Furlough Fashion - 8 April 2020 - TO DATE

Furlough Fashion – Fuddled Friday #435 20 May 2022
Furlough Fashion – Fuddled Friday #435 20 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #435 – Fuddled Friday. Back in the days of vaudeville there were lots of novelty acts that trod the boards. Long forgotten stars such as Peter Poker, The Perspicacious Piercer who did unmentionable things with sharp objects, Senior Nuts and His Mexican Tap-Dancing Squirrels, and Deptford Dave, the Dapper Dandy of East London with his popular songs “She Gives A Squeal for My Jellied Eel”, “My Raspberry Fled the Khyber Pass and Made Her Hampstead’s Chatter” and “I’m Comin’ Up Your
Furlough Fashion – Thigh Will Be Done - #434 19 May 2022
Furlough Fashion – Thigh Will Be Done - #434 19 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #434 – Thigh Will Be Done. On such a grey and rainy day the only physical antonym to this is to pop on something that sticks two fingers up at the slate coloured sky and says “do your worst”. In fact, the phrase ‘do your worst’ is actually a bastardisation of ‘Mach deinen Würstchent’ which came out of 1950s Germany when American rock ‘n’ roll music first arrived and a new dance craze, The Hotdog’ spread through the clubs and dive bars of Berlin after Ekkehard Prezleyteddybärherz
Furlough Fashion – Space 19,999,999 - #433 - 18 May 2022
Furlough Fashion – Space 19,999,999 - #433 - 18 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #433 – Space 19,999,999. As you know, Kate and I have a love of long-forgotten Canadian sci-fi series such as ‘Wormhole Wars’ (FF#61 & 70), ‘Spacepants Patrol’ (FF#157, 160, 330, 369) and ‘Wanda Lust – Space Mercenary Rebel’ (FF#296) but we have recently discovered a series that is suspiciously close to a Gerry Anderson series from the 1970s. It’s the year nineteen million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand nine hundred and ninety-nine and it’s nineteen million nine hundred a
Furlough Fashion - The Gist of my Wist 2 #432 -17 May 2022
Furlough Fashion - The Gist of my Wist 2 #432 -17 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #432 - The Gist of my Wist 2. One more photograph of my month of indulgence, away from Furlough Fashion. In the midst of my wist I spent a lot of time in the East Wing boudoir which is decorated with lots of neutral colours that help calm the mood. There’s a whole range from paint sellers ‘Slapiton’ I used including ‘Mint Indolence’ and a ‘Fey Grey’ carpet from ‘Get Laid’ which were balanced by the crisp white of the crocheted bedspread. I would spend a lot of my time there in m
Furlough Fashion #431 The Gist of my Wist - 16 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #431 The Gist of my Wist - 16 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #431 The Gist of my Wist. Like that phrase “a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma” this year has been odd and challenging and full of highs (new job) and low-lows (bereavements) so, as you can imagine, fashion has not been high on my list of priorities. During the last month I have taken to staring wistfully off into the distance and sighing deep plangent sighs. I grew my hair out (everywhere), and heard that sun on your areolas is healing when sadness descends. Appar
Furlough Fashion #430b - Return of the Mac - 15 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #430b - Return of the Mac - 15 May 2022
Furlough Fashion #430b - Return of the Mac. Well, it's been a month I can tell you. Some months slip passed unnoticed and vague, some months are full of fireworks, ice cream and winning raffle tickets, but some months come with metaphorical stones in the shoe or shopping trolleys that refuse to go the way you want them and are full of clocks that need stopping.
But more on that another time. For now, I am ready to pull on my flat cap from 'Nice Titfers', raincoat from 'Leader of the Pac A Mac'
Furlough Fashion – Frock Oeuf #430 15 April 2022
Furlough Fashion – Frock Oeuf #430 15 April 2022
Furlough Fashion #429 – Frock Oeuf. Here we are again in the UK: the long weekend where we buy enough food for a week and still moan when the supermarkets are shut on Sunday and we’ve forgotten to buy some potatoes and have to go to the corner shop to buy some green potatoes at three times the price, we aim to park the car on the A303 with Stonehenge a speck on the horizon for 5 hours, families get together for a reminder of the arguments they had at Christmas and we enjoy 2 grammes of chocolate
FF SR 429 13 Apr 2022
FF SR 429 13 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion #429 – Did You Just Art? – Wickens Wednesday. With the moth infestation slowly being dealt with by Bill Wyman who now runs bug exterminator company ‘Tumbling Lice’ (with the motto “You can get satisfaction from this Rolling Stone who gathers some moths”). So, Kate and I have been using the rooms in Queenswood Mansions that have no clothes and little in the way of soft furnishings and that’s when I suggested staging an art exhibition in the QM gallery space. I immediately started
Furlough Fashion – Slack Adder #428 07 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion – Slack Adder #428 07 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion #428 – Slack Adder. As some of you many know Kate is very good with numbers, she’s a whizz with a spreadsheet and can do long, short and quite close division, as well as adding, subtracting, subcontracting, and multerplacations. She insists on keeping two sets of books for the household and says one of them is kept wrapped in plastic and in the toilet cistern in case of fire. She does all this so we can live within our means, and we regularly go through everything together; me w
Furlough Fashion – Sitting Proud In The Morning #426 05 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion – Sitting Proud In The Morning #426 05 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion #426 – Sitting Proud In The Morning. As a fashionista you are used to seeing me in all my finished finery having been primped, plucked, powdered, and preened (which I think was the follow up to ‘Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered’), but today I thought I would give you a glimpse behind my velvet curtains and show you where the man becomes the myth. I am pictured in the corner of the master bedroom, where my vanity is covered in Kate, and I am calling down to the kitchen to order
Furlough Fashion - Brolly-Olly-Olly #425 04 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion - Brolly-Olly-Olly #425 04 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion #425 - Brolly-Olly-Olly. We love talking about the weather in this country: “Raining cats and dogs”, “nice weather for ducks”, “One swallow doesn't make a summer” (depends on how good your summer was). Sadly, these expressions are becoming redundant and we may have to make up different ones, like “Raining Parrots and Penguins”, “Nice weather for amphibious trucks” or “Weather’s changing quicker than a Tory U-turn”. We can no longer “save for a rainy day” because we only get to a
Furlough Fashion  – Old Dog New Wicks #425 01 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion – Old Dog New Wicks #425 01 Apr 2022
Furlough Fashion #425 – Old Dog New Wicks. I know that when I say when people are surveyed on their favourite objects there are two things that consistently top the list. That’s right, codpieces and candelabras. It’s hard to imagine the popularity of these ever waning and hardly a day goes by when I don’t spot an enormous, decorated bulge on the street or pass a codpiece or candelabra shop like ‘Battle of the Bulge’, or ‘Teenage Wicks’, ‘Cod Bless Us All’ or ‘Candle Bars’, ‘Cameo-m-g’ or ‘Waxplo
Furlough Fashion–Wickens Thursday–Kung Foolery #423 31 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion–Wickens Thursday–Kung Foolery #423 31 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #424 – Wickens Thursday – Kung Foolery. After taking yesterday off from fashion Kate was keen to make sure I wasn’t going to get out of shape, so we crunched our way down the gravel drive to the parade ground by the east wing gates where she introduced me to her own brand of martial arts called Cháhú Zhī Dào (or The Way of The Teapot). There are many forms of the martial arts around the world including Huka-huka from Brazil (you fight on a thin strip of grass), Turkey’s Oil Wres
Furlough Fashion – Tiramisuits You #422 29 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Tiramisuits You #422 29 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #422 – Tiramisuits You. I forgot to mention that at the weekend I took part in the local annual tiramisu making championships sponsored by hardcore baking company X-Sponge. Local businesses all make their take on the classic dish including solicitors Stuffem, Billalot, Shaftingus, and Smith who make their tiramisue-you every year which only takes them an hour but costs £2000. The cobblers make a Tiramishoe, a giant shoe-shaped desert that always buckles, the Opposites Society (t
Furlough Fashion – Show Us Your Tints #421 28 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Show Us Your Tints #421 28 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #416 – Show Us Your Tints. Given the state of the world at the moment I wanted to test the theory that looking at everything through rose-tinted glasses would make a difference. I started by sticking some rose petals to a pair of sunglasses but, despite everything smelling like Turkish Delight, mainly I just walked into things. Then I use a rose-coloured Sharpie to ‘tint’ the lenses, but this had the same effect and I ended up wandering into the Queenswood Mansions maze where I
Furlough Fashion – True Love #420 25 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – True Love #420 25 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #420 – True Love. I know that everyone loves ‘Love Actually’ with its ten stories including a Prime Minister falling for a junior staffer, that Bob Dylan man showing signs to his best friend’s wife and a tiny drummer wooing a tiny American. But as heart warming as millions of people seem to find it, it is sadly lacking in a lot of information about the mechanics of love. I have therefore started producing a short film called ‘Love Factually’ which outlines what’s ‘actually’ happ
Furlough Fashion – Frights in White Satin #419 24 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Frights in White Satin #419 24 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #419 – Frights in White Satin. All the work I have been doing as an Axe-orcist reminded me of those old portmanteau shows like which had either a horror or sci-fi theme. I miss those old shows so have decided to approach the streaming services with an idea for a new show. I’m calling it ‘Ornate Armchair Theatre – Tales to Give You The Willies’ where I play the part of Baron Skrämmande Skräck, a gravelly old cove with a voice resonating heavily with doom who reads from his ‘Chron
Furlough Fashion – Throwback Wickens Wednesday #418 23 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Throwback Wickens Wednesday #418 23 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #418 – Throwback Wickens Wednesday. It’ hard to believe it’s been nearly 12 years since a pompadour-haired estate agent handed us the keys to the sprawling acreage of Queenswood Mansions and took this picture of us in the clothes of the time (an outfit from ‘Tweed the Birds’ for Kate and one from ‘Twill Power’ for me). From the first moment we passed through the gates and drove up the 8 miles of the gravel path to the main house we knew it was the place for us.

We had a lot of
Furlough Fashion – Ghouls Aloud #417 22 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Ghouls Aloud #417 22 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #417 – Ghouls Aloud. A few years back a shelf of DVDs collapsed in the media room, and I was hit on the head by a copy of the Exorcist and a documentary about luthiers called ‘Hole Lotta Rosewood’. After that I realised I had developed second, third and sometimes even third and a half sight. Then a guitarist friend was having trouble tuning their antique Martin and when I touched it I instantly knew that it was had been inhabited by the spirit of a tone-deaf turnip farmer from t
Furlough Fashion – Who Wants to See My Snake? #416 21 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Who Wants to See My Snake? #416 21 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #416 – Who Wants to See My Snake? This weekend I watched John Carpenter’s 1981 dystopian classic ‘Escape From New York’ starring Kurt Russell as Snake Plissken and I thought to myself that we rarely make these kinds of films made in this country. So, I have decided to make my own version set in London and called ‘Escape From New Cross’.

Set in the not to distant future (next week or the week after, I’m thinking) when New Cross has become a lawless sector of London, walled off
Furlough Fashion 3-Piece Sweetness - 415 18 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion 3-Piece Sweetness - 415 18 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #415 3-Piece Sweetness. Sometimes you wake up in the morning and reach for the jogging bottoms or lederhosen and at other times you just know that today is the day you want to be the dapperest, most debonairest, most urbanified gentleman around. This morning was such a morning. So, I whipped out my cutthroat, got my phizog as smooth as buttered silk, scruffed and buffed and then lathered myself up with some of the finest lotions and unguents money can buy, such as ‘Cuthbert’s Ol
Furlough Fashion-Things Are Not Always What They Seem #414 17 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion-Things Are Not Always What They Seem #414 17 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #414 Things are not always what they seem. This looks like a beautiful picture of me enjoying an al fresco guitar playing session on the artificial beach at the bottom of the imported cliff that runs behind the South Wing of Queenswood Mansions. However, I had to put the guitar down as I was feeling a little bilious and Kate snapped this picture of me nearly beating the current world record for holding the longest burp which stands at 1 minute 13 seconds 57 milliseconds. Annoyin
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday - Drum Chums #413 16 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday - Drum Chums #413 16 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #413 Wickens Wednesday - Drum Chums. We all know one of the best ways to relieve tension for couples. Oh dear, I know what you’re thinking, you must have such dirty minds, No, it’s drumming. Hammering on the big bass drum, twatting the tom toms, and getting red raw hands from your bongos. So, from time-to-time we withdraw to the soundproof drum lab, next door to Gingersound Studios, for a massive pounding session. However, playing drums on a drum is not without its problems, we
Furlough Fashion - Gluteus to the Maximus #412 15 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion - Gluteus to the Maximus #412 15 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #Gluteus to the Maximus. I love mussels, plump little guys, all pillowy and flavoursome. One of my favourite meals is mussels in Pernod, garlic and butter which friends introduced me to when we went to Savoir Faire in central London. Yum! So, when I got a call from Mussel Boy magazine asking me to be their cover star I was over the moon. I thought I would be in for a day of posing and putting away several kilos of freshly caught mussels while the camera shutter clicked away. I h
Furlough Fashion - What Wattage for Your Cottage #411 14 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion - What Wattage for Your Cottage #411 14 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #411 What Wattage for Your Cottage. FF was posted slightly late today as a fuse blew in Queenswood Mansions and took out a number of the 10,000 lightbulbs in the various rooms, wings, dancefloors, studios, conservatories, and spas. So, I have been off on the golf cart dragging a trailer of replacements and changing the ones that had blown. We’ve got energy saving, LED, incandescent, fluorescent, filament, strip (my favourite) ones that flicker and ones that change colour with an
Furlough Fashion – Frubbles #410 11 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Frubbles #410 11 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #410 – Frubbles. Yes, Friday bubbles are now officially a thing. In keeping with new guidelines issued by the Bubble Marketing Board we are all advised to indulge in something sparkling on a Friday. As you can’t all avail yourself of my sparkling personality in a one-to-one setting, I would urge you to include something sparkling in your trolley or basket today. Bubbles are fascinating things and offer examples of elasticity (the thing that stops your undies from succumbing to g
Furlough Fashion–Yellow, Is It Me You’re Looking For #409 10 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion–Yellow, Is It Me You’re Looking For #409 10 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #409 – Yellow, Is It Me You’re Looking For? Woke up with a slight case of ennui (which is not to be confused with the even worse English phrase ‘on wee’). After scrolling through my online wardrobe to choose today’s outfit I found something that would suit my mood and jumped onto the Queenswood Mansions golfcart and headed off to Sector 76 to pick up my selection: an outfit designed by ‘The New Sour Generation’.

