the Iceberg and enjoy the Romaine's of the Day. Cabbage Week is timed with the hot weather so we can keep all the windows open as it used to be in winter, back in the days when we were still smoking, but after 5 days of cabbage ingestion and the corresponding gaseous expulsions I struck

Furlough Fashion #71

Happy Friday Furlough Fashion Fans. I'm looking forward to an evening spent in 'The Touching Cloth' a fully stocked bar we've had built as part of the whine cellar at Queenswood Mansions (it's a place, deep underground, where we can go and have a good moan about things without being overheard).

I've gone for a more relaxed outfit in anticipation of multiple libations so have on a purple, half-sleeve, utility shirt from Lorry Driver outfitters 'Go Truck Yourself' which I have worn in the Daisy

Furlough Fashion #70

Furlough Fashion. In the dying days of my furlough I am still trying out potential money spinning ideas to combine the fashion auteur I have become with other revenue streams. As cookery shows are ubiquitous I thought I would make pilots of some themed shows. First up is 'We'll Meat Again' a celebration of protein and featuring recipes such as 'Don't Chop 'til You Get Enough' (pictured), 'Go Cluck yourself' (stuffed chicken) and 'Pork Sword, M'Lord' (a pork skewer served with King Edwards). Ther

Furlough Fashion #69

Furlough Fashion, Wickens Wednesday. One of Kate's great passions is puppetry and during lockdown she has been making a range of 'fabric friends' for an end of lockdown show called Wickens Woodland Wonders. There are four main characters, from left to right: Snap Jennings the Crocodile Goalkeeper, Mini Evil Nico, Sir Licksalot and Freddy Förhud who keeps a stiff eye on them all.

Kate asked me to create 'the look' so I chose a Barbie Pink dress coat for Kate which came from 'Deep Coat' in Debde

Furlough Fashion #68

Furlough Fashion. When you've been breathing, sleeping and effluvaiting fashion as much as I have, you pick up some tricks from the great designers. Many have personal fitness regimes and that's how I discovered Akimbocise, a branch of Chairobics that involves striking poses while firming up all those important fashion muscles like the rectus femoris, gastrocnemius, quadratus femoris and the gluteus peacockus.

You can't do the routine without using the right equipment so I have a vintage 70s c

Furlough Fashion #67

Furlough Fashion. It was with great delight that my fabric order from 'Faux-Faux, Quick-Quick-Faux' in Farnham arrived at the weekend (they do a lot of fabric for Ballroom dancers) so I could start designing our Boudoir Exotique in the South Wing of the property. We're going to have a Tiki bar as well with COVID themed cocktails like 'Maskarita', 'Bloody Scary' and 'Sex on the Bleach'.

To start, I ran up some covers for the Chesterfield and accompanying pouf and had enough left over to make a

Furlough Fashion #66

Furlough Fashion: Back in the fashion saddle. It's been a rough few days with a kidney infection, so this morning I decided to try a part fashion, part fright therapy solution. I put on my comfiest jumper from overpriced designer brand 'The Illusion of Free Wool' and my snuggliest lycra leggings from lapsed Catholic retailers 'Spandexcommunicated' and felt ready for the procedure.

I prepared a tincture of scalding hot cranberry juice and puppies' tears while Kate got into a Hazmat suit to handl

Furlough Fashion #65

Day 2 of kidney infection and Kate steps up again with another fashion sketch: a beautiful floral dress for her and a brown sleeveless jumper for me, reminiscent of the Open University in the 1970s

Furlough Fashion #64

While I was laid-up with a kidney infection Kate took care of the fashion business by producing this vivid fashion sketch - a misshape of things to come?

Furlough Fashion #63

Furlough Fashion. Since lockdown music and fashion have become even more important to me. I have been trying to stretch myself and not just play guitar, keyboards, bass or ukulele. So I was intrigued when I saw this beauty - a custom build Balalaika from 'Balalaika Virgin' in Balham. It's made of pre-tensile balsa wood with a Gumbo Limbo fretboard, brother of pearl inlay and tuning pegs made of repurposed spatulas (from 'No, I'm Spatulas').

The bonus was that it matched a bespoke Hymenoptera-i

Furlough Fashion #62

Furlough Fashion. While many people were out and about in search of Carling and Fosters at the local Neverspoons I took the opportunity to relax at home and try on my new lounge wear in Kate's arboretum, nestled in the grounds of Queenswood Mansion.

The outfit is designed to compliment the cascading softness of my gently tousled hair. The cream top made of José Mourinho's wool came from free range sheep shop 'Ruminant With a View' in Ramsgate. The studded lemon trousers were bought online at '

Furlough Fashion #61

Furlough Fashion. Balls, huge ones. I love 'em. Big, glittery, disco balls*. Rotating, shiny globes of optimism that make everything glimmer and twinkle. Fire up your disco balls and somehow everything is right in the world. I say all this because I'm not sure I'm ready for the ground zero of pub opening this weekend, so Kate and I are going to set up 'Ministry of Round' at home (we could both do with losing some lockdown pounds).

We'll both be performing DJ sets over the weekend under various

Furlough Fashion #60

Furlough Fashion. As I'm sure a lot of you know, my lucky number is the letter D. So once a year I like to celebrate my very own D-Day by dressing in double denim and getting a couple of kegs of Double Diamond for our log cabin deep in the grounds of Queenswood Mansions. Given the scarcity of Double Diamond nowadays I have to stay vigilant for poachers so armed with with my trusty pellet gun, Darth, I keep watch until the kegs settle and I can get my quaff-on.

Here's the science bit: Denim is

Furlough Fashion #59

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. As this is the 75th post in the Working from Home and Furlough Fashion series Kate and I decided to throw a lavish party for the two of us. We ordered some party clothes and got our favourite mixers in to make Pornstar Lambrinis (Lambrini, WKD Blue, Vodka and Red Bull served with a slice of Durian fruit and a Mescal chaser).

I opened a can of Super-Bouf to annex my hair into place as the perfect compliment to a jacket and bowtie bought at 'Lord of the Blings

Furlough Fashion #58

Furlough Fashion. I think we're all struggling to make sense of what is going on in the world and, I for one, often found myself suffering from brainy-numb-numbs; staring off into space and gently dribbling (oddly, it seems to coincide with extended periods of time spent with Johnny Walker but he says they're not connected). So I have decided to channel this into a new way of medicating, sorry meditating which I call Numbeopathy.

To do this, you need to clear your mind and I find nothing helps

Furlough Fashion #57

Furlough Fashion. Yee-haw pardners! This weekend Kate and I decided to play Cattle Operatives and First Nation Americans as I had put together the fabulous outfit you see today.

Just because a life on the range is hard there's no reason not to be glamorous, so only the best for this addled-saddle-madam. The sheer silk tassel shirt was bought at 'Shirt, or Get Off The Pot' in Shepton Mallet, the trousers were from online shop 'Has Anyone Seen my Khakis?' and I was lucky enough to find rhinestone

Furlough Fashion #56

Furlough Fashion. Sheesh, it's too darned hot for this former Ginge so it's time to show you reveal the fashion choice for this type of weather.

I give you the Beerkini, a co-creation between myself and new occult brewer 'Beer Witch Project'. We've attempted to provide the perfect fashion accompaniment to drinking too much on a hot day. After minutes of planning we ruled out a top because we all know it takes a 3 year degree course for anyone to learn how to hook and unhook a bra. However, the

Furlough Fashion #55

Furlough Fashion. Furlough Fashion. As someone who has the genetic make-up for Antarctica not Antigua I think the heat might explain today's FF. As the mercury rises, so does my folie chaude, and these last few days culminated in a fevered online shopping spree. Today, when my purchases turned up, I realised I am not to be trusted about 25°.

However, my teachable moment is salient lesson for us all and nothing like the restrained, well chosen outfits I have worn up until now. The top is from 'L

Furlough Fashion #54

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. Kate was very jealous of my cosplay outfit for 'Wormhole Wars' and insisted we both dress up as characters from her favourite 80s Australian sci-fi TV series 'Avo Larrikin: Moon Soldier' a low gravity romp full of rubber monsters (like Dunzilla and Daks Raider) and the wobbly sets on the MSS-Moonstryder. You will all remember those classic episodes like 'G'day to Die', 'Stuck in the Woop Woop', 'Bogan's Run' and the season finale 'For Those About to Rot, We S

Furlough Fashion #53

Furlough Fashion. I'm still trying my luck at Ventrilomequism but it seems I am very unlucky with my dummys. You may remember Little Paul from FF#15, well he developed a terrible coke habit and, after a night where all I could hear coming from my ventriloquist studio in the East Wing was repeated shouts of "Say hello to my little friend", I found him riddled with holes (CSI: Lewisham couldn't work out if it was woodworm or bullets).