Somehow, I felt that yellow matched my mood and the word Lemonchol
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday - None More Noir #408 09 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday - None More Noir #408 09 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #408 – Wickens Wednesday - None More Noir. Since my time at film school (“was that just after the talkies were introduced?” I hear you say, you cheeky monkey, you) I have loved a film noir. The high contrast tones, the hard-boiled nature of the stories and the hats. The film industry periodically tries to revive the style but usually with modern sensibilities like blood, gore and a lot of sexy-fun-time scenes. But I prefer the era of one-punch knockouts, women with inexplicable
Furlough Fashion – Saint Misbehavin’ #407 08 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Saint Misbehavin’ #407 08 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #407 – Saint Misbehavin’. Happy St. Bernard’s Day everyone (whether you pronounce it Bern-ard or Bern-ood). It’s that time of year when all the good little boys and girls wait with bated breath for the treats that St. Bernard has brought them. Small deposits of Holy Crap (well, really just Cadbury’s Picnics) and Yellow Snow (lemon slushies) and 20 litre polypins of Rum for the adults. All of these treats symbolically help us survive the winter months and make it safely to spring
Furlough Fashion – Worn to be Mild #406 07 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Worn to be Mild #406 07 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #406 – Worn to be Mild. Sometimes you have to go back to the fashion classics, the LBD, a Fred Perry, turtleneck, the codpiece. This weekend as I had been inspired by watching a couple of classic motorcycle documentaries: ‘Fight With the Wind’ and ‘Pour Me A Cup of TT’, the 50’s Spanish biker film ‘The Wild Juan’ and that classic of the female cycle gang subgenre ‘Savage She-Devil Motorcycle Angels From Hell Ride At Dawn’. So, I reached for a white t-shirt and leather trousers f
Furlough Fashion – Fizz Dark Materials #405 04 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion – Fizz Dark Materials #405 04 Mar 2022
Furlough Fashion #405 – Fizz Dark Materials. I’ve noticed it’s popular to put up pictures from the past. So, I wanted to share something from my past that might be a lesson for us all. Back in the 90s I had a huge Coke problem, there I said it! I was working hard during the day and playing hard at night going to some of the trendiest clubs in London such as ‘Touching Cloth’ (which became Fabric), Ministry of Sand (they had a beach in the club), the New Romantic ‘Lace of Spades’, and gay clubs su
Furlough Fashion – Always Believe In. #404 03 March 2022
Furlough Fashion – Always Believe In. #404 03 March 2022
Furlough Fashion #404 – Always Believe In. Of all the many plaudits I have received for my tireless work in the field of fashion it’s been my great pleasure to be contacted by exclusive electric car manufacturer LKL-SASF (or ‘Leistungsstarke Kraftstoffeinspritzung Lässt Schickes Auto Schnell Fahren’ to give it its full name) as they wanted me to model for their new hood ornament. Rolls Royce’s has its ‘Spirit of Ecstasy’, Bentley has the ‘Flying B’, BMW the ‘Middle Finger Extended’ and who can f
Furlough Fashion - Wickens High Kickin’ Wednesday #403 02 March 2022
Furlough Fashion - Wickens High Kickin’ Wednesday #403 02 March 2022
Furlough Fashion - Wickens High Kickin’ Wednesday. Ever since 2016’s ‘La La Land’ musicals have been back on the radar. Tinsel Town has always been in thrall to boas, sequins and turn-turn-kick-turn, one-two-three- kick-turn. Who can forget recent classics such as ‘Red Hot Tamales’, ‘Three Hips and a Hooray Henry’, ‘Big Bust on Wall Street’, ‘The Mango Tango Fandango’, ‘A Wonderful Night In Rio Ferdinand’, and jukebox musicals like ‘Wurlitzer Wonderful Life’. I am spearheading a revival of the
Furlough Fashion – Getting Blade Tonight #402 01 March 2022
Furlough Fashion – Getting Blade Tonight #402 01 March 2022
Furlough Fashion #402 – Getting Blade Tonight. Ice Skating has never been more popular; whether it’s the many rinks popping up in winter to minor celebrities wobbling about on skates for ratings. There are many more TV shows currently being planned such as stars in Victorian dress for ‘Skate Expectations’, ‘Ice To See You, To See You Ice’, the show that Bruce Forsyth was planning before his death, and, to celebrate skating’s origins in Finland I’ve been working on a show called ‘Happy Finnish’ w
Furlough Fashion – Deadly Wood #401 28 February 2022
Furlough Fashion – Deadly Wood #401 28 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #401 – Deadly Wood. How much Chuck can a Nunchuck chuck? After a week of COVID symptoms I needed to get into shape, and I remembered British 70s action star Nunchuck Norris who extolled the virtues of fitness through martial arts. You may remember Nunchuck Norris from those low budget-big explosions films like ‘Missing In Acton’, ‘Mortal Deadliness’, ‘Mortal Deadliness II: Fatal Lethality’, ‘Fist Man’, ‘Fist Man II: Fist & The Furious’, ‘Shaolin Kung Fu Dragon Master Warrior Ass
Furlough Fashion–Calm B4 the Storm In a Teacup #399 - 16 February 2022
Furlough Fashion–Calm B4 the Storm In a Teacup #399 - 16 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #399 – Calm Before the Storm In a Teacup. Wickens Wednesday. Valves are being warmed up and nobs are being oiled to stop them sticking because Gingersound Studio is ready to put the finishing touches to FF#400. I’ve laid down the bass (yes, I can go very low) and broke my G-String shredding guitar. I aim to bring you the best cover version I can; not just a static inducing nylon slipcover but a proper Egyptian Cotton duvet cover.

FF400 also means that Kate morphs into her music
Furlough Fashion - A Scale of a Time #398 15 February 2022
Furlough Fashion - A Scale of a Time #398 15 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #398 A Scale of a Time. We don’t do it very often, but matching clothes to decoration does have its place at Queenswood Mansions. As demonstrated by today’s picture where I had bought an outstanding fish-tailed outfit from ‘Cod Is In The Details’ and thought, ‘that would make great wallpaper’. So, I created a room where you could live the life aquatic, relax and have a little nap, I called it La Dozy Mer room. It’s where I lounge around listening to Gill Scott Heron, Clam & Dave
FF SR 397 14 February 2022
FF SR 397 14 February 2022
Furlough Fashion – Starter for Ten #396 11 February 2022
Furlough Fashion – Starter for Ten #396 11 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #396 – Starter for Ten. With the sad passing of Bamber (Paul) Gascoigne this week I was reminded that, in the early 1990s, I worked on a spin-off of his hit show called Polytechnic Challenge. It was thought that the questions should less complex than those given to Toffington College Cambridge or Spyhome College Oxford. Having had a Polytechnic edukation like what I did, I impressed the TV Execs with my ability to skin up and down 6 pints in 6 minutes.

In the pilot we had two
Furlough Fashion – Battle of the Bulge #395 10 February 2022
Furlough Fashion – Battle of the Bulge #395 10 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #395 – Battle of the Bulge. I deal with a lot of couriers as I get a lot delivered round the loading bay at Queenswood Mansions. Whether I am ordering vinyl by the foot, receiving this month’s shipping container of trainers, or getting our bulk orders from JM-Hell (we recently got the lightless bulb which, once installed, saves you having to turn off the light, ‘Holy Pluck’ tweezers for hirsute clergy and the Storage 2000 System, which saves space by allowing you to store your s
FF SR 394 09 February 2022
FF SR 394 09 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #394 – Wickens Wednesday. Hoe-M-G. We’re close to that time of year when a certain woman of the house is looking to get some forking done in the undergrowth. Every Spring it’s the same, the bush is out of control, borders need a good trim, the hothouse needs a good clean, you need to check your butt is full and there’s plenty of compost. Kate has green fingers (as do I, but not for the same reason) and last year we had a cornucopia of produce from the walled garden behind the Ea
Furlough Fashion – Up Diddly Up #393 08 February 2022
Furlough Fashion – Up Diddly Up #393 08 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #393 – Up Diddly Up. For quite a few years, wherever I go, people have shouted at me. When I was young it was related to the colour of my hair: ‘Ralph Malph’, ‘Beaker’, ‘Duracell’, ‘Belisha’ and so on. As I have faded from ‘on-fire’ to grey via ‘russet-in-the-gusset’ the epithets have changed and now, as I wander the Earth like Caine in ‘Kung Fu’, I have been perplexed as to why one particular rude word has been aimed at me.

But, by chance, when I was searching for Dutch aircr
Furlough Fashion - Shoe Dares Wins #392 07 February 2022
Furlough Fashion - Shoe Dares Wins #392 07 February 2022
Furlough Fashion #392 – Shoe Dares Wins. During my week away from fashion passion I did a variety of things such as spending time in the metaverse as Lord Silver-Horn Goldmane III (a plush unicorn in rainbow-kitten-butterfly land) a little time looking at camp sites online as I hate camping and like to remind myself how nice it is to sleep in a real bed in a warm, rain-free home with walls and a ceiling. But one of the major jobs during the week was an audit of all the shoes, boots and trainers
Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #5 – Fluff Trade #391 28 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #5 – Fluff Trade #391 28 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #391 - Jumper Week #5 – Fluff Trade. Well, it’s the final day of Jumper week and The Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear is very happy that they have shifted a lot if units (especially the heavy one in the kitchen that holds all the plates and cups). But we wanted to end on the cutting edge of jumper-science where designers are working at the top of their game unincumbered by convention, splicing V-necks with turtlenecks, re-wiring cable knit, and creating
Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #4. Sew What? #390 27 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Jumper Week #4. Sew What? #390 27 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #390 - Jumper Week #4. Sew What? The Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear, with Furlough Fashion, has been working to raise the profile of Jazz. Like most people, I tried jazz in college where a small group of friends introduced me to trad, big band, and swing which turned out to be the gateway genre to bebop. From there I got hooked on free jazz and polyrhythmic atonality and soon I was spending all my grant money in clubs like ‘Daddios Sauce’ and ‘L’Orycté
Furlough Fashion-Jumper Week #3 #389 26 January 2022
Furlough Fashion-Jumper Week #3 #389 26 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #389 – Jumper Week #3. Wickens Woolly Wednesday. The world of inspirational talks and books is a crowded market and we’ve all heard of ‘Think Yourself Taller’, ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Nuns’ and ‘Dazzle! Sparkle Your Way To The Top’, but there’s a new player in the sandpit and they have chosen to use Furlough Fashion and Jumper Week as a platform for their books. So, all aboard ‘Loco Motovation’, the train-based book that will help you stay on the rails and “choo-choo-c
Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #2 #388 25 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #2 #388 25 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #388 – Jumper Week #2. Today’s jumper was brought about by a discussion I had with a few unlearned gentlemen about how they had tried to watch some TED talks but really struggled to understand anything about the subjects such as ‘The Duality of Singularities and How They Affect Polycarbonate Structures’, ‘The Cynicism of Cynicism and How Optimistic Cynicism Can Be Utilised in Critical Thinking’ and so on. So, I thought why not start a series of lectures on simpler, softer subjec
Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #1 #387 24 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Jumper Week #1 #387 24 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #387 – Jumper Week #1. The weekend has been spent in a cloud of wool as I have been preparing for International National Jumper Week which starts today (I’m sure you have seen the social media campaigns and billboards in your area). It’s become apparent to the Society for Pullovers, Undergarments, Nylons and Knitwear that people don’t know that jumpers can be worn all year round, not just at Christmas covered in bells, lights and 3-dimensional objects like Christmas Puddings or
Furlough Fashion – Wig Out Friday #386 21 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Wig Out Friday #386 21 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #386 – Wig Out Friday. “What’s that on your head? A Wig! What’s that on your head? A Wig! I say what’s that on your head? A Wig! What’s that on your head? A Wig! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG! WIG!”. Wise words from the B-52’s I think you’ll agree. I bring this up as the eagle-eyed amongst you may have noticed that very, very, very, very occasionally, in some of the pictures I post, it’s not my actual hair. Some of you may not have even noticed. Every so often I suffer stres
Furlough Fashion - The Red Baroness #385 20 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - The Red Baroness #385 20 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #385 - The Red Baroness. I can’t seem to keep away from the colour red this week especially as I uncovered something I bought a while back but had yet to wear. It’s a delightful diaphanous vintage 'Red Baroness' outfit from a small 60s boutique called ‘The Giraffe Laughed While the Taffeta Carafe Autographed the Chronograph Scarf’ (God knows how they got that on the shop front). This particular dress caused a sensation when it was worn by Anoushka Von Velch at Cocoa Giselle’s Lo
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Frost In Space Wednesday #384 19 January 2022
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Frost In Space Wednesday #384 19 January 2022
Furlough Fashion # Wickens Frost In Space Wednesday. When one starts to get a reputation for style gurudom and cunning linguistic dexter-fletchery when one has a drop bread gorgeous girlfriend-partner-lady-person, people naturally want some of that sparkle to rub off on their products (something I once got thrown out of a John Lewis for). Endorsing products goes with the territory if you’re an enormous effluencer like what I am so I will entertain putting my heft behind something if it’s on bran
Furlough Fashion - Red Wedgie #383 18 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Red Wedgie #383 18 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #383 - Red Wedgie. Well, after wearing the Thighscraper boots yesterday I was much admired for the vibrancy of my redness (something that normally means a trip to the Doctor). People couldn’t decide whether the colour was pillar box or fire engine red but after two small children tried to post things in my knees, we’ll go with pillar box red. When I got home, I pondered lonely as a cloud (during a red sky at night) about a second day of redness and went off digging through the w
Furlough Fashion – The End Is Thigh #382 17 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – The End Is Thigh #382 17 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #382 – The End Is Thigh. As I come close to the end of my current work contract it’s time to reveal a little more of myself to my temporary colleagues. Part of my admin duties has been to organise the stationary cupboard. They used to have a moving cabinet, but people got sick of never knowing where it was. It’s a mammoth repository of all the things that make a stationaryphile such as me weep with joy. They have hole punches, hole kicks, staplers, staple-removers, staple staple
Furlough Fashion - The Pipes Are Calling #381 14 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - The Pipes Are Calling #381 14 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #381 - The Pipes Are Calling. I dodged a problem this coming weekend when a friend invited me to a karaoke competition up in Sheffield. I was a bit confused when they said I should work on my upper body strength, so after a few questions I discovered it was the annual ‘Carry Oakey’ competition where people take turns carrying Human League singer Phil Oakey round an obstacle course. I apologised and said I didn’t feel any fascination for this, but really wanted to sing this weeke
Furlough Fashion – Columbo Selector #380 13 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Columbo Selector #380 13 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #380 – Columbo Selector. It’s dress like a detective day at work. I had wanted to go as Dalziel and Pascoe, but Sarah Pascoe wasn’t free, so I have chosen to go as the man who bumbles and shuffles and really pisses people off. No, not Boris Johnson as he couldn’t detect the killer if they were standing over the body shouting “It was me, I did it, I am the killer. Over here, it’s me the killer” but Lt. Columbo the Los Angeles detective who spends his time tracking down a famous s
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Operatic Wednesday #379 12 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Operatic Wednesday #379 12 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #379 - Wickens Operatic Wednesday. While eating a huge plate of mashed potato and listening to some opera at the weekend a lightbulb went off over my head; it was Kate turning on the main light but that’s not important. Then I had the idea to ‘mash up’ opera with popular culture and so make it more accessible to young people (or sic, lit, GOAT or on fleek as they would say down at the youth club disco). So far, I have plotted out ‘La Bohèmsworth’ which features Thor, topless thr
Furlough Fashion - Remote Remote #378 11 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Remote Remote #378 11 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #378 – Remote remote. You hear it all the time “Where’s the remote?”, “Who had the remote last?”, “Yes, I checked down the side of the sofa cushions”, “Has one of you put it in the fridge again?”. Life is hard when the remote becomes remote. You can’t change channel, but the last channel selected only shows ‘The Real Housewives of Lewisham’s Big Gypsy Bake Off on Ice’ but you really want to watch that documentary on BBC4 about how the discovery of penicillin saved the artisanal
Furlough Fashion – Chairman of the Orb #377 10 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Chairman of the Orb #377 10 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #377 – Chairman of the Orb. Ever found yourself thinking “I want to listen to Americana music at the same time you have your fortune told”? Well, my current venture is so far up your street you’ll think I moved in next door. I bring you Father John Mystic: he sees all, and he sings all, especially arch post-modern lyrics on tracks like ‘Nunhead Cemetery Forever’, ‘Rye Wit on Rye Bread with a Super Rye Guy’, ‘Tea for the Tillman’, ‘Gateaux Lobbing #9.5 (in DmajSus9 for Two Virgin
Furlough Fashion – Well Hung #376 07 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Well Hung #376 07 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #376 – Well Hung. As the weekend fast approaches, I have been thinking about the fact that pictures become invisible when they have been up the same place for too long so I have started rearranging some of the best Furlough Fashion images I display in the long corridor between the East, South West and North West South wings of the house. I call it the Ufitzme Gallery.