But I am still determined to learn my craft so have made a ne

Furlough Fashion #52

Furlough Fashion. At the weekend I was binge watching the new MTV series 'Crimp My Bride' and that inspired me to order a crimping attachment for Kate's GHDs. They arrived early this morning so I have spent the last 2 hours getting a good and proper wiffle on my lockdown locks (kept in place with the aid of 'Perm Donor' hair gel).

This also seemed the perfect accompaniment to my new sparkly silver calf-length boots (and also panties in a weird twist of synchronicity) which were bought from 'Ano

Furlough Fashion #51

Furlough Fashion. With the recent birthday of Das Queen I've been pondering how the other half live so I decided to turn a corner of our parlour into a little slice of Vindsor Castle. I have tried to be as faithful as possible to the decour. Kate helped me build the mantelpiece and as Phillip doesn't stoke the fire anymore, in its place is a 2-bar electric heater that was a present from Lord Robert Dyas of Electricalia. Das Queen also likes to tablecloth designs to be based on pub wallpaper from

Furlough Fashion #50

Furlough Fashion. After the hangover cleared from my excesses drinking at the Zoom Inn I felt I needed to atone by abstaining from Pink Lady for a while. So I created a pious corner of the office; somewhere I could sit in quiet contemplation and read the collected works of Shakespeare's Sister and '50 Grades of Spray' (all about how you measure the quality, consistency and usefulness of spume).

The statues came from 'Effigenius' (with their motto: "I like big busts and I cannot lie") and the c

Furlough Fashion #49

Wickens Wednesday - (a cautionary tale). During lockdown I'm sure most of you have found that, unlike going to a pub or bar where you equalise your drinking to the speed of the slowest drinker, drinking at the Zoom Inn means alcohol is delivered and drunk in quantity. Wine, whisky and ale flow with such abundance we have become like New York children in a sweltering summer playing in the jet of a fire hydrant. So I have used today's FF to demonstrate the dark side of this and as well as the lovi

Furlough Fashion #48

Furlough Fashion. As the weather has become more humid it's important to keep air flowing to your nethers so a man in his prime will invariably turn to a trusty Kaftan to allow a breeze passed the knees. I found this beauty with a to-the-navel front plunging vent which allows any passing zephyr access to my pecs in the city.

To go with the look, Kate offered me a blow-dry which got me very excited until I remembered it was to do with hair. However, I was still happy with the results she got us

Furlough Fashion #47

Furlough Fashion. Trump's birthday was yesterday and there was a call to plaster the internet with pictures of Barack Obama, a true President who wasn't like the narcissistic, love-me-Mummy, twat-haired, orange misogynistic manchild we have today. Unfortunately, the standee of Obama didn't turn up until this morning so I quickly staged this picture wearing my bespoke power-suit from 'Man at CIA' in Washington and a shirt and tie from 'Shirt For Brains' in Dulwich. Judging by the hair, it's time

Furlough Fashion #46

Furlough Fashion. It's been a while since I headed for hat country and I wanted to find something to help with social distancing when I go round the shops. So after scouring the internet I found a few great hat shops like 'Show Us Your Titfers', 'Ushanka-Chief', 'Fezzy Logic', 'Pith-on-me', 'Tricornucopia', 'Turban Charged' and even a few shops that specialise in some weird combinations like 'Nuts & Berets' and a place that just did straw hats and sanitation: 'Boaters and Floaters'. But I settl

Furlough Fashion #45

Furlough Fashion. You may or may not know that I am one of a number of Grade A superfans of 70s sci-fi show 'Wormhole Wars' (or A-holers as we like to call ourselves). I was gripped by the adventures of the Starship Fennec with all those great characters like Commander Dick Thrust, Science Officer Vas Deferens, Scottish helmsman Lt. Haggis McSporran, Gruft the surly Security Chief from Cnut Prime and who could forget the exotic alien Princess, Buxotic Wantonia wielding her dual electron-pistols.