It’s the back end of the working week so it’s time to ease myself into the weekend, and what better way to do t
Furlough Fashion – FRA(LOST)NC #375 06 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – FRA(LOST)NC #375 06 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #375 – FRA(LOST)NCE – Bit of a misunderstanding at Queenswood Mansions after a discuss last night. Kate was watching a TV programme and I came into the room as she was saying how much she wanted Bonnie Tyler. Never one to deny my princess I did an immediate U-turn and headed off to the walk-in warehouse to see what I could do about it. I managed to locate the perfect top from vintage 80’s outfitters ‘Pullover the Rainbow’ and spent several hours bleaching and back combing my hai
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Grapple Wednesday #374 05 January 2022
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Grapple Wednesday #374 05 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #374 –Wickens Grapple Wednesday. Back in February 2021 (FF#165) Kate set up the WWF (Wickens Wrestling Foundation) on Zoom and I was wrestling under the name The Urologist. We had to shut it down for a while after I pulled a muscle (although it wasn’t one of mine) but in order to shift some of that Christmas weight we’re starting up again. I’m trying a different character this time and drew inspiration from the turn-of-the-century strongmen to create Arsen Prolapski with Kate as
Furlough Fashion - Call Me The Wild Mauver #373 04 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Call Me The Wild Mauver #373 04 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #373 - Call Me The Wild Mauver. One of the worst things about going back to work after the Christmas break is that people can see every ounce of what you’ve been eating and drinking. Everyone has their snack traditions and favourite tipples and this year I have binged on a K2-sized bag of Brazil nuts, Christmas Wagon Wheels (with the snowball marshmallow centre), the new Over 18, alcoholic, hipster Newberry Fruits with risky flavours like dragon fruit, quinoa, and durian, After
Furlough Fashion - Fists Up In 2022 #372 03 January 2022
Furlough Fashion - Fists Up In 2022 #372 03 January 2022
Furlough Fashion #Fists Up In 2022. Some years need to be approached with respectful genuflection and others with vigour and gusto, but I thought the best strategy for 2022 was to come out the corner fighting. I know how much some of you appreciate boxing, or ’The Nobel Art’ as Laureate, fight enthusiast and notorious street brawler Kofi Annan called it. We can all appreciate the power of a fist in the ring, and I have a strong feeling that 2022 is not averse to hitting below the belt and a bit
Furlough Fashion – It’s a Wrap! #371 31 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – It’s a Wrap! #371 31 December 2021
So before Old Father Time wields his enormous chopper and cuts away the vestigial remains of 2021, I hope you have a fantastic New Year’s Eve guzzling down the liquid of your choice (Custard Cream Bourbon with Risky Business and Lambrini mixers plus Quorn Star Martinis here at Queenswood Mansions). I also wish you all an amazing 2022 when I hope you are able to adequately defend your compound from marauding hordes of looters, armed Brexiteers and Tory party members who, rumour has it, will legal
Furlough Fashion – Cover Me! #370 30 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Cover Me! #370 30 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #370 – Cover Me! I’ve just been updating my portfolio to include recent Furlough Fashion outfits that have been featured in some of South London’s biggest magazines such as ‘SMELLE’ which is a big glossy that deals with fragrance and fashion and where ‘Fur L’eau’ was featured (see FF#93 in July 2020), 'Harpo’s Bizarre’, started by the honking Marx Brother to celebrate tramp chic, Liverpool’s ‘Good Scousekeeping’, because a Liverpudlian is for life not just Christmas, ‘Marie Clai
Furlough Fashion – Handling My Bolex #362 28 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Handling My Bolex #362 28 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #362 –Handling My Bolex. One of the great presents from this year’s cache was a vintage 16mm cine camera. I’ve been telling Kate about the Bolex I played with during my time at college. The thrill of exposing the cans after popping out my light meter, the rush when hearing the motor whir as it captures over 10 seconds of action in one go. However, I got the deluxe version with a double power pack which gives over 5 minutes of filming time before you have to charge them for 12 ho
Furlough Fashion - BFPO. #361 27 December 2021
Furlough Fashion - BFPO. #361 27 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #361 – BFPO. I hope you all pulled off a fabulous Christmas but as you were straining the waistband on your clothes, I hope you spared a thought for those serving the fashion industry away from home: British Fashionistas Posted Overseas. This year I was contacted by Fashion Lovers Overseas United National Council (of) Exhibitionists (or F.L.O.U.N.C.E.) to broadcast a thank you message to all those currently serving the couture cause overseas. I headed straight down to the Furlou
Furlough Fashion - Happy Christmas - 25 December 2021
Furlough Fashion - Happy Christmas - 25 December 2021
I wanted to wish you all a very merry Furlough Fashion Christmas from all of us at Queenswood Mansions. Now I'm off for some breakfast cocktails such as The Slay Ride (lots of vodka, cranberry with a dusting of icing sugar), a Dirty Rudolph (a bloody Mary decorated with 2 glacé cherries stuck to the stick of celery) and 'A Slow Comfortable Scrooge Against the Wall' (a mixture of 3 spirits).
Furlough Fashion – My Christmas Package. #365 24 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – My Christmas Package. #365 24 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #365 – My Christmas Package. Today I invite you to come and experience my Christmas package as I don the mantle of Paul Effington Cook, crooner at large. You may remember the many albums I have released over the years such as ‘How Croon Is Now’ my lounge versions of Smiths songs, ‘Dark Side of the Croon’, my lounge versions of Pink Floyd songs, and ‘A Croonful of Sugar, Helps the Medicine Goes down’, my lounge version of Disney songs. Well I thought it was time I disgorged some
Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364 23 December 2021
Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364 23 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #364 – A Nod’s As Good As A Wink. Kate said she wanted mutton chops for her Christmas Eve-Eve tea. I instantly knew that mutton chops was code for the fact that it’s not really Christmas until you hear the steel vocal cords of Noddy screaming. So, you can imagine the surprised look on Kate’s face early this morning when I brought her a cup of tea dressed in my 70s finery, with my whiskers bristling, and screamed “It’s CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364B 23 December 2021
Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364B 23 December 2021
See text for Furlough Fashion - A Nod’s As Good As A Wink #364 23 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday, Top Trumps #363 22 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday, Top Trumps #363 22 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #363 – Wickens Wednesday, Top Trumps. Yesterday was my last day at work for the year but Kate has already been off creating a seasonal wonderland in the front vestibule at Queenswood Mansions. It’s also a big day as we’ve just been twinned with a town in Somerset. To honour this, we have built a ‘Yeovil Office’ in our West Wing. Today we’re being visited by of Yeovilian dignitaries, including the mayor who is also a dentist and so keen to unveil our plaque. They also want to dis
Furlough Fashion – A Glittery Wand #362 21 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – A Glittery Wand #362 21 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #362 – A Glittery Wand. Kate loves Christmas and said she wanted to have a wizard one this year so, ever happy to oblige, I dug deep into glam recesses of Queenswood Mansions walk-in warehouse to pull out an original costume from the 1970s as worn on the German music show ‘PopisttollundlässtdichdieHoseschwingen’ and the French show ‘La Pop C'est Cool’, which showcased many glam acts like Switzerland’s Go-Go-Yodellers, Belgium’s Cellules Grises, The Netherland’s Gelmar Schitteren
Furlough Fashion – Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am #361 20 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am #361 20 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #361 – Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am. I’m kicking off Christmas week with a seasonal look I like to call George (pronounced shorsh). If you’re looking for stubble, then you’ve come to the right place and I have paired the rough with the smooth feel of a José Mourinho Wool scarf in burnt umber or chestnut or taupe (which I learned recently derives from the French word for ‘mole’). And like a beautiful, snow-capped hillock I have teased, backcombed and preened my hair into this volumiz
Furlough Fashion – What the Pluck!  #360 17 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – What the Pluck! #360 17 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #360 – What the Pluck! Harps: they accompany the start of dream sequences, play gently by susurrating fountains in sword and sandals epics, they’re what you get with your wings when you arrive in Heaven, and they also stay sharp to the bottom of the glass. There’s nothing like handling something that’s so well-strung, even if there is a risk of catching Harpies (the rash that some harpists can get from all that plucking). I am playing one today because I want to herald Furlough
Furlough Fashion – Message in a Gottle #359 16 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Message in a Gottle #359 16 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #359 – Message in a Gottle. Every year on Boxing Day Kate and I have to produce a little ‘turn’ to entertain ourselves or whoever we maybe Christmassing with. Over the years I have tried fire eating (matchsticks really give you indigestion), Beet-Boxing (I hold the Guinness World Records for putting beetroot in boxes) and speed eating (turns out I can handle a lot of wieners in a short space of time). But this year I am having another attempt at ventriclicalism having tried to m
Furlough Fashion – Tout Le Monde Blonde #358 15 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Tout Le Monde Blonde #358 15 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #358 – Tout Le Monde Blonde. Last night Kate and I were planning to go out for a fish supper and a few brown ales down the local Royal French Foreign Legionella Club as we feared the coming of Lockdown IV – Beyond the Thunderdome. We opted to surprise ourselves and retired to our respective east wing, west wing boudoirs to plan our looks and arranged a big reveal at the top of the double staircase that bifurcates the two wings. Imagine our surprise when we met up and we had both
Furlough Fashion – As Teen on CV #357 14 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – As Teen on CV #357 14 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – As Teen on CV. In the 90s I was cast in some British films that were supposed to emulate the success of American teen dramas like ‘Pretty in Pink’ or ‘The Breakfast Club’. Unfortunately, Britain wasn’t as good at the glamour so I was cast in straight to landfill titles like ‘Ferret Schoolers Day Off’, about a ferret trainers taking a sick day from work, ‘Beverley Hills, HU17 0DG’, where I play a ‘rough kid’ kid from Molescroft who wins a scholarship to the posh high school, ‘T
Furlough Fashion - As You Flipping Like It #356 13 December 2021
Furlough Fashion - As You Flipping Like It #356 13 December 2021
Furlough Fashion #356 –As You Flipping Like It. When I was at school I tried skateboarding but fell off so many times people thought I was a Buster Keaton tribute act. I was much better at English and art so spent most of my time painting authors, but wished I could Ollie, Kickflip or Switch. But I have discovered a new craze sweeping across the Southeast of South East London’s West side: Skatebarding. It’s Skateboarding while quoting Shakespeare and for some reason 'giving of the Bard' has impr
Furlough Fashion – Quiffriday #355 10 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Quiffriday #355 10 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Quiffriday. No one is quite sure where the word ‘quiff’ comes from. It could be a bastardisation of the French word ‘coiffe’ which has come to mean hairstyle, but was the chain mail knights wore under their helmets or it could come from the Dutch word ‘kuif’ which means ‘crest’ (the Dutch name for Tintin is Kuifje). But wherever it hails from this huge keratin erection is a firm favourite in my life. I love to get my hands covered in product, tease out a stiff peak then push i
Furlough Fashion – Secret Chambers #354 09 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Secret Chambers #354 09 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Secret Chambers. It’s rumoured that when JK Rowling was first writing Harry Potter that it was going to be a literary re-working of the 1956 sci-fi film ‘Forbidden Planet’ (itself a loose adaptation of ‘The Tempest’). Harry would have been Harriet Lovelace, a science-driven teen raised alone on Albus IV by her scientist Father Babbage Lovelace, with only Dobbie the Robot to take care of her. Eventually a spaceship from the Interplanetary Alliance of Planetary Alliances (eerily
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Whacked Out Wednesday #353 08 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Whacked Out Wednesday #353 08 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Whacked Out Wednesday. I have always wanted to learn the violin and had lessons when I was at school but struggled with all the little dots that I had to remember. The teacher was always fussing over my crotchets until he had to leave school because the Police needed come help with their enquiries. He must have become a Policeman because we never saw him again. I stopped playing and grew up knowing that Staves are singing sisters from St. Albans, Quavers are snacks and
Furlough Fashion – Wash N’ Go #352 07 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wash N’ Go #352 07 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wash N’ Go. Damn, overslept so there was barely enough time to wash and grab my bits before heading out the door. I had just enough time to pull on the trousers I bought from ‘One More Unto to the Breeches’, a t-shirt from ‘Please Tees Me’, which I’ll throw on as I run to the station, and my American Football pencil case (I also have Rugby, Cricket, football pencil cases as I find it amusing to hold office supplies in my balls). So, must dash or won’t make the 7.30 Omnibus tha
FF SR 351 06 December 2021
FF SR 351 06 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Where the Magic Happens. Having released an EP I thought you might like to see where the musical magic happens. If you go down to the basement of Queenswood Mansions you will find the guitar warehouse where I keep such treasures as my range of prototype Fenders such as the Smellercaster, which emits random smells while you play (the g-string gives off quite a pungent aroma as does Bb# Augmented 3rd Sus 6), and the Shatocaster which has a brown body, neck, pickups, machine head
Furlough Fashion – Going Down Well #350 04 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Going Down Well #350 04 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Going Down Well. As the phrase goes ‘Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends’, well all I can say is champagne all round; well Lambrini Reservé from the vaults of my local Baldi (the supermarket for men with thinning hair). You can see me pictured here just about to pop my cork (which I don’t do for every man I see). I have a lace scarferchief from scarf and watch seller ‘In The Neck of Time’ and it’s obvious that I have also had my hands on Kate’s scrunch
Furlough Fashion – Prance Yourself Dizzy #349 02 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Prance Yourself Dizzy #349 02 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Prance Yourself Dizzy. As the days get colder it’s important to keep your blood pumping and what better way to do it than with a workout. Over the years there have been quite a few fads for keeping fit. Who can forget ‘Hot Yogi’, where put on a bear costume and dance around, ‘Dinner Jazzercise’, which was too mellow for some people and Christians were not fans of ‘Pontius Pilates’. I have tried medicine balls but I found that Night Nurse really stings, I’m resistant to resista
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Board Games Wednesday #348 01 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Board Games Wednesday #348 01 December 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Board Games Wednesday. As Christmas fast approaches we are once again assaulted by adverts for supermarkets and fragrances like ‘Eau Sausage’, ‘Crackers’ by Mark Jacobs, Jimmy Choo’s flu-season fragrance ‘Achoo!’, the collab fragrance ‘Ford Diesel’ and the new trend for scents for certain body parts such as ‘Dior Ear’.

But for too many years families have been suffering at the hands of board games with tables being turned over in anger, kids being taken to A&E with p
Furlough Fashion – The Storm Before the Calm #346 29 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – The Storm Before the Calm #346 29 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – The Storm Before the Calm. The gig was a huge success, despite the best efforts of Storm Arwen, and I can honestly say that I haven’t been blown like that for quite a while. Road signs all over Liverpool were copying the revellers in the town centre by lying face down in the street. There was a great response to our show and we matched the orchestral pop and psych-chamber-pop-madrigalia with an equally stunning live show that featured Fire Tweeters (live tweeting pictures of f
Furlough Fashion – Tea-usday #347 30 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Tea-usday #347 30 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Tea-usday. After the rigours of the rock star life it was nice to get back to a less hedonistic routine and rather than dining on green room S&Ms (they are the all-black M&Ms) washed down with Shambrusco (a knock-off Lambrusco that tastes like paint thinner and lemon Panda Pops), I return to the more civilised act of drinking tea, or brown nectar of the gods as Greek Philosopher Steepus of Tetles called it. Kate often finds me with my pinkie extended lapping away at Lady Grey,
Furlough Fashion- Red Hot #345 26 November 2021
Furlough Fashion- Red Hot #345 26 November 2021
Furlough Fashion- Red Hot. It's only one day until the band take to the stage and so I have been getting my stage outfit ready. As the band is called Skylon I had designed a tribute to our namesake with an outfit that was 300ft high and illuminated from within but as the ceiling on the venue is only about 20ft high I had to give up on this idea. So I decided to go for some old school glamour with an outfit from exclusive Bond Street store 'Tongue In Chic' and their 'No Sooner Red Than Nun' range
Furlough Fashion – Wickens 7-inch Wednesday #343 24 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens 7-inch Wednesday #343 24 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens 7-inch Wednesday. All those years ago when we moved into Queenswood Mansions together lots of things get duplicated and you have to keep or cut lots of things. For example, we were never going to need two copies of the book ‘How to Meet Someone Awesome and Move In With Them’ because we had already done that, but two solid marble baths with gold celestial taps (Cherubim for hot and Seraphim for cold, obviously) were always going to be useful.

I was resolute about not
Furlough Fashion – My Red Maracas #342 23 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – My Red Maracas #342 23 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – My Red Maracas. With a gig looming this weekend I have been trying to get match fit, especially on percussion where I have become a little rusty. I’ve often said Kate is better on my bongos than I am and think of the frenzied berserker she becomes on cowbell when donning her Wickotron persona. As you can imagine from the size of my dressing up box, my wrists are pretty strong but to get them ready for the weekend maracas are the perfect instrument, as you get to practice grip,
Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Prick Monday #341 22 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Prick Monday #341 22 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Just Another Man Prick Monday. Well, I’ve collected the set: 2 x Astro-Senna-pod and one Pfizzier booster (or two space laxatives and a soda stream as the person injecting me said that no one ever referred to them as). The drop-in centre was trialling a new injection method where they go through the nostril and up to the forehead and I was to expect a small prick in my hair, but they didn’t find “not for the first time” funny.

They did warn me there would be some side effects
Furlough Fashion-Gone to Farrah? #340 19 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Gone to Farrah? #340 19 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Gone to Farrah? The 1970s were grey and gloomy in the UK but for someone like me who was a TV child it was a decade where all the colour came from American TV programmes. The Six Million Dollar Man, Battlestar Galactica, Wonder Woman, Charlie’s Angels and of course acres of cartoons like Scooby Doo, Tomfoolery and Speed Buggy. Stars were big and so was their hair. None more so than Farrah Fawcett whose hair had more volume than a Motörhead concert. She was an Angel, married Stev
Furlough Fashion – Potions 11 #339 18 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Potions 11 #339 18 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Potions 11. This is the sad tale of Dr. Dorothy Freckle (dotty to her friends) who hated her freckles so much that she got a master’s degree from Laboratoires Garnier in Chemistry, Potions and Lotions and tried to cure herself of her perceived affliction. Late at night she would sneak into the chemistry lab and mix up batches of liquids she hoped would be the perfect de-freckler. There were 11 batches in all, ranging in effect: one batch used tree sap and turned her into Mr. H
FF SR 338 17 November 2021
FF SR 338 17 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Wickens En Point Wednesday. Most people don’t know that Kate is an avid ballet fan, well versed in the five basic positions, as well as knowing the Pas de Basque, Pas de Bourrée and Pas de Basque (she finds the corsetry too restrictive for dance). You should also see her grand battement, Cabriolé (which she does with her top down) and Vaganova method*. She idolises all the stars such Rudolph Nurofen (whose muscles never ached, hence the name of the drug), Mikhail Kalashnikov, an
Furlough Fashion – Wicks Tuesday #337 16 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wicks Tuesday #337 16 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wicks Tuesday. I have been contacted by the Candle Marketing Board (they used to be the Candle Union of National something or other but there were complaints) as they think that the recent rise in energy prices might lead to a greater demand in their product. They thought that giving candles a fashion makeover would help send sales rocketing. So, I thought of the 1800s, the golden age of candles when a Manchester pewterer patented a machine that revolutionised candle making by
Furlough Fashion-All fall down #336 15 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-All fall down #336 15 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-All fall down. I was getting Kate to photograph me while I practiced my fashion moves: the tippy-tappy walk, the slow-turn-with-head-looking-back-over-the-shoulder-smouldering eyes, the stop-and-drop-the-jacket-reveal-the-bustier, the don’t-care-that-you-can-see-my-nipples-thru-this-top and many others and then I took a nasty tumble, something only made worse by the laugh from Kate as she shouted “Got it! What’s that move called ‘Leg’s Akimbo’”. Once I got over my embarrassment
Furlough Fashion-That Was the Squeak That Was #335 12 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-That Was the Squeak That Was #335 12 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-That Was the Squeak That Was. It’s all go at Queenswood Mansions as the first Friday of every second to last week in any Month with a waxing gibbous Moon means that we put on the Rubber-Dub-Dub Club. There’s something delicious about the combination tight fitting clothes getting vibrated by the kind of sub-sub-sub-sub bass that reorganises your internal organs so up goes the latex wallpaper in the basement grotto and out comes the BIG speakers ready for the Wick-U Sound System t
Furlough Fashion – Chew Chew #334 11 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Chew Chew #334 11 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Chew Chew. Last night in the main ballroom at Queenswood Mansions we held the 2021 ‘Chewing Gum Awards’ with the tagline: ‘If you’re looking for bubbles, then you’ve come to the right place’. We celebrated the origins of gum as far back as Neolithic times when we chewed birch bark tar and honored accountant Water Diemer’s who’s recipe for Blibber Blubber in 1928 gave rise to Bubblegum as it was less sticky that regular gum and stretched more easily.

All the usual suspects wer
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #333 10 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday #333 10 November 2021
Wickens Wednesday. Kate felt I need to do more than just cover my plums in honey and do a few squats in the morning so today she started me on her new keep fit regime ‘Wickercise’. She shook me firmly at 5am to get me up, and then we headed to the Queenswood Mansions workout room to get started (I call it Gym Henson as we look like right Muppets when we exercise).

‘Wickercise’ is based on the core skills prevalent in Gymnastics: balance, strength, flexibility, agility, coordination, endurance a
Furlough Fashion - Morning Glory #332 09 November 2021
Furlough Fashion - Morning Glory #332 09 November 2021
Furlough Fashion - Morning Glory. A morning routine is so important, especially as I am now off to work every day. It’s good to have regular movements so I do a lot of stretches and squats an, as breakfast is the most important meal of day, I make sure it’s balanced and healthy. I like to have honey on my plums to start and then dunk my crusty baguette into a steaming bowl of coffee; wakes me right up.

Kate snapped this picture of me at the breakfast bar with another morning favourite: my own t
Furlough Fashion-Oh Happy Day #331 08 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Oh Happy Day #331 08 November 2021
Furlough Fashion-Oh Happy Day. Well, what a weekend that was! The complete Happy Days DVD boxed set finally arrived so I immersed myself in the lives of Richie, Joanie, Howard and Marion, Potsie, Ralph and, of course, the one and only Fonz. The way he snaps his fingers and women just appear next to him is something that my 16 years old said was also able to do but sadly in reverse. Due to my hair being as orange as a pink bin on fire I called Ralph Malph a lot when I was at school but having wat
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #5 #330 05 November 2021
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #5 #330 05 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #5
Finally dress down Friday and I can show the people in the office my two loves: being fashionistary and my love of Canadian sci-fi series ‘Spacepants Patrol’. You may remember my admiration for Spaff Manitoba who played the Chief Head of Security and commander of the battle cruiser Star Beaver but today I am going to work as the Mercenary, space-scoundrel, weapons expert and rakish ne’er-do-well Tush Perkyson. Who can forget her battle cry of “Yo
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #4 #329 04 November 2021
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #4 #329 04 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #4
Yesterday at work I took possession of my new executive office chair, the Flexichromaloid Gluteus-Maxilator Z1000 Ghia, made by Fondo Entumecido. It’s made from the same materials as F1 cars such as aramids, Zylon, highly oriented polyethylene filaments, thermoplastic toughened epoxies, and kitten tears. It comes with 22 phone book sized manuals and I have just worked out how to sit on it but apparently there are controls to adjust pitch, yaw, al
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday #328 01 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – Wickens Wednesday #328 01 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – What A Wickens Wednesday To Make A Living #3
No, it’s not down to an explosion in a Bisto factory, but Kate has been keen to combat Seasonal Affected Disorder with a number of things to make Autumn/Winter feel less like they have their hooks in us. She sourced a money off voucher from Gertcher (set up by remaining Chas & Dave member Dave Peacock) and after work yesterday we headed off to redeem it at the East End’s ‘Stand By Your Tan’ (we had also looked at ‘TiTANic’, ‘Tan 9 F
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #2 #327 02 November 2021
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #2 #327 02 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #2
The new job seems to be going well and there was much admiration for my stripey outfit, although a few people did confuse me for blinds and tried to open or close during the day. I’ve made it a red sweater day with this top from online wool vendors ‘I got 99 Problems But The Stitch Ain’t One’.

I was also reminded of the lyrics for ‘This Darning Man’ which was written about the wool trade in Manchester during the black and white times: “A jumper
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #1 #326 01 November 2021
Furlough Fashion–What A Way To Make A Living #1 #326 01 November 2021
Furlough Fashion – What A Way To Make A Living #1. Well, today is the day I had to tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition. Yes, the life of a stay-at-home fashionista, musician, writer and full time dreamer had to end at some point, and I am now heading off for my first (temp) job since being made redundant in May. However, this doesn’t mean that fashion standards should slip so I have chosen a look that should set the tone. I've matched my level of professi
FF SR 325 29 October 2021
FF SR 325 29 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.5. A Gottle of Fear. If you were to make a list of the scariest things ever to cause goosebumps, vertical hair or loss of bladder control then the top ten would include Clowns, Anne Widdecombe and Ventriloquist Dolls. Derived from venter (belly) and loqui (speak) Ventriloquimeism can be okay but when it’s one of those creepy little wooden buggers that look like a voodoo doll of Jimmy Carr then chills abound.

So today I am continuing my obsession with
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.4 #324 28 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.4 #324 28 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.4. I’m trying out costumes and have always loved the James Whale Universal horror films including ‘The Bride of Frankenstein’ (although I guess it should technically be called ‘The Bride of Frankenstein’s Monster’ or ‘Monster Snuggles’ or ‘I Love You To Bits’ or ‘Something Volt, Something Screwed, Some Things Borrowed, Say I Do’). I have always been taken with Elsa Lancaster’s portrayal of the Bride so have decided to go with it as my trick or treat co
Furlough Fashion-Halloween Week-Vickens Vednesday #323 27 October 2021
Furlough Fashion-Halloween Week-Vickens Vednesday #323 27 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.3. Vickens Vednesday. I have been thinking about the career of the Chuckle Brothers since Barry sadly died in 2018. I had an idea for remaining brother Paul in which he would pair up with a Chuckle sister for more slapstick fun but this time in some genre-based comedy. Given the time of year and the success of films like ‘Vampires Suck’, ‘Fangs Giving’ and the sexy-horror ‘What A Prick’, I have been working on the comedy-horror trilogy of ‘Chuckula’ (t
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.2 #322 26 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.2 #322 26 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.2. One of the lesser-known horror films of the season is ‘Hallowiener’ a 1950s B-Movie about a German sausage and Pumpkin seller called Frank Furter who is wrongly accused of an unspeakable crime and killed by the local rural farmers and put up in as field as a warning to others. He was actually innocent so comes back from the dead as the Pump King who bludgeons his victims with his enormous sausage whilst uttering his catchphrase: “This is a fate wurs
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.1. #321 25 October 2021
Furlough Fashion–Hallowe’en Fashion Week-No.1. #321 25 October 2021
Furlough Fashion – Hallowe’en Fashion Week - No.1. Despite our stiff upper lips, the fact that it’s an American import, the English seem to have embraced Hallowe’en as another day to set of fireworks and dress their kids up as Pinhead from Hellraiser, Freddy Kruger or Casper the Irritating Ghost. Like most people my age I only knew it from Peanuts cartoons and was fascinated by enormous orange root vegetables, ironically one of my nicknames at school. Those of you that know me well know that I o
Furlough Fashion - Friday Tipple #320 22 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday Tipple #320 22 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday Tipple. I might always be on trend but that can sometimes mean being a little off the cuff or, in this case, off the shoulder. I like to describe myself as rakish and the personal statement on my fashion CV says I am a louche canon, foot louche and fancy free and definitely have a screw louche (I think I had just found the word louche in the dictionary when I wrote it). And Fridays are loucher that every other day as we can all look forward to a tipple at the end of the
Furlough Fashion - The Final Waterproof Curtain #319 21 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Final Waterproof Curtain #319 21 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Final Waterproof Curtain. As the days get wetter and the nights get longer fashion becomes more important than ever. It keeps us dry, warm and stylish, and there is a must have item for this winter season, one you will be finding all over your catalogues and online stores like ASOS, boohoo and TinyPrettyBotoxedYoungThing. You probably touch it every morning, rub right up against it and don't even think twice. That's right, it's a shower curtain. I've been following the tra
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Opera Wednesday #318 20 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Opera Wednesday #318 20 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Opera Wednesday. Over lockdown I was encouraged by Kate to listen to more opera and this, combined with my love of pizza, has led us to amuse ourselves putting on occasional hour-long lunchtime shows. Kate is remarkable at Tosca, you should see how she handles The Magic Flute and you can't beat the feeling of her arias. I like to do my own versions of the classics such as 'Der Rosenkavalier, about a man's love for his red Vauxhall Cavalier, 'Eugene Onegin Line', about
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Spirits #317 19 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Spirits #317 19 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Spirits. What happens when ghosts die? It's a question that all viewers of Channel 5 shows like 'Ghosts: What a Bunch of Hunters', 'Spooky Knockings' and 'Ghost Boasters' ask. I figure that if there are commissioning editors out there foolhardy enough to throw money at these show and I need the work then why not make my own show. So I am working on 'Ghost Ghosts' in which I, Fran Tasm, go searching for spooks, spectres and spirits with my para-abnormal co-presenters Wr
Furlough Fashion - Monday Come Down #316 18 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Monday Come Down #316 18 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Monday Come Down. Well, I am just plum tuckered out as New England people in the 1830s were wont to say. All of the efforts to please Kate on her Birthday have left me dog tired, shattered, fagged out, sapped, spent, dead beat, whacked and not too mention pooped (I did apologise to Kate for the last one but it happens sometimes when I get excited).

So, today is going to be all about curling up on the sofa with a steaming mug of tea and feeling all snugly in my cerise houseco
Furlough Fashion - Grammar we love you #315 14 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Grammar we love you #315 14 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Grammar we love you. As I dressed this morning in preparation for day 4 of Kate's Birthday week (she'll be anticipating a sponge finger with her morning cup of tea) I decided to pair my azure top from 'Knit's A Wonderful Life' with a matching bow to set off my cascading locks. And then I started thinking of all the odd spellings or pronunciations of words that have developed over the years.

For example, you can row a boat or have a row with someone, you can put a bow in your
FF SR 314 13 October 2021
FF SR 314 13 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wash Wickens Wednesday. In the week leading up to Kate's birthday a lot of things change in Queenswood Mansions. The bunting comes down from the loft above the North Wing, the catering staff start buying in the vast quantities of baking materials for her 14 tiered Birthday cake, the finest Bresse chicken and freshest peas are ordered for her birthday tea and a tanker of Stones Ginger Wine is dispatched from the factory ready to slake Kate's Birthday thirst. Part of the Birthda
FF SR 313 12 October 2021
FF SR 313 12 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Chin Chuff Tuesday. As well as fashion, one or two of you might know that I occasionally dabble in music and can be found getting my Melodica out on the Underground or surprising passers-by in Covent Garden with my Russian Bassoon. But you might not know that I present a music show called 'Mūzika Piepilda Mūsu Dvēseli' on Latvian cable television under the name Lee Van Clef. There's discussion about all aspects of music and we've had guest appearances from K-Pop sensations Tee
Furlough Fashion - Licenced to Twill #312 11 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Licenced to Twill #312 11 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Licenced to Twill. Having finally seen the new Bond film (don't worry, no spoilers) I appreciate that while Bond is dapper in his suits and casuals, it's really the Bond Women who wear the most fashionistically fashionable outfits. Who can forget Ursula Andress's bikini, or Luciana Paluzzi's bikini, or Martine Beswick's bikini, or Britt Ekland's bikini, or Halle Berry's bikini, or Jill St. John's bikini, or Diana Rigg's bikini, or Caroline Munroe's bikini, or Sophie Marceau's
If It Ain't Quiff, It Ain't Worth a Frock #311 08 October 2021
If It Ain't Quiff, It Ain't Worth a Frock #311 08 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - If It Ain't Quiff, It Ain't Worth A Frock. To paraphrase the song...'quiff a picture paints a thousand words...' and as you can see here I have made today's style choice all about the erect coiffure. I was inspired by Aldous Huxley's less popular short story 'The Pompadours of Perception' in which he takes mescaline and visits the barber to get this outrageous hairdo. So, this morning, I dropped a couple of Junior Aspirins and washed them down with a double espresso and once t
Furlough Fashion - Close to the 'bone #310 07 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Close to the 'bone #310 07 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Close to the 'bone. In a bid to expand my musical repertoire I have been learning the trombone, mainly because I learned that it can do more than make life funnier using the classic "waap-waap-waaa" sound. Apparently it is used in reggae, ska and even orchestras with pieces written by composers like Stockhausen, Cage, Globokar, and Miff Mole and His Little Molers. Even outside music it has a valuable place in society and you can donate trombone marrow to other players, have Tr
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wordsmith Wednesday #309 06 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wordsmith Wednesday #309 06 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wordsmith Wednesday. Every few months during lockdown Kate and I have been taking part in Middle-Class Rap Battles organised on Zoom by 'Spin & Tonic' magazine. We have been doing this for over a year now (not sure why I haven't mentioned it before) under the name 'The Beastley Noise' and, while I handle the 12 inches as DJ Happy Spinnish, Kate is like a rap M134 Minigun* as MC Pic'n'Wix, with the ferocity of her rhymes quite often bringing the opposition to tears at w
Furlough Fashion - Totally Wired #308 05 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Totally Wired #308 05 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Totally Wired. Well that was a tense night! There I was happily planning today's outfit, and the social media campaign that would reach my ones of fans, when the lights dimmed, social media crashed, and the bottom fell out of my world. I leapt up and headed straight to the Queenswood Mansions You've Got A Nerve Centre to find the source of the problem. I checked the first database and then the second (which is why it's known as the SQL), realigned the Franginal Poles and Turi
Furlough Fashion - For Coffee #307 04 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - For Coffee #307 04 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - For Coffee! What finer solution can there be to the weak start to the week, the Monday Malaise, than a steaming cup of coffee. Some call it Java, a Cup of Joe, a Demitasse, Wake Up Juice, The Brown Clown, a Roasted Rocket Ride to Happy Town or Umber Wumba and whether you like to decoct, plunge, go instant or tease out your grounds into a Mocha-Choca-Frappespresso-Cortadoccino then it can defibrillate your day.