Furlough Fashion #44

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday.

With so much more time to discuss things in Lockdown Kate & I released that, because we grew up in the 70s (the decade of sexism and static shocks), neither of us had had a Prom during our school years. Kate therefore demanded it, and what my princess wants she gets (apart from my collection of old rope which I still believe I can get money for).

So I recreated the experience by hiring a limo to pick Kate up. We drove back here where I had set the front ro

Furlough Fashion #43

Furlough Fashion. It was about this time of year Kate and I were going to be heading off on our super yacht the 'Teatanic' (named after Kate's love of the beverage). We both love the open sea and all those great nautical terms. Kate loves to hoist my mainbrace and I love placing my balls on her brass monkey and I can assure you Kate can play the hornpipe until the early hours. Happy days.

We were going to visit some of our favourite wet places like The Kent Coast, Earthsea, Quahog and Budleigh

Furlough Fashion #42

Furlough Fashion. After a successful weekend corduroying the sofa and planking the walls in the guest's vestibule I wanted a picture of me in all my Sunday finery for today's post (although annoyingly Kate kept calling me Corduroy Rogers even though she knows it's one of my triggers).

The dress was bought at vintage boutique 'Crimplene On Me' in Crystal Palace (their motto is 'Unlike the dresses our prices are never static'). The hat is from 'Brimming Me, Brimming You, A-hat!' in Bromley, the f

Furlough Fashion #41

Furlough Fashion. Sometimes when I feel at a low ebb I will fake it to make it by indulging in some 'dress for success'. So today I indulged in some cosplay as David Dickinson from Iron Maiden (with his famous catchphrase "Run, live to fly, fly to live, do or die. Run, live to fly, fly to live, Aces high. What a Bobby Dazzler!"). He's also a qualified pilot so Kate and pretended we were on a flight to France as I'm playing to a packed out crowd at the Stade de France. During the flight I let Kat

Furlough Fashion #40

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday.

With so much times on our hands I have been able to teach Kate how to hold a guitar in the way humble Axe-Gods like myself do. You can see from Kate's face that she is attempting one of the most difficult posing-for-a-pic-while-holding-a-guitar-chords, Wmaj#7, and non-musicians among you will know this is in the pantotonic scale (which is always behind you). Our group will be called The Chiff-onanists and our stage act will blow you away, but I wouldn't si

Furlough Fashion #39

Furlough Fashion. The weekend gave me a chance to indulge the mad professor side of my personality. I managed to get a job lot of flasks and beakers from a bankruptcy sale of the estate of Baron Von Morrison (or something). This is all in my quest to distill the perfect bourbon cocktail and make a compound that keeps batter crisp on fish for longer - I'm going to call it Fryagra. So far all I have made is a pill that people take to make taking pills easier to take but I'm not sure there's a mar

Furlough Fashion #38

Furlough Fashion. Imagine my surprise this week when Kate told me that, because I had been so good at furloughing and hadn't annoyed her at all while she was trying to work from home, she had bought me a brand new amp and guitar so I could play these very loudly while she works hard at maths using a calculator.

She got me a Grintch, White Flappet Lark IV with bumhucker single-coil pickups and a wibbly-bar. The amp is an original flamingo-shit-pink Dansette 2x15. So, in honour of these fine gi

Furlough Fashion #37

Furlough Fashion. With the hot weather a person's mind is drawn to ice cream. Who doesn't love a 99 with their partner or sticking their spoon in a fresh tub (even if you do get covered in nuts and sprinkles), licking their Rocket with abandon, sucking on Funny Face or getting their lips round a Lord Toffingham.