It is said that coffee was first discovered centuries ago by Kaldi
Furlough Fashion - Winter's Coming #305 01 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Winter's Coming #305 01 October 2021
Furlough Fashion - Winter's Coming. With the weather getting more angry and the sky getting greyer than John Major's Spitting Image puppet, it's a good time to take stock of your autumn and winter wardrobe. I keep a special 'Wet & Cold' section of the walk-in warehouse at Queenswood Mansions (it's in the next unit to 'Hot & Wet' and underneath 'Moist & Steamy'). Every year I wake up my wellies and waterproofs, plump up my Parka, creosote my cagoule and fluff up my fleeces.

You can see me here
FF SR 304 30 September 2021
FF SR 304 30 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Let's Wist Again. Much as I enjoy writing and performing music under the extremely pretentious name of paulfcook I have decided to release an album under the name Brenda Jaguar. It's going to be a collection of pensive guitar poems called 'The Wistful Guitar'. There are so many guitarists who pride themselves on being able to play thousands of notes per second: Steve Viaduct, Al Di Viola, Eddie Van Inhaler and Albertly (I'm doing these from memory), but I don't want to compete
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Hairy Wednesday #303 29 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Hairy Wednesday #303 29 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Hairy Wednesday. There are so many jukebox musicals around at the moment Kate and I thought we would jump on the bandwagon and write one ourselves. We both love a dystopian sci-fi film and settled on 'Planet of the Vapes' a contemporary take on the 1968 film. In ours, simian-DNA has been added to Vape liquid ultimately leading to people turning into apes and taking over the world, with humans becoming dumb slaves to their Ape overlords. All except for fierce time trave
Furlough Fashion-Pull the wool over my eyes #302 28 September 2021
Furlough Fashion-Pull the wool over my eyes #302 28 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - You can pull the wool over my eyes. After the excesses of yesterday's birthday celebrations I am pooped, and that is quite a messy start to the day I can tell you. But I have fond memories of the boulevard party thrown by my neighbours (the road Queenswood Mansions sits on is too wide to be called a mere street). There was a performance from Faux Dolce (the best Joe Dolce* tribute act I've ever seen) a firework display and aerial acrobatics from my favourite Rastafarian displa
Furlough Fashion - Back in Saddle #301 27 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back in Saddle #301 27 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back in Saddle. Last night I could barely sleep with the giddy excitement of today's Birthday but when my bear, Tedward Snufflekins III, and I finally drifted off last night we could not imagine what an amazing present from Kate awaited us today. After years of wishing, searching and hoping my dream has finally come true and I went from giddy to giddy-up as I am now the proud owner of 'Milk Thunder' a vintage 1950s bouncy-horse. He is in mint condition with all his original ac
Furlough Fashion - FF#299 20 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - FF#299 20 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - FF299. On the eve of Furlough Fashion 300 the song is near completion and I thought I would share a picture Kate took of me relaxing after a marathon Melodica and Omnichord session. I always wear this leather jacket when recording and mixing as it it was once owned by legendary engineer and producer Glyn Glyns, known as 'Knob Jockey' for his ability to 'ride the mixing desk' like Lester Piggott. He later had to jettison the nickname as it came to mean something different.

The
Furlough Fashion - Down the Sound Hole #298 10 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Down the Sound Hole #298 10 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Down the Sound Hole. This will be the last post for just over a week as I need to spend time in Gingersound (or Flabby Road, as Kate calls it), the recording studio housed in the sub-sub-basement of Queenswood Mansions preparing for the 300th post which will feature the third cover version done in the Furlough Fashion name. I need to deep clean the desk to ensure my knobs twiddle easily, as well as I polish my Aston (that's a mic) and make sure my stand is oiled enough to go u
Furlough Fashion - Catalogica Furlotannica #297 09 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Catalogica Furlotannica #297 09 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Catalogica Furlotannica. In the nearly 300 posts you will appreciate that my knowledge of shops, online and high street, is extensive. If you are looking for anything from a LBD, the perfect coat, scarf, tiara, footwear or under garments that would make a statue blush, then I will know where to go. From off the peg to bespoke, vintage scruff to couture muffs, my fashion antennae are constantly on alert for the best place to shop.

I realised it was time to share my knowledge
FF SR 296 08 September 2021
FF SR 296 08 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Sci-fi Wednesday. It's a little known fact that at the height of the 1970s comedy series women did not fair so well, often being the literal butt of a joke. But there was one comedy sci-fi series (a spin-off of 'Spacepants Patrol') where the balance was redressed, and a strong woman took the lead over the Buck, Flash or Kirk. It was called 'Wanda Lust - Space Mercenary Rebel'. Wanda had tested well with audiences and so producer Sharon Spelling persuaded the heads of t
Furlough Fashion - beside the PVC side #295 07 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - beside the PVC side #295 07 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - I do like to be beside the PVC side. Somedays diaphanous silks and chunky knits are just too prone to float or flap about and you need something that hugs the skin like, well, a second skin. As you will have seen from March and November 2020, or May this year, some days only PVC or Latex will do. That joy from the smell of the rubber (but hopefully not the pencil), the cloudular-sploof of the talcum powder that helps guide it into place, and the satisfying squeaks and crinkles
Furlough Fashion - Mesmerising Monday #294 06 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Mesmerising Monday #294 06 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Mesmerising Monday. I was looking at Friday's moustache from 'Knit's A Wonderful Life' in the bathroom mirror and then suddenly found myself clucking clucking like a chicken whilst eating an onion and I also knew for certain that Mr Royston from the house on the corner was expecting a call from his proctologist to give him the all clear and say that it was the Lego Darth Vader they found that was causing him problems. And then it hit me, I had become a hypnotist and mind reade

Click the image to see all the text; dreadful puns and all

Furlough Fashion - Knit's A Wonderful Life #293 03 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Knit's A Wonderful Life #293 03 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Knit's A Wonderful Life. This week has shown us the first creeping signs of Autumn and we must prepare for steamed up glasses, finding 1 glove out of 2, scarves, dog poo hiding under leaves, thinking about electric blankets and stocking up on Heinz tomato soup. So I popped down to the walk-in warehouse and started going through suitable clothes.

Being a consummate fashionista I know you will be looking to me for what colours are going to be in this season so I put this look
Furlough Fashion - Who Watches the Watchers #292 02 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Who Watches the Watchers #292 02 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Who Watches the Watchers. Having had more time on my hands in recent months I got involved with Neighbourhood Watch. I had intended to join the Neighbourhood Swatch group so I could sell and trade selection of paint swatches which include rare items like 'Beige of Consent', 'Spume', 'Back2TheFuchsia', 'Dandruff', 'Gordon's Shame', and 'Zomp'.

However, now I'm in Neighbourhood Watch I find it strangely enjoyable. As Queenswood Mansions is situated in an effluent upper-lower-up
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Guest Wednesday #291 01 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Guest Wednesday #291 01 September 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Guest Wednesday. There have been many reboots of the Charlie Angels franchise but none have focused on maths. But thanks to a night out with Fashionista Jemma Lockett and cowbell expert Kate (Wickotron) Wickens this is set to change. Jemma and Kate not only love to throw shapes but appreciate the angles contained within their borders, and unlike Diana Ross they know more than 3 degrees.

So together we have worked up a pitch for 'Charlie's Angles', where three maths ge
Furlough Fashion - Back in Sheer Black #290 31 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back in Sheer Black #290 31 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back in Sheer Black. The annual wash is over, the Jumperloompas have been paid well above minimum wage and sent on their way, and the walk-in warehouse now smells like a summer meadow riding a florists into a perfume shop. While my clothes were getting wet and enjoying a good tumble I kept a minimal set of clothes back for the week (mostly the things that, like me, need a good hand wash) including this delightfully diaphanous outfit from Cumbrian outfitters 'Boudoir Friends in
Furlough Fashion - My Beautiful Laundrette #289 20 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - My Beautiful Laundrette #289 20 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - My Beautiful Laundrette. Down in the deep dark labyrinthine basement of Queenswood Mansions lurks a vast array of industrial washers and dryers that for 358 days of the year lay dormant like slumbering giants. But once a year I warn the National Grid before powering up the basement generator and goods elevator and calling in the scores of fashion-savvy workers (or Jumperloompas, as I call them) to help me undertake the annual wash and dry clean of everything in the walk-in war
Furlough Fashion - Rootin' Tootin' Thursday #288 19 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Rootin' Tootin' Thursday #288 19 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Rootin' Tootin' Thursday. I'm sure the cult TV fans amongst you will remember the short-lived 1970's show 'Fanny Might Get Her Gun' featuring Amber Redgreen as Fanny the Ambivalent Gunslinger. It was an ill-conceived attempt by Dutch counter-culture film director Kurt Von Brusque to break into television. He might have been renowned for cult classics such as 'The Penny Farthing Killers', 'Contradicto', 'Tilt', 'The Insufferable Tightness of Seeing' and 'Je Moet Tijd Over Hebbe
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Big Hair Wednesday #287 18 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Big Hair Wednesday #287 18 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Big Hair Wednesday. Some people say you shouldn't drink and style hair but I think you'll agree this picture tells a different story. Last night was Tequila Tuesday and amidst a boisterous singalong to our 'I Drink Therefore I Am' Spotify playlist Kate went off to find more margarita mix. She was gone from Dr. Feelgood's 'Milk and Alcohol' all the way to 'Beer Barrel Polka' by the Andrew Sisters but when she came back she was brandishing a box containing an array of it
Furlough Fashion - Better Pout than In #285 16 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Better Pout than In #285 16 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Better Pout than In. The perspicacity of pert lips is something I take very seriously. I have a number of morning regimens to ensure this fashionista stays looking taut and alert and avoids sagging and slippage. I do 200 pouting reps, 50 left-eyebrow raises (there's nothing like attaching a sky-high eyebrow to a withering look) and 100 nostril flares. I then move onto the workout developed by French gym instructor Anne Erobic which creates fab abs and targets the biceptuals an
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #284 13 August 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #284 13 August 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks - final in the series #5 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink and splendification of spirits is dedicated to the 1930s songwriter and lyricist Cole Minor who made millions from his work on Broadway shows like 'Ten Tiny Toes', 'Hitch Your Wagon', 'The Gay Bachelor', 'Kiss Me On The Poopdeck' and 'Small Venus'.

He wrote some of the biggest tunes of his age such as 'Don't Be So Beastly, Mrs Priestley', 'Crank the Handle Of My Music Box', 'Go Nuts For
Furlough Fashion - Oh Captain, my Captain #283 12 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Oh Captain, my Captain #283 12 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Oh Captain, my Captain. It was on this day in 1930 that Clarence Birdseye was granted a patent for his frozen food process, little did he know this would spawn one of the most iconic characters in television and film: Captain Birdseye.

Everybody has their favourite Bond (Connery, Craig, Premium or Brooke) or their favourite Doctor (Baker, Pertwee, Zhivago or & The Medics) and my favourite Captain is Captain Birdseye. Not just any of them, but the original, portrayed by actor
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wailing Wednesday #282 11 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wailing Wednesday #282 11 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wailing Wednesday. Kate and I have been indulging in a Spanner Horror film marathon. These are titles made between 1950 and 1978 at Spanner Film Studios; so called because the company set up in an old post-war spanner factory.

Today we are recreating one of our favourite films 'Dr. Mesmo and The Cabinet of Calamities' from 1956, the one where Dr. Mesmo hates good looking people and invents the 'Lemonator Ray' which makes people feel they have been sucking lemons and f
Furlough Fashion - Handling 16mm #281 10 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Handling 16mm #281 10 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Handling 16mm. At the weekend I was rummaging through some boxes in the south wing of the loft at Queenswood Mansions and found my Bolex. I haven't seen my Bolex since I did my degree in Film, Photography and the Pretentious Arts back in the late 80s. How fondly I don't remember all those lectures on the post-modernist hegemony and psychoanalytical dialecticism of semiotic discourse in sex, text and politics, patriarchal fundamentalism and the atavism of capitalist doctrine.

Furlough Fashion #280 09 August 2021
Furlough Fashion #280 09 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Montagues and the Capulets, the Sharks and the Jets, the Starks and the Lannister's, the Hatfield's and the McCoy's, the Campbells and MacDonald's, the Autobots and Decepticons; all warring factions. And so it is with Spots and Stripes, so often to be found at opposite sides of the tracks or at either side of the dancefloor at the school disco. Well I say no more! There is enough prejudice in the world without fashion adding to the problem.

So, today I have scoured my wal
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #4 #279 06 August 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #4 #279 06 August 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #4 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and tipple to toast is dedicated to Ronnie Egg the Gentleman-Geezer barman who single handedly gentrified the East End bar scene in the noughties. Before Ronnie, the East End was a demilitarised zone where people would put on Pitbull tea dances, or bet on what to bet on, smoke and drink brown beer and fizzy lager in order to wash away the memory of a hard day down the Pasta Mines owned by Wait
Furlough Fashion - Gig Day! #278 05 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Gig Day! #278 05 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Gig Day! So, tonight's the night when I play live music on stage for the first time since 2019. I take to the stage with Skylon so we can bring you our relaxed pastoral songs...with a razor-storm of ear-bleeding SHREDDING! plus time and space warping power chords! I'm giving Furlough Fashion fans a sneak peak behind the curtain at my outfit for tonight and will share a few of my guitar secrets.

It's a little known fact that TV's Fred Dinenage (from 'How') is a legendary guita
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Wednesday #277 04 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Wednesday #277 04 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Wednesday: Unlike the photographic studio, ballroom, nightclub, arboretum, the various bars and games rooms, not all of the rooms at Queenswood Mansions have a practical purpose. Take for example the Green Grotto. Kate loves a grotto. She loves a grotto so much I think she has undiagnosed with grottofelia, so we commissioned the Dutch master of grottological architecture, Ruben Gat Indringer who did a fabulous job converting the old ice room in the basement into a ver
Furlough Fashion - Retro Tuesday #276 03 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Retro Tuesday #276 03 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Retro Tuesday. As a society we have never been more nostalgic for nostalgia, so I have been thinking of setting up a YouTube channel to celebrate the 1970s, that decade of flares, mullets, ponchos, Spirograph, Evel Knievel, Punk, Disco, Jaws, Rollerball and Bugsy Malone. Of course, nostalgia ignores the the Vietnam War, the Oil Crisis, sexism & crimplene.

Anyway, I digress. I am preparing my first project 'The Probe', a review show featuring my snake-hipped alter-ego Peter Fl
Furlough Fashion - Daily Grind #2 - 275 02 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Daily Grind #2 - 275 02 August 2021
Furlough Fashion - Daily Grind #2. There are some Mondays when you never fully wake up and sleep clings to you like that tiny bit of static plastic that never lets go after you have unwrapped something. Today was one of those days; like shoelaces that formed a Gordian Knot I could barely disentangle myself from our summer tog duvet and pull on the designer housecoat I bought from 'Chores Sincerely'.

The only thing to do was to grind my beans early than my usual mid-morning plunge. So I headed
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #3 #274 30 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #3 #274 30 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #3 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and quickness to quench is dedicated to Queenie Martini the doyenne of 1970s night life. Her hedonism was legendary and, with her tousled bob and a cocktail dress, she ruled the underground club scene well into the 90s. She ran warehouse parties and illegal raves and opened straight nights, gay nights, TV nights, Cabaret nights and more. She once said the only thing she wouldn't open was a let
Furlough Fashion - Diabetes sucks! #273 29 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Diabetes sucks! #273 29 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Diabetes sucks! "What happened to your lollipop business?", I have had so many people not ask me. The 'Big Suckers' range I announced in May this year didn't go so well as they would have retailed at £500 per lollipop, so I had to change direction. Like myself, diabetics are everywhere now and our tolerant society allows us to drive, hold down jobs and even stay in their pre-diabetic relationships, whereas even 15 years ago we would have been cast out to live in a sugar-free w
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday: Show Us Your Cop #272 28 July 2021
Furlough Fashion-Wickens Wednesday: Show Us Your Cop #272 28 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Show Us Your Cop! Kate and I have been binge watching some old cop shows from the 1970s and discovered a little known show that only ran for 6 episodes: 'Fists of Justice' which featured husband & wife crime-fighting team Lancelot & Ophelia Fist. Lancelot Fist is an International Architect/Pilot and Mountain Climber who got lost during a expedition and was saved by the Shaolin Monks of Shangri-La who trained him in the deadly art of Dǐ-kǒng. Ophelia Fist is
Furlough Fashion - Titanic Tuesday #271 27 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Titanic Tuesday #271 27 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Titanic Tuesday. these last few days I have been traversing the country from London to Liverpool in order to work on a new musical project. News of a gig will follow, but I wanted give you lovely people a sneak-peak at the instrument I will doing some robust plucking on. It's been years in development, and over 500 people have been involved, from drawing board to construction, and it's called The Hulkulele. It's a marvel.

Part of the reason for working with Liverpool-based mu
Furlough Fashion - The Daily Grind #270 26 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Daily Grind #270 26 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Daily Grind. As I've got older I have realised I like things a lot hotter than I did in my youth. Hot, salty and peppery are my new holy trinity so I was therefore cock-a-hoop to have discovered 'Grinder' who abide by the simple rule set out on Wikipedia: "grind hard between two revolving abrasive surfaces separated by a distance usually set by the user". They have an outlet for their wares in a backstreet near Kings Cross and offer a full range of sizes from the 'Piccolo'
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #269 23 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #269 23 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, and thirst for thirst is dedicated to the King of Shaker Makers, the Welsh Wizard of Wetting One's Whistle: Aneurin Bevvy. Aneurin worked in the grand bar of Wales' plushest hotel The Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch Hilton.

It was here that he created stylish cocktails such as the Snowdonia: a snowball chilled using ice from the mountain top, The No.2: dark Kahlúa w
Furlough Fashion - Nice Tips #268 22 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Nice Tips #268 22 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Nice Tips. When the mercury starts to rise, the best place to be at Queenswood Mansions is in the games room which is fitted with a 'Frost In Space 3000' air conditioner and also has a bar which we rescued from 'The Queen's Legs' which closed in 2010. We can kick back with a cold beer and play a game of Pool and interestingly, some historians say that the 'Pool' was derived from the French word 'poule' because the prize for winning such games was often a chicken.

The Games r
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Dance Yourself #267 21 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Dance Yourself #267 21 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Dance Yourself Fizzy. Most people know that Kate loves to dance, especially when drink has been taken and I have even seen her get up and dance to someone's ringtone and a novelty doorbell before. I only dance on months with hen's teeth in them but since we had the Queenswood Mansions' ballroom floor re-sprung, Kate has persuaded me to get me on the bouncy wood to learn some more moves.

So far, we've got to grips with classics like the Mango (a tropical ver
Furlough Fashion - Hot Spot #266 20 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Hot Spot #266 20 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Hot Spot. In this heat my mind always wanders to sub-Saharan Africa and the big cats that roam free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows. I've always been partial to a leopard and have been developing a range of sexy big cat costumes with online retailer 'Purrverts'. In the same way that people like Dr. Pimple Popper like to squeeze spots, I like to paint the spots, or rosettes as they are known, them on fabric as it sends the mind into a Zen state. This outf
Furlough Fashion - The Cycle of Life #265 19 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Cycle of Life #265 19 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - The Cycle of Life. I've never been one for cycling. As a pre-Teen I couldn't wait to get my hands on a Chopper and try out all 3 gear knob positions but my parents got me a Tomahawk which didn't have a knob to use (pretty much the story of my teenage years). But as an adult, the bike was just something that I only ever saw on the pavement when a courier was coming towards me.

But this year, as I was walking down the fast food part of our local high street, in between 'The Fry
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #264 16 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 #264 16 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #2 - This week's celebration of our devotion to drink, love of libation, benediction of the bladdered and crapulous credentials is dedicated to one of the best examples of nominative determinism, Bill Barman. Despite hailing from Yorkshire he emigrated to America in the 1920s and became the fabled landlord of New York watering hole 'The Eh Up'. He was also known by many other names given to him by the regulars: Bill the Bastard, Bastard Bill, Big Bastard Bill and s
Furlough Fashion - Jeans on Post #263 15 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Jeans on Post #263 15 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Jeans on Post. I have been in the market for a new pair of jeans recently so had to navigate the over-crowded market with so many designer brands from Levi Strauss, the waltzing businessman of the 1850s, Pepe, which are black with the distinctive white stripe, Wrangler, named after the wrinkled anglers who first popularised them and Gloria Vanderbilt, which were first built by Gloria Vander.

I eschewed stonewashed, faded, ripped, skinny, boot cut, half cut, pedal pushers and
FF SR 262 14 July 2021
FF SR 262 14 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday: Gilt Trip. You may remember the 'Solid Gold Cubbyhole' from April 2020, well Kate and I decided to take inspiration from this and create a bigger room; 79 square meters to be precise in honour of gold's atomic number. So, we knocked through from the tradesman's entrance at Queenswood Mansions and took out part of the vintage car garage and walk-in humidor to create a fully fledged Boudoir D'or. You'll be pleased to know that we didn't have to touch the wine
Furlough Fashion - Believe in the Sleeve #261 13 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Believe in the Sleeve #261 13 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Believe in the Sleeve. During one of the many cosplay days that happen at Queenswood Mansions I was routing around in my Wizard's sleeve, all fingers and thumbs, trying to pull out my wand before a particularly explosive expelliarmus went off, and I was shocked to realise I had never given sleeves the respect they are due.

Evolving from the hanging fabric of academic robes, sleeves became more fitted in the 14th century before modern manufacturing brought us the many variati
Furlough Fashion - Buongiorno amanti della moda #260 12 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Buongiorno amanti della moda #260 12 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Buongiorno amanti della moda. From my extensively poor knowledge of football rules I believe Italy now own England as a result of their win yesterday. At least Mario Draghi couldn't do any worse than the duplicitous, misshapen, bag of dirty washing that we currently have as Prime Minister. I for one, have decided to embrace my inner-Nonna and got up bright and early and say ciao to the day and start learning the culinary arts of the Bel Paese.

I've been coming up with all kin
Furlough Fashion - Ball In The Net Bonus. #259b 11 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Ball In The Net Bonus. #259b 11 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Ball In The Net Bonus. Those who know me well, know of my huge love for European American Football and will not be surprised that I have been counting the sleeps since our brave cockney millionaires took on the bacon people last Wednesday. So this weekend I sold a kidney and bought the official Ingerlan kit from JD Direct (because who doesn't love the smell of rubber and despair in their shops) and today I will be peacocking up and down in my licenced shoulder-padded top and E
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks No.1 #259 09 July 2021
Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks No.1 #259 09 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Furlough Fashion Friday Drinks #1. From now on Fridays will be a celebration of our devotion to drink, the love of libation, our benediction of booze, the inculcation of being in your cups. Each Friday I will be dressing as one of those fine people who work on the 'wrong side of the bar', those fine bartenders and mixologists who work hard so we can guzzle down a pint of something bitter, knock back a stiff one or pull the umbrella out of something fruity.

Today it's 'Untold
Furlough Fashion - Let's Get Physical #258 08 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Let's Get Physical #258 08 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Let's Get Physical. People have often commented on how I keep my figure so trim during lockdown. Well, I can reveal I have my own regimen called 'Fashionetics'. It draws from many disciplines including gymnastics, weights, extreme-house work, Boxolology and utilising on my black belt in origami. I get up at sunrise and pull on the exercise girdle and rayon shift I bought at 'Squat the Dickens' in Worksop, and head up to the sun deck of Queenswood Mansions' South Tower to face
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Criss-Cross Wednesday #257 07 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Criss-Cross Wednesday #257 07 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Criss-Cross Wednesday. Over recent weeks I've been looking at reinvigorating some old film franchises. One idea was to bring back a certain fedora wearing, whip-wielding hero but with a gender-twist as Indiana Jane, to be filmed in a exotic location and featuring a villain who is controlling one of the ten Hindu Goddesses: 'Indiana Jane & The Kali Bali Ding Dong'. I am also working on a comedy version of the horror series Nightmare on Elm Street series. This would dia
Furlough Fashion - Back to the Fuchsia II #256 06 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back to the Fuchsia II #256 06 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - Back to the Fuchsia II. You will of course remember my outfit from 20 November 2020, bought from purveryors of pink 'Back to the Fuchsia'. Well they got in touch recently to let me know they had a sale on their exclusive boudoir wear, and I can't resist the tease of a teddy. So I got this diaphanous outfit - called 'Rose Coquin' - from their Paris branch. 'Ooh La La' I hear you cry or 'la vache!', 'Quel génie!' or 'L'ancien singe roux me jette du caca'.

Having recently turned
Furlough Fashion - DDJ Breakfast #255 05 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - DDJ Breakfast #255 05 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - DDJ Breakfast. You've got to take care of yourself as you get older, so I take vitamin supplements such as A,B and C, because it's as easy as 1-2-3 and do-re-mi. But I did overdo it on the Omega-3 and took so many more than the recommended dose I started to find it easier to breath underwater. I wasn't worried until was carrying my bowl of sugar-less, Russian cereal 'Scorn Flakes' to the kitchen-sauna and tripped, landing as you see me here. That's when I discovered that too m
Furlough Fashion - National Ladder Day #254 02 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - National Ladder Day #254 02 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - National Ladder Day. It hardly seems a year since the last National Ladder Day and it's also exciting that this comes off the back of 'Old Man Shouting At People in the Park Day'. No sooner as I have managed to recover my voice from Tuesday's park-shouting then I have to get ready for this special day. National Ladder Day started back in 2020 when the Ladder Marketing Board were trying to reverse a downturn in sales. I was called in by a friend to help with how to make ladders
Furlough Fashion - PPFDOTM #252 01 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - PPFDOTM #252 01 July 2021
Furlough Fashion - PPFDOTM. 1st July 2020: I was groggy from sleep and standing in front of the teapot waiting for it to brew and contemplating life, when the larder door next to me exploded open and Kate launched herself at me screaming "PINCH, PUNCH, FIRST OF THE MONTH!" She then proceeded to tweak my right nipple so hard I thought it was going to pop, and then delivered a devastating haymaker which laid me out cold on the kitchen floor. The worst things about this was that by the time I came
Furlough Fashion - Wickens and Wares Wednesday #252 30 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens and Wares Wednesday #252 30 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens and Wares Wednesday. I've long been an admirer of street vendors who ply their wares al fresco so I have invested in my own food business. In clearing out my parent's house I found a book of recipes that harked back to the Old Country (Essex) and have long since been lost to culinary history. Well, no longer the anals of cookery-past as I am bringing back the Burple Pie and Spaffles that my Great Grandmother would have made for her 32 children in her one-room garret fl
Furlough Fashion - Warrafrakenarzoles Tuesday #251 29 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Warrafrakenarzoles Tuesday #251 29 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Warrafrakenarzoles Tuesday. It's hard to believe but it's 'Old Man Shouting At People in the Park Day' again. It's an annual event sponsored by 'Wütend Sherry' made by the P. Pantz Distillery in the German town of Betrunken. They are purveyors of fortified wines that could bring down a rhino. I've been doing this for a few years now but being jobless this year I had the time to really go for it and spend all day in the park (as opposed to my usual hour at lunch).

You get a p
Furlough Fashion - Cryptic Monday #250 28 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Cryptic Monday #250 28 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Cryptic Monday. Some like it quick, some like it hard but whichever way you do it Crosswords are a firm favourite for millions of people around the world. Whether you find it hard to take 1 down or wrestle with 3 across we all enjoy being teased on a daily basis by them even if we sometimes have to leave a gap for someone else to fill in.

I've found that, in my busy schedule, I don't have time to wash, dress, have breakfast AND do the crossword so I came up with a paper Tuni
Furlough Fashion - Whiplash Away the Week #249 25 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Whiplash Away the Week #249 25 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Whiplash Away the Week. Back in April (16th to be precise) I advocated the 'Whip-it-Thin; diet which successfully helped me lose weight. It got quite a lot of interest online and it turns out that there are a lot people out there who use whips for other reasons. I was using the whip to dominate the diet market but it turns out the market isn't the only things that likes to be dominated. I started getting a lot of enquiries from interested parties who want me to help them relie
Furlough Fashion - Myths and Legends Thursday #248 24 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Myths and Legends Thursday #248 24 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Myths and Legends Thursday. Since I was a child I have been fascinated by the Roman and Greek Gods and Goddesses. All those incredible divine figures led by the managing director of Gods, the rhyming Dr. Zeus ("If things aren't right, then smite I might. I might smite you with bolts, some lightning from height"). I used to read all the Ladyblurred books (we couldn't afford the proper Ladybird books) and can still remember the pointing Goddesses Hera and Thera, the god of ferti
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Woodwind Wednesday #247 23 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Woodwind Wednesday #247 23 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Woodwind Wednesday. Kate has recently decided to rekindle her childhood love of wind instruments. You have to be pretty embouchure of yourself to take them on so Kate tried the flute, but found that was better for her morning champagne, things kept getting caught in her clarinet and she tried playing my piccolo but it was too small for her. So Kate went back to basics and started with the classic recorder. She bought a teaching book, 'Fipple Flute Favourites', which pr
Furlough Fashion - Wise cracking Tuesday #246 22 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wise cracking Tuesday #246 22 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wise cracking Tuesday. There's something about a rainy day that inspires the viewing of black and white films and I am always drawn to both the moody cool of noir films or the screwball comedy. My favourite noirs are films like 'The Postman Always Sings Nice', the smouldering tale of the sexy singing posty who delivers letters round the back, 'The Malteser Falcon', about the rare Cadbury statue and 'Touch of Weevil', in which the weevil is a metaphor for the burrowing and dest
Furlough Fashion - Holiday Memories #245 21 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Holiday Memories #245 21 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Holiday Memories. Furlough Fashion is back from its hols and I thought I would share a photo from our balmy, or was that barmy (see what I did there, eh, eh?) few days on the Kent Riviera. We found a delightful place on Cherbnb, which, I believe, caters for more glamorous guests but ironically doesn't allow Gypsies, tramps or thieves.

The Kent coast is a dream in the sunshine and we ate fresh fish straight from the trawler men's calloused hands, quaffed local ales like the N
FF SR 244 11 June 2021
FF SR 244 11 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Happy Photo Finish Friday. Still looking for that next job opportunity I have been thinking of going back to photography. I studied it back in the day, when Dinosaurs roamed the Earth and subjects would have to sit still for 3 months to make sure their portrait wasn't blurred, but I have never made money from it. Then I hit upon the idea of SexyClix! I am excited to combine my knowledge of fashion and F-Stops. At SexyClix I am hoping that my gossamer get-up will put my subject
Furlough Fashion - Lavender and Lalique #243 10 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Lavender and Lalique #243 10 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Lavender and Lalique. For your delectation today here's a picture of last night's Lavender and Lalique soiree, an occasional evening Kate and I host. I get my Asti out, indulge in tiny nibbles and quaff like animals all night. Not many people know that I have two Dunlop Stars for my Finger Food & have won the annual MasterFinger competition. Although we don't talk about the year when I tried out my canapéyote. The judges didn't respond well. One thought they were the reset but
Furlough Fashion - Nurse Wickens Wednesday #242 09 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Nurse Wickens Wednesday #242 09 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Nurse Wickens Wednesday. I thought it was time to spice up the medical drama so I have been working on a script called 'Swing, Nursey, Swing' in which Nurse Wickens is in the playground next to the hospital being swung by her hunky Doctor boyfriend Paulo Chiseljaw when Aliens attack. Paulo's devastating handsomeness is savagely eviscerated by laser fire but Nurse Wickens survives by hiding under the merry-go-round.

Bereft at the loss of Dr Chiseljaw Nurse Wickens vows revenge
Furlough Fashion - Box Fresh Tuesday #241 08 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Box Fresh Tuesday #241 08 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Box Fresh Tuesday. I wanted a slight departure from fashion for a day. As well as catching the summer rays* I was keen to share my Bitz with you. You probably don't know this, but I am a keen builder of oversized day to day items; with the local newspaper hailing me as a 'Poundshop Jeff Koons'. You can see me here in the Queenswood Mansions' wheat field, the perfect place to show off my oversized grain-based snack. I have such fond memories of stuffing Bitz in my mouth dry, or
Furlough Fashion - Red Monday #240 07 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Red Monday #240 07 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Red Monday. I spent a large part of Sunday in the Spanish Entrance of Queenswood Mansions (which is where the drivers drop their guests when we're holding balls) as this coming weekend we will be hosting South East London's 1st Annual 'Kit Car Cavalcade', an opportunity for all the car making enthusiasts out there to show off their work. Bodies will be highly polished, mufflers will be growling and I could tell you more there'll be no spoilers.