So I drew inspiration from the humble ice cream cone and searched for an outfit that would ooze milky goodness. I found this couture dress from Congelé Lyon (from his Lyon's Made bran

Furlough Fashion #36

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. We recently converted the North East wing of our maisonette into a Vinyl Temple; a place where we can handle my 12"s over and over again. I have scoured the country for the best in high fidelity equipment and managed to accumulate some vintage items including the Magnotronovox Z100F, a Squark 600e tuner, a wall of Queeffe Copperton speakers and even a rare German Kranzdinkenschwarzebahnoffervergeitz IV (and I know I don't have to tell anyone out there what th

Furlough Fashion #35

Furlough Fashion. One the great benefits of furlough is having the time to make more music so I needed to sort out my home studio. I looked at some pictures online and built the studio you see here. I don't know why they have dots on their walls but it took me 6 hours to draw them on and the sound from my Dad's old electric razor isn't great but I have already recorded a few tunes including 'Bear-way to Heaven' and that goth classic 'Bela Lugosi's Ted'.

I've heard people talk about needing to b

Furlough Fashion #34

Furlough Fashion: 50th Post! A Stitch in Time...

Yes, this is the 50th post in the WFH Clothes & Furlough Fashion series and, as you can see from the picture, we have come a long way from that first frock. So today, as a sit on my Chippendale chair (bought from the actual Chippendales when they were over in the UK) in front of my my genuine 16th Century Ikea occasional table, and with my lockdown haircut and beard cascading about me like an untamed hairy halo, I wanted to thank you for all the

Furlough Fashion #33

Furlough Fashion: Nightmare week. I have been drawing inspiration from some of the weirder lockdown dreams I have been having recently. Day#5 - 'Boom Chukka Wow Wow'.

I am Fanta De La FouFou (The Ginge on the Fringe) one of the world's top Burlesque stars and model at Irving Klaw's pin-up agency. I pose for a lot of fetish photos for people who like 'bandage' (where I am wrapped up in sexy bandages for the series "Mummys Dressed As Mummies"), 'Stinky Kinky' (I wear very little whilst emptying o

Furlough Fashion #32

Furlough Fashion: Nightmare week. I have been drawing inspiration from some of the weirder lockdown dreams I have been having recently. Day#4 - Gottle of Fear.

It's the 1950s and I am a successful radio Ventriloquist on FM station W.N.K.R. in Butte Montana. However, my alien doll Splooj (from Mars' moon Deimos) has started talking to me for real and is trying to make me to do some pretty evil things. These include, but are not limited to, coughing on kittens, licking pick n mix, releasing goats

Furlough Fashion #31

Furlough Fashion: Nightmare week - Wickens Wednesday. I have been drawing inspiration from some of the weirder lockdown dreams I have been having recently. Day#3 - Number 2 on top.

Kate and I live in a trailer park during lockdown. I am an aspiring model and need my headshot done (normally the men who take a headshot...well you can guess the rest) and Kate is a rapper who goes by the name Lil Chicken (she's just recorded her first track "Wickens Clan Ain't Nuthin to Cluck With"). We both need a

Furlough Fashion #30

Furlough Fashion: Nightmare week. I have been drawing inspiration from some of the weirder lockdown dreams I have been having recently. Day#2 - Swing Low, Bitter Chariot.

It's the year 3022 and we have been enslaved by floral print fabric which became sentient in the year 3000 after a Laura Ashley-worshipping cult created nanotechnology to animate it. We have been forced to live on garden hover-swings and the fabric gives off an opium-like gas that causes hallucinogenic visions. In this vision

Furlough Fashion #29

Furlough Fashion: Nightmare week. I have been drawing inspiration from some of the weirder lockdown dreams I have been having recently. Day#1 - The Misfortune Teller.

I am a teller of misfortunes in purgatory but as you can see from the table I am using triophonic balls, one for my left eye, one for my right eye and one for my Geordie Why-eye. The tree that grows from the ceiling is a cutting given to me by the metal chicken in the Clangers and my horns are made of the most evil substance known

Furlough Fashion #28

Furlough Fashion: Dress Down Friday, T-Shirt Edition #1. After a heavy week at the mechanical sewing apparatus and having to lose and gain weight on a daily basis I decided on a more gentle option and will show some of my favourite t-shirts over the course of today. I order them all from 'Show Us Your Titters' who produce comedy-themed t-shirts. The hair was designed with the help of Swedish YouTube influencer Tor Sade and his show 'Mullet Over'.

This is also a benign sorbet to help clear your

Furlough Fashion #28b

Furlough Fashion #28c

Furlough Fashion #28d

Furlough Fashion #28e

Furlough Fashion #27

Furlough Fashion: As you may remember from FF#9 my love of knitwear is strong and I've been researching a look for when we can all get to the beaches because, as you all know, I am a free spirit who loves nothing more than spending days on the beach working on my tan.

With this in mind I have found the perfect outfit from 'Ewe Light Up My Life' in Lullingstone (with their slogan "We give you knits"). The outfit comprises of a rainbow over-jacket (in support of the NHS as all decent human beings

Furlough Fashion #26

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. As all fans of The King know, today is the 27th Annual Purple Presley Day where devotees of both Elvis and the colour purple celebrate by dressing up as the King of Rock'n'Roll. Some, like myself, have a Priscilla to celebrate with.

For my regal aubergine ensemble I turned to 'Suspicious Twines' in Penge along with a shirt from 'Harry Hill at Aldi' but unfortunately my order from 'Glove Me Tender' didn't turn up in time for this shot. Kate got her lilac loun

Furlough Fashion #25

Furlough Fashion: Yesterday I took part in a Zoom fashion show sponsored by 'Dapper Chaps' magazine (think GQ but for the more mature gentleman). I entered the 'Dogs and Togs' category with my coral pinstripe gangster jacket from 'Zoots You' (they handled Kid Creole's Coconuts) but surprisingly won 'Best Bob' for my stunning haircut which they said was like a cougar version of Louise Brooks if she was Soccer Mom. I borrowed the pedigree Albino Wonkeye Chihuahua from some neighbours and his ful

Furlough Fashion #24

Furlough Fashion: The long bank holiday weekend gave me a chance to work on my glutes, pecs, quads, maximus, decimus and meridius groupings as well as back, sack, lats and hamstrings (not sure what vegans do with these). The upshot is I am now buff as a box of bristling beefcakes and trim as a tsunami of Tom Hardys.

My outfit is made entirely from Fleather a new fake leather material made exclusively by in Horsham-based designers 'Tight As A Fleather' (and their motto "Should have gone to pecs

Furlough Fashion #23

Furlough Fashion and it's the last day of Black & White week so I wanted to recreate the glamour of my youth as a debutante when my parents presented me at court. It didn't go according to plan as they had misunderstood the term and the Judge was in the middle of summing up in a fraud trial. However, as my Father liked holding Deb Balls we quickly left for the Pavillion in Hemel Hempstead which had been booked for my party. As is tradition I was strictly made to come dancing under the fluorescen

Furlough Fashion #22

Furlough Fashion: Black & White week. Today's was inspired by a recent crazy Lockdown dream in which I was in the Ziegfeld Follies as singer/dancer Mademoiselle Lyckie La Foof. All my songs were written by none other than Noel Coward and included huge hits like "That Beastly, Beastly Thing That's So Beastly", "I Grow So Weary Of My Wearisomeness" and "The Duchess of Chess Tells Mr Hess That She's In Some Distress"

People have always said I have the legs of Cyd Charisse (or was it Sid James, I

Furlough Fashion #21

Furlough Fashion: Black & White week - Wickens Wednesday. As with all couples, lockdown can create tension so Kate and I use many of the techniques we learned a few years ago during Couples Mime Therapy (CMT) at the 'What's Mime is Yours Clinic' in Tunbridge Wells. We learned many coping mechanisms like 'Kate trapped in my box', 'walking into wind' (Kate has to hold her breath for that one) and 'heavy suitcase, don't leave, don't leave me, please god don't leave me'. To this day we still mime lo

Furlough Fashion #20

Furlough Fashion: Black & White week. After the pant minimalism of yesterday I wanted today to celebrate the sumptuous glory of Hollywood so stayed up all night drunk sewing this little creation (thanks Adam and Hayley for the hangover).

I drew inspiration from the near homophonic relationship between P. Cook and Peacock to adapt a 2-piece dress bought from 'Lights, Camera, Acton' in, you guessed it, Chiswick. I added feathers from the peacocks that freely roam in our lavish 0.0003 hectare lawn

Furlough Fashion #19

Furlough Fashion - It's Black & White week and what better way to kick off than to let you be the first to know that my modelling agency - Model-T' - called me to say that I have been picked for Calvin DeCline's new campaign to tap into growing market for men of a certain age (or the Porky Pound as it's also known). Look out for the posters which have the slogan: 'Y-Fronts? Y-Not!'