We've gone all 80s with our Mex
Furlough Fashion - Wine and Shine #239 04 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wine and Shine #239 04 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wine and Shine. One of the things that Kate had bought me to celebrate our 20th-anniversary was a high quality pair of chamois knickers, perfect for the fashionista who also likes to keep house. I was due to do the bathroom at some point this year, so this morning I leapt out of bed, pinned up my tousled hair, grabbed my Megan Sparkles original (from the 'By Roil Appointment' catalogue) and finally popped those packet-fresh chamois knickers on.

All expense is spared when it c
FF SR 238 03 June 2021
FF SR 238 03 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Little Summer Boy. With the heat getting hot the only thing to do is to get that summer dress on, lie back on sheepskin and put on some summer-themed records. So I have retreated to the cooler, lower ground courtyard where Kate and I have a brown shag, a sheepskin rug and Wooly Bully (named for Sam the Sham, The Pharaoh Island Sweaters). We call it our 'Ruminant With a View'. My outfit is from Kew's 'Floral Pleasure' and the open-toed shoes are from Farrow & Ball's new footwea
Furlough Fashion - Trunk of Punk #237 02 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Trunk of Punk #237 02 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Trunk of Punk - Wicken's Wednesday. When punk broke in 76-77, Kate and I were too young to nick our parent's bin liners and too close to their apron strings to attempt rhinoplasty with a safety pin. However, in a recent trip to a vintage shop we found a trunk of Punk, an anthology of anarchy, a cornucopia of chaos. So today is designated as Wicked Wickens Wednesday and, tonight, we will be turning the Queenswood Mansions' ballroom into a 70s dive bar and have a post-nosh-mosh.
Furlough Fashion - Tan about the house #236 01 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tan about the house #236 01 June 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tan about the house. Up until recently the only tannin I was interested in came in a teacup because over the years my 50% Irish genes meant the sun acts on me like it does on Christopher Lee at the end of a Dracula film. But after reading George Burn-hard Shore's 'Tan and Supertan' I have been trying and build up my resistance. Little and often is the key. That and factor 500 sun cream.

Kate snapped this picture this morning up on the South Wing's mezzanine sundeck and I am w
Furlough Fashion - Tank Holiday Monday #235 31 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tank Holiday Monday #235 31 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tank Holiday Monday. The long weekend has given me a chance to finally realise my dream of getting a set of fish tanks for the newly created Wet Box in the East Wing of Queenswood Mansions. I often had big bowls over the years but I wanted to expand into the world of vivaria and we all remember Robert Warington, who created the first stable aquarium as published in the Chemical Society's Journals. Although I don't need to tell you that the term "aquarium" was first coined by E
Furlough Fashion - Friday not Shy Day #234 28 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday not Shy Day #234 28 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday not Shy Day. There's nothing like a cloud of talcum powder and the squeak of shiny clothing in the morning, it's a great way to lively up your Friday. Although I'm not much of a talker, I've been thinking of trying out some podcast ideas and the first one that sprang to mind is 'Come Up and PVC Me Some Time' a celebration of good old polyvinyl chloride which, like a lot of us, comes in rigid and flexible forms. Today's outfit came from 'Rubber-Dubber-Do (the same place
Furlough Fashion - Pointy Thursday #233 27 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pointy Thursday #233 27 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pointy Thursday. I've decided to put myself forward for the role of 'Pointing Ambassador' for Dr. Martens. They are launching a new range of air-cushioned boots called Retro Soul (they've been brainstorming a short, pithy abbreviation but haven't come up with anything so far). My job would be to go around to their retail sites and point at the new range. If a customer has any questions I would then point at a member of staff who could help them (probably someone called Fancy D
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #232 26 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #232 26 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday the internet desert. Today's picture captures the moment just after the internet had gone down and I had called our provider to find out there was a fault in our area. You can see the sheer terror on our faces at the thought of losing access to cat videos, people injuring themselves performing misguided stunts, spam emails asking for a mere $11 dollars to release the millions I am owed in gold, currently held up in customs, dating sites (I am a big lover of s
Furlough Fashion - Mondayzilla #231 24 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Mondayzilla #231 24 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Mondayzilla. After watching Godzilla Vs. Kong yesterday I had to locate my socks and, despite a script measured in grams, the action was measured in kilotons. So on the way back home I decided to work on my own monster film 'Doom in the Spume', but in order to generate some backing I needed some promotional material. So, I set to work in the shed with chicken wire, glue, an old duvet cover and some poster paint. I then got Kate to drive me to the coast with my new creation for
Furlough Fashion 230b - 2nd Vaccination
Furlough Fashion 230b - 2nd Vaccination
Jabracadabra! I had my second vaccination yesterday and it was much better this time around. It only took 3 people to hold me down (2 people are out of shot unconscious).

Love the NHS, very much un-love this Government. Love scientists and very much saddened and frustrated by social media 'experts' who can undermine decades of hard scientific evidence in one post or comment. Sadly, you can't vaccinate against ignorance.
Furlough Fashion - Friday blows #230 21 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday blows #230 21 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday blows. Be careful out there today people it's blowy, and not in the good way as you can see from this picture. I went out to pick up the fruits of our milkman's labours (20 gallons of milk for Kate's bath, a bottle of cream soda for me and a dozen eggs for our sunny side ups) and suddenly my hair was pointing at right angles to my chiselled features and slender collar bone. I'm pretty sure I heard a few sequins ping off my bespoke housecoat from 'Bling Both Ways' and em
Furlough Fashion - Throwback Thursday #229 20 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Throwback Thursday #229 20 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Throwback Thursday. I realised that in all the time I've been doing Furlough Fashion I've never done a Throwback Thursday like the serious social media-types (or is that social meteorites) do. So I dug back in the archives and found this picture Kate took of me in the early days of when I was furloughed in real life not just in digital life.

I had just taken a bubble bath with Matey Bubble Bath Pirate (when you relax you can't help but say "Arrrrrr!") and was feeling more gla
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Angels Wednesday #228 19 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Angels Wednesday #228 19 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens' Angels Wednesday. Normally Kate works hard but doesn't have time to play hard, but after watching a double of 'The Wild Ones' and Jack Cardiff's 'Girl on a Motorcycle' at the weekend she decided that she was going to set up her own motorcycle chapter. I cheekily suggested 'Swells Angels' (which felt naughty as I don't normally sink to innuendo) but Kate said that since I had been made redundant it was more like 'Smells Angels'. We went bike shopping on Monday and now
Furlough Fashion - Plump up the volume #227 18 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Plump up the volume #227 18 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Plump up the volume. As you know with Furlough Fashion it can be hair today and gone tomorrow depending on my sartorial whims. Today isn't just about hair it's about HUGE hair as I decided to go big or go home (even though I am already at home). Out came the volumizer, my loosest mousse and curlers with same the diameter of drainage pipes and then I would take hold of some hair and curl one out, then curl out another and so on. You have to be careful though, if you force it yo
Furlough Fashion - What's mine is chores #226 17 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - What's mine is chores #226 17 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - What's mine is chores. With all the time freed up by redundancy we drew up a list of chores I could do while Kate was winning bread and I was just eating it. I thought we could save a bit of money on the window cleaning so I took on the East Tower of Queenswood Mansions (where most of the Furlough Fashion R&D goes on). Kate snapped this picture of me from the mezzanine roof on the 69th floor and you can see how seriously I take Working at Heights as I have on my PPE harness wh
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 5  #225 14 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 5 #225 14 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 5. With restrictions set to be relaxed and live entertainment on its way back I predict a return to the gentler times of Vaudeville. With that in mind I thought I could reinvent myself as one of cabaret tropes: 'The Inebriate'. Slightly down at heel, top hat askew, oversized tuxedo and constantly falling over. I'm thinking of going with the sobriquet Lord Blotto and my act will feature musical accompaniment from the music of Brahms and Liszt so I'll be
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 4 #224 13 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 4 #224 13 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 4. Music and fashion have always coexisted from Sinatra's trilby up to Diddy, Beckham and Boy George at Asda. I thought I might introduce my own clothing line but formal wear is not for me, sportswear would be hypocritical (cake wear, more like) so I've gone with a range that says get comfy and be laid back (or 'getlaid' as I like to call it). So, I give you the prototype for my Fred Peary range.

The pear (the genus Pyrus /ˈpaɪrəs/) has been cultivated
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 3 #223 12 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 3 #223 12 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 3 - Wickens Wed. I was thinking about vaccinations and the fact that everyone is disappointed they don't get a lollipop so, for the second day in a row we are thinking about getting into the suckables business. Also, inspired by all those Mom & Pop stores in the U.S.A. Kate and I have dreamed up a marketing brand for us where we are a dependable older couple who, in true American style, can trace their ancestry back to the old country. As Americans supe
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day  #222 11 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day #222 11 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 2: Another plan is to combine two current trends - courier-style deliveries and the increased demand for saucy items to spice up your sexy-fun-time. I'm calling it 'Deliverude' which is part of my umbrella company db (deliver brands) and when you order through the app I will come in a jiffy with a package for you. As you can see from the picture I have designed my livery with subtlety in mind but for extra anonymity you can ask me to deliver round the b
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 1 #221 10 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 1 #221 10 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Possible Jobs Week. Day 1: Interior designer. Given the recent Tunnock's Caramel debacle at No.10 I thought my fashion sense (or my 'pash for fash' as I never call it) might be transferrable to a career in interior design. So, over the weekend I decided to make a rose-tinted spectacle of myself and take on a makeover of a rarely used room in the East Wing of Queenswood Mansions.

With my hefty plumb line, a spirit level (which I believe keeps ghosts the right way up), some sw
Furlough Fashion - Week One Done  #220 07 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Week One Done #220 07 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Week One Done. So that brings the first week of unemployment to an end and what better way to celebrate than to settle down in the Queenswood Mansions lounge bar, The Ginger Flamingo, and suck on a big fat Cuban. It's been over a decade since I stopped smoking but every now and again it's great to thrust a hand into my humidor and pull out something long, pungent and brown and set fire to it.

I've opted for a 'Urbain Décontracté' look (urbane casual) and matched a black tee f
Furlough Fashion - It's Totes about Votes #219 06 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - It's Totes about Votes #219 06 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - It's Totes about Votes. I hope everyone has their voting outfit ready for today. I've decided to practice sexy voting and to encourage other people to engage have distributed my booklet 'Blighty - Sexy Voting Special' - you may have even had me stick it through your door already. I opted for the soft fabric of a sensual number I bought from online store 'Teddy Roosefelt'.

Vote! If you don't vote and then complain about everything then I don't want to hear it. However, on all
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Pampering Wednesday #218 05 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Pampering Wednesday #218 05 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Pampering Wednesday. To make sure I don't get too down and to ensure my hygiene regimen doesn't slip Kate suggested that today was a pamper day. So, before she started work we headed to 'Tease & Blow', the Queenswood Mansions Salon. Kate gave me a permanent and I gave her a facial but she wouldn't let me touch her Botox. Then we did our nails round the Prancette and you should have heard the glee with which Kate slapped down my 7 inches. We listened to some perfect pam
Furlough Fashion - May the 4th Be With You #217 04 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - May the 4th Be With You #217 04 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - May the 4th Be With You. One of the many projects I'm currently working on is Carry On Up The Death Star, a wacky tribute to the nudge-nudge-wink-wink film series of the 50s and 60s.

All your favourite characters are nearly there: Han Swallow, a smuggler who's used to hiding large packages in his hold and his sidekick on the Drillanyone Falcon, ChewBaccy who no one can understand because he always chewing tobacco. They're hired by Puke Boghugger, a snot nosed kid who throws u
Furlough Fashion - Half price suits #216 03 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Half price suits #216 03 May 2021
Furlough Fashion - Half price suits. Although I am not officially unemployed until tomorrow I decided to re-purpose my work suits this weekend. As Summer is on the way a little ventilation on the nethers is always welcome so I give the world The Half Suit (or possibly the exposed-waistcoat). I never really did feel completely comfortable in a suit so this felt very liberating.

I got the idea when I was playing guitar. I was trying to work on a face-melting guitar solo and which singer might su
Furlough Fashion - Pink Parting #215 30 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pink Parting #215 30 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pink Parting. So my final day at work has arrived. There have been a number of virtual leaving drinks and there's one more this afternoon so I thought I would finally wear something that truly reflects my personality and show a side of me that my work colleagues don't usually see. So I am unveiling my 'Pink Parting' ready for the occasion.

This is an outfit I originally bought for the 2020 LATEXPO who hold an 'Inflata-ball' on the last day for all the delegates, but as that
Furlough Fashion - A Bracing Thursday #214 29 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - A Bracing Thursday #214 29 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - A Bracing Thursday. What with all the redundancy going around Kate said I should brace myself for the future. That got me thinking that I have not explored the world of braces, mainly because they are a linguistic minefield given that Americans called them suspenders which the English see as the accoutrements of sexy-fun-time whereas Americans put braces on their teeth.

Braces were first popularised in 1822 by a London haberdasher Albert Thurston (people would say "Are you
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Colossus Wednesday #213 28 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Colossus Wednesday #213 28 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Colossus Wednesday. You may not be aware but Kate is powerful smart at science and has a Mistresses Degree from College University North Tottenham. I especially admire her love of Anatomy and know from experience that she can handle the tiniest particles and understands how sometimes solids become liquids too quickly and that it can happen to all solids from time to time when they're stressed.

After the redundancy news, Kate came up with a way to improve my mood and
Furlough Fashion - Transmutation Tuesday #212 27 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Transmutation Tuesday #212 27 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Transmutation Tuesday. As the result of a work meeting yesterday I can officially let people know that I have just been made redundant from my job (last day 30 April). I'd like to say I was dragged off the video call by Kate at the point where I was shouting "...and I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers" or “My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die!” but in reality I thanked
Furlough Fashion - Tea & Tap Monday #211 26 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tea & Tap Monday #211 26 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tea & Tap Monday. Sometimes, when I am feeling a little sluggish on a Monday I lively up myself with some tap dancing to go with my tea. As the kitchen is a cathedral to stainless steel it's the perfect place to have those taps ringing out across the cookware so that they ping off the Le Creusets and bounce off Nigella's milk pans.

It's a great chance to pull on my shoes from tap maestros 'Brogue Trader' grab my dance hat from 'Nice Titfers' and start hammering out my Bojangl
FF SR 210 23 April 2021
FF SR 210 23 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Frothy headed Friday. What happened to the boozer? As pubs start to open up we are reminded that we have to sell a kidney to get a round in. Much as I love a pint of mango and cumquat infused IPA and the post-modern drink names ('Beyond the Pale', 'Hopping Mad', 'Juice Forsyth', 'Beauty & The Yeast', 'Brew Me Sideways' and so on) I still miss the comfort of an old-school where the carpets were as thick as most of the clientele.

So here at Queenwood Mansions we've been workin
Furlough Fashion - Bebop comedown #209 22 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Bebop comedown #209 22 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Bebop comedown. Jazz Wednesday was a honking success and I thought I would share a picture of me at the end of the evening. I had just finished a blistering atonal set (which sounded like a skein of geese being trampled by 20 stone men on pogo sticks at the same time as a shudder of clowns armed with car horns were hit by a tank) in which I had dressed up as a Jazzy Jolly Jack Tar and performed some of my maritime compositions including 'Poop Deck', 'Walk My Plank' and 'Coming
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Jazz Wednesday #208 21 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Jazz Wednesday #208 21 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Jazz Wednesday. Tonight we'll be trying our first Jazz Club at Queenswood Mansions. It's going to be a cross between the Hot Tub Club of Paris and Ronnie Scott's (I think he was the guy who died frozen to his saxophone when playing a gig in the Antarctic). I've been learning the saxophone and trying to get to grips with pentatonic, polychromatic and Lydian dominant scales and someone gave me some sheet music but I thought it was okay.