Here I am wearing a pair from the top of the 'Chunk in the Trunk' range . Note the gossamer side panels to help th

Furlough Fashion #18

Furlough Fashion: end of another week. Furloughing has given me a chance to finally work on my mash-up musical 'Betty Get Your Gun'. It's a raunchy take on the original which starred Doris Day but my version features Betty Page as the protagonist. I will, of course, play Betty and have spent a while gathering items to form the costume you see today. I'm still trying to think of song titles so maybe you could all suggest some.

The hair comes from Wigan's specialist 50s wig makers 'Do Beehive You

Furlough Fashion #17

Furlough Fashion is not just about the flowing gowns of haute couture or the hipster look from the faux speakeasies of East London, sometimes it's about the celebration of fashion working in tandem with freedom of movement as I dance around the living room to a vintage 'Music, Mime and Movement' that takes me back to my school days when I dreamed of being in Pans People.

The sequined leotard was bought from 'I Sweat Myself' in Shirley (with their slogan "You Are Awful but we Lycra You") with th

Furlough Fashion #16

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. At least once a month Kate and I like to dress up as archetypal Grandmas. We drink weak, milky tea and super sweet sherry, eat Newberry Fruits until our saliva turns the colour of raspberry juice and we tut about the youth of today until the roofs of our mouth are red raw. However, we absolutely draw the line at reading the Daily Express or the Daily Mail because this is for fun and we are not blinkered haters of everything that hasn't been sprayed with Union

Furlough Fashion #15

Furlough Fashion isn't just for me I also like to dress up Little Paul. Ventrilomequesm (or 'making your wood talk' as we say in the trade) is another skill I have been honing during the lockdown (I'm writing this without moving my lips). But you can't be a Ventrilomequist without sartorial style and my outfit is from 'Smells Like Shirt' and every dot is the last full stop from the top 1000 classic novels; from Moby Dick to The Brothers Karamazov, A Tale of Two Cities to the Hungry Caterpillar.

Furlough Fashion #14

Furlough Fashion: Hoff-Couture. I have been spending some time during furlough on cultural betterment programmes (such as Luke-warm yoga, jigging, Kristal therapy and the least successful Bard watching) but I have finally started my online MA in David Hasselhoff Studies (or David Hazzard-Cough as he is officially known for the duration of the lockdown). This will include modules on TV: including ‘Knight Rider’, ‘Knight Rider 2000’ & ‘Baywatch’; Film: featuring ‘Piranha 3DD’, ‘Sharknado 3: Oh Hel

Furlough Fashion #13

The last Furlough Fashion of the week and I can look forward to a weekend eschewing cutting edge apparel in favour of nothing but paper underpants.

But I thought I would leave you with this fine jumper / trouser combo from retro-brand 'Knit 'Arf' who pride themselves on recreating the look of Seventies Radio 1 DJs but without the sexism and crimplene.

Happy Friday everyone, have a great weekend and don't drink too little.

Furlough Fashion #12

Furlough Fashion today is a tribute to the hangover you get after a lively Zoom call i.e. you set the timer on your camera, get into a pose and then realise you forgot to put your pencil skirt on. But I decided to go with it.

The furry top comes from the 'Cookie Munster' range of evil jumpers by German designer Herr Riebutt and the boots are part of the 'Reach for the Thighs' range at fashion collective 'Sold my Sole'. The pert posterior comes from my Mum & Dad.

Furlough Fashion #11

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday. Kate and I don't ride bikes but we like to recreate the feeling of the open road by setting up in the hallway with a fan on high (covered in stuck-on dead flies that occasionally dislodge and get fired at our faces) whilst playing a recording of car horns and motorists swearing to bring the ambience of the open road. Kate also likes to make the brum-brum noises of the bike as well, bless her.