But I've discovered I am best at
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Bubbles #207 20 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Bubbles #207 20 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Tuesday Bubbles. Kate and I have been thinking of breaking into the fizzy drink market so we have been doing a lot of research, buying up crates of popular drinks from the obvious: Coca-Cola, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper (and the short-lived failure Dr. Salt) and Sprite to the lesser known Spurt, Pepsi Ice Cucumber, the curry flavoured Ramune (Japan) and Grandpa Joe’s ketchup soda (USA). We've been mixing some of these up to see what you get i.e. R. Sprites, Lucolazade, 7-Up Dr. Pepper a
Furlough Fashion - The whiff of Summer #206 19 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - The whiff of Summer #206 19 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - The whiff of Summer. When the sun shines and the sirens whine then you know the weather has changed and Summer is waiting in nature's wings. But, as ever, most people in the UK will act like it's Summer even if they accidentally see a picture of the sun. You can imagine that in the last few days every supermarket in the land now has tumbleweed blowing through the aisles that stock charcoal briquettes, burger buns and cheap lager.

But I took the opportunity to peek into Summe
Furlough Fashion - Whipped into shaped #205 16 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Whipped into shaped #205 16 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Whipped into shaped. I gave up on the Satan Diet as it was way too labour intensive and I couldn't bring myself to sacrifice a goat; so Ramsbottom now lives in the Queenswood Mansions' petting zoo. But I managed to shed the pounds with something a little different.

I have always heard the phrase 'whip-it thin' but didn't realise it was a recognised regime for weight-loss until I spotted something online that said Harrison Ford was 28 stone before he started whip training for
Furlough Fashion - 666 Diet #204 15 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - 666 Diet #204 15 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - 666 Diet. Losing weight is a struggle we all face at one time or another and I am still working hard to fight the flab I put on after celebrating FF200. Over the years I have tried a number of fad diets but I caved in on the 'Cave Man', vetoed the Keto, lost count of the times calorie counting didn't account for anything and let's just say the Atkins should be renamed the Shatkins.

But then I read an advert in Helle Magazine from Lovecraft Inc. who are promoting 'The Satan Di
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #203 14 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday #203 14 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Wednesday. It's a little known fact that in the heyday of Black & White cinema the crew would often film short saucy versions of the classics using the same sets but with adult film actors (with names like Katharine Rugburn, Gregory Pecker, Vivien Lay and Cary Grunt). These films have been traded in secret for years, with rusty-dusty 16mm film cans changing hands many times as collectors aim to find the rarest titles. I recently located a box of these films so, last ni
Furlough Fashion - Pink Pantheon #202 13 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pink Pantheon #202 13 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Pink Pantheon. If a Pantheon is a temple to the Gods then, today, I am pink temple to the Gods of weight loss. While I struggle to lose the weight gain at the weekend I remembered a trip from my past to 'Cart Land' a theme park dedicated to Dame Mary Barbara Hamilton Cartland, DBE, DStJ which is a place that celebrates her love of Victorian romance and all things pink. You can stroll around the grounds seeing people in character as cads, heroes, women of substance or downtrodd
Furlough Fashion - Just Another Massive Monday #201 12 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Just Another Massive Monday #201 12 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Just Another Massive Monday. So, I might have rested on my laurels a little bit too much after the 200th post last Thursday. I might have got a bit giddy on the nice things that people said and I might have over-indulged from Friday to Sunday. Kate snapped this picture of me on Sunday morning enjoying a light-bite and some breakfast wine to wash it down with.

I had to quickly get some clothes delivered from 'Lard Almighty' in Manchester (with their slogan "We have more blue
FF 200 Image
FF 200 Image
Furlough Fashion - 200th post!
Who knew that one silly post could lead to 200 increasingly sillier posts. As with post 100 I have decided to celebrate this millstone with a song: a cover of ZZ Top's 1983 hit 'Sharp Dressed Man'. The YouTube video features posts 101-200 from https://furloughfashion.co.uk/ and https://www.instagram.com/furloughfashionista/

I was ably assisted by Kate (Wickontron) Wickens on BVs and cowbell and there BVs and guitars from Connon and BVs and drum programming from Da
FF SR 199 07 April 2021
FF SR 199 07 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Drama Wednesday. Kate has been toying with the idea of setting up a new streaming service called NetWicks so we're sourcing our own original content. I lamented that you don't get screwball comedies like 'It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World', 'Smokey & The Bandit' or 'Every Which Way But Loose' anymore so have written a pilot for a madcap comedy called 'Love Muscle Express'.

It's about Sylvester Van Reynolds, a hapless body builder who is set to inherit $10,000,000 from
Furlough Fashion - Fashionator 200 #198 06 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Fashionator 200 #198 06 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Fashionator 200. Well, it's Tuesday-Monday, the second, first day of the week after the Bank Holiday when everyone in the UK has no idea whether up is down or Sunday was last week or four days after the day before yesterday. However, the days were meaningless to me as I have been locked in the Queenswood Mansions shed fiddling with knobs and sockets and trying not to peak in the red as I worked hard and fast on the Fashionator 200 to bring you a very special 200th Furlough Fas
Furlough Fashion - Bank Holiday Bonnet #197 05 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Bank Holiday Bonnet #197 05 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Bank Holiday Bonnet. With an extra long weekend it's okay to spend more time on a special outfit. I think it's good to pamper yourself as often as possible and I try to pamper myself at least once a day. So this weekend I have been working on an elaborate outfit which I call Gentlemen Prefer Fronds.

It's a two-part costume and the headdress uses up all the old feather dusters we had at the back of the cleaning cupboard plus a lot of Kate's crystal tips. As I think it's a swe
Furlough Fashion - Happy Easter 2021
Furlough Fashion - Happy Easter 2021
I remember the first time my parents took me to see Lepus Malum at the local indoor market, back when I was a little girl. I can still remember his fur against my cheek as he whispered "Kill them...kill them all" in my ear. Happy times. It wasn't long after that day that I had to go into hiding, change my identity and...well, I won't bore you with that story. Happy Lepus Malum everyone. 🐇
Furlough Fashion - Easter Bonnet Friday #194 02 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Easter Bonnet Friday #194 02 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - Easter Bonnet Friday. Well Lent is over and I am disappointed that no one lent me anything, I blame the pandemic. But it is Easter, a time when the adverts tell us to celebrate when the Easter Bunny rose from the gravy and fed 5000 people with chocolate eggs and novelty mugs. It's often referred to as the reserection which I believe is short for respectable erection.

Kate loves an Easter Egg (she's always interested in getting a gooey filling) but this year I have taken a le
Furlough Fashion - What happened to Monday, Tuesday? #178 09 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - What happened to Monday, Tuesday? #178 09 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - What happened to Monday, Tuesday? Sorry for missing a Monday but I think I picked up a bug from washing the cars in our collection on Sunday (pictured). Even thought I can't drive I do appreciate the sleek lines of a well designed automobile and we have quite a few in our collection: We have the Jaguar E-Type (which can do 140 words per minute), a Cadillac Dildorado, two Dodge Chargers (one for Android and one for Apple devices), a Humvee (which never seems to know the words)
FF SR 194 01 April 2021
FF SR 194 01 April 2021
Furlough Fashion - April Fool's Day. As you know I take my fashion seriously so don't really like to joke around in these posts. However, in light of the fact that it's prima aprilis (Poland), aprilskämt (Sweden), Huntigowk Day (Scotland), Tory Cabinet (England) I though I would post a rare picture of me fooling around. Playing against type I am continuing a long tradition of The fool in folklore, literature & music. Whether it's deliberate like the Jester, inadvertent like Malvolio or tasty lik
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Kino Wednesday #194 31 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Kino Wednesday #194 31 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Kino Wednesday. We've decided that Wednesday's are going to be given over the old school Hollywood glamour and because I love a good opening we staged a gala event at the Queenswood Mansions cinema which we've named Cinema Paradisaronno after our favourite tipple. Kate does like a good Drive-In but we opted in the end for something more plush so Kate can sink into a lazy-boy and enjoy a footlong from my concession stand. We dressed up for the occasion; Kate went full R
Furlough Fashion - 12" Tuesday #193 30 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - 12" Tuesday #193 30 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - 12" Tuesday. One of the great delights of working from home is being able to get out your 12 inches to give them a spin. To that end I have set up a record nook in the soundproofed garret of the rarely used North Wing of Queenswood Mansions. There I can pump up the volume, kick out the jams and spin my platters until the carpet's in tatters. I've got a vintage gramophone that's really easy to wind up, all you have to do is shout "you're redundant technology and your speakers a
Furlough Fashion - Chillin' & Drillin' #192 29 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Chillin' & Drillin' #192 29 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Chillin' & Drillin'. When spring has sprung a young man's thoughts turn to drilling. From the basic rotary tools of 35,000 BC right up to the electric drill invented in Australia in 1889 and the cordless Bosch of modern times (from which we get the phrases 'Bish-Bash-Bosch' and 'Splish Splosh I was Stroking my Bosch'). So, this weekend I headed out to the Queenswood Workshop to dust off the 'Hammer Time 3000' which has so much technology on board that I call it Drill Gates. It
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #191 26 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #191 26 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. The final magazine I found at the weekend was from one of the last shoots I did for 'FANTASY' which I thought was going to be related to playing Dungeons & Dragons but thankfully it was less embarrassing and was a monthly about Dominatrices and all related areas. I wasn't very familiar with the culture but it was a cracking read and there must be a lot of ex-Sailors who take it up because they sure do know a lot about knots. I didn't mind the clothes so much and
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #190 25 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #190 25 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. After being dropped by the Prêt à Jurer when I misunderstood what the photographer meant by mixed-flash, my modelling career hit a bit of a slow patch until I was picked up by 'Photo Chaps' who hired models out for top shelf magazines (which I think is agency for lingo for 'top class'). I did lots of shoots for titles such as '12 Inch Collector' (which the agency said was one of the most popular titles amongst male vinyl enthusiasts), 'Come Ashore' (for seamen o
Furlough Fashion - Magazine Week, Wickens Wednesday #189 24 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine Week, Wickens Wednesday #189 24 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine Week, Wickens Wednesday. Back in the early days of our relationship when I was still modelling from time to time my modelling agency - Prêt à Jurer - got me a gig on a knitwear shoot but they needed someone I had chemistry with to really sell the clothes and Kate was the obvious choice as she is someone who has had a lot of experience with knits.

The patterns were for a company called 'Knit Happens' and their new range: 'The 7 Year Stitch' which were designed to help
Furlough Fashion - Spring my Bell #187 22 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Spring my Bell #187 22 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Spring my Bell. It's the time of year when our minds turn to things like frolicking and gambolling, getting our beach bodies ready (although this is likely to be builders sand and a paddling pool in the back garden again) and we all have to remember to go round the house vigorously adjusting our clocks this coming Sunday. But there is more to Spring than fumbling with your clocks; here are some facts:

• The vernal equinox represents the beginning of spring in the northern hem
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #188 23 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week #188 23 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Magazine week. Many stones (or Kgs) ago I had a short-lived career modelling for magazines. I had forgotten all about it but at the weekend I discovered a stack of them and thought I would share some with you. Today was a cover from my 'Young Physique' shoot. I was ferried, all expenses paid, to the Isle of Wight where we stayed in the swankiest Travelodge and drank only the finest Lambrini as befits the status I held back then. My nickname was Chelsea because everyone wanted
Flouncy-Bouncy-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun Friday #186 19 Mar 2021
Flouncy-Bouncy-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun Friday #186 19 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Flouncy-Bouncy-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun-Fun Friday (AKA Fuck it Friday). Today I woke with a sense of jois de vivre combined with some je ne se quois plus a hint of WTF, holy-moly-roly-poly and wham-bam-thank you-ma'am. I'm feeling wide-panted with the excitement of a day off work and so will be spending it walking about swinging my hips in a very Vauxhall Cavalier manner and pointing at things with a wry smile on my face and a knowing nod. I'll also be using a lot of phrases like 'Uh-
Furlough Fashion - Glitter Balls Thursday #185 18 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Glitter Balls Thursday #185 18 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Glitter Balls Thursday. As we all know, Tuesday used to be the new Sunday, Saturday was the new Monday, Friday is the new black but, and you heard it here first, Thursday is the new Disco. So Disco Thursday is now the new Folk Dance Friday and I have been saving a special outfit for the occasion - it's called Romancing the Rhinestone and it's a bespoke costume from two specialists in the field 'Bling my Bell' in Bellingham and 'Frock the Boat' in Frome.

So I'll be out on the
FF SR 184 17 Mar 2021
FF SR 184 17 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wickens Telephonic Wednesday. During lockdown we've been starved of seeing our loved ones and the phone has become an important way to stay in contact. But we're making so many calls that holding your phone for prolonged periods leads to what Google Doctors call EE: 'Exhausted Elbow' and this caused Kate to exclaim 'Oh, to have another way to use the phone so you don't knockya elbow!'. She was determined to solve this problem so enrolled in an Open University course on Applica
4D Tuesday #183 16 Mar 2021
4D Tuesday #183 16 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - 4D Tuesday. I love Double Denim! There, I've said it, Double D gets me very excited indeed, that gentle indigo wash caressing the warp and weft of this rugged cloth. I think it's time to reclaim the Texan Tuxedo from the weekend cowboys and girls. I want to double down on double denim (4D) so picked out a couple of items from the East Wing wardrobe but I can't remember whether they came from 'Where There's a Twill There's a Way', 'I Twill Survive', 'Selvedges' or 'Greenwich Je
Furlough Fashion - Lovely Giza Monday #182 15 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Lovely Giza Monday #182 15 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Lovely Giza Monday. I watched a lot of documentaries about ancient Egypt yesterday (well, it was Mummy's Day) and so wanted to start this week walking like an Egyptian and uttering their solemn cry 'Whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh'. It was such a rich culture and they are still well known for their huge erections, ploughing, High-Low-glyphics (so named as they were all over the walls) and broken pottery.

There are things that we practice now that have their roots back to thos
Furlough Fashion - Satorial Saturday Bonus #181 13 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Satorial Saturday Bonus #181 13 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Satorial Saturday Bonus. Now the effects of the vaccination are nearly worn off, and I have peeled myself off the sofa, I wanted to spend the weekend being ultra-glam. Nothing says louche and lasciviousness more than the skin tight, wet-look PVC drainpipes (well, I say wet 'look') which I got online from US brand 'Adam & The Pants' and a sequined, padded shoulder cavalry jacket from Bromley's 'Beady SM' (the label on the inside says it's a 'Sequin Martin Production').

So I wi
Furlough Fashion - Vaccination Day! #180 11 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Vaccination Day! #180 11 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Vaccination Day! I am pleased to say that I'm getting a little prick today so thought I would dress up accordingly. Normally the only think I have that is crisp has Walkers on the front, but today I have indulged in a different kind of starch to get my outfit looking just so. I should say that this isn't my first lab coat but the dog wanted the first one back when winter came.

So, today I want to celebrate the wonderful people who follow in the footsteps of amazing people lik
Furlough Fashion - Wicked Wickens Wednesday #179 10 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wicked Wickens Wednesday #179 10 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Wicked Wickens Wednesday. As well as Cosplaying the good guys in things like 'Spacepants Patrol' and 'Wormhole Wars' it's also great to play the villain at times. We are fast approaching South East London's premier convention CatCon held at the main hall in a prestigious Catford facility that the Scouts are not currently using. This socially distanced celebration of all things comic book related has a Cosplay Parade and this year Kate wanted to go as Catwoman so had me dress u
Furlough Fashion - Friday, in the Key of F #177 05 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday, in the Key of F #177 05 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Friday, in the Key of F. Before lockdown we used to sit around the Old Joanna and belt out some tunes, but she's shielding so we have to use the piano instead. Tonight Kate will plonk herself down next to the upright and we'll sing of impossible dreams, men washed out of hair, of meeting a girl called Maria, or Mathilda, (we couldn't really hear her through the N95 mask) and some enchanted evening with a big spender. We'll put the O in Oklahoma not MG, avoid cats at all costs,
Furlough Fashion - Spumante Thursday #176 04 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Spumante Thursday #176 04 Mar 2021
Furlough Fashion - Spumante Thursday. Following on from the photoshoot for 'Sir Charles of Bastardford Manor' yesterday Kate and I had a celebratory party à deux in the 70s suite of Queenswood Mansions. As a thank you for her help I let her stretch out on the chaise while I popped my Jeroboam so she could guzzle down a couple of litres. We quaffed hard on Tia Maria and drank until the early hours when everything was spent, including my Blue Bols.

My sexy waiters outfit is from 'Fop Shop' who w