You also need to dress the part, so I am wearing a powder-blue one

Furlough Fashion #10

Furlough Fashion today is a celebration of summer and unveils the Beekini a swimsuit made of daisies that is designed to attract our arthropod friends. It was designed by Polly Nation and sold in her 'Hive Talkin' shop in Queen's Park (named after the Bee Gees song obviously.

The look on my face is due to a swarm deciding to set up home in my nethers just as Kate clicked the shutter. And you can't spell colony without spelling colon!

Furlough Fashion #9

A new week of opening up the dressing up box for Furlough Fashion. Today I am way ahead of the curve with an outfit from designer Rowena Selvage (known as the Mother of Purl). It's part of her 'I Knit Myself in Public' range.

By the end of this year expect to see the trendier parts of London's East End teeming with people sporting the 'Woolfro' and being smitten with 'Knitted Mittens'.

Furlough Fashion #8

Today we should have been on a flight to France for a break so for one day Furlough Fashion today is Mode Congé. I have been up all night stitching together a mixture of my lacy lingerie (bought from niche shop Victor's Secrets) and some old net curtains to bring you a creation I like to call Hairy Mantoinette.
And looking at this regal confection I think we can all agree with that beautiful old French saying "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries"

Furlough Fashion #7

For today's Furlough Fashion I thought we needed some more opulence in the home so turned a corner of the front room into what I like to call my 'Solid Gold Cubbyhole'. I sprayed a few things with gold car paint including our roasting dish and some ramekins (for bangles) but my advice (learned the hard way) is don't spray in nude as you'll end up with more than a gold finger.
The house coat comes from Lyn Tizzy's robe and caftan emporium "The Boys Are Back In Gown" in West Wickham and the port

Furlough Fashion #6

Furlough Fashion: Wickens Wednesday is upon us again and that long Easter weekend allowed us to dig out a boating lake in the back garden. I used my skill as a Carpenter (I'm a big fan of Karen) to build a flat-bottomed boat for it but Kate said was a silly punt (at least I think that's what she said) so it's not in the picture.

The outfit gave me a chance to wear a wonderful two-piece from Dub Reggae outfitters 'Prince Safar-I' (they also carry out Vendetta contracts under the slogan 'Eye for

Furlough Fashion #5

I've spent a couple days R&R staying at an exclusive Spar Maisonette in Forest Hill where I decided to enroll in their falconry course (due to the higher number of birdlife around at the moment thanks to the lack of traffic). This has meant the return of the Geezer Hawk (pictured) to this area and you will be familiar with its distinctive cry of "wot-u...wot-u...wot-u...fookinlookin-at".

To go with the course I dug deep in my dressing up box and found a rather classy jacket and trouser combo bo

Furlough Fashion #4

Furlough Fashion: the last bonus Easter content until Tuesday. Another Easter Bonnet bonanza. This hat came from 'Joust the Ticket' in East Croydon and the shirt from 'Floral Sex' in West Croydon. Happy Easter everyone X

Furlough Fashion #3

Furlough Fashion: bonus Easter content. As it's the time of year when we would all normally be out promenading with our Easter Bonnets on, I thought it was time to bring out this beauty. It's called 'Wizard's Sleeve' but I can't remember whether I got it from 'Taking the Pith' in Sydenham or 'Nuts & Berets' in Nunhead. Either way, I remember their Vegan Pork Pie hats were very on-trend but their Cocked Hats were a little obscene.

And over these fashion shoots I have been perfecting my model cho

Furlough Fashion #2

Being the sociable guy I am (and I'll punch anyone who says different) I am missing social interaction with you lovely people so for today's Furlough Fashion I spent the night creating a new set of lockdown friends. I'm convinced that, like the Spice Girls or Take That, everyone will have their favourite and possibly you can all suggest names for future Cookymen.

I'm also thinking of marketing the 'sexy-lipstick' hats with my face attached. Look out for the Cookstarter campaign.

Furlough Fashion #1

Welcome to Day One of Furlough Fashion. Today I'm putting the fur into Furlough (fake of course) with a coat that was bought at Transvestite outdoor outfitter 'Grizzly Madams'.

And it being Wickens Wednesday (which of course you knew), my better half has joined me in the shot with an exclusive outfit from renowned Anglo-French designer Chanel Tunelle.

paulfcook@furloughfashion.co.uk